Should you warn your ex if you think they are in danger?

[magiceyes78]

This is going to sound really weird but please bear with me.

I am a guy & I split up from my ex in 2018 due to a toxic relationship. Since it ended she tried contacting me on a number of times but due to the nature of the relationship I have had to completely ignore her for my own mental health.

I have snooped on her Facebook a few times & I have noticed that she is getting pretty close to a certain guy. I have no idea why but I Googled this guy's name & it came up with a News Report about a guy with the same name (which is quite distinctive) who lives in the exact same area. This report was about a guy been jailed for an assault on a woman back in 2009. I cannot be 100% sure it is the same guy but my gut instinct says it is. I have no idea if my ex is going to even meet this guy but now I am a little worried in case she does.

I know I shouldn't be snooping on her Facebook & it sounds weird that I Googled this guys name but I just had a weird feeling about him.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Gosh I thought everyone would google potential partners as a matyer of course these days. I didn't realise people didnt.

So the trouble is, if you don’t tell her she might get badly hurt. But if you do, you might get badly hurt. Or that’s the fear. Anonymous letter or email just saying ‘I hope this isn’t the same guy you’re seeing:’ followed by brief facts.I would have to tell her somehow. If he really is a psycho, he could end up really hurting her The fear is that she's talking to a dangerous guy and she could get hurt. I still don't know if she's met him or not but there's definitely strong flirting going on and they are private messaging. She could be telling him where she lives etc. The other fear i have is if it's not him but like I say he's got a distinctive first name which is a different spelling of another popular name. The area is the same and I've managed to work out that he appears to be in the same age range. I don't want to cause myself any problems and I don't want to get involved with talking to her again due to the nature of the toxic relationship we had. I don't want her knowing it's me who's told her just in case she uses it against me. I don't want to email her or send anything to the house as that could narrow it down to me. Contacting her mother or siblings would just allow them to tell her it's me. All i can think of is another Facebook account. Maybe in a fake woman's name and message her with some like "Hey hun sorry for the message just be careful and check who you chatting to on Facebook. Be safe" then I'm not directly accusing anyone but I've prompted her to check. She used to receive messages from ex's girlfriends all the time through fake accounts so I don't think it would shock her. I'm not sure though if the Facebook account could be traced back to me? However, I do feel like I need to tell her. She live by herself with a young child and I dont want her coming to any harm.

If you are going to go the fake FB route. Do it in a womans name and be specific about this bloke not vague. Vague would be scary whereas specific and she can Google him and see what you see. Maybe even send a link?
I think you are doing her a kindness.

Again, being vague is absolutely useless. If she's not seeing this guy you might be making her suspicious of some poor other guy she is seeing who is completely innocent.

Honestly don't bother if you want to do it like that. It's worse than useless and will just be confusing and distressing and is unfair on other blokes, potentially. I would be pissed off if someone sent me something cryptic like that and ignore it.

I still don't understand why you won't just name the bloke. Be specific. You aren't 100% sure it's the same guy but you're pretty sure. You don't have to claim to be 100% sure. Say you found this, you hope it isn't the guy she knows, apologies if you have the wrong person. Sorted. If it's not him, no harm done because you never was it definitely was. You can still do it anonymously.

She's your ex girlfriend, not a complete stranger. Ring her, tell her of your concerns. Then it's up to her. Don't go sending anonymous letters or setting up fake Facebook profiles, that's just daft.
If she thinks you're jealous, so what? At least she'll have the information.

If you are going to go the fake FB route. Do it in a womans name and be specific about this bloke not vague. Vague would be scary whereas specific and she can Google him and see what you see. Maybe even send a link? I think you are doing her a kindness How about a fake account in a woman's name and the message "Hey hun just be careful and check this out. Not 100% but be please be careful" and attach the link?

She's your ex girlfriend, not a complete stranger. Ring her, tell her of your concerns. Then it's up to her. Don't go sending anonymous letters or setting up fake Facebook profiles, that's just daft.
If she thinks you're jealous, so what? At least she'll have the information This would be the best idea but for the last 4 months I've had to ignore her attempts to contact me for my own mental health. It was a toxic relationship. If she knows it me she could actually go and tell this guy to cause trouble.

Just stop. You're already stalking her, and keeping track of who she is talking to. You're googling the people she is talking to. Somehow, you know they're private messaging - did you get that from her posts, or when you say you checked her Facebook, have you actually hacked into her account?

Now you're talking about sending anonymous letters or setting up fake FB accounts to warn her off this guy. You are one seriously creepy dude.

If you're going to tell her, just be transparent and honest. Be upfront with what you do and don't know. Because anything else will freak her out, and you're already the creepiest guy in this story.

Then, whether you tell her or not, sort your shit out. Be better.

*Just stop. You're already stalking her, and keeping track of who she is talking to. You're googling the people she is talking to. Somehow, you know they're private messaging - did you get that from her posts, or when you say you checked her Facebook, have you actually hacked into her account?

Now you're talking about sending anonymous letters or setting up fake FB accounts to warn her off this guy. You are one seriously creepy dude.

If you're going to tell her, just be transparent and honest. Be upfront with what you do and don't know. Because anything else will freak her out, and you're already the creepiest guy in this story.

Then, whether you tell her or not, sort your shit out. Be better* I understand how this looks. I had to end the relationship because of how toxic it was. But I still care for her a great deal. Whether it was wrong of me looking at her profile and googling this guys name is now the least of my concerns. I'm concerned about her safety.

Just to add because there are a few replies questioning my motive or pointing out that I am wrong or creepy for stalking her profile. The relationship was very dysfunctional & I was emotionally abused. After a lot of break ups I sought therapy to find out why I allowed myself to be put through this type of emotionally abusive relationship. The therapy helped, I have codependancy issues & trauma from childhood. I managed to leave the relationship but she continued to try & pull me back in. This is why I cannot directly contact her. I had to leave the relationship but I still care for her wellbeing. Yes I understand I should not be looking at her profile & I am addressing this. She has everything set to public because she knows that I will be looking at her profile. I saw the obvious exchange of messages & post comments from this guy & he I just felt something off with him so I googled his name not expecting to see anything & his name came up on the first page.

I cant change the fact that I have looked on her profile or Googled his name. I am now ONLY concerned about her welfare. I didn't want to be put in this situation but it is my fault for looking on her profile. I need to address this & stop doing it as it's preventing me from healing. But, I am now in this difficult situation. I could easily walk away & say nothing but I do not want to do that in case she is in danger. I appreciate everyone's help on this & I can only apologise if I appear creepy which I fully understand.

Send an anonymous letter. She won’t know who it came from. Much better than posting on FB which could be traced

I still don't understand why you won't just name the bloke. Be specific. You aren't 100% sure it's the same guy but you're pretty sure. You don't have to claim to be 100% sure. Say you found this, you hope it isn't the guy she knows, apologies if you have the wrong person. Sorted. If it's not him, no harm done because you never was it definitely was. You can still do it anonymously

I think this is the best way to approach it as to cause as little confusion as possible & not allowing myself to be dragged back into the toxicity of it all then I need to address my issue with looking on her social media.

You really do need to back off from this, you are sounding a bit obsessed. You don't 100% know who this guy is and you don't know 100% whether your ex is going to get involved with him or not.

Reading between the lines, I wonder if you subconsciously still want to have contact with your ex.

If you start sending anonymous messages, how do you know that your ex won't guess it's you?

Either tell her openly and then block her or put it out of your mind and move on.

It also feels as if you quite like the drama of it all.

You really do need to back off from this, you are sounding a bit obsessed. You don't 100% know who this guy is and you don't know 100% whether your ex is going to get involved with him or not. Reading between the lines, I wonder if you subconsciously still want to have contact with your ex. If you start sending anonymous messages, how do you know that your ex won't guess it's you? Either tell her openly and then block her or put it out of your mind and move on I have ignored her attempts to contact me for 4 months so I do not want any contact with her. I really wish I hadn't of googled it now but I did. Yeah this all looks a bit obsessive now but I am just concerned. I cannot contact her or she will try to keep me talking to her. If I move on & something happens then I will be devastated. I have put myself into a s**y situation & it's all my fault.

It also feels as if you quite like the drama of it all I can assure you I do not like any drama of it all. I came on here hoping for some advice. I didn't come on here for my own satisfaction or entertainment. I really needed some sound advice from the opposite sex.

She might not even believe you or an anonymous person messaging her , although you will feel you have done your bit by warning her. She might guess or assume it's you anyway .

My advice- stay out of it.

She might not even believe you or an anonymous person messaging her , although you will feel you have done your bit by warning her. She might guess or assume it's you anyway

These are all possibilities. The only thing that I want is to make sure she is careful. I am worried & I have been mulling this over for far to long but I can't ignore that fact that there are similarities between this guy & the News article. Whether she believes it, guesses it's me or it's not the same guy at least I have given her the chance to use her own judgement.

My advice- stay out of it.

I am now swaying towards this to be honest. I know her mother Googled her own partner & found a news article about him so hopefully if something does get intimate between these two her mother or my ex may Google the name themselves. If they don't & something happens then I will have to deal with it at that point. This is all making me look like a creepy stalker but honestly I am just a concerned ex.

I have ignored her attempts to contact me for 4 months so I do not want any contact with her.

You mean apart from the bit where you've been FB stalking her to the point where you know who she's messaging?

STOP KIDDING YOURSELF. You are still deeply mired in what sounds like a very dysfunctional relationship. It's great that you have recognised that, but now you need to let go and let god. This is totally unhealthy for you.

If she happens to get into a relationship with him, and he happens to hurt her
a) You won't know about it because you're not in contact, right?
b) The only person who has responsibility for that is the offender. Just like the only person responsible for a rape is the rapist.

I have ignored her attempts to contact me for 4 months so I do not want any contact with her. You mean apart from the bit where you've been FB stalking her to the point where you know who she's messaging? STOP KIDDING YOURSELF. You are still deeply mired in what sounds like a very dysfunctional relationship. It's great that you have recognised that, but now you need to let go and let god. This is totally unhealthy for you. If she happens to get into a relationship with him, and he happens to hurt her a) You won't know about it because you're not in contact, right? b) The only person who has responsibility for that is the offender. Just like the only person responsible for a rape is the rapist

You are absolutely right. I admit that I have some issue here with letting go. I have referred myself for some more Therapy to address my issues. This is very unhealthy for me & if I could simply stop myself having feeling the way I do I would. I think I am trauma bonded & god knows what else.

As you say I am not responsible for other peoples actions. This has always been my issue. I believe I am responsible for how others feel & I put other peoples feelings & needs before mine. This is why I allowed myself to be hurt throughout the relationship & I am still doing it now believing that it is up to me to warn her even though I cant be 100% certain of the details.

This is eating me up inside to be honest & I wish I wasn't the way I am.

Nothing wierd about snooping on Facebook lol it’s public domain information that is available for that purpose lol and Facebook grew on curiosity .

No I don’t think you are emotionally attached just because you were curious.

BUT only you can decide whether it’s appropriate for you to get involved , it sounds like she may be able to work out what you have by herself .

Nothing wierd about snooping on Facebook lol it’s public domain information that is available for that purpose lol and Facebook grew on curiosity . No I don’t think you are emotionally attached just because you were curious. BUT only you can decide whether it’s appropriate for you to get involved , it sounds like she may be able to work out what you have by herself.

I have to agree with you here but didn't want to argue with the people who have called me creepy or a stalker. I have had plenty of people at work who admit looking at their ex's Facebook profile. The managing director of my company has also admitted to snooping on employees profiles.

All I truly want is no harm to come to my ex & her daughter no matter what she did to me in the relationship. That is my number one & only concern.

Are you on an NHS "God knows how long" waiting list?

From what you've said in your reply post, I would recommend the following books
Co-Dependent no More - feeling responsible for other people's happiness/welfare is a strong sign of co-dependency
CBT For Dummies not really for dummies! (It's a trademark, if you haven't heard of it. If you have then I apologise!) Can really help with managing intrusive thoughts and breaking behaviour patterns.