Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He gets frustrated and snaps at me.

66 replies

Thefunspaniel · 10/03/2019 21:06

Generally an all round nice guy. Kind, fun, generous etc.

However, I am starting to think there are control issues.

Some examples;

We have a day out to somewhere we've never been before, all agreed to get a taxi home. I call a local taxi firm to meet us at the train station and tell him the name of the firm. When we get off the train and the cab isn't waiting. I say I'll give it 5 mins and then call them. He gets agitated, tries to get into other peoples taxi's despite me having already asked the drivers if they were booked for us. I tell him I'm nipping to the loo. He says angrily he'll phone the taxi company. I come out of the loo, I ask him what the cab company said, he snaps at me that it's my job to phone them. I phone them, ascertain how far away the cab is and get things sorted. He is literally on fire with anger at this point. We get in the cab and he refuses to talk all the way home.

He likes to book everything and be in control, so I initially thought it was because I had dealt with this particular trip but when he does deal with things and similar issues crop up, he then snaps at me anyway!. But he gets more annoyed when I deal with anything and it isn't 100% perfect.

We are on holiday and using the tourist open top bus. We get off and have lunch. All really lovely. He suggests we enjoy a stroll to the next bus stop. We walk for a while but can't find the next bus stop. He starts getting angry. Asks me what we should do and I say I will do whatever he thinks is best but I would probably just admit defeat and walk back to the original bus stop. He gets really angry, tells me I'm in a bad mood (I'm not, I deliberately stay quiet to try and appease him!) and even when I realise I had pointed out exactly where the bus stop was and I was right and he ignored me and he was wrong, I say nothing. I tell him it doesn't matter and we have all day and have enjoyed a nice extra walk. He just sulks and refuses to talk to me for nearly an hour.

Most of these issues are travel related. He's been really rude to hotel receptionists if he can't understand them and I think literally can't hear when he becomes stressed. There is a constant dialogue of "pardon" and tutting said in a aggressive way. I've tried raising my voice so he can hear me but then he accuses me of shouting. (I'm not).

He honestly treats me like a child and he places no value on my input in these situations.

When he left his mobile on a tourist bus, I was straight onto sorting it out and got it back for him. All I could feel was relief that I had foiled another of his bad moods! Rather than relief he'd got his phone back!

I have tried talking to him about it and he either gets angry and tells me it's me being in a bad mood and not him. (Honestly, everyone tells me what a calm person I am, whereas he is "known" for his snappiness) The other thing he does is pretty much dismiss my concerns as irrelevant.

It's got to the point where I honestly don't want to go anywhere with him now because if it's not 100% perfect, I am walking on eggshells. Invariably I'm in public with him and trying to keep up appearances.

OP posts:
Thefunspaniel · 12/03/2019 06:51

I do think he has anxiety and I have discussed this with him but I suppose if the only consequences of it are the effects on me, there's no inclination for him to change, particularly when I've been appeasing him.

When his ex left him, he was very difficult. If (when) I do leave, I have no intentions of discussing it with him beforehand as I think he will just be so difficult.

And I'm someone who prides herself on being a good communicator and listener!

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 12/03/2019 07:09

I bet you are developing anxiety and depression too what with living with this behaviour.

Pretty much all abusive men have some kind of mental health issue, that's why they are abusive. It is not a blank cheque to hurt others. They themselves usually believe it is a full pass to hurt others.

You are not the bad-mental-health-cure-by-doormat-fairy-godmother either. Please know this.

Thefunspaniel · 12/03/2019 07:19

I have suffered from insomnia since I've been with him.

Something I'd only suffered with during significantly stressful times in the past.

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 12/03/2019 07:29

He’s very controlling. That might well come from a place of anxiety and overwhelm rather than a desire to fuck you over, but it’s still an unacceptable way to be treated.

Yes could stay if he could admit it and commit to getting help, but he’s denying it and projecting it onto you.

TowelNumber42 · 12/03/2019 07:39

Do you have a place to move to, if you wanted out?

lifebegins50 · 12/03/2019 07:43

Op, I had insomnia which I had never suffered with before, to be fair period menopause csn also cause this.

