Boyfriend wants me to meet his children

[Fluffsters]

My lovely boyfriend and I have been together for three months.

We are serious about each other and I feel genuinely lucky to be with such a kind and wonderful person.

He has met my young son twice, but has never spent the night when my son is with me.

My boyfriend is very keen for me to meet his young children. Recently, he asked me when this would be happening. When he did I just felt complete panic. I tried to explain that I do want to meet his kids, but not yet.

My partner and I had a conversation early last month about slowing things down as he had brought up moving in together (at some point) and even the ‘m’ word.

I’m committed to our relationship and our future together.

Should i be concerned about myself because I’m not willing to meet his children yet?

You had a conversation early last month about slowing things down because he was talking about moving in and marriage, so that must have been when you’d only been together 6-7 weeks? Sorry OP, I know it’s romantic and everything, but that would be a red flag for me. It’s just far, far too early. Did you know each other for years before you got together?

And it sounds like he didn’t really listen to what you were saying during that conversation, as he’s still pushing to meet your kids.

Tread carefully OP. This could end in tears.

Especially given that you were single for a short time, definitely don't let him rush things. Most of your love effort and attention should be on supporting your child through the change in the family set up. Your boyfriend should still very much only expect to see you when your son is with his dad.

How old are his kids? Yours?

It sounds like you might be being love bombed.

How does he react to being asked to slow things down?

Do you find things moving at a pace you're not comfortable with?

What happens if you disagree with him about something or if you say no to him?

@AuntMarch

I don't think it's too early for children to meet mummy/daddy's friend

In my experience, kids pick up very easily on this kind of deception - they may not realise exactly what they're picking up on but they know there's something else going on.

I have mentioned this before, but I friend of mine still remembers vividly being introduced to a "friend" of his mother's when he was about six. Decades later he is able to recall every detail of the man and their afternoon together, the sense of unease he had and how odd and charged it was. Unbeknown to him, this was a man his mother was sleeping with and was basically auditioning to see if her kids liked him, as she was planning to leave their father.

This is an extreme example, but parents are fooling themselves and not their kids with the "just friends" ruse.

I am going to go against the grain and say that IMO three months isn’t necessarily too early to meet the DC and a year is most definitely too long. Children change the whole dynamic of a relationship and a year is a lot to invest if it then transpires that the children and new partner don’t make a good connection. Also, many relationships end after years regardless of how long it took to meet the kids and many are still going even if the kids met early on. As long as introducing the children isn’t something which happens in a multitude of relationships etc etc.

I will also say that talking marriage and moving in together isn’t necessarily a red flag during what is the honeymoon period in a relationship as you are in that loved-up phase,as long as there is no actual push for that to happen. There’s a vast difference between talking about something which you (at that point) hope will happen in the future, and starting to insist on looking at venues and talking to potential bridesmaids. The latter is a red flag, the former is normal and generally does settle down as the relationship progresses.

There are of course those on here who will swear blind that this is lovebomging, that there are red flags etc etc etc but this isn’t necessarily the case, only you know the man and the relationship.

With regards to meeting the kids, I would say that actually, the fact that you’ve been happy for him to meet your DC but are reluctant to meet his is potentially a sign that you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who has children. And that in itself isn’t wrong even if you do have your own. But you need to sort this out in your own head before going ahead and meeting his DC and then deciding that a relationship with a man with kids isn’t for you.

many relationships end after years regardless of how long it took to meet the kids and many are still going even if the kids met early

The point of waiting to introduce kids to a new partner isn't to give the relationship the best chance!

It's for your kids' sake.

I find it very odd you have had him meet your kid twice, because let's face it neither were unplanned, he could easily have swiftly left the first time, yet you don't want to meet his.

I would think deeply about that, because I suspect there is more to it, that you want him to accept you and your child but you really do not wish to be involved with his, or have any responsibility there.

Do you really wish to be dating a man with kids and what that entails ie potential future blended family?

My son knew my boyfriend before me, that's how we met!

We were absolutely mad about each other then and five years later are getting married.

Only you know him op.

I’m with NoCause life is more nuanced than ‘1 year rule when you know you are serious’ life just isn’t like that.

Is isn’t possible to judge any love bombing either. Although it’s very wise to think about boundaries when this stuff is coming up so soon.

I also think step mother and step father roles aren’t created equal (will probably get flamed for that) and it’s ok for you to freak out about meeting his dc.

But the fact that you are freaking out about this just means you’re not ready (unsurprising as you’re only just out of your last LTR) so keep the relationship light, keep on getting to know each other.

Much too soon and not in the children's best interests. He is putting himself first, red flag to me.
Three months is nothing, maybe try after a couple of years, when you are seriously thinking about being a couple.

Way too soon. You don’t know this man. He doesn’t know you. You’ve met him, what? 12 weeks ago?

It sounds like he’s love-bombing you.

Was your ex abusive to you? And this new man knows about it?

Really, why the rush? Take your time and get to know him on your own, without kids involved.

How do people rationalise that it’s for the kids exactly?

Unless you’re introducing a string of partners to the kids, whether they meet one partner a year in or three months is inconsequential. Absolutely things like moving in together, having more children etc need to be far more carefully considered, but meeting someone and that relationship developing over time is something which can work out regardless of whether it happens three months or a year in. In fact I know of couples where the DC have felt betrayed and lied to if their parents have held off introducing them to a new partner for several months/years.

I agree with @NoCauseRebel and PP that it's not too early. How can you know what your future looks like until you have met all the people involved and seen your new partner in his parent role?

And if the children don't all get in with the adults and each other, it won't matter how much you love each other, it will be a nightmare to continue in the relationship.

