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Original poster

Question about emotional affair

55 replies

Blueflower22 · 07/03/2019 12:02

Emotional affair -

Why is it bad if a married man has an emotional connection to another women who is his 'friend' surely this can be the same as an emotional connection to male friends? The only difference is gender.

OP posts:
Crunchycrunchycrunchy · 07/03/2019 12:06

An emotional affair is different to friendship. Like having feelings for somebody and acting on those feelings in all ways but physical intimacy.

lifegoes · 07/03/2019 12:11

An emotional affair can be worse than a physical one in my book.

Original poster
Blueflower22 · 07/03/2019 12:14

@lifegoes I guess so, I think my dp is having one but not sure if he will admit it

OP posts:
ConfCall · 07/03/2019 12:15

Sorry to hear that OP. Why do you think so? X

lifegoes · 07/03/2019 12:17

I feel it is worse, there's a connection. They'll confide in each other, could fall in love. Will no doubt have sexual tension. Which will then turn physical.

Why do you think he is?

m0vinf0rward · 07/03/2019 12:17

If the friendship is something that your partner keeps secret or won't discuss...then it's beyond the boundaries of a normal friendship.

Original poster
Blueflower22 · 07/03/2019 12:19

@ConfCall well because he's talking to his ex partner everyday on Snapchat and sending selfies and replying to her selfies. The only reason why they broke up was because she is marrying someone else. I am unsure how to say it to him because I don't want to sound accusatory. I just think that amount of contact is unhealthy, I'm just worried he'll end up saying 'you don't trust me'. The problem is he is still really lovely to me and kind to me, I just think he's lacking an emotional connection to me as doesn't tell me his thoughts anymore. But if I mention this to him he doesn't see the difference

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueflower22 · 07/03/2019 12:19

@lifegoes just mentioned it above x

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueflower22 · 07/03/2019 12:21

@m0vinf0rward well he won't discuss it or tell me he's spoken to her. I ask him have you spoken to her today and he said yeah we chatted for a bit. The reason why I asked him was because I saw that her conversation was deleted when my partner went on his chats, but I'm unsure if I just hadn't looked properly on there.

OP posts:
RiddleMeThis2018 · 07/03/2019 12:24

When you say they broke up because she was marrying someone else, do you mean it was an affair/forbidden love situation? Because that wouldn’t bode well...

Original poster
Blueflower22 · 07/03/2019 12:27

@RiddleMeThis2018 no I mean they dated and then got into a relationship and then her family arranged her an arranged marriage (even though they have not got married yet - and are marrying next month). So then they both split up.

OP posts:
lifegoes · 07/03/2019 12:28

Are there kids involved with this ex?

I'm unsure on why so much contact?!

I have to say, I am friendly with a few of my ex's but I don't speak daily to them and I wouldn't even entertain speaking to them on an emotional level, if I was with someone. I may pass the odd comment.

They are an ex for a reason.

I wouldn't like this situation OP

m0vinf0rward · 07/03/2019 12:29

OP...you can't make someone not do something... however you do have control over what you will find acceptable and put up with. If this bothers you tell him. Either he accepts that or he doesn't. Either way you're not controlling what he does but you are controlling how you respond to his actions. If he doesn't change...leave.

Original poster
Blueflower22 · 07/03/2019 12:30

He keeps saying that they are just friends

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueflower22 · 07/03/2019 12:32

@lifegoes no there's no kids. He messages her when he is at work, I am not sure what they talk about.
Whenever I ask him about why he talks to her he says that there just friends and like to catch up. And then I go quiet because I'm not sure what to say

OP posts:
Pinkmonkeybird · 07/03/2019 12:41

Emotional affairs are a different kettle of fish to just being friends. I have male friends, some have partners who are friends of mine too, but it is just friendship with no other agenda.

Read this and it will tell you more:
www.relate.org.uk/blog/2015/7/28/whats-emotional-affair

Original poster
Blueflower22 · 07/03/2019 12:49

@Pinkmonkeybird thanks I'll have a look

OP posts:
Pinkmonkeybird · 07/03/2019 12:58

@Blueflower22

It's helpful. I also need to add I've posted enough on here about splitting from my ex who was indeed having an emotional affair.

HowMuchMoreCanITake · 07/03/2019 13:01

ITs odd that he has a relationship where they talk everyday, especially if they have no kids either. It definitely isn't right, and if its upsetting you or worrying you you should be able to express this to him and he should understand how it makes you feel!

Original poster
Blueflower22 · 07/03/2019 13:07

@Pinkmonkeybird sorry to hear that, what happened and how did you know he was?

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueflower22 · 07/03/2019 13:10

@Pinkmonkeybird @HowMuchMoreCanITake
@m0vinf0rward

I've written this to show him, do you think it's okay? Is it too confrontational?

