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Original poster

husbands emotional affair?

61 replies

rowdeerpark · 07/03/2019 08:40

my husband has been sat on his phone most nights typing away. i asked who he was messaging a few times, he said he was just sending funny stuff to work friends.
this went on for months.
last night i got up for the loo when he was sleeping. i took his phone and looked.
hundreds of facebook messages to a woman at work.
most of it was normal conversation. he spoke about his day, the kids, his parents, rarely me but sometimes me.
there was a few flirty messages where he called her beautiful. he said she had a nice arse.
when i scrolled up there was a gap of 3 days between conversation. she said she loved him and asked him how he felt, she needed space to sort her head out, he said he has stuff going around his head but hes not sure and just wants to be friends. 3 days later normal conversation starts.

im not sure what to think. most of the conversations were insrigated by him. his search history on facebook has her name at the top. is he in love with her? why would he do this?
our marriage is a bit stale to be honest but never thought he would do this.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 07/03/2019 08:53

Well it's not looking good is it.
I couldn't cope with that.
Do you have DC together?
What is the living situation? Mortgage or rented?
You need to get screen shots of the conversations and then challenge him.

Original poster
rowdeerpark · 07/03/2019 09:01

we have three dc and yes a mortgage. debts. 20 year marriage.
she is a lot younger and more attractive than me. from what i can gather they havent met up and they havent been physical. im trying to work out if he loves her or if hes just liking the attention.
i dont want to ask him yet because i know he will just try and make out it was nothing and an ego stroke.
hes been playing a lot of soppy songs on his playlist i noticed too. things he wouldnt normally listen to.
she clearly loves him and i think she wants a physical affair and h has reigned it in a bit. he sent her funny quotes which i wouldnt find funny so they obviously like eachothers humour. rude quotes too.

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 07/03/2019 09:05

Would be the end for me op.

Musti · 07/03/2019 09:11

He's enjoying the attention and stringing her along and being unfair on you. I would confront him and give him an ultimatum.

Myheartbelongsto · 07/03/2019 10:28

Get off mums net and pack his bags.

I'd send them to his work to her.

Original poster
rowdeerpark · 07/03/2019 10:42

i dont think its hit me yet i feel numb. whats rolling around my head is does he love her does he love her

he sent her pics of the kids, our pets.
from the messages it seems like he could be in love with her but when she said she loved him, he almost dodged it and didnt say it back so it has me wondering does he not want to admit it or is he fucking her about as well as disrespecting me. its so out of charactar.

OP posts:
HK20 · 07/03/2019 10:53

The fact he lied in the first place shows he is hiding things.
The fact he didn't completely shut her down when she used the L word speaks volumes.

I'm sorry OP but I think it's time to pack his bags.

pumpastrotter · 07/03/2019 10:55

You need to nip this in the bud now, OP. It's definitely an emotional affair, she is pushing for more and he hasn't totally batted her off, he's left her dangling. He's been massively disrespectful towards you and your family.
Do you know whether she has a partner? I'd find it hard not to message her too and say what you've seen, that you know she's trying to persuade your partner into a physical affair, declared her love to a married man and they've both massively crossed a line. For a lot of people the messages alone would be a deal breaker (they would be for me) but it doesn't sound like you want to LTB....but please do not stick your head in the sand and let it escalate.

Nc1548 · 07/03/2019 11:04

I'm so sorry OP, it must be very upsetting.
It's easy for us here to say kick him out but not the same in real life when you are not absolutely sure you can't save your relationship.
It doesn't sound good and he's definitely crossed a line, but he's also stopped things from going further, so I understand you want him to say he doesn't love her. If trying to work things out is an option for you I think you are right not to say anything just yet and see where it goes. It also gives you time to get organised so you are ready either way when you confront him

Nc1548 · 07/03/2019 11:07

For me the problem with the "nip in the bud" option is that I would never be able to trust him again if he only stopped because he got caught.

Pinkmonkeybird · 07/03/2019 11:14

Umm. This is all very similar to what happened with me. OW is a much younger colleague and my OH was a man who was very private and in all the years we were together he prided himself in not mixing work with home life. Said he didn't like work friends as real friends and had none of them as FB friends. It all changed when the OW started working with him. His online activity changed...started adding work colleagues to his FB but I think this was to try and mask the fact he was interacting more with the OW. I saw her tagging him in on a lot of things etc...and then there was the whatsapping most nights. In October 17 I asked him about the nature of their friendship etc and he denied anything..she was just a friend etc and I was reading too much into it. But I'm afraid I didn't buy it. For over a year he gaslighted me and was emotionally abusive, played to The Script (which you may have read about on here). In the end I checked his phone one night (a year on from my first suspicions) and found whatsapp messages to each other 'I miss your beautiful face' blah blah blah. I don't think they had crossed the line with sex at that point, but it was enough for me. I had it out with him and left that night. Blocked him from my life ever since.

I wouldn't be over analysing whether they love each other or not. Either way there are some feelings there...and your OH may be confused, but he has been blatantly having an emotional affair. It's totally up to you OP, but my OH was acting out of character too. He was step-father to my DD, had always been 'trustworthy', solid character...etc. In all the years I had known him I would never have thought he would do this. Everyone was shocked - I had told his parents and they were devastated. I didn't care whether it was a mid-life crisis or whether he genuinely loved the OW, I was not allowing this disrespect towards me carry on.

