Husband had affair - DS starting at same school as OW's DS in Sep

[TryingToCope101]

So the subject says it all really - I am just looking for some advice on how to deal with this, especially from anyone who has been through the same. The thought of it is causing me a lot of anxiety...

The background - a week before Christmas my DH told me he had been having an affair with someone from work for about 2 months. After a horrendous Christmas, he is since begging for me to try and make it work and telling me that it was a massive mistake (and all the other cliches, blah blah). We are both having individual counselling (not ready for couples yet as I'm not sure I even want him back). But for now we are taking one day at a time and I am trying to deal with the hurt he has caused to see if I can ever forgive him. However there is an issue beyond this that is causing me much anxiety.

We have a 4yo DS due to start at the same primary school as OW's DS in September (her and her husband live a couple of roads away). I have seen her when out and about already and feel physically sick with anxiety afterwards. Don't get me wrong, it's not because I blame her more than him - I just feel like it is being rubbed in my face. It is also not helped that she is now playing the victim and telling anyone who will listen (including her DH) that it was all my DH's fault, he led her on, she was innocent etc.

My main concern going forwards, whether I feel I can try to make it work with DH or not, is that I dread our kids becoming friends, wanting to play at each other's houses, seeing her at kids parties etc. Obviously I wouldn't say anything to her in front of her kids (I feel I have said all I need to already) but the worry of this is stopping me sleeping and causing me real stress.

It's an intake of 3 forms as it has a year group of 90, so I am lucky that it is big - I know that teachers do ask for names of any other kids they are particularly close to in order to try and put them together. Are they also likely to take notice of a request NOT to put kids together?

Also what is the best way to behave if and when I do bump into her?! I would like to think I will be confident and controlled, but I feel in reality I'm more likely to be mess (and most likely looking at my worst!) Please help if you can and give me some constructive advice :)

You can ask the school to have them separated - I would. You might need to tell them why or come up with another good enough reason. Ask them now though - once they announce class lists you won't be able to change things.
I'm sorry you are going through this - how shit for you.

It will get easier as time goes on I promise. You'll learn to just blank her. Tell the school you don't want them in the same class. Most young children only really make close friends with those in their class.

I would suggest only speaking to the headmaster or headmistress and asking them to keep it confidential. Incase you stay with your hubby you don't want the teachers gossiping. This is just one of the many reasons why cheating is shit - you have done nothing wrong and yet you are the one running around trying to sort out things so they are OK for your kids and you. Good luck.

Yes ittakes2 - you are so right. I'm struggling with the fact that I have been the one to sort all of this out while he (nor she) didn't give the consequences a second thought. I've already told him he will need to tell them as I don't want to be put in that situation - and if he has to tell them why, at the moment I don't really care. I haven't done anything wrong and if people want to gossip about him and her then they can go ahead!

Thanks for the advice from everyone - I will definitely get him to drop the Headteacher a line as soon as school places are confirmed in April. I know she apparently is doing the same (so her DH tells me) so hopefully if they have it from both sides they will take it seriously.

My ex-H had an affair with a friend who had a child at the same school as my DS. I left him but for the remainder of his schooling I had to see her regularly. It was shit.

My advice would be to ensure they’re in different classes at the very least. Don’t underestimate the impact emotionally of seeing her regularly.

You may see her at on the school run, assemblies, parents evening, open nights, parties, social nights etc. I did struggle, and I kept to myself mainly apart from general small talk.

I’d consider talking to your council and seeing if there are any other school places available if possible as your child hasn’t started school. My DS found out about the affair in the end and I believe her child knows too. It’s a shame it’s impacted all our lives for a long period of time, all because people can’t be faithful and they don’t consider the repercussions of their actions.

PM me if you want to chat or know more about our experiences.

You must make a private appointment with the head and be honest about why you want them separated. They will understand and deal with it in a sensitive way. It will be bad enough standing outside in her company without them being friends and my advice would be get on with been friendly with anybody around you but treat her as invisible and get on with been normal as possible. She may be a irritant in the future so prepare for that possibility of that event.

