Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Sexless marriage

60 replies

somersetdad116 · 05/03/2019 15:45

Im a newcomer here but after a google search about it lead me to this site i thought i would post.

Im a dad to a beautiful 7 year old girl and married to my gorgeous wife for 3 years now and been together 9 years this year. We have a nice house both work and should have everything going for us, we go on holidays and from the outside we look like we are in a great relationship, but there is a massive elephant in the room with us at all times, BUT we are in a sexless marriage.

It was only after googling and doing some research i realised how i may not be alone in my situation, We at best seem to have sex 6-8 times a year and then it is always initiated by me or we have had a argument about the lack of it before hand and it seems to be a chore and not really enjoyed.

I am very open person and will ask my wife what we can do and explain to her just how it makes me feel and that it is almost like we are brother/sister rather than husband and wife i have suggested counciling and maybe seeing doctors. I really do feel so bad as it almost makes me feel worthless i wouldnt say im bad looking and my wife assures me that its not that she doesnt fancy me but my self confidence is at a all time low, even though i have lost weight and got more in shape than ever there is still no interest from her.

I feel bad for even putting this in writing but dont have anyone i could confide in.

OP posts:

Stopmyselfornot · 05/03/2019 16:19

I am really sorry you are going through this, you and your wife. I assure you it is difficult for her as well, she probably wants to be able to give more. I was in this position for years. I would not want to tell anyone to end a relation, but sex is very important in a relation, and if you were both happy with 7 times or even once a year, it would be fine, but in your case, it is a problem.
I remember the vicious cycle we had me and my ex..I would avoid any sex, sexual talk, jokes, anything related to sex or anything that might lead to it, it would be fine the first month, tension builds up the second month and the explosion the third month, we have sex...then again.....
I fyou are not compatible there isnt much to do about it.
My current DP does not believe when I say this, as I am very active now!
You deserve to be in a better place. Try all routes, if it does not work, it would be best to consider leaving.

Original poster

somersetdad116 · 05/03/2019 17:35

You almost described the exact situation I am in we have only had sex once in the last 8 months or so and it just becomes so much of a struggle and almost feels like I'm in the wrong for bringing it up, everytime I do it feels like the same reply and that she does love me and she does want to do it, but then it returns to nothing happening and I bring it up again get the same answers and cycle continues!!
Just so frustrating to be out of my control

OP posts:

Catsinthecupboard · 05/03/2019 17:43

Go to marriage counseling. If she won't go, then go on your own. It may take a few to find one you can work with but life is very short.

It's not fair to either of you. Sex isn't a shameful request, it's a foundational part of marriage. In fact, it's a barometer of your marriage. You may need to look at other parts of your marriage.

It's not just physical. Sex is psychological, foreplay begins outside of the bedroom. It's a mental connection.

Best wishes.

Lozzerbmc · 05/03/2019 17:50

Hello i agree sex is pyschogical. She may be too tired or it could be hormonal. I had the menopause at 43. Do you support her with the housework and childcare etc? Do you have date nights ? When our DS was small we didnt live together and my DP came over on a saturday night. I didnt always fancy having sex knowing that i’d be up for the baby in the middle of the night whilst he’d be fast asleep......

Muddysnowdrop · 05/03/2019 18:00

Are you otherwise intimate? Do you hold hands or cuddle on the sofa or does she avoid those things as they lead to sex?
I’m not sure if sex 8 times a year can count as a sexless marriage though.

Asta19 · 05/03/2019 18:14

How long has this been going on? Has it always been this way? Was it after the birth of your child? Or more recent?

If she's always had a low sex drive then that's unlikely to change and will end up affecting your marriage. If it's another reason then it's possible that could be worked on.

Original poster

somersetdad116 · 05/03/2019 18:27

Hi I'm very hands on with our girl and housework etc I work nights so will often do a 12hr night then we cross over in the morning and I take my girl to school, walk dog, cook and generally muck in. I find us not holding hands as much anymore as I have been more withdrawn as how the whole situation is leaving me feeling!
I really do struggle as it leaves me feeling worthless as a husband I want my wife to have desire and to want to be intimate with me as much as I do with her!
Our relationship was better at the beginning but in the bedroom we never set the world on fire.

Thanks for the replys guys

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 05/03/2019 18:32

Get out. It isn't going to get any better. Sorry. Been there, got the t-shirt. In my 8 years nearly on MN I have read or been on lots of threads about this subject, some from men, some from women. None of us who've been there, had counselling, have seen any change. We all end up splitting.

Muddysnowdrop · 05/03/2019 18:46

You made a child together who needs you both - doesn’t mean you can never split but I wouldn’t be in a rush to do so if other things are good. All relationships have peaks and troughs. The young child years are some of the hardest you can experience in terms of sense of self and identity for mothers. If it was your wife posting we could find out quite quickly what the issues were!

