Anyone else's dm walk out on them when they were a young child never to return?

[SplinterSplit]

Mine did. Just upped and left over night with no warning when I was 6. One minute there, next minute gone. Never to be seen again. Has anyone else experienced this? I've never met anyone else like this during my life.

I have name changed for this as its outing

My mother walked out when i was 6. Left the country with a much younger man. She could have been dead for all we knew.

She came back to the UK eventually, set up home with this man and became weekend mum. They had a baby together then later a second.

She dipped in and out of my life for years. But she was angry and cold towards me. She told me things that didnt make sense.

Then not long after i had my first child they all vanished again. Left the country without even telling me.

I didnt see her for a long time after that. We eventually got to an email relationship hows the weather etc.

Then there was a tragedy. A tragic death in the family. And i felt sorry for her and reached out. First time in my life i have ever had empathy for the woman.

We spoke more. But then one day she appeared in front of me. In person. She had moved back to the UK and was under the impression we were going to have some great mother daughter bond. She kept telling me how much she had missed me. She made me feel anxious.

How could she miss me. She doesn't know me.

She wanted to play grandma to my dc. Eldest was nearly 10 at this point, the others had never seen her.

No. Just no. Back off. There is no mother shaped hole in my life as you never fulfilled the role in the first place. Stop trying to make me fill the void from the person you have lost.

I went NC. Haven't seen her in over a year. Apparently she lives not far from me. I will walk past her in the street and say nothing. My dc don't even recognise her.

I don't miss her. I don't know her. I don't feel a void in my life. My only memories from before she left when i was 6 are negative ones. My dc don't need the inconsistency and they don't need how she makes me feel.

My mum left me and my siblings when I was about 10? With her then boyfriend. We did still see her but it was a relief to be taken into foster care aged 12. She had a steep decline in mental health after a traumatic childhood and descended into alcoholism. She has bipolar which wasn't picked up until after she left us.

Her own mother died suddenly in front of her when she was 4, her dad fucked off long before. She was shipped into boarding school shortly afterwards until 18. Her brother stayed with family.

I have had so many emotions about it but ultimately I can see how Mum ended up leaving us. My sister died at 3 months and the birth of my next sister probably triggered PND. I don’t forgive her but I understand and grieve for the childhood she and I never had.

The anger has gone. But I’d love to know more.

Best I can do is just give my dcs a better childhood than we ever had.

A therapist told me that abandonment is the ultimate fear for a child, and the trauma of a parent disappearing can be worse than that of abuse. thanksto you all

Possibly. I can say though I went on to be abused, and I would say that was for me far worse, as said, her leaving pales into into insignificance compared to what happened next. Daily. For years. Physical and emotional. Not sexual.

My younger sibling has never recovered, an alcoholic and a drug addict from a young age, I came through it relatively unscathed in comparison , I suspect as I was older being six when it happened, so better adjusted.

My father never got over it either, which led to much of what was to come, that and the woman he subsequently married being deeply cruel and unacceptinsg of us, she was the violent abusive one, and encouraged him to do the same, which he did, but not to the same extent as her,

If there is anyone I hate it's her. Him I can't understand, I can't forgive, but her? Her there is a special place in hell for.

A childhood friend of mine was raised by her Grandmother after her father died and her mother decided she wasn't doing it alone. She returned 10 years later to say she was getting married (and not inviting her daughter) and then disapeared again. dick.

Reading these, as my previous post, back in 1981 when it happened to me, I only wish there were support groups around at the time , reading these makes me feel I’m not alone and someone’s gets it.
The abandonment issue plays out in many ways in my life still , sometimes very subtle.

But it does go to show that 'mum' walking out on a young child appears to be more damaging than 'dad' walking out.

I suspect that's a) because it's much more normal and accepted when men do it and b) because when men leave, women just continue doing all the stuff they were already doing so the child's day to day life is less likely to be affected.

to all on here. My mum was desparate to leave my Dad for all their married life but never did as she had no money to take us with her and knew if she left without us he would never let her see us again.

Bluntness and Snot

My son's birth mum walked out when he was 3, leaving him with his dad. No MH issues, she left to be with another man.

Initially she left her oldest son there as well, despite the ex-p not being the dad.

Unfortunately both birth parents are/were inveterate liars so my son has never been told a straight account of what happened.

Birth mum is a narcissist and very very toxic - any contact usually ends with son self-harming.