How long have you been together? Does he appear charming and patient with other people?

Clutterbugsmum · 12/03/2019 10:07

OP you seem to be looking for excuses to stay with him although you are not happy.

Nothing you can / will do will make him happy. You sound like you are losing yourself in this relationship.

Thefunspaniel · 12/03/2019 14:27

I had thought the insomnia could be peri menopausal or stress related. I feel as though I'm on a constant state of alert.

Yes, I have somewhere to go albeit hassle of removing tenants etc

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 13/03/2019 00:08

Do you want to leave yet?

Oldstyle · 13/03/2019 00:24

That constant state of alert is known as 'horizon scanning' constantly looking out for what might go wrong in the vain hope of interceding before it does. It gets hard-wired after a while and is massively difficult to shift once that happens. It's also a seriously crap way to live your life. You are still young OP, with years of possible happiness ahead of you - or at least years of possibly unstressed serenity. Not underestimating the difficulties but I do so hope you are able to grab the opportunity.

Happynow001 · 13/03/2019 03:03

Yes, I have somewhere to go albeit hassle of removing tenants etc

As soon as you are sure you want to end the relationship - and this sounds a possibility- do give notice to your tenants to reduce the time you live with him (I'm assuming you do?).

Ensure all planning is done very discreetly (via a confidential email address with a good password set up), notifications from anyone involved in your departure are removed from your mobile, clear your browser history and/or use the private browser option, clear out Cookies, etc). Change the access password/pin to your computer/devices. Log out of apps as necessary and/or change passwords.

Do you have joint accounts OP? If so consider the timing to transfer some funds into a completely separate bank account with a new secure password.

Don't confide in anyone IRL who cannot be trusted absolutely if you want to keep your planning to yourself.

Graphista · 13/03/2019 03:11

OMG leave! Now!

Controlling, abusive, manipulative, ignorant, immature, irresponsible, rude, dismissive, gaslighting twat with an inferiority complex to boot!!

You're insomniac because you don't feel safe with him and you have damn good reason!

Your instincts are SCREAMiNG at you to get the hell away from this guy.

He reminds me of my father - abusive in every way possible a very angry man.

When you leave block him out your life completely!

BringMeAGinandTonic · 13/03/2019 03:51

He never calls me names, swears or hits me, he just seems to have a really aggressive tone if that makes sense, and I feel very uncomfortable.

You feel uncomfortable. That's really all that matters. A relationship should not be this way. I know. I was in one similar to what you describe above. :/

Having been in one and now being out of it, I can tell you how incredibly freeing it is to not be in the control of someone.

It sounds like this relationship is doing nothing for you and I think maybe you see that. If you don't feel he will listen or get help, then get yourself out and start getting to a point in which you're free. It's really satisfying. I feel that I can breathe again. I wish I would have left sooner.

MyOtherProfile · 13/03/2019 06:38

I've started to realise that when you're in a healthy relationship, you feel like a nice person. Your partner helps makes you feel like a nice person, because they think you are nice. That's why they are with you, because they like you.

@ravenmum Totally agree, and wish someone had told me it decades ago.

@Thefunspaniel I was in such a similar relationship for a big chunk of my 20s. It becomes normal and you excuse their crap behaviour, saying that they are stressed or anxious but that really they can be lovely. You normalize abuse and change to protect yourself and them and the relationship.

But what ravensmum said is so true. I split with my similar guy and met a lovely kind man. We have been together ages now and the impact he has had on my happiness and self esteem is immeasurable. I know he likes me and I don't have to watch what I say or do all the time.

Please seriously plan your escape.

Sarahjconnor · 13/03/2019 06:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Magpiefeather · 13/03/2019 07:07

I was reading the first OP thinking it sounds like he has anxiety and should go to the GP. That’s no excuse to treat you as he does though, and having read the thread I now see that the effect it is having on you is not enoUgh for him to want to get his problems sorted. I am married to someone with pretty severe anxiety and depression, so I know what it can be like but I also would advise you to give him a serious ultimatum- go to GP to start on the road to sort his anxiety out or you will leave. Be really honest about the toll it’s taking on you. He doesn’t need to treat you this way

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread