Question about emotional affair

[Blueflower22]

Emotional affair -

Why is it bad if a married man has an emotional connection to another women who is his 'friend' surely this can be the same as an emotional connection to male friends? The only difference is gender.

Do you have a gut feeling that it's something more than general chat?

@glitterypink I'm really not sure and I'm torn between both ways.

I'm not sure that it's anything more than chat yet but I am worried she will manipulate him as time goes past. Or they might already be emotionally attached to eachother

I have no idea.

Like I said before I got paranoid about one of his work colleagues last year even though there was nothing going on. That's why I feel like in this situation because it's his ex there's more of a chance

@Pinkmonkeybird sorry I responded down below:

I am planning to send him a text...

Blue send it to him. It sounds like to me he is not quite over her.
I feel he has you as back up and her as the main seen as he can't have her due to arrange marriage etc

@Littleraindrop15 that's what I feel like but I'm just worried he will keep saying no that's not the case you that I just have insecurities.

I feel bad because he is being nice to me and working hard in his two jobs so we can get married in a few months

@Blueflower22
The reason I ask is I had that gut feeling, I had it for weeks and weeks, and I kept asking him about this particular woman. He kept saying they were just chatting, and were just friends.
I kept seeing him smiling at his phone and he started taking it everywhere.
I wanted to believe him, I really did, but one night I looked at his phone when he was sleeping, and sadly I found what I feared I would.
I hope this isn't the case for you, why does he feel the need to talk on Snapchat? Ask him if it's so innocent why can't he text or communicate in a way that doesn't get deleted.
I really really hope that it all works out for you and that it's innocent, it a horrible feeling when you feel so paranoid. 💐🌷

@glitterypink ahh I'm so sorry that that happened to you 😖 what did your partner say when you confronted him?
Was his behaviour different to you at any time while this was happening as well?

Yes I might say it to him. Personally I think they should just talk every few months not so often. He doesn't chat to her when he's home though, just when he's at work. I don't know if he does this because she's busy then or out of respect to me or because he just wants to talk privately at work.

I'll let you know what he says when I send him the long message sometime soon

@glitterypink should I tell him to cut all contact or is that way too much at this stage?

If he's keeping stuff from you with regards to this "friendship" then it's a threat to your marriage.

Has contact between them always been daily or is it a recent thing?

You can't be this scared in a relationship especially if you are going to be married to him. You need to be able to voice your concerns and not feel as though you need to tread on eggshells.
If he isn't connecting with you on an emotional level because he is connected elsewhere don't make the mistake of marrying him you will just end up divorcing later down the road x

I commented on your thread yesterday. You had seen their messages from 3 years ago saying they loved each other very much, but couldn’t be together due to her arranged engagement. I told you that I thought they still had emotional intimacy.

You communicated your points well in your message.

Blue, your previous threads indicate that there are other serious problems in your relationship, and that he is not as invested as you are. All combined, I would reconsider marrying him.

How long is it since they broke up, and why on earth has her marriage still not taken place if they broke up in the first place because a marriage was arranged for her, but it was long enough ago for you to meet, fall in love and get married, and she's still not?

@goldengummybear no there contact has increased and is now a daily thing

@Littleraindrop15 thanks I will be talking to him soon within a couple of days

@MsDogLady thanks for your comments yesterday. I know I still think that they have emotional intimacy and im going to talk to him soon about it but we will be around family soon so a few days after or before that

Oh, you're not married? But you say 'a married man' in your OP.

@Unguent I think it's been about three years since they have broken up. She is marrying someone who is abroad and he will be coming to the U.K. in a few months for them both to get married

@Unguent yeah I'm not married! I was just talking generally when I wrote the post. But it got more specific as the threads gone on

Well, it sounds like a lot of unfinished business if they're this much in contact three years on. How long have you been with him, and how serious are you about the relationship? I'd be inclined to cut my losses and move on, to be honest. It sounds like a lot of baggage, and the temptation to fall into a 'my poor lost love, forced to marry a stranger, when it should have been me' doomed/forbidden romance thing.

Blue, after reading one of your previous threads, I am concerned that the problem you wrote about is due to his emotional involvement with this Ex.

@MsDogLady ohh I see, I never really thought of that before..

Please please don't rush into a wedding/nikah and kids with this guy. The jury is very much out with regard to how committed he is and trustworthy. I'm sorry if I'm thinking of the wrong person but I think I read previously you were only 20 and at uni? I think as a minimum (I'm not being facetious) I don't think anyone shoud be committing to someone they have had to post about multiple times recently for relationship help. Get a period of worry free time under your belts, relationship wise.

You come across as basically quite lovely by the way, so I'm not meaning to be unkind, but you don't deserve anything that is set to fail.

@Dirtybadger @MsDogLady yeah your right. I have realised that there is no need to have children yet or even get married yet, I am thinking of delaying it a bit so he realises that I am upset by him and he needs to change.

@Blueflower22
Well he couldn't deny it anymore as I found photos and messages. He looked very sheepish and just said "I'm sorry" I made him tell me everything as much as it hurt to hear it.
We eventually worked through it - it took a long time and I made him cut contact completely, we are better than ever now, and he now leaves his phone lying around all the time, but I don't feel the need to check it.
The trust has come back...it took a while and he knows if this ever happens again then it's game over.
But I do think you need to send him the message and tell him he needs to cut contact. He needs to know how this is making you feel.
That's just my opinion based on what happened to me, you need to do what you feel is right.
I hope it works out for you 💐

Blue, I don’t think that’s what people are saying, people are saying you should end the relationship and move on. That’s certainly what I think you should do. You’re 20. Relationships aren’t supposed to be this hard, and involve you trying to win back the attention of a man with more baggage than Heathrow. Not only is there no need to marry or have children yet, there’s no need at all to do either wth this man!