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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I overreacting being hurt over this comment

66 replies

JustifiedOrNah · 11/03/2019 19:25

Me and DP spent the day arguing yesterday. Petty stuff mostly, it's been a stressful time for a long time and an event early in the morning meant we just hit the red button and it went off. Whenever anything like this usually happens, which is not often at all tbh, he has a habit of taking himself off upstairs and leaving me downstairs with the kids, basically opting out of family life to I don't know, punish me, get distance or whatever. So after being stuck at home for 4 days solid with 2 sick kids I maturely thought I'd beat him to it and took myself upstairs after being repetitively told to fuck off and not speak to him for the rest of the day. We began texting so the kids didn't realise we were arguing and he mentioned how I was upstairs when I have in the past expressed dislike at him doing that. I said yes I was staying up here, I didn't want to be around him and he didn't want me around. And as I am the one who does 95% of childcare and after the past 4 days I was having some space for a bit. They were safe downstairs with him. I kept popping down to tidy up and do dishes and check on them then going back upstairs. They knew were I was and were welcome to join me if they wanted to. His reply....

"If you didn't want your kids you should have kept your legs shut"

And I can't get those words out of my head.

Do I accept that it was one of those things said in anger said for maximum impact as there is absolutely no truth in it but hurts nonetheless, or not? I can't even articulate to myself or him why that has hurt so much. It just feels so.. I guess degrading?

Would anyone else be bothered by those words and if so can anyone pinpoint why as I am obviously bothered but struggling as to why. On the other hand I am more than happy to be told I should get over it.

Disclaimer; he is usually lovely, really. We are best friends but life has dealt us some fucking shockers relentlessly for a while and at times it gets a bit much and we will snap.

OP posts:
practicallyperfectmummy · 11/03/2019 19:31

Wow no that was a grim comment in i would struggle to get past it! He needs to understand why it was so crude and apologise.

Thatnovembernight · 11/03/2019 19:37

That’s a disgusting thing to day on so many levels.

Thatnovembernight · 11/03/2019 19:37

say

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 11/03/2019 19:38

Sounds horrible - but the strops and arguments sound nasty too. I know life can grind you down and people get frustrated and snappy but you need to have a chat when it calms down.

Yes it was a nasty thing to say and pretty stupid. It takes 2 to tango as my mum used to say.

It’s a good idea to have an arrangement when either of you can have some adult time out - but try to find a way to come to an agreement that one can’t just flounce off when in a huff and leave the other to all the work and responsibilities. If he (or you) needs to flounce then go and do the shopping or take the car to get some petrol.

Being super organised takes some of the stress and snapping points away.

whifflesqueak · 11/03/2019 19:39

I’d struggle to get past that too.

nause · 11/03/2019 19:41

He sounds bloody horrible I don't think I could still look at him in the same way after the comment. Plus his attitude stinks. LTB.

JaniceBattersby · 11/03/2019 19:42

Absolutely rancid and totally disrespectful. I wouldn’t want to be with anyone who could even utter those words to anyone. Never mind the person they were supposed to love the most in the world.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 11/03/2019 19:43

Yes it’s horrible but he needs to realise what a crap thing it was to say - even in anger - and that it went over the line.

It’s hardly a cause for divorce but you guys need to work in the stress and flashpoints. If you are arguing a lot then you need to address that too. It’s not good for anyone.

Has he said anything about the argument?

Original poster
JustifiedOrNah · 11/03/2019 19:45

I completely agree me storming off instead of him solves nothing, I just wanted to show him how it feels to be left alone. I still took care of what needed doing like tidying up, he was just lay on the couch watching TV. It's nothing being more organised can solve unfortunately, life has just been shocking, deaths, ex's, issues on his side of the family etc and whilst we are always holding each other up sometimes we let go. I must stress this isn't a regular thing, it's never gone to such a personal level before and I think that's why I'm struggling.

OP posts:
SuziQ10 · 11/03/2019 19:48

That's an awful thing to say. And very strange. You've given him two wonderful kids? Maybe you need to make a big example of this... so he knows how bad a thing to think / say.

Also, is this really strange behaviour for him, out of the blue? Where do you think this attitude came from.. has he been socialising with someone new? It is odd.

Original poster
JustifiedOrNah · 11/03/2019 19:52

Sorry, I didn't mention they aren't his kids, I don't know if that changes anything. My kids dad is completely absent and they're young so he has become their only father figure by default.

But it still fucking hurts. Actually made me feel dirty? I'm relieved to see that whilst indont behave perfectly myself I am not overreacting about that comment, though. I just don't known how to bring it up again without starting another fight.

OP posts:
BollocksToBrexit · 11/03/2019 19:52

It's a mysoginistic expression which is used when categorising women as slags. He's connecting the existence of you children to you being a slut. That may not be his intention, but that's what he's done.

SheepAnarchy · 11/03/2019 19:55

My DHs friends said that to me once.
I bit his head off.
Cue massive apologies.
I’ve never forgotten and it still smarts; usually he is a lovely man.

Original poster
JustifiedOrNah · 11/03/2019 19:55

@SuziQ10 not in terms of friends but he has had to temporarily switch job locations and is around different people. Another thing adding stress. It is new behaviour in terms of being so personal. I actually told him to leave after he said it but he wouldn't acknowledge that.

OP posts:
lolaflores · 11/03/2019 19:59

Well. It's in text. From his phone.
He can ignore all he wants.
He should leave and gave the courtesy to be embarrassed.
He's a twat

TwixBix1 · 11/03/2019 19:59

I'd imagine it'd be difficult to get "intimate" with someone after they say something like that!

AutumnCrow · 11/03/2019 20:05

It's a vile thing to say. It's a vile way for a person to think.

He isn't your children's father so i would honestly bin him off. If he won't go, as you've intimated he won't having been asked ... Is the house yours of his or joint?

Honeybee79 · 11/03/2019 21:14

It's a disgraceful thing to say. Really demeaning. I would feel exactly as you do op.

Merryoldgoat · 11/03/2019 21:27

I don’t care what life’s dealt you - there are some things you just don’t say.

I honestly don’t understand how there are all of these ‘really lovely guys’ who say utterly vile things.

poppingoff · 11/03/2019 21:51

To be honest, repeatedly being told to fuck off would probably have been more than enough for me to make sure he never got near my open legs again.

The other comment, and his double standards, would only serve to reinforce my decision to LTB.

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 11/03/2019 21:55

His true colours op..
He resents your dc.
Time to ltb.

MzHz · 11/03/2019 22:02

Newsflash to op: he’s really NOT AT ALL lovely! He’s an arsehole!

MynameisJune · 11/03/2019 22:10

He sounds incredibly childish. How long have you been together? I would never be able to look at my DH the same way again if he said that.

Complete lack of respect for you, and shows how he really feels about the children. They are yours, and therefore your problem to look after.

Makegoodchoices · 11/03/2019 22:32

Those words came from a place of contempt. I’d say counselling or end of relationship.

But personally, I’d find the phrasing near impossible to forgive and forget.

Aquathest · 11/03/2019 22:46

It sounds like when he is angry with you, he doesn't want anything to do with you or the children.

This would be worrying as you seem to think you have a 'family life' with him and your children but I think his behaviour is showing you that he doesn't think the same.
Are you with this man believing it is a stable unit for you and your children since their father left?

As for the insult - in the heat of the moment he may just have left his true thoughts creep out...