Husband had affair - DS starting at same school as OW's DS in Sep

[TryingToCope101]

So the subject says it all really - I am just looking for some advice on how to deal with this, especially from anyone who has been through the same. The thought of it is causing me a lot of anxiety...

The background - a week before Christmas my DH told me he had been having an affair with someone from work for about 2 months. After a horrendous Christmas, he is since begging for me to try and make it work and telling me that it was a massive mistake (and all the other cliches, blah blah). We are both having individual counselling (not ready for couples yet as I'm not sure I even want him back). But for now we are taking one day at a time and I am trying to deal with the hurt he has caused to see if I can ever forgive him. However there is an issue beyond this that is causing me much anxiety.

We have a 4yo DS due to start at the same primary school as OW's DS in September (her and her husband live a couple of roads away). I have seen her when out and about already and feel physically sick with anxiety afterwards. Don't get me wrong, it's not because I blame her more than him - I just feel like it is being rubbed in my face. It is also not helped that she is now playing the victim and telling anyone who will listen (including her DH) that it was all my DH's fault, he led her on, she was innocent etc.

My main concern going forwards, whether I feel I can try to make it work with DH or not, is that I dread our kids becoming friends, wanting to play at each other's houses, seeing her at kids parties etc. Obviously I wouldn't say anything to her in front of her kids (I feel I have said all I need to already) but the worry of this is stopping me sleeping and causing me real stress.

It's an intake of 3 forms as it has a year group of 90, so I am lucky that it is big - I know that teachers do ask for names of any other kids they are particularly close to in order to try and put them together. Are they also likely to take notice of a request NOT to put kids together?

Also what is the best way to behave if and when I do bump into her?! I would like to think I will be confident and controlled, but I feel in reality I'm more likely to be mess (and most likely looking at my worst!) Please help if you can and give me some constructive advice :)

Change schools and husbands.

I actually saw her twice today - walking back from nursery and then I popped across the road to Tesco and saw she was going in. I could have turned around and gone 10 minutes later, but I didn't see why I should. So I went in. We are going to bump into each other all the time whichever school DC goes to as she lives 3 roads away, so I figured I need to just get on with it and face it with dignity (I'm not the one who should be ashamed after all). I actually felt stronger than I thought I would and very much in control. She didn't know I had seen her, but she definitely saw me as I spotted her hiding behind the national lottery display!

I very much believe that "living well is the best revenge" - whatever happens with my relationship.

And to whoever suggested the book, I will look into it - I've also ordered "Not Just Friends" on the back of some threads on here, which I hope will help us move forwards one way or another.

My children went to a 3 form school - that’s 90 kids...90 parents at pick up. Choose the school you think is best for your son. You will run in to her sometimes, but with 90 parents doing pick ups plus the 90 parents from the other classes... it’s not necessarily a given as long as you can get them into different classes. Plus, if the affair was to ever become more public knowledge - the shame is her‘s (and your husbands) - other mums are going to understand your point of view because they would understand how you are feeling. Stand tall and stand proud - you have done nothing wrong - you live your life as you intended/want to - your confidence will make her feel insignificant.

Thanks ittakes2 - that's what I am trying to project on the outside. I am the strong one. I am the innocent one. Why should I hide? Why should I be the one to change schools/move and lose my friends, my support? It's the reason I went into the shop this morning - I didn't even want to speak to her, I just wanted her to see me and feel sick. I also wanted to see how she would react and was glad to see she didn't confront me and instead hid - finally showing me some shame after all the horrible messages she has sent to me.

I spent at least the first month after he told me hiding in the house as I didn't want to bump into her. Now I feel I am getting the confidence in myself (thanks to counselling and great friends) to hold my head high and ignore her.

I should also add that 3 days my DC will be in an offsite after-school club that is fully booked so those days for pick up are safe - she works full time (8-4) so I'm guessing it'll be her husband more often than not at the school gates.

Well done OP. You will only get stronger from here on.

Thank you AmIOTTconcerned - it felt like a big deal but I was glad I did it. Here's to female strength on International Women's Day!

