Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I overreacting being hurt over this comment

66 replies

JustifiedOrNah · 11/03/2019 19:25

Me and DP spent the day arguing yesterday. Petty stuff mostly, it's been a stressful time for a long time and an event early in the morning meant we just hit the red button and it went off. Whenever anything like this usually happens, which is not often at all tbh, he has a habit of taking himself off upstairs and leaving me downstairs with the kids, basically opting out of family life to I don't know, punish me, get distance or whatever. So after being stuck at home for 4 days solid with 2 sick kids I maturely thought I'd beat him to it and took myself upstairs after being repetitively told to fuck off and not speak to him for the rest of the day. We began texting so the kids didn't realise we were arguing and he mentioned how I was upstairs when I have in the past expressed dislike at him doing that. I said yes I was staying up here, I didn't want to be around him and he didn't want me around. And as I am the one who does 95% of childcare and after the past 4 days I was having some space for a bit. They were safe downstairs with him. I kept popping down to tidy up and do dishes and check on them then going back upstairs. They knew were I was and were welcome to join me if they wanted to. His reply....

"If you didn't want your kids you should have kept your legs shut"

And I can't get those words out of my head.

Do I accept that it was one of those things said in anger said for maximum impact as there is absolutely no truth in it but hurts nonetheless, or not? I can't even articulate to myself or him why that has hurt so much. It just feels so.. I guess degrading?

Would anyone else be bothered by those words and if so can anyone pinpoint why as I am obviously bothered but struggling as to why. On the other hand I am more than happy to be told I should get over it.

Disclaimer; he is usually lovely, really. We are best friends but life has dealt us some fucking shockers relentlessly for a while and at times it gets a bit much and we will snap.

OP posts:
Aquathest · 11/03/2019 22:48

I should have added that you are not overreacting at all about being hurt.

It's a vile thing to say.

AgentJohnson · 12/03/2019 01:09

in the heat of the moment he may just have left his true thoughts creep out...

This, there’s no hiding from his contempt of you now.

Why would he take responsibility for his vile behaviour when you are so busy excusing it. Being someone’s emotional punching bag, however infrequent, is not and never will be, ok.

Your kids can not escape his toxicity or the culamative effects of it.

dreichuplands · 12/03/2019 02:54

It is an unpleasant thing to say and it didn't make much sense until you said he wasn't their father.
He doesn't see himself as a co-parent, they are your dc and he doesn't want them really and truly. He judges you for having them.

k1233 · 12/03/2019 02:54

I'd be telling him my legs are now firmly welded shut at the ankles after that totally shit comment.

Gaolbird · 12/03/2019 03:50

How long have you been together? I'd agree, he does seem to have a positive or inclusive attitude to your DC. It might be better leaving him now and finding someone more accepting.

MsDogLady · 12/03/2019 03:56

He felt entitled to debase you on a deep level. Nothing could ever excuse that. He sees the children as ‘other.’ My relationship with him would be over.

Njordsgrrrl · 12/03/2019 03:57

Fucksake what a pricktoid. Bin the cunt 🗑️

Insomnibrat · 12/03/2019 04:04

He resents the children and he resents you either having them, or having had them to someone else.

This man's a bad egg.

Tattybear16 · 12/03/2019 04:46

Sorry but it would be over for me, I’d keep replaying it back in my head all the nasty comments. He has no respect for you or the kids. Vile. He’s showing you who he is, listen. You don’t have to put up with the crap, and he doesn’t care.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 12/03/2019 04:57

Considering they're your kids and not his you shouldn't be flouncing off after arguements to leave him to look after them, childcare should be down to you.

WanderingTrolley1 · 12/03/2019 05:26

LTB.

He will never accept your children.

Shoxfordian · 12/03/2019 05:48

He doesn't sound lovely. He seems to have no respect for you. Ltb

BlackCatSleeping · 12/03/2019 05:48

Considering they're your kids and not his you shouldn't be flouncing off after arguements to leave him to look after them, childcare should be down to you.

What utter bollocks!

The OP needs a break. He should be helping out more. That comment was horrible. I really don't understand how a supposedly "lovely" man could say such a thing.

EarringsandLipstick · 12/03/2019 06:14

That's horrendous. I see nothing in your posts OP that indicate he's in any way lovely.
Also, I don't see that you flounced off at all. You left the row, but you say yourself were up & down, doing some chores etc while he lay on the couch
You're making excuses for this man, and to me, there's no equivalence in your behaviours.

