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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to forgive an emotional affair

57 replies

Forgiveness2019 · 09/03/2019 15:27

My OH got close to a colleague, lines were crossed and now their friendship has been out in the open he realises it crossed a line. They don’t message anymore and he told her I suspected something and that he needs to cut contact. So I want to move on from this but it’s litereally eating me up. He says no feelings but he knows lines were crossed as he kept her secret and respects he has done wrong. Any advice? Times a healer they say so I am trying to just get through each day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Forgiveness2019 · 10/03/2019 08:09

I think it was an ego boost him being in touch, it was a work phone and he barely uses it at home so I trust it was work hours mainly, she’s pretty and he probably enjoyed the attention. From the sounds of it which could be a lie she couldn’t understand why he deleted their messages and said he was stupid.

When we talk about it we go over the same things and I sense frustration because it’s repeating things which I get.

I hate the feeling of betrayal but also it’s massively knocked my confidence. There were problems between us and a lack of closeness so can rationalise that a bit but I could never of done what he did so am judging him by my standards and it’s hard to accept. I have males colleagues that I do not feel the need to hide things.

I hate this.

OP posts:
Snugglepiggy · 10/03/2019 09:10

OP this was me 10 years ago.Totally devastated by a phone call from the husband of OW that my DH had kept secret the extent of their friendship.Her DH had found multiple messages on her phone.They had been meeting for months.She had told him she loved him,and tbh a physical affair could not have hurt more.It was the sharing of confidences,family stuff etc when I barely knew of her existence.My DH had been lying by ommision after years of what I thought was a happy marriage.
So so sorry- but you will be in a roller coaster emotions -indeed it was several years before I could go a whole day and not think of it.What pulled us through was -DH cut all contact,was able to reorganise work so he didn't see her - but that may not be possible in your case.If so huge sympathy because that's tough.We went to counselling-my DH suggested it which proved a massive step in realising he was serious about understanding his behaviour.In hindsight I wished I'd asked him to leave me alone for a few days initially - not to punish him but because I was so distraught and he felt like an alien, but desperate to feel close we had some very passionate sex and that messed with my head.It is called hysterical bonding.
All I can say is we came very close to splitting up,we didn't and I am immensely pleased.We are older ,wiser probably the most content we've ever been.At some point I had to let go of the anger,accept he is essentially a good man who did a stupid thing and was genuinely sorry.It helped that he had otherwise been,and has since,been a great dad and very good to my parents and otherwise thoughtful DH.Had I other reasons to resent anything in our marriage I'm not sure I'd have wanted to work things out.
A lot depends on how willing your DH is to explore why this happened.And yes the Shirley Glass book helped me.DH less keen to read but opened upon a lot in counselling.You may not agree now but it also opened my eyes to we can become vulnerable to crossing boundaries and made me more forgiving. Wishing you all the best.

Original poster
Forgiveness2019 · 10/03/2019 12:03

I’m so savaged if not feeling the same about him or getting hurt this way again. I cannot see the light and I appreciate it’s probably difficult for him. Everything has changed

OP posts:
Original poster
Forgiveness2019 · 10/03/2019 12:03

Scared not savaged god knows where that came from

OP posts:
emotionalaffair · 14/03/2019 10:45

I was going to comment about my situation further on this thread, but given a couple of threads I've seen recently about affairs that have been picked up by the press I'm reluctant to.

I hope you're ok OP and with you well.

Thanks to everyone who has commented on this thread as some of it has helped.

CoffeeChocolateWine · 14/03/2019 12:33

I’m going through this at the moment too OP. It is so hard. And the thing I struggle with now is that I have seen him in a different light now and my feelings have changed. He’s now become a person who lies to me so how do I know what is real and what’s not? And how do we get back to a point where I can trust him.

For me, he betrayed my trust at a very vulnerable time...just after having a baby when I needed his love and support more than ever so it really knocked me for six.

And like you, my DH’s response was that we need to spend some time together to reconnect but I felt like I didn’t want to be anywhere near him and wanted some space. He needs to respect that. He apologised and started putting in more effort but it felt so forced and like he was trying to paper over the cracks rather than healing the cracks themselves.