Hear hear!

Op that was a good update. You're in such a shitty position yet you have done nothing wrong. I really hope things get better for you and a bird shits on her head the next time you see her.

Ten years ago my DP had a ons. About two days later I decided to go and get a full STI check done as a way of regaining control. (I hadn't shagged him in the meantime so I know it doesn't make a lot of sense, but it was what I needed to do at the time.) She turned up whilst I was in the waiting room, and luckily didn't have the guts to come in, I think she hid in the toilet until her appointment.

I used to see her fairly frequently, and took great pleasure in calling her a bitch, under my breath, when she went past me. I called DP a fair few names as well, don't worry, but I knew her, and know fine well she turned up on the offchance of sex. He could have said no and didn't, but if she hadn't showed up at the flat nothing would ever have happened.

Calling her a bitch multiple times caused me great satisfaction. No idea if she ever heard me, but I'd like to think she did.

Well done you,. Op! You have done nothing wrong. The shame and embarrassment and fear of being called out for what happened is not yours.

I'm glad the ow hid from you, it shows the level she's on, that she does acknowledge what she did in your presence and that I'd hope it's a sign of things to come at school and that she'd be a mess each time she saw you. It's what she deserves.

You are brilliant! Well done you!

well done OP. And just imagine, she's somewhere in a paralell message board world asking how on earth she can face seeing you and your son having behaved so disgracefully and being utterly ashamed of herself. She is the one who should be worried about seeing you.

Op, it's fine for one of you to speak to thr head and keep thr kids apart. Don't then confuse it by bringing them together in the park. As they may then gravitate to each other in thr playground, it's a mixed message. It's fine to meet the husband, but don't involve your children, or his.

Bloody hell, you poor thing. You sound like an amazing woman, and I would do exactly as you are already doing- walk on with your head held high. I do think that the OW probably has a point in that your DH may well have led her on too- not excusing what she has done to her husband, but it's your DH that has caused all this pain to you and your child. (I say this as someone who has very recently been cheated on. My DP lied to me, and so I can easily believe he lied to OW too. He is with her now, and I can honestly say I pity her- she has to carry the anxiety of being with him with her always.)

@TheShiteRunner - Don't worry, I don't doubt that he said things he didn't mean to her and I know he lied to her; I've seen now how easily and well he could lie to me after all!! But what I do object to her is playing the victim and trying to absolve herself of any responsibility. I am not naive enough to put all the blame on the OW as some might - they both knew what they were doing and what the consequences might be. They were both equally responsible for the affair, both had other halves they were betraying and DCs they were not thinking about. Obviously also she didn't owe me anything - it was my H who made the vows to me and so don't worry, I feel betrayed by him not her. I am well aware that it's my H who is to blame for the pain he has caused me and I remind him of that every day!

Thanks, I've often been told I am strong and have been through some fairly tough times where I have managed to hold things together when others might have crumbled. Or maybe I'm just good at putting on a facade despite what I feel inside (which is also a useful skill, especially now!)

Sorry to hear you have been through all of this too - I hope you are doing ok x

Is this your first child to start school?
I find that in the mornings parents pretty much drop and head on to work, so even if you are both in the playground you can avoid her no problem.
In the afternoons there will be 90+ parents picking up kids so again you can lose her in the crowd.
If anyone asks you can just factually say "yes she had an affair with my husband, I don't want to talk about it or her" and the gossip will move on to someone else, it really will. Probably onto her since she's the one out of the two of you who did the wrong thing.

I guess it could be awkward if you both join the parent council, pta, whatever it's called in your school. If you're interested in those then I would sign up straight away maybe that will put her off, or will at least put her on the back foot. Or if she's already involved in these things find another way you can work with the school, maybe as a parent helper within the classroom or on a library or sports project. Our school have parents very involved in cycling projects for example.

You will see her at concerts or coffee mornings and you'll just have to put up with that. It's totally shit and I'm sorry you've ended up dealing with this. But it won't overshadow your school experience. Your first nativity play will be every bit as special I promise.

