Please help me makes sense of this inappropriate friendship

[Howdoisortthis]

I don’t really have anyone to ask about this in real life. Please be gentle - I’ve made some terrible decisions over the past couple of years and I feel ashamed of myself.

Two years ago I met a man through mutual friends the following day he started texting me, he was relentless and incredibly charming for months and months. He made me feel special (pathetic I know!)

The night we met I saw him watching and staring at me. At the time I just thought maybe he liked me, but now I wonder whether he was sussing me out as a potential target.

I was lonely and unhappily married. He’s married too. It never became physical but we did text a lot and there was some sexual content.

That side of things ended a year ago and we agreed to be friends.. no talk of meeting and no sexting.

Since then we’ve had periods of nice chat, many fall outs where I’ve tried to end it and a few periods of no contact.

Fast forward to the last couple of weeks, he’s distant and doesn’t reply to texts as often, we’ve had arguments instigated by him, he’s been abusive in his texts (told me to fuck off) during the arguments. I asked him whether he even liked me anymore, he wouldn’t answer and responded with “I care about us being friends”. I try to end the friendship but always feel weak without him.

I feel as though I’ve lost all my confidence, as if I don’t know reality anymore and I can’t seem to be strong enough to break free from him. I feel weak, mad, he’s made me feel as though I’m needy and just a really nasty person yet there is nothing specific in his texts to show that. I’m sorry I’m probably not making much sense.

In reality I’m reasonably attractive , I’m well educated, have a great job that I love, I have a good social life, lots of friends and a happy (ish) family life. Lately though I spend less time with my children, I cry a lot too.

I guess by posting here I’m hoping it will give me some kind of perspective and could help me get some kind of reality back which in turn will help get him out of my life for good. I can’t understand why he has such a hold over me.

Are you still married, unhappily or otherwise? Hard as it sounds, cut down then cut off contact with this other man. It does indeed sound like he targeted you as a vulnerable sexting buddy.

I think you're experiencing loss (soz if that's obvs)....you can't go from that level of intensity to nothing without it stinging a bit even if you recognise that it's for the best. Give yourself a couple of weeks and you'll be right again 😀 Write it off to experimenters and learn from it. I'd perhaps block his number too.

*experience

Thank you for replying. Yes, I’m still married to the kindest most trustworthy man. We’ve been married for over 20 years and I guess in the time we’ve become more like friends. It sounds so shallow but I was flattered by the other man’s attention.

I sometimes feel as though I want to tell my husband as I feel so desperate for help.

I feel pretty pathetic.

Block and then delete his number. Block him on all social media, email etc. Do it now. You'll be glad you did

Go and focus on your marriage and whether it can be fixed and your children.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You've been low and made a mistake. You sound incredibly self aware and sensible now though. You'll get through.

Sounds like you are just 'useful' to him, maybe for the sexting stuff. I've been taken in by someone who kept telling me what a good friend I was...just part of an act of keeping me on the backburner for future use [I have skills, experience and knowledge they don't have]. I've been used, verbally abused, yet been reluctant to let go as [mistakenly] I believed in the person. I was so wrong. I've walked.

Keep your dignity and know he is playing with your mind, doesn't care about you. He doesn't want to lose you, it would dent his ego. But cut off every means of contact to keep your mental health intact.

The rows are telling. He is playing a part. But because the 'friendship' isn't genuine he cannot keep the act/facade up and the irritation erupts regularly. This will never change, it's a toxic 'friendship' and will only escalate...I can guarantee that. Keep away.

Feel quite emotional reading your replies - thank you for taking the time.

@cafesociety - His replies are often v cryptic and left for me to interpret, I think he does this deliberately. My instincts tell me he he’s using me and manipulating me, but there’s a tiny inner voice that keeps saying ... what if he’s genuine and I’m loosing a good friend... unlikely but that’s what’s keeping me on a thread.

We haven’t had any sex chat for almost a year now so he’s not getting that, but he is getting an ego boost from me.

Should I send an explanation before blocking or just do it?

I think his response the other evening where he said he cared about the friendship was quite telling. What he means is he cares about keeping me as a “friend” but not actually about me as a person.

A certain type of person can keep those useful to them, close. Of course the way to do this is to appear genuine, appear interested, appear supportive of you and make you feel like you have a wonderful 'friend' you can't risk losing. When all the time they are looking after their own interests and future proofing the useful connection they have built up. I felt 'groomed'.

All the while you are in a box, and brought back when needed. The person who betrayed my trust fell out with a group of people, and to my astonishment went on to keep seeing all of them despite holding onto deep anger. I was told they were too useful to lose as contacts and for filling in time/social life when they may meet new people to use in future. I was amazed at the falseness, the acting, the bitten back resentment. Their persona was fake.

I also had the experience of having things I said twisted around, then their replies could be interpreted either way to suit their agenda...any way which would make them appear superior. It's a sick mind game which clever people can play.

Block him and delete his number.

...I would just block without explanation. It isn't going to achieve anything except maybe a confusing, upsetting awkward exchange, made to feel guilty, feeling sucked in, doubting yourself and giving it a second chance.

I did that more than once and only had to do it all over again later, and start again on my recovery after having wasted yet more precious time.

You’ve tried to end it —rightly, in my opinion, as this sounds like a co-dependent and unpleasant dynamic — and say he wouldn’t allow that, but now he’s pulling away, you’re chasing him for evidence of his continued emotional investment.

Just cut off contact with him. No explanations needed. That way you take back the control of your own emotional life that you’ve ceded to a man who isn’t a good friend. You will feel relieved as well as sad, and the sadness will fade once the adrenaline boost of his messages stops.

He is very clever with director level job.

Do you think his wife will be aware of the kind of man he is? How has he managed to maintain a relationship all these years? Surely he takes the risk in doing this that one of his friends will tell her what he’s doing.

Why are you talking about his wife? Concentrate on your own marriage; his wife is none of your concern.

@Shockers you’re right. I suppose I’m just trying to understand more about the kind of person he seems to be.

It’s the little bit of doubt about him that keeps me hanging on.

'Clever' is not necessarily a characteristic of director-level jobs, OP. And I agree with others, concentrate on your own life which sounds like a broadly good one and don't speculate about his wife. He's not good for you. And if this 'inappropriate friendship' has largely taken place over text message, then surely there's no reason she would know.

You sound unhealthily obsessed and he sounds like an arrogant cunt.

Block and delete him without explanation and concentrate on your DH.

X-post with OP. Look, he's shown you who is is -- he's someone who picked you out as vulnerable after a single meeting, pursues you relentlessly from the day after that meeting, engages in sleazy sexual conversations behind his wife's back, and when you pulled back from the sexual element, is now 'punishing' you by withdrawing his attention, and swearing at you. What more do you need to know? This is not a nice man.

I had a friendship like this op. He was manipulative and completely messed with my head. I’m sure it was deliberate and it really affected my mental health. In the end I just deleted him and walked away without an explanation. It gave me back my own power and control with the situation.
Although walking away is just the first step. It took me many months to feel like my old self again, but it did get easier. It’s been a tough ride.
These type of men enjoy playing with you and then kicking you down should you justifiably react and call them out. It’s really a miserable place to be.
If you genuinely want to move on, don’t give him the satisfaction of telling him why. That just gives the power back to him. And in these situations keeping your dignity is important to heal and start to move on.
Imagine messaging him and him looking at his phone laughing and thinking ‘ha, I knew she’d give in and message me’.

Read up on narcissism. He sounds like he has some of these traits. He cares about what you do for him, your reaction and your desperate need for his contact and attention. He will deliberately withhold this from you, until you start to lose your mind and everything which is really good in your life, your husband and children.

@Wakk yeah I think it’s fair to say I have become obsessed - it’s going to stop now though!

@BeGoodTanya - he’s definitely good with words and extremely manipulative. I asked if we could chat on the phone instead of texting and he was always dead against this - he said he’d “be shy”!! Truth is it’s a lot harder to manipulate someone that way, you’d have to think pretty quickly instead of carefully crafting every text response. I feel like such an idiot.

@Halftermcoming Thanks for sharing your experience with me. He definitely fits in with that narcissistic type of personality. I think back to the early days when he seemed really keen, he would ask me a question and I would respond, then he would not even read it and disappear for days. It was as if he was telling me he was in control and he would make me feel pathetic and needy for even questioning it. My mental health has been affected too.

He’s played with your head op. Until you feel you don’t know your own mind or reality anymore. It won’t get any better. Your confidence will continue to plummet.
I hope you can delete and walk away. And start to return your focus and attention back to where it should be. Your lovely family. The people who genuinely love and care god you.

I look back now and honestly can’t believe how I completely compromised myself. Take some comfort that by being ‘happy’ and rebuilding yourself will hit him where it hurts..his ego.

I think the fact that you feel nasty, weak, mad etc. may well be your own conscience kicking in. You know, deep down, that you are behaving reprehensibly and that the relationship is hurtful to your marriage and your own image of the sort of person you are. No wonder you feel bad and have zero self respect or esteem.
You need to cut contact and find a new way of making a happy life for yourself.