husbands emotional affair?

[rowdeerpark]

my husband has been sat on his phone most nights typing away. i asked who he was messaging a few times, he said he was just sending funny stuff to work friends.
this went on for months.
last night i got up for the loo when he was sleeping. i took his phone and looked.
hundreds of facebook messages to a woman at work.
most of it was normal conversation. he spoke about his day, the kids, his parents, rarely me but sometimes me.
there was a few flirty messages where he called her beautiful. he said she had a nice arse.
when i scrolled up there was a gap of 3 days between conversation. she said she loved him and asked him how he felt, she needed space to sort her head out, he said he has stuff going around his head but hes not sure and just wants to be friends. 3 days later normal conversation starts.

im not sure what to think. most of the conversations were insrigated by him. his search history on facebook has her name at the top. is he in love with her? why would he do this?
our marriage is a bit stale to be honest but never thought he would do this.

sex life hasnt been great. once every few months. even then its just missionary standard stuff. i dont want it im not interested in it.
our marriage has been rocky for 2 years. arguments about the kids, about housework, about his moods, my moods.

You are not interested in sex but your husband obviously is. This is a huge problem. I couldn’t be in a sexless marriage and whilst I don’t condone cheating, I’m not sure I could stay faithful to someone who wasn’t interested in having sex with me.

You need to confront your husband and talk. You need to work on your marriage, including sex. Stop this text flirting now and either call it a day, or get your marriage back on track.

It sounds to me like he is enjoying the attention of this woman but at the same time he is scared that he will lose everything if he crosses the line.
He’s clearly welcoming/ inviting her advancements which is very wrong of him. I would confront this now before it goes any further. If he’s been too frightened to move this to a PA this will absolutely shock him into reality! Make sure you collate all the evidence you can do that he can’t deny it or hide it!

Why are you still there ?

Ok. With your latest post, I can see why a young attractive woman showing interest is very appealing to him. Wanting to be desirable is natural.

A 2 year rocky marriage and a poor sex life are serious issues.

If he doesn't have a physical affair with her, it may be with someone else in the future. Someone without a partner and kids....then he might just decide to pursue happiness and leave.

Don't be blindsided. Don't ignore the issues with your marriage, unless you don't care anymore.

This does sound like a case if you have no sexual interest in him and you don't want anyone else to.

Whether he's been physical or not, he has still betrayed you, disrespected you and broken your trust. He will definitely try to minimise it but whether or not they've had sex, he is still in some form of relationship with this woman.

OP, if your situation is as you present it, how much time has he invested in his relationship with this woman? Hours and hours? Days? Weeks? Months?

Think about that.

why are you letting this go on? Fact is, it is happening...they are discussing masturbating and thinking of each other. I'd be packing his stuff and confronting him!!

How’s things been did you discuss it with him?

I’ve been through this, although my dh was the one declaring his feelings to her. He lied and gaslighted me for a very long time. 3 years after it all started we’re finally ok again. It’s been long and hard and leaving would have been much easier.

Hope you're okay OP. They're both behaving terribly.