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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has any body ever had an emotional affair ..

86 replies

Raidmywardrobe · 05/03/2019 22:46

And what was the outcome?

OP posts:
SeaweedDress · 06/03/2019 16:44

You don't get to have intense friendships with men one on one

See, I think this is nonsense. I can and do. I would say that, if anything, it has benefited my marriage. Having friendships that nurture you lets you bring a lot to your main relationship, and means you avoid being emotionally entirely dependent on your spouse.

Are you for real ? Emotional affairs can be the pre-cursor to it getting physical. You talk much more to your EA partner. Possibly trust them more. You have time for each other.

Because there's no.....daily round, school run, food preparation, t.v., hobby, in-laws, housework etc etc etc on and on and on.

Perhaps we are talking at cross-purposes. I am happily married to someone lovely, and have never had an emotional affair, or an affair. However, many of the behaviours I regularly engage in with a couple of close male friends going out for dinner, going away for the weekend, confiding in one another are regularly seen on Mn as things which should be 'reserved' for a spouse or partner. I don't agree. Just as I haven't forsaken my female friends for my marriage, I haven't forsaken my male ones. I have never slept with them. I have never nearly slept with them. They are also married. I know their wives. They are also dealing with the daily grind of the school run and putting the bins out. No one is sneaking around or getting some kind of illicit buzz from contact.

The OP's situation is not mine. I don't think it's an intense platonic friendship because it sounds secretive, and she is clearly confused by it.

Ohyesiam · 06/03/2019 16:58

I had an emotional affair, and I realise now I was really into the version of me he saw.
Always looking my best, doing something I was really good at. No grotty bits, just straight forward glamorous liveliness. I really really liked that version of myself, as I had a history of feeling a bit odd looking and useless, and feeling a bit flat.
I was vaguely aware of this dynamic at the time, but hindsight let’s you put it all together.
I felt addicted and in deep. It was like a bereavement when I walked.

I came clean to my husband, who was twice the man he could ever be. After initial anger( that he never took out on me) he saw his part in it( overworking) and found it in himself to forgive me.
Hope you get it sorted op, the only way for me was zero contact,and it took a looong time.

NCforthis2 · 06/03/2019 18:00

Interesting post Ohyesiam. I can relate to everything you've said.

teabreakchats · 06/03/2019 18:26

OP if this is in anyway helpful -

I am in what I would describe as an EA right now but I also have a very close male friend who lives overseas but we talk daily over text and sometimes for hours. I would consider my friendship with him totally normal . Key differences -

-OM is on my mind when we're not talking . Friend is not.

  • when life gets busy, friend and i may not talk for days on end and it's totally fine. It doesn't bother me and I don't wonder "what's going on". With OM it would be constantly on my mind
  • I don't feel the need to "think about" what I'm saying to friend , as I'm 100% my normal self. With OM I'm constantly thinking about putting my best foot forward, so to speak
  • with friend , we exchange photos of things we are doing. With OM, we exchange selfies

And the obvious one -

  • with friend, I'm often telling hubby about our conversation and have no issues if he read it
  • there's no flirtation or I love yous. Hewill say things like "you're looking great!" But not detailed physical comments.

All the best OP Thanks

Original poster
Raidmywardrobe · 06/03/2019 19:07

Oh good grief. I feel like the cross between ohyesiam and teabreakchats right now. I can relate to being this best version of myself when in his company .. no day to day worries or drudgery, looking my best ,yet I feel that while he is always on my mind and I must be on his if he keeps instigating all the texting , I almost feel like it is a relief during holidays when we are not together all day long and I turn off my phone . Interestingly he has asked for selfies but only if I was on a night out with friends or in holiday . I never thought of that before now. He sends them regularly. All clean . Thought it was just being friends and interested in whatever was going on at that moment in time . It is crossing a boundary isn’t it ? Then again my female friends and I send eachother these photos when out for an evening or going to a wedding or a party so I just don’t know . Thanks for helping me all of you mnetters

OP posts:
teabreakchats · 06/03/2019 19:36

I know exactly what you mean

The other day the male friend asked me what the dress code was like at my office. I was trying to explain to him what I wear and realized that if he was a female friend, I would have sent a photo. It felt weird sending him one tho!

