Advice Please - Are relationships all about Sex?

[nannynick]

Hi all. First time poster in Relationships. So a bit of background... I'm a bloke (yes there are some of us who use Mumsnet) working in a caring profession - so I suppose I am not your typical sort of bloke!

mother2be recently wrote that her bf "has the sex drive of a dead hedgehog".

I feel this describes me very well - I am a dead hedgehog when it comes to sexual relationships.

I find relationships difficult, as I am really not that keen on having sex. Relationships don't last, and I now find that I get no interest at all from those on dating sites - as they all seem to me to after a quick shag!

So does anyone have any advice about how to find someone for a long term relationship, where that relationship is not focused on sex? Dating Sites certainly to me do not seem to be the place to look.

If your dh/bf didn't want sex, but instead would do lots of cuddles, lovely meals out, enjoyable family outings, that sort of thing, would you be happy, or would you insist that there was sex involved?

I think I will end up single for the rest of my life the way things are going...

Hmm, I think there needs to be sex/chemistry there at the start at least to give a foundation. But I do not adhere to other threads on here that suggest sexless relationships are doomed to failure - I think they negate the many many caring loving and loyal relationships which are no longer very sexual. What I do think is important is the balance of sex drive between the two individuals. Of course there are times this varies so they don't match but on a general level if one has a low sex drive and the other a high one then of course it will lead to problems at some point. In terms of looking for a partner who fits this bill I suspect it's a case of making sure you meet as many different people as possible and perhaps focus on the friendship side of things first.

nannynick,

You just have to find the right person. I know it easier said then done.

I didn't meet DH untill i was 30 and he was 28 we have been together for 9 years and married for 6 years.

I would say that we both could be described as "has the sex drive of a dead hedgehog", but it doesn't effect our life together (could be why it took over 2 years of ttc to get pregnant both times).

So yes we are happy with ots of cuddles, lovely meals out, enjoyable family outings etc.

I don't know whether it helps, but i can only say from my experience, and yes it harder to find someone to a relationship with rather then a quick shag.

Hi nannynick. Im not speaking from experience as for me and my dp sex is a big part of our relationship and it has been for both of us from the beginning.

But there are many women out there who are looking for the same things that you are. Dating sites i dont think are the right place to look as like you say, many of them are looking for sex rather than a partner.

in my opinion you need to meet people to start friendships with to start with and build it up from there. join evening classes, or clubs etc where you have the opportunity to meet people with similar interests as you. You will find someone who shares the same interests and who you have a lot oin common with and as that friendship grows the rest will fall into place.

I do know that its hard to find this one person, and you probably will have to go through disappointments but there is someone out there for everyone.

Not everyone is looking for sex. there are women who like you enjoy other intimate things than sex.

hope this helps

Well loads of women are usually dead keen on all the romantic parts of a relationship (ie cuddles, meals out) and not so keen on lots of sex!
Aint it usually the man who is obsessed with finding sex, and the woman who would rather chat for hours and plan romantic evenings?
i have been sort of seeing a man (only for a week or so) who wasnt interested in me as a person and was just desperate for sex to happen. i wanted it too but my fear was he would either run away afterwards or just pop round my house for sex on tap whenever he felt the need.So in my experience blokes can be just after one thing, and men like you are a much better catch!

i guess you just have to find the right person, i dont think it will be too hard, and if you really fancy them im sure you will be up for sex anyway!!!!! lol

I am just not good at meeting people. I'm shy, don't like going to pubs/clubs that sort of thing. So finding new people to meet is quite hard.

May look at evening classes for September... could enhance my cooking skills. I often work evenings though, so finding an evening class on a non-busy night, such as Monday's may be tricky.

Went orienteering yesterday by random chance, and enjoyed that... so have emailed the club to find out more information. Not sure it's an ideal way of meeting new people, but anything is worth a shot - and it will help me get more exercise.

Open to suggestions on how to meet women who are not just after sex. I'm in Surrey/Berkshire/North Hampshire border area - if anyone can suggest anything local.

have you tried the dating site parentsalready? there are some single men on there,you don't have to have children,just not mind them!! you might have more luck on there than the other dating sites as most of the women there are looking for someone trustful that they can build a relationship with.

can i ask,why don't you want sex? do you mean you don't want it even when you are in a relationship?

Have just joined parentsalready - thanks for the suggestion. Will see how that goes.

I know a lot of people say sex is essential and everyone must do it or it's not a proper relationship etc etc blah blah!

But I don't and I am 100% sure there are lots and lots of people like me.

I used to, I even liked it (as far as I can recall!!) but I haven't had sex for 7 years, even though I have been married all that time.

Why? Well, to begin with it was all down to dh. He just didn't want it. You sound very like him. He just wasn't bothered.

