Desperately seeking advice on situation with friend.

[Borlotti]

I've name changed for this post as it's very personal to me.

I'm hoping for some advice on my situation please as I'm someone who struggles very much with boundaries and also have very low self esteem and I'm finding it hard to work out whether my feelings are justified or I'm just being an awful person.

I have a friend who I've known for over ten years. We became friends when I was going through a dreadful situation. I'd had a breakdown after a traumatic birth, following which my partner left me without warning when my daughter was only 10 months old. I spent some time in a mental health hospital and my friend supported me through this. It is something I've always been eternally grateful for but perhaps too much so.

Over the years I'd see my friend perhaps once every three months. She had a very busy life and would often cancel on me at short notice which I would find disappointing, but I would understand to a point. Sometimes I'd find it more upsetting than others as we'd arrange to meet, then she'd cancel just an hour before saying she wanted to do something with her family instead.

In the past two years I've been in a relationship with a wonderful man, before this I'd been single for a long time.
I invited her and her partner over to dinner a few times with us and every time she took the opportunity to tell my partner some of the embarrassing things I'd done whilst ill, ten years ago. I asked her to stop and explained how ill I was and how uncomfortable she was making me feel but she still carried on.

She invited us over for dinner twice, but cancelled one of the times, again just hours before.

In November I received a text message from her telling me her partner had left her.

I immediately rang her and told her I'd support her through everything and would be there for her.

Which gets me to the situation I'm in now.....

I have helped her to sort out benefits, accompanied her to benefits appointments, given her advice in regards to her job, how to claim child maintenance etc.

She began ringing most evenings and wanting to see me at least once a week if not more. If I was too busy (I have 2 disabled children and work from home) she'd start saying she was lonely and she hadn't seen me for ages, which would make me feel incredibly guilty and I would drop everything and go round.

She said to me that I must feel like she's using me as I now see her more in a week than I ever saw her in the last year.

Often when I have gone round she's then decided to sort out something which she's not bothered with. I've spent hours there with nothing to do whilst she's on the phone asking about how to claim council tax reductions etc when I'd already told her months ago exactly how to do it and told her I'd help her fill out the form.

She's also become incredibly bitchy and has made awful comments about her ex in front of her child.

I can understand how upset she is- he ran off with a younger woman and really has left her in the shit. I don't mind her venting to me and calling him every name under the sun, I just hate her doing this in front of her child. She's involving her child in a lot of the arguments between her and her ex and her child is going back and forth between the two of them passing on information that one's said about the other.

Sometimes when I've gone round she's said insulting things about my disabled son. She's ridiculed him for being unable to drive yet. He'd struggle with driving as his disability means that his legs and feet don't function properly. Also she's being quite hypocritical as her two oldest, able bodied children can't drive!

She's also laughed at my son as he hasn't had a sexual relationship yet and said he'll end up being a freaky 40 yer old virgin.

She then said that I should force my son to go away to university as going to the uni in our town and living at home will stop him from being independent.

My son struggles very much with independence. To be honest I'd never have imagined he'd even go to university and he has already achieved far more than I ever expected of him. She knows the nature of his disabilities and should know that actually he's already doing extremely well.

Then the latest thing has been that she has started talking to men online. Some of them married. I've told her that's what some men are like and that the minute they know you're single and vulnerable they'll be there. I told her I always blocked people like this.

She told me she doesn't care as she's not doing anything wrong and they're the ones who are messaging her.

She also started messaging a single man who was a childhood friend.
She talks to him all the time and he really likes her. He wants to start a relationship with her but she's told him she doesn't want that, then the next minute she'll get drunk and tell him she wants to sleep with him etc.

She met him a few weeks ago in his town and booked a hotel for them both to stay in together. I asked her why she'd done that as surely he'd be expecting more from it if they were sharing a room together.

Afterwards she told me she'd slept with him and that he wants them to be together. He's making plans to move to be nearer to her, but she says she'd be too embarrassed for her family and friends to see him, that she isn't attracted to him as he's bald, fat and wears glasses.

I told her I thought this was awful and that she was just leading him on and treating him abysmally.

She said she's lonely and that she enjoys talking to him and that she will tell him eventually that she's not interested but she doesn't want to just yet.

I feel like she's not the person I thought she was. I disagree with so many of her choices and every time I go round to see her I leave feeling miserable and deflated.

I dread my phone ringing or any texts or messages from her.

I've been ill again recently (mental health again) and this is all tying me up in knots as I'm wondering if I'm just feeling like this due to feeling depressed or if I actually aren't keen on her at all anymore?

I DO feel used right now. I feel like she expects too much from me and I feel she insults my family and upsets me when I do see her, however I also have this tremendous guilt due to the fact she helped me when I was ill.

I'm so sorry for the long post, I just didn't want to drip feed. I really hope someone can help me out as this is all making me feel incredibly anxious.

Oh OP, you sound so lovely. I would love to have a friend like you!

Now, listen here. Your friend sounds awful (no, it's not just you!), and you MUST call time on this friendship for the sake of your mental wellbeing. Send a final text and then block. You have absolutely nothing to lose.

Maybe something along the lines of: Dear friend, I have been thinking about our friendship a lot recently, and have come to the conclusion that it's best if we part ways. I do appreciate all you did for me in the past, and won't forget it. However these days it just leaves me feeling bad about myself, whether intended or not. The comments about my children and their disabilities is frankly the icing on the cake. I sense that we are no longer compatible, in terms of our values and life choices. So with that, I will say goodbye and genuinely wish you the best for the future.

How does that sound?

Thank you Dieu, I'm glad to hear someone removed from the situation say that it's not just me.

I'd struggle so much to send that text, but would love to feel able to.

I've struggled all my life with allowing people to walk all over me.

Even just the thought of sending that text makes me feel incredibly guilty.

I feel as though I'm at fault and that I'm not a good friend.

I've distanced myself from her the past couple of weeks as I've not been well and have told her so. I just haven't told her that her behaviour and neediness is really contributing to this.

I feel bad as she doesn't have anyone else to support her- I'm the only one who has helped her.

Just always be busy, and dont feel bad about it either. Remember all those years she was busy or cancelled on you an hour before? Put yourself and your family first OP.

That she doesn't have anyone else to support her is her problem, not yours. Perhaps if she'd been a nicer person she'd have more friends.

If you're rude about someone's disabled child and if you bring up their mental health problems to ridicule them in front of others then you don't deserve their friendship and loyalty.

My partner said the same. I know he's getting incredibly frustrated with the situation, I'm so frustrated with myself. I wish I wasn't so weak!
He see's how down I am after seeing her and has said she's really taking the piss.
I'm going through some other stuff right now with my parents (whole other long story!) and am struggling very much. This just compounds it all.

She's no friend, she's vile. She's been absolutely awful about your son and she tried to sabotage your relationship with your wonderful boyfriend. You don't owe that horrible woman anything. block her and don't have any more to do with her.

Oh my days. She sounds awful. I feel sad that you've felt you have had to justify on here why your son hasn't started driving lessons - that she has made you feel you need to justify that. You don't. To anyone. And you don't have to be friends with someone who makes you feel used.

Keep your distance, I understand you might not feel comfortable being totally up front and breaking away totally, so if you need to, reply to a text saying something like "I'm really sorry, things aren't great at the moment and I need some space to just be in my comfort zone with my family. I know you'll understand having been there when I had issues before. I'll be in touch, but I need to take care of me for a little while"

Then you're within your rights to ignore messages for a bit or take a while to reply, and perhaps she will get used to fending for herself and find someone else to use and fill the gaps.

marvellousnight I really did do some terribly embarrassing things.
I'm so ashamed of myself for it. It was when I was very ill though and was 10 years ago now.

I sometimes feel I'm deserving of the ridicule because of how I behaved, but then other times I'd feel myself getting really angry. I'd gone to the trouble to invite them both over and cook food for them and buy all the drinks etc and all I'd get would be her embarrassing me in front of everyone.

She also said to my partner that I only like trampy men with long hair who smell (not true).

I just don't know why she says these things sometimes.

I'm also very aware that I'm only pointing out all the bad things about her which makes me feel awful.

She really did support me years ago when I was ill. She'd often pop over and spend time with me or call me to see how I was.

She's also looked after my youngest for me whilst I've had job interviews or appointments, whilst single, when I've been stuffed for child care.

She does have her good parts. It's just I've not seen any recently.

The insults about your son- is that in front of him? Tell her that's not on In the forest way you can muster.

Tell her the truth as much as possible, about you, your son, things with her child and that man she's stringing along. Chances are if you are honest with her about the way she's acting she'll stop calling you. If not she may realise her reaction to the divorce is turning her into an arsehole. Either way it's better for you.

She's a nasty cunt, plain and simple, block and delete and don't look back.

She sounds fucking horrible. With friends like her, who needs enemies?!

Movingtoplantchanger No the insults aren't in front of him, it's just her saying things to me.

She thinks that children shouldn't live at home beyond 18.

My opinion differs.

Especially in regards to my son. His disability and also other things he's gone through in his life make him a lot more vulnerable and socially immature than your average eighteen year old.

She knows everything he's gone though and how hard his life has been which is why the nasty comments directed at him hurt so much.

Even my partner of just two years understand and completely accepts that my son will be living with me for as long as he needs- even if he is still at home at 40!

I have been honest to her about the man she's stringing along. I told her I thought it was horrible and I asked her what she'd say if I told her I'd met someone who was just using me for sex and company but who felt embarrassed to be seen with me. She said she understood what I was saying but that she's lonely and she enjoys chatting to him and he's someone she would have been friends with anyway.

I asked her why she couldn't just be friends with him without having sex and leading him on, but she doesn't feel she's at fault as she's told him she's not ready for a relationship right now.

My big problem and the reason why I'm so frustrated with myself is that I'm like this all the time. I can never stand up for myself. I always think I'm a bad person or a bad friend.

I'm really struggling right now with depression and feelings of worthlessness etc. I just feel like running away from everything.

@Dieu has got it spot on OP. Send the message you have nothing to lose. You do sound like a lovely person. You are incredibly strong for going through what you have and your still standing. I think you lack confidence in yourself. Look at all that you have achieved and stop thinking you are not good enough because YOU ARE

You’ve come to the end of the road with this friendship. She is being foul about your ds. Honestly, OP, is she worth all the angst and making your mental health worse? Get rid, cut the dead wood. Insulting your child is beyond low.

MkandMe you're correct in your assumption that I lack confidence in myself. I really do. I often feel like I'm a shit person, more so when I'm ill.

I even worry about what other people will think of me if I sent her a text like that. I over-analyze everything- far too much.

I'm really going to try my hardest to pluck up the courage to do something about this.

I'm definitely considering sending a text like the one Dieu suggested.

I really need to try and stand up for myself.

The recent comments she made about my son are what has finally brought all this to a head. I'm incredibly proud of him and of how far he has come. I can't bear it to hear him put down like that.

I'm just glad none of you think I'm being awful. I really thought everyone was going to say that I was.

Your friend sounds like she has a (very) few good points and lots of bad points.

You either let the friendship go (gradually or cold turkey) - or - you see her as she is, don't take anything personally, be stoical, and continue the friendship though not at your expense or inconvenience.

When she gets through this and gets into a steady relationship with someone (possibly that poor fucker, possibly not) , she'll very likely fade away a bit and want less from you/to see you less anyway.

You don't remotely sound like a bad friend or person - you sound too nice and too hard on yourself for your own good.

In the nicest way, toughen up, see her for what she is and decide if the good is worth tolerating the bad. Stop taking her (or anyone) personally and stop blaming yourself.

I've cracked and chucked a narcissist friend in the past, in retrospect I wish I'd not taken her behaviour personally and just taken her as she is, I'd only have had to have contact with her once a year or less anyway as when she's in a relationship she kinda disappears. It wasn't worth cracking over of getting stressed over. People are what they are.

*or

morality I suspect you may be correct that if she finds someone else she'll just drop me anyway and go back to being too busy as she was before. I've already thought this myself.

Deep down, I know that right now, the good is definitely not worth tolerating the bad.

I always feel so low after seeing her and have done for months now.

I dread going round to see her.

I know I do need to toughen up. My partner's getting frustrated with it all and I'm getting frustrated with myself.

Ok well, I agree with everyone else then. Either send the text or suddenly be very busy, absolutely swamped.

I have a family member who is absolutely draining too. I just limit contact as low as I can get away with. I feel guilty, but I can live with the guilt more easily than the days/weeks of anxiety/frustration/annoyance that come before and after every visit or long phone call.

She doesnt sound like a good friend. Do you think you are staying friends as you feel you owe her something for when you were ill? Well you dont as shes used that against and thats not what true friends do. They support you and move on with you. Dont let her bring you down. Its already seems to be putting a strain on yr relationship with dh.

Moving I have the same thing with my friend- the days of anxiety/frustration/annoyance.
I do feel incredibly guilty, but I just can't cope with seeing her every week or numerous times a week.

Must, I do think that a big part of me staying friends with her is due to me feeling like I owe her something from when I was ill. It's that part of it that makes me feel so guilty and so bad.
If it wasn't for that I do think I'd find it a lot easier to stop all this.

Borlotti it's ok to put yourself first occasionally. You've got enough on caring for the people you actually like (your sons) without helping someone who is rude, ungrateful and who will probably drop you when she's finished.
It sounds almost like caring for an elderly relative except without anywhere near as much obligation on your part or need on hers.

People can change for the worse unfortunately, and from your description of that embrassing meal with them and your dp it started before she broke up with her husband.

Your dp is frustrated because he loves you and wants you to be well. Take his advice. Unless your very religious and believe you will be rewarded in the afterlife, I can't see the point of going on like you are with this friend .

I do think that a big part of me staying friends with her is due to me feeling like I owe her something from when I was ill

You gave her your unconditional friendship since then....and now look at all you've done for her since she broke up with her ex.
I would say you've repaid that 'favour' a million times over.
It's time to stop.

You need to figure out and work on your own self esteem and self worth because that is why you're allowing her to treat you like shit.
She's now also targeting your disabled son to make herself feel better fgs!
Just text her that you've had enough of her using you and her disgusting remarks about your son - then block her on your phone/fb/everything so you don't even have to read her no doubt nasty replies.

Op I'm experiencing something similar at the moment. Twice recently a friend has brought up negative embarrassing things in public. She has then asked me in front of an audience if she has upset me knowing full well she has.

I'm a quiet person and definitely don't want drama, but it won't be happening for a third time audience or not.Like your freind she has good qualities but nothing excuses this nasty behaviour and I'm done with her.