Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend wants me to meet his children

56 replies

Fluffsters · 10/03/2019 05:13

My lovely boyfriend and I have been together for three months.

We are serious about each other and I feel genuinely lucky to be with such a kind and wonderful person.

He has met my young son twice, but has never spent the night when my son is with me.

My boyfriend is very keen for me to meet his young children. Recently, he asked me when this would be happening. When he did I just felt complete panic. I tried to explain that I do want to meet his kids, but not yet.

My partner and I had a conversation early last month about slowing things down as he had brought up moving in together (at some point) and even the ‘m’ word.

I’m committed to our relationship and our future together.

Should i be concerned about myself because I’m not willing to meet his children yet?

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 10/03/2019 05:15

No, it's much too soon. What's the hurry,? Maybe after you've been together a year? Is he wanting help with childcare?

Original poster
Fluffsters · 10/03/2019 05:22

Thank you for your reply.

I also feel it’s much too soon.

I don’t really know what the hurry is. When we had our chat about slowing down, he admitted he’d been impatient about a lot of things, but we don’t talk about moving in any more and the ‘m’ word hasn’t been mentioned again. I think he just really wants me to meet his children because he and I are in love and want a future together.

However, I’d be happy to wait until at least a year’s up so their dad and I have spent more time with each other.

I don’t think it’s a childcare issue...

OP posts:
JFDIJFDIJFDI · 10/03/2019 05:26

Wait, there is no hurry. The children don’t need to meet you until things are steady and serious. If it didn’t work out they’d be confused.

Original poster
Fluffsters · 10/03/2019 05:39

Thank you for replying.

I’d say their dad and I are steady and serious, but I agree that it’s still far too early to meet his children.

I need to have a conversation with him about this, reassure him how committed I am to our relationship but say I want to wait until towards the end of the year before meeting his beautiful children.

Otherwise I know he’ll keep bringing it up and (inadvertently) putting pressure on me.

OP posts:
cushioncuddle · 10/03/2019 06:11

I agree it's too early to meet his.

Which means it's too early to meet your children. That shouldn't have happened either.

thinkingcapon · 10/03/2019 06:22

I don't understand why if you feel like this , why he's met your son twice?

adaline · 10/03/2019 06:26

Why did you let him meet your son if it's too early for you to meet his kids?

AuntMarch · 10/03/2019 06:33

I don't think it's too early for children to meet mummy/daddy's friend - it is too early for the "friend" to be around all the time during their contact and play happy families.

Children's ages make a difference too.

MyOtherProfile · 10/03/2019 06:37

Is there some reason why he has met your dc already? I could imagine maybe you bumped into him with your son somewhere. Otherwise it's double standards.

CinnabarRed · 10/03/2019 06:39

Totally agree that if it’s too soon for you to meet his DC then it was too soon for him to meet yours.

And you can say the word “marriage” - it’s rudiculously coy to refer to it as “the ‘m’ word”.

CinnabarRed · 10/03/2019 06:40

ridiculously

Nc1548 · 10/03/2019 06:46

I'm also confused as to why its ok for him to meet your child but too soon for you to meet his.

hardyloveit · 10/03/2019 06:48

I think it's too early to meet EITHER child.

Why has he met yours twice but you won't meet his?

Hypocritical a bit

BrexiteerThroughAndThrough · 10/03/2019 07:19

He's met your son, so why can't you meet his kids? I don't see why it's a big issue.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/03/2019 08:55

Has this man (and no he is not your partner either but boyfriend) really love bombed you here?. This could be what is happening here.

What is his relationship history to date, when, how and why did his previous relationship end?.

What are your own boundaries like in relationships?. Are they too low? They seem off kilter anyway if he has met your son twice already.

I do not think you know him at all and all this talk from him already of marriage and moving in together at some point would have me seeing red flags everywhere. This article also sprang to mind:-

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

Order654 · 10/03/2019 08:57

If it’s too soon to meet his kids why he he already met yours twice?

HollyBollyBooBoo · 10/03/2019 09:34

Complete double standards which is odd. WAY too soon to meet kids. Honestly how can you know it's serious after 3 months.

NameChangeNugget · 10/03/2019 10:02

Way too soon.

And be careful, you’ve been together 3 months.

WelcomeToShootingStars · 10/03/2019 10:39

Way too soon to be meeting his kids.

And utterly bizarre that he's met yours twice already, even though you agree it's too soon.

3 months is nothing. You can't claim to have a steady, long lasting relationship within 3 months.

Musti · 10/03/2019 11:37

I agree it's too soon but I would be really confused that you thought it ok to meet your son but not to meet his?

user14869556378 · 10/03/2019 11:45

Another - why ok for him to meet yours but not vice versa?!

LovingLola · 10/03/2019 11:47

Has he not asked you why it's acceptable for him to meet your child but you don't think it's acceptable for you to meet his?

Nanny0gg · 10/03/2019 13:27

Why has he met yours if you won't meet his?

(and yes, it's too early)

Original poster
Fluffsters · 13/03/2019 05:15

Thank you all so much for your replies.

To try and answer your comments:

He met my son for the first time completely unplanned. My ex had a meltdown, called (with our son screaming in the background) and demanded I take our son as he couldn’t handle him. I was with my boyfriend when this happened.

The second time was a brief, but planned, meeting in the park.

I let the second meeting take place because I thought, we’ll he’s met him once, boyfriend has suggested meeting up, isn’t this what you do? (No experience of being in a relationship with someone else who has kids, but realise I’ve got it wrong re letting him meet my son again).

However, I totally take on board everything you’ve all said about it being too soon (to meet each other’s kids),double standards and that it was definitely far too soon for him to meet my son.

Atillathemeerkat, thank you for your response and for the article link.

His marriage ended three years ago. He’s had one girlfriend since then, and did a bit of online dating/casual stuff afterwards. The relationship with his wife just broke down and he said his girlfriend wanted to to move in together, which he wasn’t up for.

My fifteeen year relationship with my son’s dad ended last year. I started seeing my boyfriend four months later. I had no plans to be with someone else so quickly.

I know I am a fully consenting adult, but I have been really taken aback with how quickly he told me he loved me, said he would marry me and had thought about us living together.

However, I have been swept up with all this as came out of an unhappy relationship not that long ago. Does this mean I’ve been lovebombed? If so, does this mean his feelings for me are not genuine?

I appreciate three months is nothing in the real world.

Thank you again for posting. I appreciate your time and thoughts.

OP posts:
OddCat · 13/03/2019 05:34

I think you need to slow everything down and make sure your boundaries are water tight . It's too late now but if your son was in a screaming state ,you should maybe have told your boyfriend that you'd have to see him another time because your son needed you .

Three months in is very soon to be talking about marriage, ( I know some people have met and been married within weeks and still been together for years) there's no rush, make sure you protect yourself and your son .