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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has done a disappearing act

99 replies

21jlb · 09/03/2019 13:49

My husband has been on a training course as currently looking for a new job. It was only for 3 weeks and yesterday was the last day. He seemed to have made friends with a guy on the course and they went for a drink yesterday, which would have been from around 1pm. He kind of kept contact through the day, the last I heard was at 2.30am that he was staying at the guy’s house. His phone has been off all day and he hasn’t come home, even though the area where the guy lives isn’t too far from where we are. Find it really strange that he’d be out all day and night with someone who is a stranger.
He often does this when he goes out, but with people he knows. He hasn’t been out socialising for over a year now though.
Just pissed off that he thinks it’s ok to do a disappearing act when I get hell if I go out, which I rarely do anymore.
We’ve not been getting on well for a while now so appreciating a little space but still think it takes the piss, and also getting to a point where I’m getting a little worried too.

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 09/03/2019 15:00

Experimenting??!

ApolloandDaphne · 09/03/2019 15:01

Doesn't sound like you have much of a relationship. It seems you are happier when he is not there. Do you have DC together?

Purplecatshopaholic · 09/03/2019 15:01

I am sorry OP. That sounds shit, and clearly neither of you are happy. When he does turn up maybe time for a serious talk about your future together

WizardOfAus · 09/03/2019 15:02

More often than not, I want to be a single woman

I am enjoying the peacefulness without him here. Quite often don’t want him here.

If you have no ties to this man (other than marriage) go ahead and make yourself a single woman. Life is too short to be married to someone who makes you feel like this. Can you really imagine the next 50+ years? Please, go and be happy.

SpoonBlender · 09/03/2019 15:03

Eh. It's not cut and dried. I've stopped out with a friend when I've hung it out a bit too hard and realised at 3am that I'm still clubbing and ver' ver' drunk. Getting back to someone's place at 5am and then sitting and chatting until the sugar drink buzz wears down enough can lead to 2pm snoozing on the couch.

DP's always been arched eyebrow when I do get home, but does the same sometimes so it works out.

Whisky2014 · 09/03/2019 15:04

I'd imagine his battery died and he will be crashed out on the guys sofa. I don't think it's another woman. But it doesnt matter, he has no respect for you, needs to grow up etc

cushioncuddle · 09/03/2019 15:04

What strikes me from what you said is that he gives you hell if you go out so you rarely go out.

So he stays out all night even though it's been a while since he's been out and he dislikes you going out at all.

Keep that feeling of how nice it would be to be single.

killpop · 09/03/2019 15:06

Has he been away for the three weeks, or based at home?

bpirockin · 09/03/2019 15:07

It definitely sounds as if you hit the nail on the head and you'd both be better off apart, whether he wants to be with other women or men.

If you have a partner then you show them some consideration and respect. What's the point otherwise? A relationship takes time and effort, needs nurturing, and if that's too much to ask, then stay single and do as you please. Staying with someone without that sort of maintenance erodes self-esteem over time, so recognise your worth and walk away before things go bad. I say that on the presumption that there are no children involved, but it still applies even if there are, would just need to be done differently.

Cherrysoup · 09/03/2019 15:11

Another one picking up on the you ‘get hell’ when you go out. You have the right to go out/see friends etc.

Why are you with Mr Inconsiderate? Do you have dc? I don’t see why you’re together if you’re enjoying him not being there a lot .

Takeapolaroid · 09/03/2019 15:12

Drink and drugs binge with the new mate?

BlueJava · 09/03/2019 15:15

Perhaps because he hasn't been out in such a long time (you say a year) he just hit it a bit too hard and ended up drunker than intended. I'd cut him some slack - but why not arrange a night out for yourself next week when he's in. And just go out and enjoy yourself (I assume you can't go together due to DCs/babysitter issue).

JaneEyre07 · 09/03/2019 15:36

If my DH did this, he'd come home to find his belongings on the lawn and the locks changed.

This isn't a healthy relationship OP.

VladmirsPoutine · 09/03/2019 15:42

Might have missed it but do you have DC and how long have you been married?

Original poster
21jlb · 09/03/2019 15:45

I know I’d be happier on my own than with him, but that’s a whole other story. We’ve got 3 kids together. I have previously posted about issues that we have but I’m too mentally drained to go through that right now.
He’s 39 and acts like he’s a teenager sometimes. He has an issue with drink which always causes problems and comes before all of us.
I’d be quite happy if he just sent a message saying where he was and if he’d be back later on not. Just plain selfish.
But when does it get to a point of not hearing from him that I really start to worry?
Starting to feel stressed out.

OP posts:
Original poster
21jlb · 09/03/2019 15:47

Been married almost 4 years but together 16.
It doesn’t bother me that he’s gone out it’s just the fact that he’s off out without giving us any consideration.

OP posts:
sweetcheeksmahoaney · 09/03/2019 15:52

has he been in touch yet op? x

JaneEyre07 · 09/03/2019 15:54

Can you put a post out on FB to ask if anyone has seem him and tag him in it?

CouldntThink · 09/03/2019 15:55

Why do get ‘hell’ if you go out? Everyone’s entitled to a social life. Hmm

VladmirsPoutine · 09/03/2019 15:56

Can you put a post out on FB to ask if anyone has seem him and tag him in it?

No don't do this. This is the online equivalent of an Eastenders "Get outta my 'ouse you scum!"

VladmirsPoutine · 09/03/2019 15:59

I know I’d be happier on my own than with him, but that’s a whole other story.

In my view, rather than being a whole other story, it's all part and parcel of the same story. One which he has no regard for you and one in which you are increasingly becoming resentful of him. It's Saturday afternoon and you're stressed yet you have 4 dc. How long can you live like this?

Deletemyname30 · 09/03/2019 15:59

I don't think he's with another woman. That's too obvious and a bloke would definitely not just go quiet if they were cheating. In fact he'd probably over compensate by lying and being in lots of communication.
He's clearly on a bender with a new friend. He's selfish but does he have mental health issues?

Rayn · 09/03/2019 16:01

I think you need to contact his friend now as it is taking the piss. Good luck x

katykins85 · 09/03/2019 16:04

4pm is massively taking the piss, I'd be livid. Do you know any of his friends numbers?? Or try the hospital and police station just in case.

HollowTalk · 09/03/2019 16:05

You had a thread in January about this man, OP. You describe him as jealous and nasty then. He hadn't been working since last April - is he working now?

It's not up to us to tell you to kick him out but the fact is that if you don't then every couple of months you will be going through the same thing.

You are worth so much more than this. You are in a housing association home - make sure you don't leave that.