Ask the head to put them in a different class. It should be fine if you ask early enough.

I am doing fine, thanks- Had an horrific month after he left, real depression and felt utterly lost, but I have had a lightbulb moment now of realising I have one life and I have to respect and love myself as much as I respect and love my friends and family. The best advice I've been given is to take the advice I'd give to my friend/sister if she was in this situation. Easier said than done!

@flitwit99 yes he is our first child to start school (only child). I like your suggested comment to shut anything down - thank you.

@TheShiteRunner I had that advice too and have tried to live by it - not putting up with anything I wouldn't let a friend put up with. I actually believe I am coming out of this a stronger and more demanding (possibly not the right word) person. I used to do anything to avoid any potential conflict and was probably a bit of a push over. Now I say exactly what I am thinking if it is playing on my mind and am learning to be more selfish and look after myself a bit more.

My friend/work colleague had her child in nursery with two half siblings from two different women. The children were all approximately the same age.

They did not know my friend's husband was married to her but were aware of each other. My friend split with her husband and they fought over him for a bit. He then left for someone else.

My friend was very dignified and ignored them both. They were very confrontational with each other. My friend then got her son in a school miles away as she couldn't face the gossip from everyone rather than the children being friends or the women.

I’m so sorry you are in this situation

My husband had an affair two years ago with the local ride. :( she has kids at the school too

I did corner her and tell her what I thought of her, she was a coward. The anxiety of seeing her killed me but it became obvious that she was more bothered seeing me.

There’s nothing quite like you husband shitting on his own doorstep.

Like someone said before, he needs to follow through with his promise to leave his job.

It would be worthwhile getting some counselling for yourself to help you though this.

@Seahorsey shit isn’t it? How can they not even think about the consequences?

I’ve already given her a piece of my mind over the phone (which made me feel a hell of a lot better) so hopefully she will continue to hide in shame!

I’m already having individual counselling, as is H, and yes he knows I can’t even start to move on until they are no longer working together so he is continuing with the job search.

Thanks for all your replies folks.

Hello all, I’m seeking advice on the school front as my spouse cheated with a parent whose child goes to the same school, same year but different classes to my child. To put my husband n my differences aside for the time being, I’m having to resolve the matter where I’m concerned for my child. I no longer do the school runs as I see “her” regularly since she lives down the road. I can’t move my child again as we have moved a few times so now begs the question to whether to go to the school Headmaster to ensure that my child will not be placed in the same class as her child in the following year even though it will be quite sometime before placements arrangements for the following year. This is the only place I found on the Internet n I’ve read the entire thread. The origin of the thread is about 2 years ago n I’m wondering whether the issue has been solved with the parent who started this thread. What are schools’ perspectives to these situations? Can anyone help to shed light?

@Potat0

Hello all, I’m seeking advice on the school front as my spouse cheated with a parent whose child goes to the same school, same year but different classes to my child. To put my husband n my differences aside for the time being, I’m having to resolve the matter where I’m concerned for my child. I no longer do the school runs as I see “her” regularly since she lives down the road. I can’t move my child again as we have moved a few times so now begs the question to whether to go to the school Headmaster to ensure that my child will not be placed in the same class as her child in the following year even though it will be quite sometime before placements arrangements for the following year. This is the only place I found on the Internet n I’ve read the entire thread. The origin of the thread is about 2 years ago n I’m wondering whether the issue has been solved with the parent who started this thread. What are schools’ perspectives to these situations? Can anyone help to shed light?

Hi, you might get more advice starting a new thread. Some people won’t comment when they see the post is a few years old. Sorry you’re going through this, it’s really tough. I’m not too sure what the school will do really as they sadly cannot accommodate every parents request for classes and it’s not really a school issue. Schools tend to work on classes a bit earlier than most think. Depending on the amount of children in each year group then it can take a lot of juggling around. Hopefully your child will move onto the next stage with majority of their friends. I know it’s hard but don’t let this ow and your dh win. Don’t let them stop you from feeling you can’t do the school run. Be there for your child, hold your head high and show her that she is of no concern to you!