This is a very difficult situation to be in, I'm sorry. I would agree with PPs that you should let the headteacher know and ask that they're in separate classes, then the likelihood of them becoming good friends is very small.

It will be awkward in the playground, but that will become less of an issue as time goes on. It's easy to avoid people you don't want to talk to.

This happened in my DS's class. I'm sure it was awkward, but both the wronged wife and the affair partner behaved with the utmost dignity, and if you hadn't known about it (which everyone did - small village school) you would never have guessed. After a year the married couple (who are still together) moved away - not sure if it was related. The OW (who was a single mum at the time) is now married to a different man.

Thanks jellybellydancer. Your message made me very emotional because it is just what I am dreading - I'm sorry to hear you have been through it too. I'd usually consider myself to be a fairly strong and confident person and I have been driven to a wreck by all of this. I was one of those women who didn't have a clue there was anything going on (idiot) until he dropped the bombshell so it's been a lot to come to terms with.

We haven't found out about school places yet but will do next month. I have thought about looking into alternative schools but this is by far the best one we are likely to get into (the other one in our catchment area is utter rubbish) and he has several friends from nursery going there, so I feel that for DS it would be best for him to go there. I would dread him finding out about the affair though, the thought of that really makes me feel upset as he is such a sweet and sensitive boy.

On (possibly) the plus side I have been in sporadic contact with her DH - since I found out about the affair as we tried to piece it all together. He and I have vaguely mentioned meeting up in the park with the kids at some point, so I am holding onto the hope that that could be my route to sanity going forwards. We haven't been in touch for a while but I figured I might suggest a meet up once school places are announced so that we can try and at least be amicable if WE see each other - for the sake of our kids.

Personally I would look into another school too, who needs that everyday.

You are worried that the children may become friends at school, yet you are considering meeting up with the children at the park with 'the kids'?
I am confused. I would have thought your best course of action would be to absolutely minimise contact with any of them. A few months ago the dh was not on your radar. You haven't met through the badminton club or something - the only thing you have in common is that your respective spouses had an affair.

I don't think any good can come from having contact with him.

TarragonSauce- I’m just trying to work out what is best for my DS. Trying to put him first unlike my DH and the OW ever did. I was thinking it was possibly good to not have to blank both of them but you may be right. I just don’t sit well with harbouring anger. It was actually him that suggested it as I think he feels as uncomfortable and desperate as I do.

I have to deal with seeing the OW once a week and it kills me every time. Sorry you are dealing with this.

It's been 14months since I found out and 9years since the actual affair

My DH has been doing everything he needs to do to help me heal and we have no contact but she is still around and it keeps it all fresh, opens up the wounds.

I would seriously consider a different school.
She is bad mouthing you already - school gate politics will only exacerbate this. A new school can lead to new friends for you but there will always be this shadow for you there with her in the background.

You should speak to the admissions people at the council. There maybe room for movement after the places are announced. Go look at the other schools again with the fresh view that you need to feel safe.

The other betrayed spouse is not your friend, they are in pain as much as you are and yes they understand but do not think they will be on your side.

It is a shit situation but it isn't your fault it is his and hers.

He needs to be doing the running to help you avoid more pain.

You are worried that the children may become friends at school, yet you are considering meeting up with the children at the park with 'the kids'?
I am confused. I would have thought your best course of action would be to absolutely minimise contact with any of them. A few months ago the dh was not on your radar. You haven't met through the badminton club or something - the only thing you have in common is that your respective spouses had an affair.
I don't think any good can come from having contact with him.

Have to say I agree with this. Could lead to all sorts of ongoing drama.

Can I ask why your DH told you given you had no idea?

TBH if you don’t want the children mixing at school then meeting up in the park with OW’s DH is a really, really bad idea. If nothing else, it’s highly likely that the affair will at some point become public knowledge, however if the children are then in different classes because of it and you’re seen out and about with DC and OW’s DH people may well jump to the conclusion that it was/is you and the OW’s DH having the affair and you want to keep the kids separate so it doesn’t come out iyswim.

