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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He gets frustrated and snaps at me.

66 replies

Thefunspaniel · 10/03/2019 21:06

Generally an all round nice guy. Kind, fun, generous etc.

However, I am starting to think there are control issues.

Some examples;

We have a day out to somewhere we've never been before, all agreed to get a taxi home. I call a local taxi firm to meet us at the train station and tell him the name of the firm. When we get off the train and the cab isn't waiting. I say I'll give it 5 mins and then call them. He gets agitated, tries to get into other peoples taxi's despite me having already asked the drivers if they were booked for us. I tell him I'm nipping to the loo. He says angrily he'll phone the taxi company. I come out of the loo, I ask him what the cab company said, he snaps at me that it's my job to phone them. I phone them, ascertain how far away the cab is and get things sorted. He is literally on fire with anger at this point. We get in the cab and he refuses to talk all the way home.

He likes to book everything and be in control, so I initially thought it was because I had dealt with this particular trip but when he does deal with things and similar issues crop up, he then snaps at me anyway!. But he gets more annoyed when I deal with anything and it isn't 100% perfect.

We are on holiday and using the tourist open top bus. We get off and have lunch. All really lovely. He suggests we enjoy a stroll to the next bus stop. We walk for a while but can't find the next bus stop. He starts getting angry. Asks me what we should do and I say I will do whatever he thinks is best but I would probably just admit defeat and walk back to the original bus stop. He gets really angry, tells me I'm in a bad mood (I'm not, I deliberately stay quiet to try and appease him!) and even when I realise I had pointed out exactly where the bus stop was and I was right and he ignored me and he was wrong, I say nothing. I tell him it doesn't matter and we have all day and have enjoyed a nice extra walk. He just sulks and refuses to talk to me for nearly an hour.

Most of these issues are travel related. He's been really rude to hotel receptionists if he can't understand them and I think literally can't hear when he becomes stressed. There is a constant dialogue of "pardon" and tutting said in a aggressive way. I've tried raising my voice so he can hear me but then he accuses me of shouting. (I'm not).

He honestly treats me like a child and he places no value on my input in these situations.

When he left his mobile on a tourist bus, I was straight onto sorting it out and got it back for him. All I could feel was relief that I had foiled another of his bad moods! Rather than relief he'd got his phone back!

I have tried talking to him about it and he either gets angry and tells me it's me being in a bad mood and not him. (Honestly, everyone tells me what a calm person I am, whereas he is "known" for his snappiness) The other thing he does is pretty much dismiss my concerns as irrelevant.

It's got to the point where I honestly don't want to go anywhere with him now because if it's not 100% perfect, I am walking on eggshells. Invariably I'm in public with him and trying to keep up appearances.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 10/03/2019 21:10

I couldn't be putting up with that, OP. Be needs to go and see his GP.

Thefunspaniel · 10/03/2019 21:19

Do you think so? For anxiety?

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 10/03/2019 21:25

Yes because it's a problem, it's affecting you and making you both unhappy. I dont know what the remedy is but the GP would be able to signpost you in the right direction.

LaurieFairyCake · 10/03/2019 21:32

He's angry and controlling. He also sulks, never admits he's wrong. Doesn't apologise or take responsibility.

And you don't have to put up with that.

Anxiety my arse, he's just a twat.

pictish · 10/03/2019 21:34

Sounds like an arsehole to be frank. How long have you been together?

Justmuddlingalong · 10/03/2019 21:39

I deliberately stay quiet to try and appease him!
Over time, this becomes a normal reaction to being in a controlling, emotionally abusive relationship. He will not change, the relationship will not change, but you will. You'll become a shell of your former self.

Glitterandunicorns · 10/03/2019 21:40

He sounds controlling and nasty, OP. The fact that you have to walk on eggshells and try to deal with things which would cause one of his moods is not a good sign.
Whether he has mental health issues or not, he still sounds awful. (From someone who also has mental health issues but doesn't use them as a stick to beat other people with).

Get rid, OP. You deserve better. Thanks

crappyday2018 · 10/03/2019 21:40

He sounds awful. My ex was a bit like this although not in the controlling sense. He would get angry, sulk and spoil things for everyone else if something went wrong for him. For example, we went on holiday with the kids and he wasn't able to use the internet on his phone (he hadn't set it up for use abroad before we left). He literally went in a bad mood and petulantly refused my offers to help. He spoiled the first day of our holiday.
I used to act like you, desperate to resolve the issue to avoid his moods. Its no way to live OP.
Why should you walk on eggshells?

pallisers · 10/03/2019 21:42

What you have described would have me deciding I could find someone a lot easier and nicer.

Yes you could send your boyfriend to the GP and worry about his anxiety etc etc. Or you could acknowledge that it isn't your problem and you deserve better.

And by the way
I deliberately stay quiet to try and appease him!

This is an utter red flag.

Wearywithteens · 10/03/2019 21:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

C0untDucku1a · 10/03/2019 21:46

Run. Run for the hills. Dont look back.

Thefunspaniel · 10/03/2019 22:09

I think it's so difficult because he is so lovely the rest of the time, although actually on thinking about it, I am wondering if I have simply moulded my life to fit round his moods, so he's not frustrated ?

It's all those little things like letting him decide what restaurant to eat in, letting him decide what hotel to book, letting him decide lots of little things. Often he'll ask what I'd like to do and I decide but it's almost like he's giving me permission to decide rather than just accepting me deciding something by myself. Does that make sense?

