Please help me makes sense of this inappropriate friendship

[Howdoisortthis]

I don’t really have anyone to ask about this in real life. Please be gentle - I’ve made some terrible decisions over the past couple of years and I feel ashamed of myself.

Two years ago I met a man through mutual friends the following day he started texting me, he was relentless and incredibly charming for months and months. He made me feel special (pathetic I know!)

The night we met I saw him watching and staring at me. At the time I just thought maybe he liked me, but now I wonder whether he was sussing me out as a potential target.

I was lonely and unhappily married. He’s married too. It never became physical but we did text a lot and there was some sexual content.

That side of things ended a year ago and we agreed to be friends.. no talk of meeting and no sexting.

Since then we’ve had periods of nice chat, many fall outs where I’ve tried to end it and a few periods of no contact.

Fast forward to the last couple of weeks, he’s distant and doesn’t reply to texts as often, we’ve had arguments instigated by him, he’s been abusive in his texts (told me to fuck off) during the arguments. I asked him whether he even liked me anymore, he wouldn’t answer and responded with “I care about us being friends”. I try to end the friendship but always feel weak without him.

I feel as though I’ve lost all my confidence, as if I don’t know reality anymore and I can’t seem to be strong enough to break free from him. I feel weak, mad, he’s made me feel as though I’m needy and just a really nasty person yet there is nothing specific in his texts to show that. I’m sorry I’m probably not making much sense.

In reality I’m reasonably attractive , I’m well educated, have a great job that I love, I have a good social life, lots of friends and a happy (ish) family life. Lately though I spend less time with my children, I cry a lot too.

I guess by posting here I’m hoping it will give me some kind of perspective and could help me get some kind of reality back which in turn will help get him out of my life for good. I can’t understand why he has such a hold over me.

@PerspicaciaTick it’s had an impact on my whole family. I do feel as though I have low self esteem, always have had.. which is maybe why I was taken in by him.

I know blocking is what I need to do, but I keep making excuses not to do it.. for example right now I’m thinking about the super busy week at work I have ahead of me and how I don’t want any more upset. Maybe I’ll cut all contact and build up to blocking over the course of the week. It would also be kind of satisfying to see his reaction to me not replying to his texts. I’ve never ever done that before... but don’t want to start playing his games.

On the other hand if I do block him now I’ll be too busy at work to even think of him!

Either way I’m giving him far too much of my headspace... I imagine he’s not thought of me once this weekend.

Op I've been through something very much like this and the only thing you can do is cut all contact. I know it seems impossible but believe me you will feel so much better.
It's only been 3 days for me but I had to block him on f.b and his mobile number otherwise he would still text me trying to win our friendship back.
We had an inappropriate friendship and I can relate to the feeling flattered and excited. Our friendship also turned sour. We kept blocking each other then unblocking. I kept begging him not 2. I feel pathetic now saying that. I thought I couldn't live without him. The ping of f.b messenger the butterflies in my tummy.
Im married nearly 13 years. My husband isn't awful we still sleep together I was just bored.
The turning point for me was him for the 3rd time canceling our coffee meet up. Saying we are wasting each others time and i would never leave dh. And hes right. I was never in love with him i was exited with the feeling of being wanted. Feel free to pm me if u want.

Just think of your kind lovely husband and the upset this would unleash if he ever found out. Block him, it's the only thing to do.

Honestly block him. It feels strange but also satisfying to know to know you have had the last word. The last time he unfriended me was because I wouldn't say I had missed him. Thought to myself than that was it no more. He wormed his way back 3 days later by texting me. Find something else to focus on go out with a friend. Spend time with dh

@thecatsarecrazy - I know you’re right. The messenger sound drives me crazy but adrenaline rush I used to get has faded now.. maybe he senses that and that’s why he’s pulling away.. so I’ll chase him.

@TheFirstRuleOfFightClub Good advice - thanks. My husband is the exact opposite of this man, totally straightforward and uncomplicated.

The thing to remember is that in years to come, this man will be a story you have where another person made you feel confused, unsure you were good and on the back foot. You're going to wonder why you stayed so long and let it go on.

But the fact that you're still seeing it in terms of whose move it is and what that will mean suggests to me you've a way to go before you cut him off.....

@something2say - I think you’re right .. I guess as humans we try to avoid pain at all cost and I feel like blocking is going to hurt really badly.

@thecatsarecrazy - well done for being so strong. Stick at it!! Our situations sound v similar.

I think I was quite naive before all of this - gullible too. 😔

Blocking may hurt yes, but in time you'll realise. Friendship isnt this complicated!!!

I'd do plenty of journalling about it. No writing to him.

Friends meet up, they chat on the phone, they meet each other’s spouses, they want the best for each other and they add to each other’s lives in a positive way.

This man isn’t a friend. He does none of those things. He’s not a friend. You were an ego boost/ something to wank over / affair candidate for him, and he was a distraction/ bit of intrigue and excitement for you.

You’re piling loads of overthinking and overanalysing into this - you’re making it a much much bigger thing than it needs to be. Yes he’s manipulated you to an extent, but if you keep thinking of yourself as a victim utterly in his power then that’s where you’ll stay. You’re neither, you entered into this ‘inappropriate’ friendship - nobody made you. It was a shitty and disrespectful thing to do to your husband yes, but what happens next and how you put things right is entirely within your power. Stop making excuses, for him and yourself, and end this toxic nonsense before it does some real damage.

