Husband had affair - DS starting at same school as OW's DS in Sep

[TryingToCope101]

So the subject says it all really - I am just looking for some advice on how to deal with this, especially from anyone who has been through the same. The thought of it is causing me a lot of anxiety...

The background - a week before Christmas my DH told me he had been having an affair with someone from work for about 2 months. After a horrendous Christmas, he is since begging for me to try and make it work and telling me that it was a massive mistake (and all the other cliches, blah blah). We are both having individual counselling (not ready for couples yet as I'm not sure I even want him back). But for now we are taking one day at a time and I am trying to deal with the hurt he has caused to see if I can ever forgive him. However there is an issue beyond this that is causing me much anxiety.

We have a 4yo DS due to start at the same primary school as OW's DS in September (her and her husband live a couple of roads away). I have seen her when out and about already and feel physically sick with anxiety afterwards. Don't get me wrong, it's not because I blame her more than him - I just feel like it is being rubbed in my face. It is also not helped that she is now playing the victim and telling anyone who will listen (including her DH) that it was all my DH's fault, he led her on, she was innocent etc.

My main concern going forwards, whether I feel I can try to make it work with DH or not, is that I dread our kids becoming friends, wanting to play at each other's houses, seeing her at kids parties etc. Obviously I wouldn't say anything to her in front of her kids (I feel I have said all I need to already) but the worry of this is stopping me sleeping and causing me real stress.

It's an intake of 3 forms as it has a year group of 90, so I am lucky that it is big - I know that teachers do ask for names of any other kids they are particularly close to in order to try and put them together. Are they also likely to take notice of a request NOT to put kids together?

Also what is the best way to behave if and when I do bump into her?! I would like to think I will be confident and controlled, but I feel in reality I'm more likely to be mess (and most likely looking at my worst!) Please help if you can and give me some constructive advice :)

That really is a shit situation OP. I couldn't stand seeing this woman everyday or my H seeing her when he's at the school. They did the dirty once who's to say they won't again.

I'd move away, or at least to a different part of town with a different school. You've got 6 months.

The daily stress wouldn't be worth it. Even if DC start off in different classes, they all play together at playtime so may still become friends. DS invited DC from different classes to his parties and plays with them when we were waiting in the playground in the morning.

This woman shagged your husband, it's not something you just 'get over'! I'm afraid I'd take the option which would be easiest on my blood pressure .

Just to add, any detriment to your DS's education if you decide to move will be your H's responsibility not yours. Your feelings matter and in this case seeing as your DS has not yet started school, I'd put yourself first in your position.

I would move away. It sounds like you want to give the marriage a go and these conditions will put a strain on a v strained situation. If you do split it will be good not to see her every day as well. I know finances will be bad but your health is v important.

Horrible situation to be in. Even if the children are in different classes you will rarely be able to avoid OW.

Have you also considered that it is possible that other parents will find out about the affair and know your private business? How will that make you feel? The school gates can be hidious places for gossip etc.

I would suggest you rethink your ds school choice.....and wonder if your cheating DH is worth all this upset.

I actually don’t really care if people find out and want to gossip- I have a good friend network who have supported me and that is all that matters (a few of whom will be going to school too). It would be different if I were the cheater as I would hate to be judged on that, but no one can judge me for whatever happens going forward. I’ve done no wrong. It’s really not the gossip I’m worried about.

And trying to “work out whether my cheating husband is worth all this upset” is precisely what I am doing. I’m still not sure he is!

My god you poor thing; it’s insult added to injury. I understand that it must make it much harder for you to move on properly. No advice, just deep empathy and sympathy!

OP, I had this but OW had deliberately enrolled her DC in the same ballet and gym classes as mine, in the hope I suspect of seeing my DH.

Every time I saw her I felt physically sick, very wobbly and murderous - in the end I took the DC out of the classes because it was clear she had no intention of doing so. We worked together too but I moved sites (big employer) as I simply couldn't cope with seeing her in a place I wanted to feel emotionally safe. Like your DH's OW, she also was very, very public about how she too had been led on and then betrayed by my H. It was horrendous- she is a fair bit younger than me and very glamorous, whereas I'm not. On one occasion one of our mutual male managers - before I moved sites - told me he could understand how my DH had had an affair with her 'as most men would do so if they got the chance'It was beyond humiliating for me.