Because it doesn't really matter to me where we eat etc but actually it takes a lot of control from me. I do feel if I push for something like watching something I really want to watch on tv, he will sulk or tell me why it's not any good etc. If I say I don't mind and then end up watching what I wanted anyway because HE chose it, then there's no tense atmosphere. I've pointed this out to him and he says I'm imagining it.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 10/03/2019 22:11

So he's gaslighting you too?

pallisers · 10/03/2019 22:23

I am wondering if I have simply moulded my life to fit round his moods, so he's not frustrated ?

yes you have. You are walking on eggshells already.

You deserve better. Doesn't matter how lovely he is the rest of the time. Honestly it doesn't. You need to be with someone whose faults you can tolerate. If his fault is making you responsible for anything bad that happens in his life and making you dodge and weave to keep him happy, and manipulating you into doing what he wants ... well it is ok to not want to live with that "fault". because that is one hell of a fault.

He sound horrendous if that helps.

pallisers · 10/03/2019 22:26

Kind, fun, generous

Just wanted to point out that he is only kind fun and generous when he wants to be and probably when it is easy to be.

At times when being kind fun and generous really matters (that bus stop one - dh and I would have been in that together and would have turned it into a funny story eventually) he simply isn't - he is unkind, humourless and mean. Look at the reality OP.

CheckMatte · 10/03/2019 22:31

Gosh OP he sounds terribly controlling and I'm afraid it'll only get worse.
Leave before it's too late.

FrozenMargarita17 · 10/03/2019 22:53

Run for the hills, OP!!

Mrskeats · 10/03/2019 22:58

How is this behaviour kind? He’s a nightmare. Walk away.

IM0GEN · 10/03/2019 22:58

I deliberately stay quiet to try and appease him!
Over time, this becomes a normal reaction to being in a controlling, emotionally abusive relationship. He will not change, the relationship will not change, but you will. You'll become a shell of your former self

This.

Thefunspaniel · 11/03/2019 09:27

I would also have made the bus stop thing Into a funny story. It's the sort of thing you can recall to friends and make them laugh with some embellishments. I have done this in the past with ex partners.

But not with this man. Life suddenly becomes very, very serious when his moods kick in and I'm upset for ages afterwards but unable to communicate that to him. If I try, he will insist I'm making a fuss over nothing and I then start to wonder if it's me.

He never calls me names, swears or hits me, he just seems to have a really aggressive tone if that makes sense, and I feel very uncomfortable.

I am a quiet and sensitive person but everyone tells me how calm and gentle I am. But he tells me I'm the angry one?!

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 11/03/2019 09:37

Are your married?
Living together?
Have children?
Because if not, run.... far and fast.
This will not improve and if you bring kids into this it will horrible for them.
He's abusive, controlling, he gaslights and none of this is good and it certainly does not bode well for your future.
You should be able to be yourself.
You never will around this guy.
He will suck all the joy out of life eventually.

IM0GEN · 11/03/2019 09:58

If he’s like this over a bus stop, what will he be like when your relationship faces big stresses? Eg Pregnancy, children, illness, redundancy, elderly relatives, money worries, moving house

This man doesn’t even let you choose a restaurant or have feelings or opinions about it.

Run . You can’t change him.

NiceNewShiny · 11/03/2019 10:15

If you are young and don't have kids then maybe you should rethink the relationship. Do you really want to go through life having to be Cafe FIL to appease him. Also, if you want kids, do you think it's fair on them to give them a father with this type of personality. Kids are lovely but they are annoying and don't do things perfectly..... so you want them to be living with someone who get anygry???

Personally I would LTB.

If you have kids or are already married then maybe counselling?

NiceNewShiny · 11/03/2019 10:16

Careful*. Not Care FIL 🤔

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/03/2019 10:24

You are with an abusive individual and you and he should not be at all together now. This is over anyway because of his various types of abuses of you including gaslighting.

This is what he is like over a bus stop of all things.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. I can see what he is getting out of this (someone i.e you to exert power and control over which is what abuse is all about) but you?. He targeted you deliberately and saw some quality or vulnerability within you that he has used and has indeed exploited to his own ends.

You are in a relationship with an abusive person, the sort that Dr Joe Carver described as "The Loser". A description of this type of person is below:- www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

He is in that description.

Romantic relationships can be wonderful with the right person. A relationship with the wrong individual however can lead to years of heartache, emotional/social damage, and even physical damage. A damaging adult partner can damage us, damage our loved ones, and even damage the way we feel about love and romance in the future. They can turn what is supposed to be a loving, supporting, and understanding relationship into the "fatal attraction" often described in movies. There are a variety of "bad choices" that may be encountered each week - most of which are easily to identify and avoid. We all know to avoid people that appear insane or abusive and not select them as a dating partner. However, some individuals are better at hiding their personality and behavior abnormalities. In an effort to provide some warning about these very damaging individuals, this paper will outline a type of individual commonly found in the dating scene, a male or female labeled "The Loser".

"The Loser" is a type of partner that creates much social, emotional and psychological damage in a relationship. "The Loser" has permanent personality characteristics that create this damage. These are characteristics that they accept simply as the way they are and not a problem or psychological difficulty. In one sense, they have always lived with this personality and behavior, often something they probably learned from their relatives/family. Psychologists usually treat the victims of "The Loser", women or men who arrive at the office severely depressed with their self-confidence and self-esteem totally destroyed.

Your own recovery from his abuses of you will only start when you are completely free of him. Please enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid and do this in person.

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