How to forgive an emotional affair

[Forgiveness2019]

My OH got close to a colleague, lines were crossed and now their friendship has been out in the open he realises it crossed a line. They don’t message anymore and he told her I suspected something and that he needs to cut contact. So I want to move on from this but it’s litereally eating me up. He says no feelings but he knows lines were crossed as he kept her secret and respects he has done wrong. Any advice? Times a healer they say so I am trying to just get through each day.

Sounds identical to my situation - claims no feelings but kept a colleague friendship a secret and went for lunch time walks. I have no advice, it’s eating me too.

I think everyone will be different here, so not one size fits all. Some men & women too, in your OH’s position will be able to totally detach themselves from the situation and move on. I think it’s a case of whether you trust him to do so...?

No advice of how to move on, but I'd not be comfortable that he only said to cut contact because you suspected, not because he realised or agreed that it was inappropriate. Can you talk through with him exactly what he means by that?

katy78 So sorry you’re going through this it’s horrible isn't it. Still such a betrayal

NameChangeNugget You’re right I suppose everyone will be different. I think I trust him to an extent but cannot lie that this hasn’t rocked me. In a rational state I can agree on my head to move on but the insecure times I really struggle. Suppose i’m just wondering if certain things worked for others in thei situation and I could maybe try a few.

killpop I probably worked that in correctly to be honest. He was mortified we I asked about it all and said created a stupid situation for nothing and can see how it looks so no I think he just said that there’s no need to be in touch and that I had accused him of something. Apparently she found it really stupid he deleted their messages as nothing there and has been distant with him. If this is to be beleived then I suppose she’s surprised he did that.

I’ve played this over my head so many times over analysing that at this stage I need to find some acceptance to move on. I’m going to counselling which I hope helps.

He wants to do things together and go for a night away but i’m too hurt at the moment to attempt effort woth him I have distanced myself

I would be asking why he felt the need to keep this friendship a secret from you. That smacks of him realising pretty early on that you would have been unhappy about the situation and this, in turn, makes me think you have a reason to be feeling insecure.
OH needs to be prepared for you wanting to be fully informed about what is happening in his life/friendships/ conversations until you are reassured by his behaviour.
You need to question if you want OH enough to go through this.
We all make errors of judgment and he needs to accountable for his EA.

Peakypolly Thank you, that’s good advice.

I can see he is trying to take responsibly however i’m not sure how accepting he is that it was an emotional affair, betrayal yes but affair phrase he’s not accepting. Not sure if he did accept it that would make me feel better? He understands roles reversed how he would feel.

I really understand how you feel. I found out about my dh's texting thing in January 2018 and I'm struggling now. There was a blip in October when I discovered he'd replied to her texts about something to do with work and deleted them. He'd promised he would tell me if she messaged, so I was incredibly hurt when he didn't- it popped up on the iMac, which is how I read the texts the second time.

I thought I had moved on, but this year I'm quite angry with him and feel very low. He won't call it an emotional affair. He takes responsibility for it, but I just feel different about him now. Plus he had a few days away in half term with a friend. He put something on Facebook and she saw it, clocked he was away and texted him He did tell me about that.

I don't really have any advice.

Sorry you are going through this OP. My STBXH had an EA then left me so it could be physical (I was drinking badly and drove him to it I'm told....another story,) then he wanted to try again.
We did try but he could not accept the EA was wrong cos he didn't shag her til after he left me. It was one of the reasons we couldnt make it work. On reflection..it was also one of the reasons I was so unhappy and hit the bottle- his inability to have appropriate boundaries with other women.

I think most men don't think they cross a line until they shag someone else. So If you want to stay with him, you might need to just accept that and move on. Even if he now admits to it, he will probably only saying it cos you want to hear it. I'd put money on him always thinking he did nothing wrong.

perhapsnever So sorry you’re going through this it’s from isnnt it?

I know you should be mad at him but she sounds a nightmare as well contacting him like that.

He will still be in touch woth this woman at work and it all seems professional and ‘normal’ it’s just that they did text a lot prior to this. I don’t want to be worried but it all feels so crap to be honest. I knew they had a meeting they would be in tougether and generally have to be in touch daily about work things and sometimes it plays on my mind. I am so disappointed in him that he brought this situation on to us.