Ok message received loud and clear on the meeting the DH! I hadnt thought of those points (my head is more than a bit clouded as I hope you all understand), which is why I was looking for advice on here. I’ll keep away from him too. You’re all totally right.

NoCauseRebel he told me because he couldn’t live with the guilt and wanted to ultimately try to make things work with me.

I bet she is secretly just as worried about bumping into you to be honest. All this business about it not being her fault is a self defense mechanism as she knows she's done wrong.

I would seriously consider another school to be honest. It would be way too awkward for me.

Yes Crazyladee you’re probably right (I would like to think she is anyway!)

Believe me I have seriously considered a different school. Considered moving away too. But I think the only option would be a failing and undersubscribed school and I’m not prepared to sacrifice DS’s education for it.

I’d get your OH to go and speak to head/admissions contact and request separate classes if you’re adamant another school won’t work for you. It’s his mess he can start to clear it up. Beware they could still make friends regardless and you’ll see her regularly as well.

I know you've acknowledged that it was a daft idea to meet up with OW's husband 'for the kids' OP so I won't harp on but best to tell him outright that the clouds in your head have lifted and it's best that there's no more contact between you and he/his wife.

Hopefully they will keep their children away from you, you/your husband will do likewise - and the school will make it possible for you all to avoid each other as far as possible.

You needn't bother with smalltalk though, what's the point? You're not acquaintances, you have an unwanted history because of your husband. Ignore her - and it doesn't matter what you look like either.

I can actually see why you’d want to talk to her H. You both are in the same situation after being cheated on, and you may be feeling very alone right now and are unsure who to trust.

He will be feeling the same too so it makes sense why you’d look for someone who understands how you feel and want to talk to them. But I agree with everyone else to stay away, his loyalties will ultimately be to her, and he may feed back what you say.

The only conversation I’d consider having would be around any way you can influence him to look into a different school for their child instead if you both end up being allocated the same school.

I’d also think about if you have any other leverage or influence with the OW to get her to consider changing schools.

Friendships at nursery age are so fluid anyway I wouldn’t worry too much about your child’s friendships from nursery being a priority if you decide to consider another school instead.

The impact of the affair doesn’t really go away, so have a good think about how you’ll feel and whether you’ll cope seeing her on a regular basis, especially if you’re dealing with a reconciliation at home too.

For me it happened when my DS was around 5, he’s just started secondary last Sept and I feel like I can actually move on from another chapter now. This would have happened a lot sooner if it wasn’t for having to see her regularly.

Cheeky cow should be sending her kid elsewhere really shouldn't she?

If your children really must attend the same school, get them into different classes, avoid her, be aloof and dignified.

it is in her best interests to keep quiet about it too. I am sure she doesn't want her child finding out, or other parents gossiping about her either.

When I was first in contact with her H, he said they were looking at different schools because she was moving out in the New Year (apparently they were splitting up anyway but this was a catalyst). But then he told me they hadn’t managed to change schools after all -they actually moved last year to be in this catchment area so was always unlikely they would up and change.

I’ll see what I can options I have once school places are announced.

And yes I would hope she would want as few people knowing as possible too- why would you ever want to broadcast that?! And while I’m not naive enough to blame it all on the temptress OW, I know women are so often more harshly judged than men where affairs are concerned so all the more reason for her to keep her mouth shut!

Jellybellydancer, you totally got my thinking behind it but now I see that you are all right. To be fair to me it was him that suggested it and I thought it was a mature thing to do but now realise that it would likely end badly as what would we have to talk about other than our OH’s f*cking each other and treating us like fools?!

The good thing is there are 3 classes and they don't really tend to mix them in most schools.

But you might still see her at drop off, pick up, Christmas plays, sports days, parents evening, fairs, etc. The list is endless! Plus swimming lessons, after school clubs and all the other stuff they do.

I think you need to get used to the idea of seeing her around. If you can't, you may have to move. Which is unfair and crap. I'm so sorry op.