You are going to have a much bigger problem if your DH finds out.
Have some self-respect and block the warped idiot.

Thanks guys - you’re right.

I’ve not yet blocked but I’ve switched his messages to ‘ignore’ for now. I don’t think he’ll text anyway but if he does at least I won’t see it.

Could you be suffering from depression? Crying a lot and spending less time with your children could be symptoms of this - maybe therapy or counselling could help, or do you have a sympathetic GP? You need to go no contact with this man immediately, he doesn't have your happiness at heart. It will be hard at first but you'll soon feel so much stronger.

He is playing games with you when he is bored and needing a boost to his ego.
You are in a habit and using this sometimes positive relationship to boost your self esteem.
You are both addicted to the drama!
You are worth more than this. Don't look to him for your own worth. It's wasted time.
Don't do an explanation (it's asking for more drama) just stop texting him and block block block. Delete all old messages.
Every time you think of him or are tempted to contact him go and kiss your kids, busy your hands with something (cleaning?).
In years to come you will be so pleased to be free of this fake tie.

@FirstGirlonMars - I think I could be. I did actually go to see my gp last summer, I was really struggling with it all and wanted something to numb the feelings I had for him. I told the Dr the whole story and was prescribed antidepressants. They made me feel even worse and even though I knew I should probably have carried on through it, I didn’t. Instead I tried to feel better naturally by walking the dog and running.

I definitely feel that my head is clearer now, the fog is lifting and I’m stronger than I was back then. I have no urge to text him.

He sounds like my xh. Serial game player just for the kicks. There turned out to be several women in the equation. God knows how.

Block him. He upsets you, is impacting on your marriage and children and will crush your self esteem.

@yorkshirepud44 - sorry to hear that, I hope you’re free of him now.

Op, I haven’t read the whole thread, so please forgive me if I’m repeating what others are saying or if we’ve passed this...but...

You need to block this man now. You’ve both behaved appallingly towards your own spouses.
Stop concerning yourself with trying to understand what type of man he is and instead concern yourself with what type of mother and wife you wish to be, or even if you want to be a wife.

You brought this on yourself. The man doesn’t care about you and never has. That’s why he hasn’t left his wife to pursue you and beg for you.

I’m not trying to be mean, although I know it sounds awful, but you need to come back down to earth and remember the family that is here for you.

Best of luck

@DBML - it is exactly what I need to hear. Thanks

Just a quick update - I blocked him last night, with no explanation and now he’s blocked me.

I guess that’s it.. I can’t help feeling sad and feel like I’ve done a bad thing. What if he was just a nice but lonely guy.

Thanks for all of your replies and advice.

feel like I’ve done a bad thing. What if he was just a nice but lonely guy.

Sigh. First of all, good work. That was the right thing to do. But honestly, OP, it worries me that you're still looking for excuses for him, and ways in which to see his behaviour, and your relationship, as benign. This man is not some lonely innocent -- he picked you out on a night out, immediately targeted you with flattering messages, engaged in a sleazy sexting relationship with you, and got nasty when you tried to end up. Why are you still refusing to see this? You were played, OP.

Recognise that, be glad you came to your senses, and move forward and start re-inhabiting your own, good life, that many people would envy. The cravings will go sooner than you think.

Well done. It will hurt to start with but it gets better. I blocked mine on Wednesday night. He had run out of data due to refresh the next day so he would have found out then. I felt a bit mopey to start with but now i just think what a twit I've been. It gets better op

I don’t want any more upset.

One of his tactics is to blow hit and gold, to keep you in a rollercoaster of emotions.

The best thing you can do for yourself and, yes, your self esteem, is to step off the rollercoaster by blocking him and changing the name on his number to 'selfish monster ' or something like that.

No more upset, no more feeling out of control. No more giving away your power to someone who has done nothing to really deserve your attention.

As for what if he was just a nice but lonely guy.

He really wasn't nice in any definition of that word. He targeting you , messed you around and yet you are still wondering whether he was just nice but lonely. He isn't.

Hi OP, no judgement here. It happened to me too.

A deep, intense 'friendhip' (both married) all through texting, that went on for months and months. Probably dozens of secret messages every single day.

We both described it as an addiction that we couldn't stop. I know that in hindsight, that was utter BS.
Of course we/you have the power to stop this, and you have. Stay strong.

Remember, this man is not a good man, he is not your friend.

What finally made me end ours and realising what awful people we both were (I take equal responsibility) was clicking on his wife's social media and seeing the life they had together. It suddenly felt so wrong, so real.
It's all a lie. These 'friendships' are something that's missing in YOUR life, and your seeking contact with this man to fulfill that void.

Keep busy at work and remember why you blocked him

You're infatuated and addicted to the rush of adrenaline this relationship gives you. You say you are successful and am wondering if you are one of those people who find happiness in excitement or otherwise get bored quickly. Maybe until then, you got your dose with aiming high with your job, finding the right partner, having the perfect children but now that you've got it all, you need to find another buzz, except it is harder to do so and so you hook up to something that is almost desperation, hence lileaving yo with low self esteem.

I know many people like you that have a high need for stimulation and adrenalin rush who have taken up a competitive sport, set themselves a goal, and get all the endorphins trying to beat records etc... very addict but much healthier all around.

*you're