My DH and I are working things through and we’re having counselling. As hard as it is it’s important to get all the hurt and resentment out. He needs to feel your hurt. I use the phrase ‘papering over the cracks’ a lot, but that is not enough...those deep cracks need time to heal properly otherwise they will keep reopening.

Good luck. You are not alone x

Ferfeckssake · 15/03/2019 12:07

Everything all of the posters say above rings so true for me too.Currently in counselling.

But I can't help wondering if this is a new feature of modern life. I am a bit older and perhaps seeing it differently.In an attempt to be reasonable are we allowing boundaries to be blurred?

I said in anger to my DH something I really believe .." Married men have no business having "FRIENDS " with someone their wife doesn't know about and that they share details of their life with ".
I think the " JUST FRIENDLY " is a load of crap .Angry

Support2019 · 20/03/2019 08:05

I’m going through this. I’m finding it hard they are still in touch at work. I hate it all and it’s eating me up so much.

Ferfeckssake · 22/03/2019 08:21

That is so hard for you Support2019. Any chance that he is able and willing to change jobs?
I understand the hating it and eating you up.It is exhausting isn't it.Constantly on your mind.And then I feel SO resentful towards my DH for foisting this situation on me.
Damn the lot of these stupid men.

Support2019 · 23/03/2019 09:48

I know it really bothers me. It’s mainky email contact. I want to be strong enough in myself and our relationship to not have the unheaval if changing jobs. Just not a quick fix in these situations and it so hard.

Support2019 · 23/03/2019 09:48

*Mainly

TheStuffedPenguin · 23/03/2019 12:31

You don't know what they discussed . Let me give you some examples - had such a boring day at home , don't want to go home tonight , hate wandering around the shops mindlessly ,having to go to something I don't want to , life is just so boring at times, does that give you an inkling of how these things go ? No feelings my arse !

CoffeeChocolateWine · 23/03/2019 16:17

So last night I caught him out lying again. How many lies does it take until you get to the point of no return? He was late home. He told me he had to go and see a client to give him some stuff and he ended up going for a pint with him. I thought it was weird as he doesn’t usually go drinking with his clients but I noticed a receipt sticking out of his wallet and it seemed to suggest he was telling the truth. Until later when I made a comment that I thought it was strange him going to the pub with his client. He then backtracked and said he didn’t go to the pub with him, they’d just had a beer at his house. But of course I’d seen the receipt from the pub by then so if he wasn’t in the pub with this client, who was he in the pub with? He eventually fessed up that he’d been for a late lunch with a work friend, someone else and the EA woman. This ‘late lunch’ carried on till 8.30. He claims he didn’t know she’d be there and then didn’t know how to tell me so made up some total bullshit lie.

How do we ever get to point when I can listen to what he says and not wonder if he’s lying? I thought things were improving. I’m am so angry with him. One step forwards, two steps back.

CoffeeChocolateWine · 23/03/2019 16:18

Sorry to hijack someone else’s thread. I needed to vent without starting another new thread Sad

Support2019 · 23/03/2019 21:04

Oh coffee, I really feel for you. It’s so hard to get over. Is he remorseful? Mine is but I think he is wearing thin if ne talking about it which I get as it has been discussed to death I just can’t get over it or rather I am struggling.

CoffeeChocolateWine · 23/03/2019 21:23

Well, he said he’s sorry and that he didn’t realise that she’d be there and that he didn’t know how to tell...but this is someone that I asked him to terminate a friendship with and this ‘late lunch’ started at about 2.30 and carried on until about 8.30. He’s not sorry clearly. He could have left at any time but he didn’t. He had a lovely time with EA woman and two other people for SIX HOURS and then told me a lie that he had obviously thought through and planned. He’s not sorry...he’s sorry that I saw through his bullshit.

Support2019 · 27/03/2019 20:11

Are things any better? We had got better and we were working through it but since Monday hit a massive block and thinks not good. I am struggling to get over it to be honest.

CoffeeChocolateWine · 28/03/2019 10:08

Me too @Support2019. A couple of weeks ago we had another big emotional chat where we talked everything out and we ended up agreeing that we’d both lost sight of each other but that if we needed to make things better we had to listen to each other, communicate better and basically move on from all the shit. And we were. For about 10 days I really felt like we were making strides forwards, we were talking, laughing, more affectionate...it gave me such hope Sad

And then he lied to me again and I honestly feel like we can’t come back from it this time. I don’t have the energy. He keeps telling me I need to put it into perspective, it was only lunch with two other people. He doesn’t get it that it’s because he has lied to me about seeing that woman AGAIN and that my ‘perspective’ is a year of shitty behaviour and lies.

The way I feel right now is that he’s destroyed us beyond repair. I told him the other night that I felt we might not be able to come back from this as I can’t ever imagine a time when I can listen to him without wondering if he’s lying or trusting him fully. His response was “Isn’t that just a matter of giving it time?” No mention of changing his behaviour, cutting her out and being transparent and honest. Just giving it time.

I keep crying and when I feel strong enough I find myself googling things like what help I’m entitled to as a single parent, how I can take on more work and make myself financially independent and thinking about how I can make ends meet. It’s all very daunting.

CoffeeChocolateWine · 28/03/2019 10:17

I had this weird moment on Sunday. It was a sunny afternoon, he went to garden centre and bought a load of plants and stuff to clean out the sandpit. We were all out in the garden, the kids were playing and laughing, the baby was playing in the sandpit for the first time, the sun was out and I suddenly had this feeling of peace wash over me but tinged with sadness. I felt like I was watching it as if it was a distant memory. Like at some point in the near future these family times of sunshine and laughter will all be a distant memory. I accepted it but have been so emotional ever since...almost like grief. I’m not a philosophical person but I really feel like that was the point of no return Sad

AFPH123 · 28/03/2019 13:21

Humans are capable of making some very big mistakes in life when it comes to feelings. Forgiveness and moving on is often the best way. He needs to put some work in to repair the damage though.

CoffeeChocolateWine · 28/03/2019 14:07

Thank you @AFPH123. Your thoughts make a very refreshing change from all the LTBs on Mumsnet!

desperatesux · 28/03/2019 14:21

AFPH123 he is not really putting in the work though is he, hes still lying and seeing the person.
I understand it really isn't that easy when there are kids involved and not a case of simply LTB but unless this is sorted he is going to leave you eventually for the OW if not this one some other one. Really spending a whole afternoon evening drinking with her and then lying about it. He should be on his hands and knees grovelling for forgiveness, it is worrying that he is not evening bothering to seem like he cares or understands where you are coming from

user1479305498 · 28/03/2019 14:24

Coffee, it’s very hard I know, my H can’t even think why he did what he did (which was a one sided infatuationwhere he wrote songs and poems about her ) she was involved in terms of over texting and asking him to help with jobs etc, but I think she saw him just as a friend/colleague . My H says he think it was a distraction at a point when other shit was going down (his mum was dying etc) it was many years before I found all this’stuff’ hidden away. He is mortified that he upset me so much and I don’t think I will ever feel quite the same again, however as someone else said people do some very stupid things at times for all manner of reasons and it’s not always that they are unhappy with you and it isn’t always just about sex

karenb6702 · 28/03/2019 14:54

Sorry to Jump in this thread but this has happened to me just 2 weeks ago. Been married for 15 years and this last few months ( Since Christmas) he has been non stop on his phone . We were in a bar and i just came back from bathroom and seen his messages to OW purely by accident i seen them . I begged him to cut contact with her to save our marriage he laughed in my face and started showing me messages and scrolling through her messages in front of me . He has no shame / guilt anything and has moved out . She is 29 he is 45 they work together . I have no idea what to do i'm ashamed to say i did beg . He refuses to admit any affair as to him an affair is only sex and his words were we have not had sex yet !! I am just a mess to be honest.

user1479305498 · 28/03/2019 15:22

Karen, now I rarely see it but he’s a tosser, that’s plain awful!!