I would say losing mum has been more devastating than losing dad but it;s hard to unpick that from toxic masculinity. My son's birth dad was the primary carer. Dad died when son was 13. Mum still alive and I wouldn't piss on that bitch if she was on fire 😒

This happened to my friend (around 7) during primary school. She was clearly affected by it. She used to talk about it alot. She couldn't believe that her mum just packed her thing's and left without saying anything. Her mum left behind three children, my friend was the eldest. Her dad moved in with the grandma, so that she could help raise them while he was working. Her grandma was lovely. I remember feeling shocked and told my mum. By the time primary school ended, she still hadnt heard from her mum! I imagine that it feels more devestating when the mum leaves (as opposed to the dad) because you assume they hold a greater maternal bond.

It happened to my Dad, his mother upped and left him and their siblings (I believe for another man). She was intermittently in and out of their lives during childhood, far favouring one sibling over the others, and it's caused lifelong animosity between the siblings.

I remember watching Long Lost Family a few years ago, and there was a guy searching for his birth mother. It subsequently turned out that the mother and birth father had given him up for adoption but remained together and gone on to have more children. He'd been lucky enough to be adopted by a loving family, but the sense of abandonment he'd clearly felt all his life was simply exacerbated by the programme rather than resolved as he'd hoped. I've never forgotten that episode, it was genuinely harrowing.

From another perspective, when I had PND with my DC I genuinely felt like if I left they'd be better off without me. I didn't follow that route, thankfully.

I've been thinking about this thread all night. to you all.

Over the many years I have known 4 women to do this.

1. She had an abortion aged 13 and it really fucked her head. She got pregnant and had a baby when she turned 16 and discovered it wasn't quite what she'd had in mind. Left it with the father and cracked on with her life.

2. Met her on a plane to a new life overseas. She'd run away with a younger man and left her 2 children behind. She told me he was in the army and his family were from money and he was abusive. She had no financial means to "fight him" - this was 25 years ago where single mums with no means had little choice.

3. A very pious religious type who treated her son like a baby. Made my head spin one night when she casually mentioned she'd had a son at 18 but rarely saw him and he was "a little weirdo". I have never been able to reconcile my lovely, kind, sweet friend (witness at my wedding) with this callous woman who packed her bags and left her son.

4. A friend's mother. Before having my friend and her sister she abandoned not one, but TWO other children (in different countries with different men). Again I heard tales of abuse - I believe one of the men left her with broken bones and unconscious... but the second? One of the children she has now has been cut out of the will and doesn't know it. Even I... a family friend knows it - but her daughter doesn't. The same daughter she boasts she's so proud of. It makes me think very differently of this woman - that she can have physically and emotionally abandoned 3 children.

Mine checked out mentally the day she met my stepfather. Then went abroad with him at the earliest opportunity leaving me in boarding school and when I left school I was alone. I never really recovered from the abandonment. It has changed me as a person making menquiries hyper anxious and unable to form relationships.

I have an old school friend who did this to her child. She had her DD young, left her with her ex (child's dad) at around 3 to move in with another guy, though she still saw her DD regularly. Then a few years later when that relationship ended she went travelling and has been living abroad for many years and hasn't seen her DD in all that time (she'll be around 10 now). We are still superficial Facebook friends but I find it hard not to judge her for what she's done to her child. She has a whole new life now where most people don't even know she's a mother.

Yes me. Well kinda, she's still about, I last saw her 14 years ago, when I let her see my son, hoping we could try to 're establish a family relationship. The time before that, I think was at my brothers funeral, probably 18 years before.
She is well educated, well presented and I'm sure no one who knows her would ever think it possible. I do keep wondering if I should try again, he'll everyone always says theirs no love deeper, and I know I could never be like that with my son. I was terrified that I would be, but he's 14 years old now and we couldn't have a better relationship.
I hate that people don't understand, and always wonder if they think it's cos I did something wrong. I do get really jealous of people that have had 'normal' family relationships, I don't really understand them. Most the time I think I don't care, but every now and then, the cracks open and I'm a mess. I think you have to be able to mourn the relationship and I'd like to think 99% of the time I'm at peace with it, but if anyone does have any tips, I'd love to hear them lol

It happened to me too. I was 3, my brother 6. She kept my sister who was 6 months. So I lost my baby sister as well as my mum.

It’s affected me deeply in many aspects of my life. I’ve had a bit of counselling which was very helpful, I would recommend it but find someone who specialises in how early childhood trauma affects a person’s life.

for all the motherless women here.