I think waiting so long to meet everyone in the equation might be one reason why step parents and children have to put up with not liking each other in the long run, because the adults Alsace committed before bringing everyone else into the fold.

Only you know if the two of you are committed enough to introduce children at this stage. If you feel there are red flags, then that's different. But if you really feel it has legs, I would meet the children sooner than later.

Themightytoosh, rushing things, trying to commit early and fast declarations of love are red flags. It doesn't mean the relationship will definitely be a wrong one, of course, but they are red flags.

Also he's trying to push the pace and OP isn't comfortable with it and has talked to him about that already. How he responded to that is really important, to my mind - if he has taken it on board and is letting OP lead things a bit then that would be a good sign, but if he's barrelling on and pushing for more (which it seems he is) then that's a bad sign.

Thank you all so much for your replies.

Oddcat, he mentioned marriage much earlier on!

Arowana, we knew each other through work for four months prior to getting together. Overall, I felt he did take on board what I said about feeling completely overwhelmed and needing to slow right down. He hasn’t mentioned marriage or living together since then. Although I was a bit annoyed when he brought up the subject of meeting his kids not terribly long after our chat.

AuntMarch, I kind of think I have let him rush things and have been swept up in the bliss of mutual romantic and sexual attraction. Having said all that, when I’m with my son, I’m very focussed on him. My boyfriend has offered to spend (more) time with us but I’ve refused politely. My son is 4.5. His kids are 5 and 9.

Category12, he was fine when I asked him to slow down. I’ve been a willing participant in every part of our relationship, but sometimes wish it hadn’t all happened in a big rush.

We haven’t disagreed about anything yet. I can’t imagine getting an adverse reaction if we did or if I said no to him.

NoCauseRebel, our kids haven’t met a multitude of different partners. Maybe I just overreacted/panicked when he mentioned marriage and living together in the future. Like you say, it can be a normal thing to bring up when you’re in the honeymoon period.

I don’t know if he’s lovebombing me. I’d never heard the expression before posting on here! I feel his intentions for me are genuine.

I totally agree with what you said about I need to sort my head out before meeting his children.

Bluntness100, again, I think you’ve raised something that has been on my mind about becoming part of a future blended family. I can’t say how I will feel in the future, but right now it makes me panic.

LatentPhase, I appreciate you saying it’s ok for me to freak out about meeting his kids! I’m definitely not ready. My boyfriend and I will just keep seeing each other, without any kids, for the time being.

NabooThatsWho, we’ve known each other for about seven months.

My ex was verbally abusive to me, but my boyfriend only found out about this very recently.

I don’t know what the rush is all about. Insecurity?

Thank you again so much for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it.

But to be fair he’s not the one pushing things is he? The OP is. Because she has introduced him to her children, so given that, it’s not unexpected that he would suggest doing the same is it?

But the message the OP is giving out is “I want you to meet my children but I don’t want to meet yours.

If a man introduced me to his children and then didn’t want to meet mine I would be the one calling red flags. So actually no. The red flags here are coming from the OP not from the bf. l

OP, at no point did I say that you had introduced your DS to multiple partners. I said that introductions so soon in would only be a concern if someone was introducing children to a string of partners, but in your case you haven’t done that. I did say though that it appears that you don’t want to meet his kids which to me would be an indication that you don’t actually want to be involved with someone’s kids. And actually that’s perfectly ok, even if you have your own DC. I wouldn’t get involved with someone with kids, even though I have children of my own. Equally though I wouldn’t judge someone for not wanting to be involved with me because I have DC, as long as they were up-front about that.

At the end of the day though, you have introduced him to your DS, so his suggesting that you meet his DC isn’t something I would categorise alongside talk of a future etc. You’ve already done the meeting kids on one side thing, so he didn’t have cause to think that meeting his kids was wrong, even if you’d talked of slowing down the other chat iyswim.

But not wanting to meet the kids when he’s met yours could be seen as a deal-breaker. The message from that is very clear IMO. And if a man introduced me to his kids and then didn’t want to meet mine I would walk away, because to me that already puts the DC in an un-equal footing, and that is no basis to start a relationship, let alone for a future.

I think that's quite a strange way to look at it - it's not a race or tit for tat, and I wouldn't compound the possible error of one side meeting the dc too early by making both sides meet the dc. It is very early days for it to be happening. I'm not on the 'wait a year' side, but 3 months is soon.

NoCauseRebel, i don’t think I’m red flagging my boyfriend and neither does he.

Apologies if my message came across that I thought you’d suggested we’d introduced our kids to multiple partners. I know you weren’t saying that at all.

I’m committed to our relationship and our future together

Really? After a few months?

I hope that’s not true, you barely know him!

He's met your child twice? It's a serious and committed relationship?...it's been 12 weeks, jeez give me a break

Just slow down. Enjoy getting to know each other but there s no need to introduce kids or start making serious commitments at this stage.

How much time do his children spend with him?

I would slow it right down if I were you. Whatever his reasons are for racing ahead, they are potentially a deal breaker as you get to know him: in love with an idea of you not the real you; wanting a house elf; anxiety; impulsiveness; control. He might chill out when you make him slow down.

Leaving aside the red flags from him, you are barely out of your marriage. Get yourself properly established and grounded before being a wife again. Have some fun.

How long was your ex being verbally abusive to you and did you split from him as soon as it started ?

I ask this because if you didn't leave quickly then you really need to sort out your boundaries before embarking on a new relationship.

Thanks for replying!

TowelNumber42, he spends one evening every week and every second weekend with his children. Good advice, thank you 😊.