And her DH wanted to meet up with me too - we seemed to get on well and too did the piecing together the story bit. Then I found out that he had told the OW that I was 'barking mad with grief' about my DH's affair with her which she used relentlessly against me, even suggesting in my work place that I was so mentally fragile that my DC should not be parented by me.

You may be lucky OP, and she keep her own counsel, but it doesn't sound like she will. Please don't underestimate the sheer purgatory of seeing on a regular basis - it keeps the wound perpetually fresh.

I saw the OW last week for the first time in 5 years when she turned up at my site for a meeting. I didn't know she was visiting and seeing her out of the blue was a profound shock; I actually felt my knees buckle.

If you can, please move or your DC go to a different school as I think it is just so, so difficult to move on if you have decided to try and stay together. And if you do decide to leave him, it wouldn't be great to have a regular reminder of what he did to irreparably destroy your marriage. I am so sorry, it's shit

The children will hear the gossip too, and children can be horrible to other children.

I'd be looking to protect my DS, and start him at a different school.

And probably move house copmpletetly.

Ugh horrible situation I’m so sorry you have all this to contend with on top of the obvious

I think I’d have to move area and start afresh
Seeing her at all the school occasions will ruin them. What should be a fun happy day at your DS sports day will end up with you fretting you haven’t any make up on and looking over your shoulder to see where she is.
Ditto the school disco, mums nights out, Xmas fair, school play, drop in for reading with mum sessions etc etc etc.

There’s so much more to school life than the drop off and pick ups and that especially so in junior school.

If the other local school is awful I’d move areas.

He’s a shit OP.
Good men don’t do that even if they do feel guilty/sorry afterwards

All he had to do was say no.

I had a similar situation and I found it to be pretty hellish really. I developed huge anxiety and suffered horrendous panic attacks around doing the school run, attending the sport our kids played together and eventually just going into town shopping in case I bumped into her.
The only solution I had was to move out of town a bit. And fortunately my dc are now at secondary school so the situation with the school run has gone.

Definitely ask
About the classes as a minimum but tbh if it can be avoided I'd think about a different school. It's just in your face all the time otherwise.

Dancingtothemusicoftime-I'm 3 years on and I saw the woman walking down the road the other day-I was in the car and I had a similar response to your knee buckling. I felt genuinely sick. I thought I'd got over it much more than I have I think...

I would move schools because you will always be worrying about bumping into her, and what happens if on any occasion your cheating shitbag husband picks your little one up? You will never settle. Believe me your anxiety will chip away at you. Is it really worth putting yourself through that when there are other options available?

Another option, could you defer a year until your DC is 5?

I’d find another school. I’d move house if I had to.

Hi OP.. Are you planning to try work things out with DH or is it completely over?

Me and dp got over a cheating situation. It was only one night but the principle remains the same.. Betrayal and lies.

This was 2 years ago now and we are back to 'normal'

It was me who cheated.

I dont have any advice re the boys going to the same school but if you believe your husband will never do this again it would be worth another go. Sometimes things can get muzzled and people make idiotic decisions much like making mistakes way back when.

If not i wish you luck and in a years time the boys going to the same school wont be such a huge deal. Itll all fall into the cracks and youll learn to deal with the outcome - whatever it may be. Us humans are amazing at adapting.

Xx

For everyone asking how I will cope if he bumps into her at school, they both still work in the same office so to be honest that is the least of my worries. He could be picking things up every day and I would be clueless. It’s my feelings and insecurities I’m trying to focus on (while also trying to concentrate on my DC)

Slippiepippie, I’m not sure yet. I want to try and work at things but am not sure I can ever forgive him. Thanks for your post- it’s interesting to hear the other side and that things can work out if you both want them to. His brother actually had an affair 10 years ago too it turns out, and they have made it work too. They have an awesome relationship now (I am very good friends with my BIL’s wife).

For all those who say they would chuck him, sell house, change schools, I wonder how many have actually been through it. Only that I would have said I would definitely always chuck a cheat- and when it comes to it I’m not as hardline as I thought I would be. Because feelings get in the way.

I have a life, a lovely home, friends, DC’s friends, a support network- moving away from all that seems like even more to deal with on top of all the other change. And I’d still have a cheating husband and still risk bumping into them in town (I’ve seen one or both of them 4 times in the last week just driving to nursery and back).

Slippiepippie, what did you do to convince your H you were committed to him? Mine keeps asking me what he can do apart from apologise (which seems so empty) and I don’t know what to tell him. X

This happened to me, in a tiny village school. We had all been good friends. My Year 1 DD was very close to the other child and it was all extremely painful.

The long and short is that DH and I are still together, it was 6 years ago and the children have gone up to the big school and go on the school bus together but don't mix.

One of the worst bits was when my DD kept asking why we weren't friends anymore. I said she had hurt my feelings and I wasn't able to forgive her. My DD accepted this in due course.

Time can be a great healer. Like you, I had great support in my community and I didn't want to cut my self off from it. It was the right choice for me. Wishing you well. PM if I can help.

TheLastNigel, so sorry it has happened to you too - it's the most horrible sensation isn't it?

OP, I think a lot of us have gone through it so we write from a place of understanding. My boundaries were the same as yours, until it happened to me. So I get it, I really do. And we are still together. But the journey has been the hardest thing I have ever done.

Can your DH look for another job? Our counsellor was adamant that total NC between affair partners was the only way to move forward and he was right. I know for sure I would have been demented by anxiety had my H continued to work with the OW (all three of us worked within the same company). I know that there are numerous ways that people can keep in touch if they want to, but continued contact in the work place is a massive barrier to any potential restoration of your relationship equilibrium.

He asks what more he can do to make it right - tell him to look for another job with immediate effect. I get that's not always practicable but he should if it's even remotely feasible.

@dancingtothemusicoftime - I totally agree and he is looking for another job but as the main earner (I went part time after I had DC) he can’t just hand in his notice as we couldn’t afford the mortgage. I have told him that there is no way I can move on while they still work together and he does seem to get that - I can’t even begin to process it all until I know his isn’t seeing her every day. She is actually currently at risk of redundancy so I am really hoping I get some karma coming my way shortly and she gets the boot!!

And I do know and value that a lot of people are giving me advice from their own experience, which is what I wanted by posting here. It’s just anyone saying for me simply to “move” like it’s that easy without any experience almost makes me feel like people are judging me for staying- it’s easy to say how you should behave until the shit happens to you isn’t it. 😔

OP, I've lost friends because I stayed with my H so I do understand how you feel. I do often wonder how those who are so disappointed in me for doing so would react if the same thing were to happen to them.

The bottom line is that the only thing that matters if you do the right thing for you - be it now, in the near future, or 10 years time. It's no one else's business but yours and his. Infidelity is like throwing a grenade into the very centre of a relationship; it smashes everything and you have no idea at the early stages whether you can glue the pieces back together again, or even if you will want to once the initial horrendous trauma segues into the dull, constant ache of knowing that the person who you thought absolutely has your back was capable of ripping your heart out.

A wise friend who is a divorce lawyer told me that I should not petition for divorce until I knew beyond any reasonable doubt that it was absolutely what I wanted, with no smidgeon of uncertainty. Over the last few years there have been many, many occasions when I was nearly at that point but never quite committed. And I am glad I made the choices I did although it has been an agonising path to follow and I've made many mistakes along the way.

I'm glad he's looking for another job but do beware him moving away from that promise once he senses the dust has settled.

"It’s really not the gossip I’m worried about."

I work in a school and can tell you that anything the parents are gossiping about eventually reaches the children.

You can talk to the Head, make sure your dc are in different classes and behave with absolute dignity, but if you think she will tell someone or that it will become public knowledge in some other way, you need to prepare for your child finding out in time.

Personally I would LTB (and did). Better the gossip is 'TryingtoCope is amazing' than 'poor cow is still living with that shitbag.'

He needs to read and follow 'how to help your partner heal from an affair'

Trying, I truly hope that he can find a new job. This is crucial. There is a reason that therapists consider cutting contact to be the gold-standard in affair recovery. The whole family needs to have no contact if possible.

I would change schools, no question. Your coming in regular or occasional contact with OW, as well as the dread of doing so, will impede your healing immensely. The wound will stay fresh. Do not immerse yourself in such torment. Your child will be fine as long as you can find peace.