I’m not sure how to deal with it, I haven’t made any rules but have asked about them being in contact. It makes me feel sick he did that. I’m not sure men do get the emotional affair aspect and actually I know it’s easy to say but if he did admit he had some sort of feelings for her then I think I would feel better because now I just feel like he is capable of lying to me so how do I fully trust him.

My dh agreed to stop texting her. They're both freelance, but know each other through work. He told me that he'd tell me if she texted. He did tell me the first time- she needed help with a work related thing and he said he didn't have time. Then he didn't tell me.

I have to accept that he'll see her occasionally - I know they have had a hug when they saw each other after it came out. They always used to and how do you stop it without being rude? He'd been friends with her for years so I don't really know how long it was a secret texting friendship.

Can you agree with him that he'll be completely open if she texts him?

I just wish I could shut my brain up. It dwells on what could have happened etc... No one can answer that one. How long have you known about it?

It’s only probably a month. I have to accept they are in touch at work and texts emails are all work related. He previously deleted the previous messages and they had that conversation so I doubt they will be in touch like they were. I think I understand why he kept it secret but the betrayal feels massive. I don’t think there were feelings either side other than friendship I think but then the boggling feeling I have is why would he delete messages and keep it secret if it meant nothing to him. I hate that thought and will never know.

I’ve felt so different and I fear I will not see him the same again. I know I have been distant when all I want to do is get comfort from him but he is the one that hurt me so it’s a viscious circle.

Did you find about it or did your dh tell you?

I asked about her and he admitted he deletes texts as didn’t want me to be upset they get on. It was in a conversation and I just blurted it out

Could you move forward with the idea that he voluntarily told you what was going on? When you asked he told you the truth.
It's so hard. I go between thinking I'm overreacting to thinking he's about to have a physical affair.
Have you started counselling? Would you want to do couples counselling?

My DH has done this twice over our long relationship. It has slowly eaten away at me and I don't feel the same about him anymore. I'm not saying that will happen to you, but I can offer my advice on what not to do:

Don't bury it. Don't pretend you're over it if you're not. If you need to, talk about it. Explain in these early stages just how much it is bothering you and prepare him for the fact you anticipate it taking you a long time and some work to move on from. Explain that there may be times, months from now, when he thinks it's dead and buried that it niggles at you and you need to talk it through.

Consider counselling (we never did it) to talk through how he ended up in that position and try and work out if something was missing between you that you can then build on putting right.

Try to find that balance between moving on, but not letting things fester. Communicate between the two of you, choose your moments when things are calm so you can articulate your view without falling out, otherwise it will only make you feel worse.

Best of luck, it's not a nice position to be in but I'm sure you can move forward from it.

I'm in exactly the same position. Discovered about a month ago that DH had reconnected with an ex via Facebook (what a cliche!).

Another cliche but he was the last person I thought would have an affair, he is not a good liar and I thought he would feel too guilty.

He claims it was just a crush, not an emotional affair. That there really wasn't anything going on apart from chatting about their lives. But then he deleted all the messages so clearly not nothing.

He seems a bit shocked by the whole thing in a way. Says he never intended to have an affair, although while still saying it wasn't an affair.

It was over months before I found out about it. They mutually agreed to cut contact from what he said. He asked for us to go to marriage counselling, which I was slightly baffled about as I didn't know about the OW at this point.

It's eating me up inside too. I can't stop looking at her Facebook profile and feeling inadequate.

I was doing fine until we went back to marriage counselling and he pretty much gave the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line. Cliche after fucking cliche.

Not sure I can ever get over this.

If it helps, I did move on the first time. Though I buried it because it wasn't long after when I brought it up that I got the eye rolls and "can't we move on from this?" They do move on more easily (offending party) as they realise what they nearly lost and desperately don't want to. But it's hard to move on from the betrayal and the wondering as to what exactly happened, if you've been told the whole truth etc. I was certain then that I wasn't told the whole truth but did believe he wanted to move on, and to be with me, hence burying it. But I didn't feel the same. We were ok though. Until things got tough about eight years later and he did it again - that's the time that destroyed it for me. And we're trying to work through it (several years later as it's taken me this long to face up to it).