Initially I was very upset. I used to cry, shout, threaten etc. Do you know why? Not because I wanted sex, but because I truly thought that no sex meant he didn't want or love me. I thought sex=love. I had used it pre-dh and had sex when I really wanted affection and to be cared for.

Once I understood that he loved me, that he wasn't going to leave me and that it was just sex he wasn't bothered about, I heaved a big sigh of relief.

And that was it. He loves me. He thinks of me. He cares for me. We laugh. We finish each others sentences . He wants to throttle me sometimes and from time to time I fantasise about wacking him with a frying pan. We are happy.

The actual physical act of sex is simply a spasm.

I know there are many women like me. All you need to do is find one, someone who you can show love and affection to in your daily actions outside the bedroom and who will understand that that is love too.

Good luck!

nannynick

i can personally think of legions of single females who would chew off their right arm in order to meet a man that would share cuddles, meals out etc. WITHOUT wanting to be sexually 'rewarded' for his efforts ..

my own relationship has less sex in it than i would like, but the idea of trading in my lovely dh just so that i could have more sex is unthinkable

have read lots of your posts, and i am sure that someone as caring and intelligent as yourself will not end up being single forever, unless of course through choice..

x

Yes they are.

No they're not!

It's a part of it but not the most important part.

Good luck nannynick. I'm sure there are plenty of women out there who'd be happy with that sort of relationship (hell so would I sometimes) but the problem might come overcoming the barriers of them feeling that you didn't find them attractive. Even though I don't want sex that much these days and I heave a sigh of releif when I can just drift off to sleep when I get to bed, I would feel hurt if DH didn't ever want me. Stupid but there we are. More or less what mtpw so eloquently wrote!

Um, nannynick I think that it is obvious that relationships that last are not just about sex, but it certainly helps if you feel a sexual spark or attraction when you first meet. If I was falling in love with someone and they did not at least want to have sex with me or find me attractive in that way, I would probably see it as a bad sign!

I have been with dp for 13 years and married for 8 and these days we go through patches where one or the other or both of us are not that interested, but we both still think that it is important. We started our relationship very attracted to each other and sex was really important, and I can't imagine being that "in love" with someone and not wanting regular sex tbh.

i think it's normal for sex to become less as a relationship becomes older but in the early stages i think i would find it weird (sorry) if my bf didn't want sex.i love the fact he wants me,it makes me feel great!! there probably are women out there who don't want it at all and if you find her you will be great together.

i am interested to know if there are any reasons? is it the actual act of sex you are not interested in or anything sexual??

Its all about finding someone with compatable sex drive. If someone wants it every day and the other person is happy for once a month, that causes resentment. Also, in the beginning, it is normal to have more in the honeymoon period. But when you meet, it is possible to talk calmly about how often they like sex. That should give you a good idea.
What a shame you are 'meeting' sex mad kittens, instead of women wanting loving relationships. That is what alot of women complain about. The world has gone mad.

for all those women with who are admitting to having a hugely diminished sex drive since marriage/babys/just time passing. how would you resolve it if your man still had a very high sex drive? would you just have sex to keep him happy,expect him to deny his urges as you are not bothered or find some compromise which leaves you having sex you don't want and him still not getting enough?
just asking as i've never been in the situation and don't know what i'd do if the missus started turning down sex.would any of you ever be happy with your other half using prostitutes or escorts purely for sex seeing as you no longer are interested in him sexually,as long as it was just sex no relationship?or would you break up over the differences?

I dont mind that DP has the sex drive he has, i in fact have quite a high sex drive but dont mind not having sex alot if i get lots of cuddles, its more the closeness i want from him.
our relationship isnt 'difficult' and even though it did upset me to start with (because i thought it was about me) i dont mind so much now, we do make love, just not alot.
you will find somebody that is matched to your wants and needs and you'll find it in the place you least expect it!

famous me

Compromise amen, of course. Isn't that what any relationship is about?

WOuld I be happy with him visiting prostitutes? Preferable to an affair I suppose but unless sex dried up completely and we had discussed the possibility, I would not accept his doing that.

"Compromise amen, of course. Isn't that what any relationship is about? "

of course but with something like sex which requires a physical compromise you will end up with such resentment that neither of you will be happy.
the woman will end up having sex she doesn't want, which will obviously not be enjoyable and could lead to her feeling she has been bullied into having sex at times.
the man will not be having as much sex as he wants and the sex he will be having, he will feel that it is not wanted by his partner and could resent her for making him essentilly beg and harrass for sex at times.
as i say i've never beenn in the situation so i don't know.

I could not be with someone who has a low sex drive or didn't want sex, because I have a higher sex drive.

If you find someone who also has a low-sex drive or doesn't want sex, then of course it can work.

It's just a matter of finding someone who has a comparable libido.

You do have to have sex to have children. Well, not technically, but it's the easiest way.

, HD.

I admit, if I started going out with a bloke, and he just wanted to cuddle adn the reason why was low sex drive, I'd think twice about him.