Please help me makes sense of this inappropriate friendship

[Howdoisortthis]

I don’t really have anyone to ask about this in real life. Please be gentle - I’ve made some terrible decisions over the past couple of years and I feel ashamed of myself.

Two years ago I met a man through mutual friends the following day he started texting me, he was relentless and incredibly charming for months and months. He made me feel special (pathetic I know!)

The night we met I saw him watching and staring at me. At the time I just thought maybe he liked me, but now I wonder whether he was sussing me out as a potential target.

I was lonely and unhappily married. He’s married too. It never became physical but we did text a lot and there was some sexual content.

That side of things ended a year ago and we agreed to be friends.. no talk of meeting and no sexting.

Since then we’ve had periods of nice chat, many fall outs where I’ve tried to end it and a few periods of no contact.

Fast forward to the last couple of weeks, he’s distant and doesn’t reply to texts as often, we’ve had arguments instigated by him, he’s been abusive in his texts (told me to fuck off) during the arguments. I asked him whether he even liked me anymore, he wouldn’t answer and responded with “I care about us being friends”. I try to end the friendship but always feel weak without him.

I feel as though I’ve lost all my confidence, as if I don’t know reality anymore and I can’t seem to be strong enough to break free from him. I feel weak, mad, he’s made me feel as though I’m needy and just a really nasty person yet there is nothing specific in his texts to show that. I’m sorry I’m probably not making much sense.

In reality I’m reasonably attractive , I’m well educated, have a great job that I love, I have a good social life, lots of friends and a happy (ish) family life. Lately though I spend less time with my children, I cry a lot too.

I guess by posting here I’m hoping it will give me some kind of perspective and could help me get some kind of reality back which in turn will help get him out of my life for good. I can’t understand why he has such a hold over me.

OP, I have been in a similar place to you so no harsh words from me. Like you I was going through a rough patch emotionally and in a moment of weakness I got in touch with an ex. Although I am happily married to my lovely DH this ex (who is in a relationship himself) immediately started with his old tricks again - hot and cold messaging, cryptic hints, showing absolutely no interest in my life. I became addicted to our contact and although it never became sexual or suggestive I was definitely obsessing over it. I stopped replying and tried to get a grip of myself, and of course, rather than see if I was ok he blocked me. These people know exactly what they're doing and they do it just for kicks - my ex didn't care one jot about me, and I'm sure this guy doesn't care about you either. Focus on yourself and your marriage now and try to heal.

Oh FFS! You’re not a victim here, you’re just having an emotional affair, all be it a dysfunctional one. Stop making excuses and end it already and book yourself some solo counselling.

All this naval gazing angst is an excuse to stay in the relationship. You ask if his wife knows what type of man she’s married to? Does your H know what type of woman he’s married to?

You’re making this all about the OM, when it’s all about you and your behaviour. You’ve cast yourself as the victim to absolve yourself of responsibility, nice try.

You sound unhealthily obsessed and he sounds like an arrogant cunt

^This.

& You're married. You'd be torn a new one on MN if you were a man. But you're not, so - see this nonsense for what it is, and just let go completely. Not that he's giving you much to hold onto anyway.

Work on your marriage. Spend more time with your kids, not hiding away crying over a man that for all you know us living a perfectly happy family life. It's unfair of you to be unhappy and distant in respect of your kids.

You have a husband and this is entirely unfair on him. You've been swooning over and crying over and hanging onto text messages...! from another man whilst still staying with your husband.

& If marriage is irreparable then get some advice on next steps.

No need to wonder about his wife, he's not your man and their relationship isn't your business. The fact you mention and are trying to anticipate what she knows and thinks, just makes it seem your intentions are not good at all.

Funny, those threads where women are scorned as insecure and controlling just for being worried about H's female friend who seems a little inappropriately close, never have an admittance that oftentimes yeah, it IS a bit too close and it's not 'neurotic' to notice that.

I know a woman who went for Hypnotherapy as she couldn't get over a man. Maybe you could try same, if you really want to get over him. Worked for her, it may work for you.

I’m glad you have blocked him. You have been having an emotional affair. How would you feel if your H was texting a woman all of the time and spending emotional energy on someone else. I can tell you it isn’t nice and blows your mind apart.

Put the phone down. Spend time with your kids. Put effort into your marriage. Get a hobby, running, gym etc. It is so easy to become dependent on texting - sending, replying and waiting for a response. What on Earth did people do before mobile phones?

He’s blocked now, I have no desire to contact him and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted.