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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has done a disappearing act

99 replies

21jlb · 09/03/2019 13:49

My husband has been on a training course as currently looking for a new job. It was only for 3 weeks and yesterday was the last day. He seemed to have made friends with a guy on the course and they went for a drink yesterday, which would have been from around 1pm. He kind of kept contact through the day, the last I heard was at 2.30am that he was staying at the guy’s house. His phone has been off all day and he hasn’t come home, even though the area where the guy lives isn’t too far from where we are. Find it really strange that he’d be out all day and night with someone who is a stranger.
He often does this when he goes out, but with people he knows. He hasn’t been out socialising for over a year now though.
Just pissed off that he thinks it’s ok to do a disappearing act when I get hell if I go out, which I rarely do anymore.
We’ve not been getting on well for a while now so appreciating a little space but still think it takes the piss, and also getting to a point where I’m getting a little worried too.

OP posts:
labazsisgoingmad · 09/03/2019 16:16

sounds dodgy to me lack of respect if nothing else

MyOtherProfile · 09/03/2019 16:16

Has he been away for 3 weeks or have I misunderstood?

BlimeyCalmDown · 09/03/2019 16:16

How awful for you Op. It's only going to keep getting worse, there has to be more to life than this? Choose a new life where you can be respected and happy.

Missingstreetlife · 09/03/2019 16:25

Are you worried he could be dead in a ditch, or mad he hasn't let you know. This behaviour is not ok.
Call alanon who will help you get your head straight. Good luck op

Quartz2208 · 09/03/2019 16:36

Good luck hope it goes ok when he does turn up

GetOffTheTableMabel · 09/03/2019 16:47

He is being rude and selfish but, at this stage, he is almost certainly expecting that you’ll give him a hard time when he gets home. Don’t give him the satisfaction. He’s probably already rehearsing all the reasons why it’s not his fault and perhaps even the reasons why it’s your fault that he needed to blow off steam.
Enjoy the peace and quiet and then completely wrongfoot the inconsiderate tosser by just smiling and asking cheerfully whether he had a nice time. Think of it as a small victory. He wants a row. Don’t give him one.

grumiosmum · 09/03/2019 16:49

Good advice there from Mabel.

Have some Flowers from me.

Original poster
21jlb · 09/03/2019 16:49

Nope still nothing - even other times when he’s done this he’s been in contact by now or would be back. If he has been out on the piss today I’d rather he didn’t come back then come back drunk.

OP posts:
Original poster
21jlb · 09/03/2019 16:52

I don’t want to sit here and worry, im feeling angry that he’s taking the piss out of me but at the same time I am worried just in case something has happened - it’s more “what if”.

OP posts:
JingsMahBucket · 09/03/2019 16:52

I also think Mabel speaks sense. Enjoy your time alone and take this time as way to detach mentally from him. Just keep practicing detachment. The more you detach, the easier it becomes to leave permanently in a month or so. Flowers

JingsMahBucket · 09/03/2019 16:54

Yeah, but what if something happened to him? He'll most likely find his way to A & E and be fine. There's that old saying, God takes care of drunks and babies. He'll bounce back just fine. Enjoy the silence and do something nice with the kids if they're worried as well.

Motoko · 09/03/2019 16:54

Your mental health is not going to improve while you're with him, so if you keep putting off splitting with him because your head's not in the right place, you'll never do it, and things will only get worse and worse.

It can't be doing the kids much good either, living in that sort of atmosphere.

But anyway, when he gets back (don't waste time worrying about him) I agree with GetOff above, don't give him grief, make out you're not bothered, and hope he had fun. Don't give him fuel to start an argument.

Purplecatshopaholic · 09/03/2019 16:56

If this has been going on for a while, you need to seriously think about the future - you are worth more than this, his attitude will eat away at your self respect. He wont change. My husband didnt have a drink/pub issue, he had a secret girlfriend issue! - he got binned, and I realised I can do this on my own. And so can you.

HollowTalk · 09/03/2019 16:56

If something had happened to him, you would hear really quickly. He's just keeping away at the moment and judging by your last thread, he'll still be drinking. I don't blame you for not wanting him to come back if he's that drunk.

Is he aggressive when he's drunk? If he is, then you need to call the police every time. That'll be the best way you could get to keep your house, never mind staying safe.

Original poster
21jlb · 09/03/2019 16:56

Thanks ladies

OP posts:
Calzone · 09/03/2019 16:56

I would be annoyed I had wasted a Saturday worrying about where he was.

BarlowAndStraker · 09/03/2019 16:58

My ex used to pull such stunts. My life improved immensely when I left him.

Motoko · 09/03/2019 16:58

Well, if something's happened to him, he's only got himself to blame.

LessLivid · 09/03/2019 16:58

My ex used to pull this kind of shit. I once did phone round the hospitals. I can’t imagine now how I put up with it, but it took another five years and a LOT worse before I finally left.

I shouldn’t have put up with it so long.

LovingLola · 09/03/2019 17:03

Are your children not asking where he is ?

mumwon · 09/03/2019 17:05

hmm seems that your locks need changing

CassettesAreCool · 09/03/2019 17:06

^^ what Barlow and Less said - mine's an ex principally for this reason! He did it so often I got to hoping he actually was dead in a ditch, even though he is the father of my children and I absolutely didn't want them to experience that pain. But man, the disrespect he showed me Angry!!!

VladmirsPoutine · 09/03/2019 17:06

mumwon depending on ownership/ tenancy/ etc the whole 'change the locks' trope is only seen in films.

VladmirsPoutine · 09/03/2019 17:08

@21jlb Does he work? Does he actually contribute to the running of the household and take on parenting? I would hazard a guess to no for the latter, but it would be good for you to begin considering everything in the whole rather than isolated incidents such as this.

AngieF · 09/03/2019 17:13

I'm so sorry to hear the torment you're suffering. I endured a marriage like this for 25 years. It got worse and worse; the only reason I didn't take decisive action was because of the children. I didn't want to break up their home by seeking a divorce. When he became violent after drinking I got an injunction and he moved out temporarily, promising that things would be better if I let him return.

So he came back and though there was no more physical violence the mental cruelty was ramped up, and this went on for years until in the end I discovered he was seeing another woman.

I deeply regret not having had the foresight and strength (and support) to take action. It's better for the children to be in a happy home with one parent than in a home where one is behaving unreasonably and the other is losing her self-esteem.

I hope my experience will give you the strength to realise that YOUR happiness is important, and that you deserve better than this.

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