Am I overreacting being hurt over this comment

[JustifiedOrNah]

Me and DP spent the day arguing yesterday. Petty stuff mostly, it's been a stressful time for a long time and an event early in the morning meant we just hit the red button and it went off. Whenever anything like this usually happens, which is not often at all tbh, he has a habit of taking himself off upstairs and leaving me downstairs with the kids, basically opting out of family life to I don't know, punish me, get distance or whatever. So after being stuck at home for 4 days solid with 2 sick kids I maturely thought I'd beat him to it and took myself upstairs after being repetitively told to fuck off and not speak to him for the rest of the day. We began texting so the kids didn't realise we were arguing and he mentioned how I was upstairs when I have in the past expressed dislike at him doing that. I said yes I was staying up here, I didn't want to be around him and he didn't want me around. And as I am the one who does 95% of childcare and after the past 4 days I was having some space for a bit. They were safe downstairs with him. I kept popping down to tidy up and do dishes and check on them then going back upstairs. They knew were I was and were welcome to join me if they wanted to. His reply....

"If you didn't want your kids you should have kept your legs shut"

And I can't get those words out of my head.

Do I accept that it was one of those things said in anger said for maximum impact as there is absolutely no truth in it but hurts nonetheless, or not? I can't even articulate to myself or him why that has hurt so much. It just feels so.. I guess degrading?

Would anyone else be bothered by those words and if so can anyone pinpoint why as I am obviously bothered but struggling as to why. On the other hand I am more than happy to be told I should get over it.

Disclaimer; he is usually lovely, really. We are best friends but life has dealt us some fucking shockers relentlessly for a while and at times it gets a bit much and we will snap.

I'm sorry OP. This sounds awful.

The comment was horrendous because a) it's making it clear he thinks you were "slutty" with previous DP (from your posts, I'm assuming relationship with exDP wasn't great). It also makes it clear that he has negative views of your personality and/or sexual behaviour b) He does not particularly love or value or kids as he sees them being the result of you screwing up in some way. They are a mistake to him.

I think this is really worrying and I'd suggest that you really need to get to the bottom of this. Clearly arguing by text isn't helping. what about couples counselling where he will be stopped from shouting over you and you can both actually express what's going on?

But any man who consistently swears at you, accuses you of acting inappropriately sexually, complains about everything you do and isn't truly willing to accept your kids as part of your life just isn't worth it in my opinion.

Considering they're your kids and not his you shouldn't be flouncing off after arguments to leave him to look after them, childcare should be down to you.

I agree with this. You arent married so he hasnt actually taken them on as his own he sees you as someone hes in a relationship with who has kids, not as a family.

I shouldn't be allowed to be in a different room in my own home to avoid being near him because the children he chose to move in with arent biologically his and he shouldn't have to help with their care? Oh.

He has a son too btw. 2 girls too but they're too old to consider overnight stays. 2 nights every week here and half sometimes all holidays. Guess who does 80% of that care too. So whilst I am ok to collect and drop off his son, do most of the care for him as well as my own and DP too, I shouldn't expect him to help look after kids that aren't his and should allow him to rant at me about how he is entitled to lay in bed all day if he wishes on his days off and make vile comments about me keeping my legs shut if this doesn't happen?

Its not even the kids I want help with, I can handle my own kids. It's about ME feeling supported. And not resented. Or like a massive slag for daring to have kids and then daring to leave them in the same room as him.

I’m sorry lovely, but I think the blinkers of hope have come off and you are realising the reality of this man. He is NOT decent. It is not right to be unable to talk calmly about disagreements, to need to text as he’ll shout over you, to be spoken to curtly when you’ve done nothing, to be told to fuck off (at all). It doesn’t matter if he fakes nice in front of kids/others he is NOT. And the remark he made about keeping legs together is abhorrent and highlights how mean and misogynistic he actually is.
You are going to have to find the strength to be totally honest with yourself about his behaviour, is it caring and do you feel cherished and respected? Not years ago but now? Part of life is to have things go awfully bad but deaths/ill-health/family dramas etc do not excuse such appalling attitude (and believe me, I know all about life going badly wrong). Would you want your daughter to be spoken to like he speaks to you? Truly, there are good men out there, it shouldn’t be like this. Good luck.

Jesus wept some people are so judgemental...he made a comment in the heat of an argument which we have ALL done. If he is normally a lovely person then just move on...

End the relationship...counselling....what the hell?

I'd never be able to get past a comment like that. I genuinely can't believe anyone would be so nasty. That is such a personal, degrading comment to make - I don't care how cross he was, to actually be able to come out with something like that in the heat of the moment or at any other time is absolutely disgraceful. Just goes to show what he thinks of your kids too to make a comment like that.

I myself would never be able to forgive or forget that comment and would have to seriously think about calling it a day. I am quite dumbfounded to be honest!

That all sounds rather horrible.

It sounds a bit like someone has been in his ear if this is all new behaviour. One of those new colleagues perhaps?! A female one perhaps?!

Whose name is the house in?

Do you WANT to try to make it work or do you want out?

He sounds rather unpleasant from what you have described, not sure why you think he is lovely.
I think you'd be better off separating from him.

Possibly. Maybe it's just a case of his mask slipping. Maybe this is who he is and how he really feels and it's slipped out during an outburst. I don't know.

The house is mine, no issues there. Right now I'm really confused. He has a couple of days off work after today, we absolutely need to talk and not text and get to the bottom of his thinking and reasoning behind his comment and general attitude atm. One thing is for sure, I am not scared to walk away from someone who can't support me and resents a family that have only ever accepted and loved him. We all deserve better than that. I'm not tied to him in any way and if it's the end it's the end, we tried.

Thanks for all of your replies. I'll update when we have had the chance to speak properly.

"What did he think that this was just a place to crash and get his end away without any more effort of help required from me?"

Yes I think this is what he thought. He thinks too that your children are primarily your responsibility here and they are nothing to do with him.

What is he exactly to these children and why do you think they at all adore him?. They pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken, here.

You have shown love and respect, and have helped him with “issues on his side of the family.” Yet he degrades you and includes your children in that vile remark. He also told you to F. Off several times, which would automatically be it for me. Did he say that in front of the children?

Dear God @AmIWelcome
Jesus wept some people are so judgemental...he made a comment in the heat of an argument which we have ALL done. If he is normally a lovely person then just move on...End the relationship...counselling....what the hell?

Really? We've ALL made horrible misogynistic comments that debase our parents & their children?

No. No most people, decent people have not🙄

And it's not just one comment anyway. It's his pattern of behaviour.

Nah my husband's never called me a slut in the heat of the moment.

I don’t care what life’s dealt you - there are some things you just don’t say

I honestly don’t understand how there are all of these ‘really lovely guys’ who say utterly vile things

^This, totally. The bar for 'lovely men' seems to be set so low.

I think OP.. you'll find it hard to sleep with him again. That comment popping into your mind will be a passion killer, that's for sure.

Oh and the 'stress' excuses you are making are just that - excuses. A person is either capable of saying nasty , derogatory, unpleasantly sexist things to the person they purport to love. Or, they are not. It's a character thing.

When he leapt out of bed to get ready super fast after you offered him a cuppa, isn't that like he was trying to put you in the wrong? Instead of letting you make him a drink, he was ready fast enough for you being in the bathroom to be a problem to him.

Other than childcare issues, is it an equal relationship? Or do you tend to make him drinks, food, give him lifts, organise what he should be doing?

Sounds as though you are both stressed and need some time out. Any chance of a sfew days away together without the children? That would give you time to talk.