NotTheFordType · 12/03/2019 06:37

What an awful thing to say.

I'd be replying "if you didnt want kids you should have tied a knot in it and at least we could have had more enjoyment watching your impression of balloon animals"

Might not be the most positive way to move forward, mind...

Aquathest · 12/03/2019 08:42

NotTheFordType - They're are not his DC, which makes the comment even worse imo

InsertFunnyUsername · 12/03/2019 08:48

Oh god, him not being the kids father makes that comment even that bit worse! He let slip what he really feels, i dont think i could get past it tbh.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/03/2019 09:32

I'd be telling him my legs would be shut forever more as far he's concerned.
That's a vile comment.

thebabessavedme · 12/03/2019 11:23

he has told you what he really thinks of your children.

liamhemsworthsrealwife · 12/03/2019 11:34

You are not married to a good man. No normal or good guy would ever speak like this.

I can't tell you how twisted it is to say something like that and it is indicative of the kind of person he is as a whole.

I fear you won't get rid of him, but you owe it to yourself and to the kids he clearly thinks very little of and will damage with his behaviour. And if you think they don't know you're fighting - they do.

Nevergotobedfangry · 12/03/2019 11:43

Know the feeling OP. My dp thinks I'm trying to avoid and get away from him and kids because I apparently walk around all day. I'm a sahm he works. Every time we eat the dishes have to get done because the cat will try climb in the sink (have no door on kitchen) sometimes I'm walking g round picking up toys, clothes, ect and putting them in correct room ect

liamhemsworthsrealwife · 12/03/2019 11:45

Considering they're your kids and not his you shouldn't be flouncing off after arguements to leave him to look after them, childcare should be down to you.

Yes god forbid you'd marry someone who realised kids are a commitment and responsibility* and that's what comes with marrying someone with children. *

My ds is not my dh's child. Hasn't stopped him doing half of everything.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/03/2019 11:50

Yes, it's a vile thing to say but it sounds like a toxic relationship on both sides to be honest, with all the rowing and flouncing off and sulking and arguing by text...?

Why are you together?

Original poster
JustifiedOrNah · 12/03/2019 12:07

Thank you all for your replies. He is in work now, but this morning another spat happened. Again to do with the kids. I got up to get them up for school, he didn't have to be in work until 9.30 today and I heard him yawning when I was giving the kids a nudge so popped my head in and asked if he wanted a brew. Then he dives up, gets himself ready in record time and starts going on about how he's ready now and how I am now going to go and spend 20 minutes in the bathroom Confused (i got changed and washed my face that's it) and why is he expected to get up on mornings he is off work or in later etc. He is absolutely not. I do it all myself when he isn't here so why he thinks I suddenly need him when he is here I don't know.

Then I took him to work after the school run. Queue remarks about how the girl and sometimes bloke he gets a lift off go this way that way it takes 13 minutes from this point god now I am not going to get to have a smoke before I go in etc. He stormed out the car after a curt "thank you".

I've got home and text him that his true colours have shown the past couple of days, how I won't accept a live in partner who refuses to accept any responsibility for my kids because they didn't shoot out of him and resents me for them being here and imposing on his life. My kids fucking adore him. To their face he is great, fun, says all the right things but behind closed doors he obviously resents their presence.

We've been living together for a couple of years now. And this is all so out of character. Or maybe it's not. Maybe I just didn't see it trying so hard to do everything and maybe I'm the one who's made him think that they are solely my responsibility. But then he knew I had kids. What did he think that this was just a place to crash and get his end away without any more effort of help required from me?

Feeling very sad this morning. I hear you all loud and clear and the worst thing is I'm hearing him loud and clear too. Bloody hell.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustifiedOrNah · 12/03/2019 12:11

Ginger there really isn't usually a lot of arguing. It's surprisingly a calm house usually despite life's efforts. The text thing is mostly because when we discuss things in person he will just shout over me, doesn't listen or take anything in so via text gives him a chance to read it and take in what I've said and for me to speak without being shut down.

It's not ideal but works for us. We've sorted a lot of stuff that way just being sat next to each other and still being cheery in front of kids. And it saves my kids having to listen to rows which I absolutely will not accept.

OP posts: