Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should you warn your ex if you think they are in danger?

79 replies

magiceyes78 · 10/03/2019 12:48

This is going to sound really weird but please bear with me.

I am a guy & I split up from my ex in 2018 due to a toxic relationship. Since it ended she tried contacting me on a number of times but due to the nature of the relationship I have had to completely ignore her for my own mental health.

I have snooped on her Facebook a few times & I have noticed that she is getting pretty close to a certain guy. I have no idea why but I Googled this guy's name & it came up with a News Report about a guy with the same name (which is quite distinctive) who lives in the exact same area. This report was about a guy been jailed for an assault on a woman back in 2009. I cannot be 100% sure it is the same guy but my gut instinct says it is. I have no idea if my ex is going to even meet this guy but now I am a little worried in case she does.

I know I shouldn't be snooping on her Facebook & it sounds weird that I Googled this guys name but I just had a weird feeling about him.

Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
magiceyes78 · 10/03/2019 13:34

Have you got any mutual friends you could talk to? only one & I do not trust her to be honest. I also had to block her mum & dad to avoid any confrontation when we split. If I spoke to this mutual friend she could potentially tell her it was from me & then it could get back to this guy & if it is not him I could cause myself a whole lot of problems.

OP posts:
Bigonesmallone3 · 10/03/2019 13:37

I think if u know for sure that these two people are dating then find a way to get the info to her, if it's just from what u have seen on social media then don't get involved

Dirtybadger · 10/03/2019 13:42

If you send it anonymously then you just need to make it clear you aren't sure if it's the same person. So that she doesn't stop being friends (?) With someone for something they never even did.

If it is the same person then I doubt you'll be a strong contender for the responsible party anyway. Although yes in the "frame". If he was in the media for assaulting a woman then there are probably a few people knocking about who don't like the arsehole. Ex girlfriends, relatives of the assaulted woman, etc.

Original poster
magiceyes78 · 10/03/2019 13:43

I think if u know for sure that these two people are dating then find a way to get the info to her, if it's just from what u have seen on social media then don't get involved at the moment I cant be sure. She flirts with a lot of guys & she gets a lot of attention so at the moment that's all I can go on. However, there's definitely mutual attraction I would say but again it not much to go on.

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 10/03/2019 13:44

Don't send it in the post. It might intimidate her and creep her out. She wouldn't know who you were or how you knows where she lives. You aren't stalking her but she might well think she has a stalker!

Block her on social media. It will help you move on.

Original poster
magiceyes78 · 10/03/2019 13:49

*If you send it anonymously then you just need to make it clear you aren't sure if it's the same person. So that she doesn't stop being friends (?) With someone for something they never even did.

If it is the same person then I doubt you'll be a strong contender for the responsible party anyway. Although yes in the "frame". If he was in the media for assaulting a woman then there are probably a few people knocking about who don't like the arsehole. Ex girlfriends, relatives of the assaulted woman, etc.* I wasn't thinking of mentioning the name but just telling her it maybe an idea to vet potential dates on FB. Like you say if it is the same guy there must be plenty of people other than me who will be keen to let her know.

OP posts:
Original poster
magiceyes78 · 10/03/2019 13:51

*Don't send it in the post. It might intimidate her and creep her out. She wouldn't know who you were or how you knows where she lives. You aren't stalking her but she might well think she has a stalker!

Block her on social media. It will help you move on.*

Yeah you're right it would probably frighten her.

OP posts:
OddCat · 10/03/2019 13:53

I get that you want to protect her but you sound overly invested- sending anonymous letters, fake fb accounts etc.

It could all be taken the wrong way- jealous ex trying to warn her off, local loon etc.

These things have a habit of backfiring.

Original poster
magiceyes78 · 10/03/2019 14:03

*I get that you want to protect her but you sound overly invested- sending anonymous letters, fake fb accounts etc.

It could all be taken the wrong way- jealous ex trying to warn her off, local loon etc.

These things have a habit of backfiring.* Yeah I can see that. I'm over caring & that's what kept me in the toxic relationship for so long in the first place.

OP posts:
OddCat · 10/03/2019 14:04

Drop this idea and work on your self esteem and boundaries.

Dirtybadger · 10/03/2019 14:07

Don't bother sending "you should Google future dates". If I received that I would be like "wtf?" And completely ignore it. It's too cryptic and odd. Say what you mean or don't bother. If she is dating more than one person or just getting to know this guy then it won't mean anything to her. Or she might get together with him in 9 months time when that suggestion is long in the past.

Original poster
magiceyes78 · 10/03/2019 14:13

Don't bother sending "you should Google future dates". If I received that I would be like "wtf?" And completely ignore it. It's too cryptic and odd. Say what you mean or don't bother. If she is dating more than one person or just getting to know this guy then it won't mean anything to her. Or she might get together with him in 9 months time when that suggestion is long in the past. Because I am not 100% sure I would feel uncomfortable naming this guy. If I was more certain it would be different. All I have is the same name & location. If I knew his age then it would almost guarantee whether it's the same guy or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
magiceyes78 · 10/03/2019 14:15

Drop this idea and work on your self esteem and boundaries. I am leaning towards this idea to be honest. But, if anything happened & i ignored my gut feeling I would hold myself responsible :/

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 10/03/2019 14:15

But you can just say you aren't sure if it's the same guy or not. Because you aren't. I'm sure she can figure out if it's a case of mistaken identity or not herself.

Original poster
magiceyes78 · 10/03/2019 14:58

But you can just say you aren't sure if it's the same guy or not. Because you aren't. I'm sure she can figure out if it's a case of mistaken identity or not herself. I could but I just dont want anyone knowing it's come from me. This guy has the same name & the same first part of the post code. He was jailed in 2010 for 2 years & coincidently his Facebook was started in 2012. Something just feels wrong about this.

OP posts:
Musti · 10/03/2019 18:35

Just send her a message from yourself saying you'd heard that she was knocking about with this guy. Tell her rightly or wrongly you googled him and you're worried it might be this guy. Tell her to just make sure that he isn't this guy and then you've done your bit.

Al2O3 · 10/03/2019 18:40

Is she paying maintenance to you? If so tell her.

Original poster
magiceyes78 · 10/03/2019 18:46

No she's not paying anything it's just an ex girlfriend.

OP posts:
Original poster
magiceyes78 · 10/03/2019 18:58

Just send her a message from yourself saying you'd heard that she was knocking about with this guy. Tell her rightly or wrongly you googled him and you're worried it might be this guy. Tell her to just make sure that he isn't this guy and then you've done your bitThis sounds like a good idea but that could easily go pear shape knowing what she's like. She's clearly chatting to this guy but I'm not sure if that's all. She could easily use what I've said against me and tell this guy who could retaliate against me.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 11/03/2019 01:00

So the trouble is, if you don’t tell her she might get badly hurt. But if you do, you might get badly hurt. Or that’s the fear.

Anonymous letter or email just saying ‘I hope this isn’t the same guy you’re seeing:’ followed by brief facts.

I would have to tell her somehow. If he really is a psycho, he could end up really hurting her.

Bubblegumgal · 11/03/2019 01:34

Anonymous fb page. Send her a link to the news report & just write ‘maybe do a Clair’s law app just incase’
Leave it there.
Do not send it through the post (it would be a pretty big clue who it was coming from as you’d need to know her address to do that & would completely freak her out) & no I can’t say I’ve ever googled a partners name.

LaughingCow99 · 11/03/2019 01:38

What about an email? New account that can't be traced to you.

Send her the link.

Agree, she should be told. Distinctive name, same area. I'd want to know.

Spartak · 11/03/2019 01:46

I think the anonymous facebook/emails/letter is a bad idea.

I'd be totally freaked out at getting something like that - that someone is stalking me online and googling my dates but doesn't have the balls to tell me themselves.

Has she a sibling you could contact if you really don't want to talk to her?

Nquartz · 11/03/2019 06:58

Surely no one sensible would open an email from an addressing don't know anyway? I definitely wouldn't!

RiversDisguise · 11/03/2019 07:04

I would post her the thing anonymously.

I'm a woman and have never googled my husband or my previous boyfriends..

Swipe left for the next trending thread