I haven’t been feeling very happy since you started talking to your ex nearly everyday and I am unsure what to do about this so have been waiting and seeing what will happen, I feel a bit upset that you have disregarded my feelings about. I didn’t speak to you about it because I didn’t want to get in the way of your friendship with her but now I realise that because she’s your ex and you have had history it is different to just a friend who you haven’t had a past with and it’s not right that you have this amount of contact as it can lead into too much of an emotional connection for you both a lot easier.
⁃ I feel that because you were with her before in a relationship and need to talk to her regularly you will/eventually have an emotional attachment and will be reliant on her for happiness because you have gone through that stage before. That is why I don’t feel comfortable with you talking to her as often as you do.
⁃ Since she broke up with you because she was having an arranged marriage you didn’t split up how normal couples do, and under other circumstances you would be together .
⁃ If she has no feelings for you anymore than she should not have a problem coming round here and sitting with us because all the old feelings should have gone and therefore she should not find it awkward.
⁃ When you need to talk to someone everyday and send snaps whether it’s you or her it shows a level of emotional intimacy because that amount of contact for exes is way too much.
⁃ You seem to be giving her extra consideration to anyone else. For example when we went on holiday you got her a specific gift because she wanted one and no one else had anything specific that they had you asked them for .
I really hope we can come to a solution about this. And please just keep this between me and you.

OP posts:
Pinkmonkeybird · 07/03/2019 16:47

@Blueflower22

Are you giving him this in a letter or sending by email/message?
You are outlining your concerns rationally in what you have written and it isn't being ranty, so I think it looks fine. Either way you are giving him the opportunity to respond and come to a solution. His reaction to this will be interesting. If he starts being defensive etc, then that speaks volumes. Does he snapchat and message you all day as he does with her?

To answer your question above about how I knew my ex was having an emotional affair...they hadn't got to the physical at the point I found out - the potted version is OW was a work colleague, much, much younger and I found out she was whatsapping him most evenings, but he convinced me they were 'just friends' and nothing untoward. We had a whole year of me feeling something really wasn't right...I just knew from the offset. He gaslighted me telling me I was crazy/psycho to think she was drawing him to an emotional affair. He told me had asked her to stop messaging etc...there's a lot more to this because she really did manipulate the situation...which he totally got sucked into. Then I started checking his phone knowing he was deleting their conversations on whatsapp until one night he became careless. I checked when he was in the shower and there was a whole days worth of messages to each other. Full of emojis and sickly "miss your beautiful face"..and "see you on the other side". The 'other side' being that my ex was gearing up to end the relationship with me and wanted to blame my mental health (which was the year of emotional abuse caused by him!) for ending it...then they were going to keep a sensible gap of time to come out as being together. I blew all that, though, because I copied the messages and sent them to people he knew who were believing his crap about me taking his 'friendship' out of context. It totally screwed up their plans to look innocent and I walked away with my head held high...a weight off my shoulders after the year of hell. It was a massive relief to finally find out that I wasn't imagining things or going crazy...my friends and family all say how much happier I am now I've left him.

Sorry to waffle on...a lot of us on here have been affected by emotional affairs so, it's a bit of a pet subject. The ideal would be that if someone is indeed cheating...physical or emotional...then they should just be damn honest and stop disrespecting the innocent partner.

Good luck with your DP, just don't settle for any bullshit, you are worth more than that.

RiddleMeThis2018 · 07/03/2019 16:58

Since she broke up with you because she was having an arranged marriage you didn’t split up how normal couples do, and under other circumstances you would be together
This would be my major concern.

Original poster
Blueflower22 · 07/03/2019 17:04

I am planning to send him this as a text message while I am next to him but I'm not sure whether to to it right now or wait to see if the contact increases or not or wait until he visits her.

He sends me a few messages that are half hearted saying how are you, but it's not really a real conversation like I assume he has with her. If I was to talk to him and say that he messages her more than me he's say yeah that's because I live with you and see you everyday.

That's the same as me really, I kind of knew that this friend was an ex and that he had lied to me ages ago when he told me that she was just a friend. When I went on their convo I saw a few saved messages from years ago saying how much they loved eachother but she had to marry someone else. I confronted him and he told me that she is just a friend now nothing else.

I'm really sorry to hear what happened. In what way did she manipulate the situation? How long were you both together for ? Ahhh god that's what I'm fearing, I don't want the situation to turn like that.

The problem is I can't see the messages on Snapchat because they don't save so I will never know what is going on between them. I don't even know if something is definitely going on but I really don't like this closeness between them two and I'm not sure how to explain why without looking overly paranoid or jealous

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueflower22 · 07/03/2019 17:05

@RiddleMeThis2018 he says that they stopped talking to eachother after they broke up so they would forget about their emotions

OP posts:
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