That first time though, things were good. Not the same, but good. But it was over a year before I didn't think about it every single day. So don't expect to move on quickly. And don't be disheartened if six months from now it's still consuming you. Or playing on your mind. And then, my advice is to keep working at your relationship, never stop. We both took our eyes off the ball, we both neglected us, and that played a huge part in him doing it the second time. It doesn't excuse him, but I know we both neglected us. I have to accept some responsibility for doing that. Not saying that's what happened to anyone here, the first time I honestly thought things were brilliant between us, his head was just turned, but the second time things weren't great. Hope this makes sense!!

I’m reluctant to say this because I recognise that it might be hurtful, I am sure it is. Please understand that I think it is important that you acknowledge the hurt and the threat to you in this relationship. And, that you can articulate this to him.

The cruelty of an emotional affair is that your husband is seeking something that he should be able to find in his marriage with you. This is soulmate territory. He is sharing something he shouldn’t be sharing with her, his emotional being, joy and happiness, sadness and pain. That’s what your life partner is for, it’s why you commit that person.

A physical affair comes from attraction that can be fleeting and superficial. Sex is often impersonable. Emotional connections are not.

Now it could be they just connected on a very specific element of his life. A shared interest like a hobby, work issue or politics, something you don’t relate to. But it’s still going to hurt and it’s still a threat.

I just want to add an other-side perspective to this.
Years ago, I got into a short-lived inappropriate friendship with a male friend, via text. The guilt, once I realised what was going on, was beyond horrific, and I ended it quickly. I still feel sick about it now. No excuses - I just should not have done it.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that in the end it taught me so much about the depth of my love for my DH (who forgave me - more than I deserved), and that it had made me a more boundaried, loyaller, kinder and completely committed partner. It sort of immunised me against more substantial infidelity. The shock of it actually sorted a lot out, and DH and I are better than ever.
I'm not saying at all that you have to forgive, but that longer term there's a possibility that it may mean you can trust your husband more rather than less.
I'm sorry you're going through this OP

If I may support papajane too... I truly believe my DH is remorseful and wouldn't do it again now I've made it clear how much it affected me. Our issue has been that I've let it fester too long. Counselling would probably help prevent that.

Oh wow these responses have really rang true and whilst touching nerves it has helped.

It’s so hard to face up to and even though it feels like a long time in reality it isn’t. I appreciate the input here more then you will all know. It’s very hard to share this in real life which I suppose mumsnet is for.

I’m going to reflect on the replies, thank you.

Forgiveness, it sounds like an EA. He kept OW and their messages a secret, which was lying by omission. He admits that he would hate your doing the same. The secrecy indicates feelings on his part. Why else would he hide her? It sounds like he is minimizing.

Were they texting after hours and on weekends? While he was at home and out with you?

You might consider having him leave for a while to give you space to process this blow. Such a consequence would tell him that you mean business, and he would experience how losing you would feel.

It would be best if they did not continue working together, as his boundaries with her are still weak. Can he change jobs?

You do need to implement a structure for affair recovery. This would include full transparency with phone, emails, computer, phone bills, etc., as well as his answering questions and taking your hurt/anger whenever you need to vent. He should not attend any work nights out if she is present.

It is also recommended that the offending partner attend individual counseling to investigate the weak boundaries, poor coping skills, and sense of entitlement that led him to seek ego-boosts outside his relationship. Ideally, he would learn how to strengthen his boundaries to safeguard against repeating.

You would benefit greatly from individual counseling by having a safe space to express yourself in your journey of healing.

I am very sorry that you are going through this nightmare. Personally, I wouldn’t continue my marriage if my husband was having a secret relationship.

I suggest a book called Not just friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

That'll change his mind on EAs.

If it helps at all I've been the colleague but knew nothing about how the extent of how he was feeling until he refused to have lunch with our usual group.

We messaged each other a couple of times out of work. Nothing in these messages was suspect! He then told me he'd put a security code on the messaging app so she couldn't see. I told him to take it off. He started deleting messages which were nothing other than discussions on where was best to park at another office. Would I bring milk in for the team etc. I asked him why, he never replied. He was placed elsewhere in our office as part of a restructure. He cried....alarm bells rang and he now keeps his distance and cuts me off completely. Very odd. I'm assuming he has to so respecting his choices.

Are you sure it's mutual!