I asked him would you have found it weird if I sent a selfie, he said no but could understand why I could

My EA is different from most others I think, in the sense that it's not about the thrill of the secrecy but about the person.
I know exactly why it's happening. He is my ex from many years ago and "the one that got away". Like PP, I like the version that he sees. There's a part of me that misses the young, independent version of myself that I was when we were together and I get reminded of that.

NCforthis2 · 06/03/2019 19:38

I think even the fact that you're analyzing it so much is telling. It's as if you want us to tell you that there's more to it than friendship (on his part)

Apologies if I'm all wrong!

Original poster
Raidmywardrobe · 06/03/2019 20:17

I realise that I must be confusing to many . It’s quite the opposite in reality... I would love for someone to tell me that these behaviours are entirel normal in close opposite sex friendships . I just cannot seem to unravel this and I feel stuck . Meeting my partner after years of unsatisfying relationships was the best thing to happen to me . I don’t want to ruin it but Also value my friendship too

OP posts:
NCforthis2 · 06/03/2019 20:24

OK, so it's confusing you, making you unhappy (I think)? affecting or potentially affecting your relationship.

I think you need to stop completely.
If you find it hard to do that, then I think you're in trouble.

SeaweedDress · 06/03/2019 20:25

Well, I have close opposite-sex friendships and see as normal things that many on Mn appear not to tolerate, but this sounds far too secretive and flirtatious for a platonic friendship. OP, you’re jealous of his girlfriend!! He messages you ‘intensely’ for five hour periods! You’re on here analysing the relationship!

slummymummy35 · 06/03/2019 20:44

I feel like I'm walking into an EA right now...and I identify so strongly with much of the posters above. And I know why it's happening.

I threw my husband out a few weeks ago because he was drunk and aggressive and punched a wall. He stayed at his mums for a few weeks but then insisted on moving back home against my wishes. He is really trying to fix things but I hate him. This is the last in a long list of things like this and we need to separate. I just don't have the energy to go through it all again. He is sleeping In the attic and I can barely talk to him.

This flirtation with a man I met through work (he lives in England but is here regularly) is giving me a distraction and is lovely and thrilling and is making me smile again.

thecatsarecrazy · 06/03/2019 23:14

I got into an emotional affair and it's the biggest mistake of my life
.. Started off oh so innocent coffee and chat oh we are just friends but I knew it wasn't right. Things progressed into moaning about d.h then talk became sexual and the worst after a row with dh kissing.
Im so ashamed of myself. I tried to block him so many times but he was like a drug. I always knew he had my phone mumber as a back up and would still contact me. I would never leave dh for him thats the stupid thing. Dh knew about him and how much he got under my skin. I was meant to be meeting him tomorrow but as usual hes started a row with me and pulled out so I have finally seen sense and blocked him on f.b and his number. I even got dh to do it so he knows thats it. It went on for almost a year and totally took over my life. Every waking moment i thought of him and when his next message would ping.

RiversDisguise · 07/03/2019 01:37

Thecats your DH is superhumanly patient it seems

thecatsarecrazy · 07/03/2019 05:58

He must be bless him. Ive treated him like shit. We have had ups and downs but he didn't deserve this. I really have some making up to do.

Original poster
Raidmywardrobe · 07/03/2019 10:49

I have read these replies ver and over and wanted to say thanks to all who responded. Boundaries certainly have been crossed so I am going to tell him that I’m taking a break from WhatsApp etc for lent and that I’m turning off my phone every evening to zone out. Seems silly but I couldn’t be honest with him as to why I was going this .medsaging all evening again yesterday and at seven am this morning ...looking back, theynnecessary messages end late at night and begin the next morning at seven , even though we work together and will see eachother an hour later. That’s not normal and I know that.i felt like the innocent party because it was not me who was initiating the messaging or asking for selfies and suggesting nights out together on our own . But I know that I was gladly taking part in this charade .when I last told him that I needed distance, he continued to text and was very upset so I expect more of the same this time . How to deal with it, im not so sure. Apart from your replies, what really made me realise that this was going into troubled waters, is when other friends couldn’t go to a work event and it would be just us, he said that he preferred it that way. I have everything to lose ,he is in a new relationship and continues to text intensely when he could be doing that with her or spending time with her .so the penny has dropped . Whether an ego stroke for him orgenuine feelings , it doesn’t matter. It’s wrong and I know it .

OP posts:
DiscontinuedModelHusband · 07/03/2019 11:39

Good luck OP!

thecatsarecrazy · 07/03/2019 13:31

Good luck op. Its very hard to break away and you have to be firm. A week ago I didn't have the strength to block his number, now its done and I have to move on.

Myheartbelongsto · 07/03/2019 13:34

It really is a very shitty thing to do to your partner and theirs.

What is wrong with people that they have to treat others like shit.

Original poster
Raidmywardrobe · 07/03/2019 14:02

Yes it is and I feel quite horrible now that I realise the gravity of the situation. It really was very innocent... until it wasn’t. I feel like my friend is like you, discontinued ... in that he thinks what we are doing is perfectly ok as we are doing nothing wrong in his eyes... I am glad that I shared here and got some great opinions and advice but most importantly perspective and insight . I did not mean to hurt a soul . I’m hoping that my friend respects my boundaries this time .

OP posts:
DiscontinuedModelHusband · 07/03/2019 14:26

i think you're right.

if you reach a point where you start justifying your actions to yourself, you've probably gone too far.

i've never wondered if i am in contact with other friends too much, or what their partners might think, or what my partner might think.

MakeItAmazing · 07/03/2019 15:26

All you posters acting like EA are okay, I wonder how you'd feel if it was your Husband that another poster is flirting with Hmm.

sofato5miles · 07/03/2019 16:20

From what i am reading it, it seems that texting is the conduit. So easy to do an artificial distance, until the conversations become addictive.

Unguent · 07/03/2019 16:48

He's not going to make this easy for you, OP, so you will need to be extremely firm. It doesn't actually matter if he's upset. You need to focus on yourself and your marriage. And honestly, it seems to me as if what you see as 'intensity' from him is a behaviour I have seen in male-female friendships -- the man using the woman as a sort of human waste paper bin into which he monologues endlessly about himself in extreme detail because he's assured of a receptive ear. It's sold as 'intensity' and trust, but in fact nearly anyone would do.

Maybe keep that in mind as a possibility if he attempts to guilt you into resuming communication.

radroller · 07/03/2019 19:02

Yes I had an emotional affair, like everyone else mentions. It's a great feeling , even better. Fantastic.
But not real life, just the cream.
But it ruined my life. caused my marriage to fail. lost my home, financially ruined, and see my kids every other weekend.
I accept full responsibility on my half.
But it never even worked out, never went on a date or kissed.
When it ends , it's terrible, because it repents what you have lost , and gained nothing.
Suffer depression and loneliness from all this, and will never recover financially. so was it worth it NO
If you are having one, think about the long term affects, what happens if you get found out. Can you handle this.

chalkwhite · 07/03/2019 19:10

I'm having a very strange one.

I was in a relationship for 6 years and absolutely loved my now ex. He broke up with me completely out of the blue about 6 months ago and got together with someone else really quickly.

I'm still single.

He messages me 20/30 times a day. He says he loves me, that he thinks about me all the time, we have exchanged sexual messages reminiscing about times we had. It's an absolute head mess.

It's not an 'affair' from my point of view, because I never had the chance to get over him and I didn't think we should have broken up in the first place. I don't have a partner to be cheating on.

But I do wonder about his girlfriend. He says she knows he talks to me every day, but she can't possibly know the content. I try to care about her, but as I suspect there was an overlap between me and her, she isn't my favourite person anyway.

It's a mess. A massive mess - and I need to stop it, but I miss him so bloody much.