Thinking beyond counselling m, it's been too long. Weirdly I've ended up doing 2 psychology degrees, maybe I wanted to ' fix myself.
I remember being left in a child's play area of a shop, and being asked by shop assistants where my mum was. I think she's left me there while she went to see her other man. My dad was in the army, and apparently he found out about the affair when I told him another man had been sleeping in daddy's bed. Completely innocent but even then I suppose I realised it wasn't right. I remember trying to get a relationship with her when I was 18, and she told me that she never meant to get pregnant with me, and had planned to leave my dad when my brother was 5 but then I happened so she had to stay longer. So that was nice to hear and get blamed for o_0
I have a half brother somewhere too. He got married and I sometimes have a look on his (And her) Facebook profile as some of the pictures are public. That's pretty shit itself isn't it, having to use social media to see how they are. Slightly stalkerish too but we'll brush past that bit lol.
Most the time I don't think about it though, although mothers day is altogether shit lol. Big hugs to everyone else in the shit mothers club x

This is the saddest thread I've ever read on here.
Wishing you all peace

Definitely one of the saddest threads I've ever read

An ex-friend left her children behind when she went off with another man. She tried to spin it as best for them somehow but it really wasn't and she has irreparable damaged them. I judge men equally as hard who abandon their children.

Mine had affairs throughout my childhood. I used to have to go to OMs house after school... she'd been there all day

Had to put up with the sympathetic looks from other mums at the school gate and other kids teasing me that my mum was a slag.

She finally left when I was in my teens. With another one of her affairs.

My wonderful dad, who had put up with her shit for years stepped up and was the best single dad ever. He did remarry eventually, but died unexpectedly not long after. I miss him so much.

She married the man she left us for. They seem happy enough. We have a polite relationship. She always wants more than I feel able to give. It's all very sad and I don't know how I will feel when she dies.

This thread is heartbreaking. DDs father literally walked out of her life 3 months ago and she is devastated. Even though we have been separated for years she saw him all the time. Reading about the repercussions it’s had on peoples lives is terrifying. Although I still think that the mother leaving is one of the last taboos really. Nobody blinks an eye when men do it.

Much love to everyone on this thread!

My mother left me and my father when I was 4. In the beginning I was shunted between different friends of my father, as he worked away. Eventually he married again to the stepmother from hell! My life, til I was 10 was terrible, emotional, psychological and physical abuse from her. One day I arrived home from school to an empty house, she had left too. My teenage years were shit. My father was lovely but absolutely clueless to the needs of a growing girl. My mother wrote me a letter when I was about 15 and we arranged to meet. That was a disaster, she was all me me me! I never saw her again until I was pregnant and I tried to have a relationship with her, but it was always strained. I am NC with her now. I cant stand her.

Mine left when I was 10, my diaries from that period are heart breaking “tried to call her, can’t wait to speak to her!” “I hope she’s liking her new place, I miss her so much!” “Tried ringing again”

I always had her on such a pedestal, even as an adult I hung on every crumb of time or attention she’d give me. It was only when I had my own DD I realized her behavior and parenting-if you can call it that- wasn’t normal.

My dad raised me alone until he met someone truly vile and when I was still at school and working in a pub I moved out and shared a single bed in a rented house.

Mine left when I was 5, the youngest of 4. My oldest sibling was her own child from a previous relationship no contact) so he had then lost both his birth parents.

It was a violent, messy, disintegration of the family home (her violence) and we were all traumatised. I believe my father was having an add with a family friend.

I understand she was suffering with her mental health and later on had hospital admission. My dad tried to bring us up but quickly moved us on to boarding school and I was sent to live with his family aged 9.

Its affected my whole life and was nearly 50 years ago. I have deep feelings of inadequacy. Both my parents rejected me. I’m very defensive and find it very hard to trust people. We tried to make a relationship in my teens but it has always been superficial. I understand she feels guilty and probably felt she had no choice. I’ve been no contact for a year. I don’t miss her as I’ve realised our relationship was all about making her feel better.

Yes my 'd'm did too I was 6 ands dcs was 4... haha huge impact on us and in our 50's still trying to make sense of it. In fact now doing a research paper on it. So if anyone would like to share stories it might help try and understand it. I'm wondering if a mental health or attachment issues were behind it. Are there any themes? Found out a few years ago my m had died and left with so many unanswered questions. In our case we had no connection to her family either.. I wonder if this is typical. Op thank you for posting, it's made me realise that I'm not alon

This happened to the actor Robert Carlyle and he has spoken about it.