So you could have it out with him and then it will go either way: trying to cover it up by saying you are reading too much into it/crazy etc (gaslighting) or he is honest and tells you everything. If you do choose to stay with him, I'd be asking for complete transparency, for him to stop all forms of communication with the OW, to move jobs if it was necessary and to go to relationship counselling. It does work for some people, but I'm sorry to say that for many, the trust has been obliterated and very hard to get back.

Original poster
rowdeerpark · 07/03/2019 11:16

she has a partner and kids yes.
he totally left the door open. she said this

im in love with you but you know that and i. finding it hard just being mates. i need time to sort my head out. i know we dont have a future together but being mates is too hard

he replied

i totally understand.your such a great person. sort your head out and i hope we can be friends. im always here if you need me.

OP posts:
SuziQ10 · 07/03/2019 11:20

She says she loves him ?? And you don't think they've been physical. Do you think you might be a bit naive?

Does it even matter. He's been very interested in another woman, hidden these messages from you and is perfectly happy messaging this woman while you're sat just across from you. He doesn't care.

MsDogLady · 07/03/2019 11:24

He has been emotionally cheating with this OW for months. Acting like a single man and making a mockery of you.

I would confront and send him away while I processed this. He needs to feel some severe consequences.

Original poster
rowdeerpark · 07/03/2019 11:26

maybe i am. from all the messages theres nothing to suggest they have been physical. hes home every night, home on time. he doesnt have a social life.

OP posts:
SuziQ10 · 07/03/2019 11:39

It's hard to understand how the situation even moved from colleagues to flirty to more .. love is a strong thing to say just off the back of messages. Confused

How are you feeling?

RatherBeRiding · 07/03/2019 11:47

You need to have it out with him. His reaction will hopefully be a guide as to where you go next. But be prepared for the whole "you shouldn't have taken my phone" nonsense - remember that you only looked at his phone because he's been giving you plenty of cause to be suspicious.

I know you're reeling from this and must feel as though your world is imploding, but you really must have it out with him. Time for cards on the table and real honesty from him.

Sorry you're having to deal with this. Flowers

m0vinf0rward · 07/03/2019 11:52

My ExW did this with one of her ex boyfriends. I lost all respect for her and my marriage ended soon after. Whilst I would never tell a partner who they can talk to, I do get to decide what I find acceptable in a relationship...and messaging other men and especially past sexual partners is Not something I'm prepared to stand for.

MsDogLady · 07/03/2019 11:54

Many affairs are conducted during the day. Lunchtime, leaving early, etc.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 07/03/2019 12:04

Sounds like he’s enjoying the attention and stringing her along. Sounds like she’s more emotionally invested than he is.

So he’s stringing her along and being completely disrespectful to you and your marriage.

I’d be having extremely strong words with him and I might go as so far as kicking him out for a bit. He’s been lying to you by omission! It’s really not on...

My dh has an emotional affair (although this doesn’t sound like its an emotional affair), and the damage it did was irreparable and we split 3 yrs later

Original poster
rowdeerpark · 07/03/2019 12:31

a lot of messaging at work, sounds like they dont actually work together just in same building which is huge.
most messaging at night. some during the day asking how day went etc.
in the messages if it got flirty he would say sorry i will stop.
im trying to think. its obviously not about sex. whats it about? why would he need to message her everyday on this level. he puts a stop to anything too dodgey but will happily sit and talk to this woman about anything and everything. like its some kind of hobby. i dont understand any of this.

OP posts:
user1479305498 · 07/03/2019 12:46

IMHO Op, he’s a bit bored (not necessarily you but generally) and this kind of stuff adds a buzz to his day and an ego boost. Been there before you, my H told me it was flattering and a distraction, I found out many years later because the stupid bugger wrote it all down and I found it . It’s incredibly upsetting, if I had found out at the time and not years later I would certainly have kicked him out because it’s totally disrespectful and unkind . They really do play Russian roulette just for a buzz .

Pinkmonkeybird · 07/03/2019 12:47

hes home every night, home on time. he doesnt have a social life.

That was my OH too.

Ferfeckssake · 07/03/2019 12:48

It is about his ego. My DH did the same. The OW is trying to develop an intimate relationship with - being a confidante, etc. in the hope he will " fall in love" with her.
I got really pissed off that my DH brought another person into MY daily life.Talking about MY DCs and even sending pics of MY bloody dog.!
ALL contact MUST stop if he wants you to take him seriously.There is no legitimate reason for him to be involved .Married men have no business being "friends" with a woman that expresses feelings for him.
Be interesting to see what his response would be if you insisted on this.

Original poster
rowdeerpark · 07/03/2019 12:57

ok. yes i think your all right. its boredom. an ego thing. i dont think hes interested in developing a physical relationship in reality, even though he probably fantasises about it. it doesnt sound like he loves her.

i think hes trying to keep this girl interested even though he knows how she feels. he is being cruel to me and cruel to her.

the flirty messages were along the lines off yoir bloody gorgeous, you have a great ass, you are always horny, even discussing porn and what he likes to watch. he would ask about her partner and say things like if i was him i would be doing this and that with you, hes a lucky man.
none of the conversationns were mushy i love you stuff. none of them were about meeting for any reason. most were hum drum whats on tv, kids are at dancing, work gossip, whats for dinner.

OP posts:
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