Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husbands emotional affair?

61 replies

rowdeerpark · 07/03/2019 08:40

my husband has been sat on his phone most nights typing away. i asked who he was messaging a few times, he said he was just sending funny stuff to work friends.
this went on for months.
last night i got up for the loo when he was sleeping. i took his phone and looked.
hundreds of facebook messages to a woman at work.
most of it was normal conversation. he spoke about his day, the kids, his parents, rarely me but sometimes me.
there was a few flirty messages where he called her beautiful. he said she had a nice arse.
when i scrolled up there was a gap of 3 days between conversation. she said she loved him and asked him how he felt, she needed space to sort her head out, he said he has stuff going around his head but hes not sure and just wants to be friends. 3 days later normal conversation starts.

im not sure what to think. most of the conversations were insrigated by him. his search history on facebook has her name at the top. is he in love with her? why would he do this?
our marriage is a bit stale to be honest but never thought he would do this.

OP posts:
Ferfeckssake · 07/03/2019 13:09

Wow.Talking about sex, porn,etc. has MASSIVELY crossed a line. Ask yourself why he and obviously you, think this is OK? It really isn't.
Please don't let him disrespect you and your marriage this way.Flowers

Nc1548 · 07/03/2019 13:17

Your latest post makes it a lot worse IMO. It sounds like he doesn't want romantic involvement but would welcome the sex. That sort of message is way out of line.

PearlandRubies194 · 07/03/2019 13:23

@Nc1548 I agree; he’s okay with sending sexual messages but tells her to ‘sort her head out’ when she becomes too emotional. He’s just after a fling and he’s made a mockery of both women.

downcasteyes · 07/03/2019 13:27

This is totally ego driven. He's flattered by the attention and excited by the flirting. But he has clearly also told her it goes no further and that they have to stay friends. My guess is that he knows he can keep her on the end of a leash, making puppy eyes at him over the work pot plants.

Men really are pathetically predictable sometimes.

I think he's committee to you and the kids, but just because it's not a full blown affair doesn't mean it's not damaging and hurtful. I think you need counselling and for him to find a new job.

MsDogLady · 07/03/2019 13:44

You are underreacting. He is telling OW the sexual acts that he wants to do to and with her.

Row, he is having an emotional affair with talk of sexual fantasies with a woman who is expressing love. They are having cyber-dates right in front of you. He doesn’t have to express love for this to be an EA. There are hundreds of messages and he has lied to you. She is his secret.

You need to blow this out of the water. If he tries to minimize or shift blame to you by accusing you of being silly, crazy, unreasonable, etc., don’t fall for it.

How would he feel if you messaged a man who loved you hundreds of times, even at home, and told him what kind of sex you wanted with him.

Original poster
rowdeerpark · 07/03/2019 13:48

its not ok. its not. im just trying to understand it. im going to do more digging tonight, there is lots of messages ive not read yet.
i know him. if it was about sex i think he would have just done it by now. from the messages i know they havent had sex.

shes one big fantasy but i dont think he wants to be physical as he would see the marriage is over.

OP posts:
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 07/03/2019 13:58

ok. yes i think your all right. its boredom. an ego thing. i dont think hes interested in developing a physical relationship in reality, even though he probably fantasises about it. it doesnt sound like he loves her.

I've RTFT and totally agree, it's an ego boost because he's married with three children and wants a bit of excitement. Well tough, life is boring at times and your family's far more important.

MsDogLady has it spot on, blow this out of the water right now and make it clear that any more of this behaviour (with her or anyone else) and he's out the door. My DH also started a "close friendship" with a colleague when we had a baby and life was a bit humdrum. She was def. pursuing him more than vice versa, I confronted him about it and told him it wasn't on...plus I showed up unexpectedly to collect him from work a couple of times looking hot Grin and she got the message. She knew I was onto her and backed off.

Facing it square on is the only way, OP. Good luck. Flowers

MsDogLady · 07/03/2019 14:11

He feels entitled to chase an illicit ego-boost. “She’s one big fantasy.” In my life, this is infidelity and a dealbreaker.

SuziQ10 · 07/03/2019 14:26
  • gorgeous, you have a great ass, you are always horny, even discussing porn and what he likes to watch. he would ask about her partner and say things like if i was him i would be doing this and that with you, hes a lucky man.-

It's about sex and it probably would have happened if it hasn't already. What would his reaction be if the tables were turned and it was you having this sort of dialogue with another man? Would he be prepared to forgive this? Don't under-react or he will feel he has free rain to do this sort of thing again. That's if you even want him in your bed and your space after he's been so deceitful, I wouldn't.

TryingToCope101 · 07/03/2019 14:40

*hes home every night, home on time. he doesnt have a social life.

That was my OH too.*

Mine too - he managed to stop off at hers on the way home, leaving early without me knowing, hooked up at work events, told me he was away with work when he wasn't etc. Even popped round to hers for a quick blow job when he was "out for a run". I had NOT A CLUE!

Original poster
rowdeerpark · 07/03/2019 14:59

because she has said she loves him and suppposedly sorting her heasld out i want to see what he does next over the next few days, if he chases her.
i think when i confront him about it he will need to go stay elsewhere. i cant have him near me.

OP posts:
TryingToCope101 · 07/03/2019 15:13

rowdeerpark - if you want someone to chat to over the coming days, drop me a PM.

I won't just tell you to leave him as I know it isn't that simple. But I will listen and offer advice if you want it. My husband told me about a (physical) affair a week before Christmas. It's shit and I can empathise. x

Original poster
rowdeerpark · 07/03/2019 15:24

thank you. im so sorry to hear about your h having an affair. i think for me the physical thing would break me.

OP posts:
pudding21 · 07/03/2019 15:28

I'd be inclinded to think the 3 day lag in messages was after something physical happened. Maybe they spoke on the phone after that and didn't message.

Thats what I'd be thinking.

TryingToCope101 · 07/03/2019 15:33

@rowdeerpark - actually it was the emotional side that I find much more difficult to forgive. A few shags I can weirdly put down to stupidity. The emotional and psychological betrayal for me is much, much worse!

Blueflower22 · 07/03/2019 16:20

@rowdeerpark hey, I'm having the same issue as you but the only difference is I can't see the conversation that is happening between my DP and his 'friend' I just know that they talk everyday And send eachother selfies. It's difficult because he's a good partner to me.

I know it must feel horrible for you, I'm so sorry this has happened and I understand that you don't know whether to talk to him about it because he might lie

Original poster
rowdeerpark · 07/03/2019 17:06

yes the emotional stuff must sting. i dont think hes been very emotional with her more overly friendly and flirty. i dont know if he secretly loves her and wont admit it or if hes using her.
obviously if i ask him he will minimise the whole situation so i want to avoid that at least for now.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 07/03/2019 17:52

"you are always horny"

Sorry but they've already done something.

Fannybaws52 · 07/03/2019 18:01

Cheating is cheating.

He broke your trust, disrespected your home and has used her for sexual gratification.

You'll never look at him the same way again. Your marriage is cracking into pieces. I'm really sorry he is so weak and pathetic and I hope you can find the strength to end it because most men don't behave like this and you do deserve to be loved and have a faithful partner.

MsDogLady · 07/03/2019 18:13

One definition of an emotional affair is: Secretly channeling emotional energy, time and attention into another person who is not one’s partner.

That is what he is doing here. ‘Emotional energy’ does not have to be love talk. It is personal talk and even mundane talk that is too frequent, and is often at questionable hours. Time and focus are taken from a partner and transferred to another. There is sexual attraction here, and he is gratified and fulfilled for there to be hundreds of messages.

Original poster
rowdeerpark · 07/03/2019 18:22

update. he went for a shower and left his phone on charge. i snooped again. no messages today or since shes had to sort her head out"
i still havent read them all. they havent slept together
there is a message that says he made her feel embarrassded and rejected. i cant remember word for word but he turned her down about meeting. he said he feels bad enough without doing anything bad he says.
however there are messages about them masturbating and thinking of one another. asking eachother how many times they have got off that day. i felt sick.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 07/03/2019 18:38

Row, I am very sorry. He is cheating with her. He is sexting, having a sexual experience when messaging by discussing their mutual masturbation.

downcasteyes · 07/03/2019 18:45

I think there are many, many kinds of betrayal that can happen in a relationship besides a sexual affair. It might not be helpful to think of this in terms of 'cheating' or 'not cheating' - but that doesn't mean minmising it or acting like it isn't deeply serious and very hurtful. Every relationship has slightly different rules, too.

I would say that he has carefully calculated this to have the excitement of the illicit, without the guilt. He can probably still rationalise to himself that he is a 'good person' because he didn't take this woman up on her offer to sleep with him. He may even think he deserves some kind of medal for that commitment. But underneath that ego-preserving tactic, he's being a total arsehole.

2019willbegreat · 07/03/2019 18:50

@rowdeerpark...that sounds hideous. you might as well have just seen a video of them shagging. just awful

SandyY2K · 07/03/2019 19:23

I really don't like pp saying he's stringing her (OW) along, as if she's an innocent naive victim.

She's not. She had a partner and she knows he's married.

He's crossed a line and doesn't seem to actually want a physical thing, but he's getting his ego massaged by a young pretty woman.

She's declared her love for him, but it doesn't sound like he feels the same. That's not much the issue, as the masterbation and talk of sex acts.

If you can take pics of the messages with your phone, you'll have the evidence should he try and deny it.

How is the rest of your marriage? Is he usually a good husband/father?

Swipe left for the next trending thread