Asta19 · 05/03/2019 18:56

but in the bedroom we never set the world on fire

Then sadly I have to agree with ShatnersWig. I say sadly because you obviously adore your wife and DD. But it's true, it won't get better, and the feelings you have will get worse and worse. Your wife clearly has a low sex drive, not her fault and she's not in the "wrong" in any way. But equally, you have a right to feel desired in your marriage. She probably loves you just as much as you love her, but she doesn't want to have sex. That's the bottom line.

This leaves you with 3 options.

Accept things as they are. But, given how you feel, I don't see that working out.
Consider/discuss having an open relationship.
Split up

I've also been where you are. I was married to a man I adored and desired. But the constant rejection absolutely destroyed me. I even ended up turning to drink. I tried the whole thing of not putting pressure on him but it didn't help, because he didn't want more sex and never would. I personally wouldn't have considered an open relationship because it was him I wanted to have sex with, not someone else. But I know it can work for some people. But I think it was only after we broke up that I realised just how much it had affected me. Having someone you love and desire lying next to you in bed, knowing you can't touch them in any intimate way, is pure torture.

KTB20000 · 05/03/2019 19:15

Muddy- I think anyhing less than 10 times a year is classed as sexless by the so called experts.

KTB20000 · 05/03/2019 19:20

Think you have pretty much nailed it there Asta

Original poster

somersetdad116 · 05/03/2019 19:23

Thanks again everyone. I have read everything again and again I really do appreciate all the comments and everyone sharing there experience's

OP posts:

cleanhousewastedlife · 05/03/2019 19:33

But you need to look into why she doesn't want it. Is she exhausted? Is it hormonal (peri menopause)? There's a big difference between "I want to want sex but I don't and it feels like something is wrong" and "I still want sex just not with you." Do you love each other? If you do and you want it to work then you're going to have to have some frank, non - judgemental conversations. There are lots of medical reasons why she might not want sex and it could be eating her up too. You need to talk, kindly and openly and without accusation.

Closetbeanmuncher · 05/03/2019 19:35

Your self esteem must be in absolute tatters. Have you ever brought up an open marriage?

You could talk until the cows come home in counselling but sadly that won't change the fact that she doesn't desire you.

I guess it's whether your happy to spend your life having pity sex every couple of months, or if you want the real deal...

For me it would be a deal breaker.

Dadaist · 05/03/2019 19:41

Hi OP - I hope this helps?

m.youtube.com/watch?v=tSs2dXDf1Zs

Calzone · 05/03/2019 20:11

My libido was on the floor for years and it was only when I had the implant removed last year that I found it again......

I can’t keep my hands off DH now and he has to fend me off......the phrase ‘The more you do it, the more you want it’ is very true.

Could it be something to do with contraception?

Muddysnowdrop · 05/03/2019 20:17

You have no idea why she isn’t into it. She may have gone off you. She may feel ashamed of her own body. She may dislike something you do in bed. She may feel it’s not worth the effort as she hardly ever gets to orgasm. She may be having an affair. She may find you lacking in some area you obviously haven’t spotted. She may have a physical issue she hadn’t shared.
We have no idea and the idea that the OP should just jump ship without trying harder to get to the bottom of this (find out what would make her happier - not just what would help you get more sex) really makes me despair. You married her fgs you need to try everything.
Is there a particular reason that you stopped at one dc? Just thinking of possibilities.

mrsk28 · 05/03/2019 20:20

I agree with Calzone's comment above. I found the pill messed with my sex drive a bit and only noticed when I stopped taking it to try get pregnant. Now I'm heavily pregnant and it's too awkward to have sex regularly so I suppose the joke is on me!

What contraception is your wife on? You need to talk about it more and try work out the problem. Your marriage sounds good other than the lack of sex so I would try everything you can before throwing in the towel.

Marriage counseling is what I would try if I was in your shoes but it's also possible she's happy with the amount of sex you have?

greendale17 · 05/03/2019 20:24

Get out. It isn't going to get any better. Sorry.

^This

Mypiedied · 05/03/2019 20:26

Was the desire every really there in the first place?

If it was then it can be rekindled.

If it wasn’t then it will never get any better.

I have had relationships where I have found my partner attractive to look at but they just didn’t give me that Phoar factor.i think I was in those relationships for safety and security and because the other party was a nice person.

I have had other relationships where every time I looked at them I had naughty thoughts! Those relationships were more satisfying because we all want to feel desired.

Keepithidden · 05/03/2019 20:39

Google "ILIASM forum", it has helped me realise that I can only change myself, not my spouse. Its a shame she did change, but thems the breaks.

Sympathies though, it's no fun in this type of relationship, and not easy to leave with kids involved.

ConfCall · 05/03/2019 20:39

I was with someone whereby the sex was never great, not even at the outset. I really liked him, loved him, but didn't think of him in "that" way. She probably loves you and enjoys her life on a day-to-day basis, and has decided that's good enough. Whether you agree is a different matter. And whether it's sustainable is a matter for debate - either or both of you could end up straying. It's time for a really serious talk OP. Open marriage may be the way. You can't deal with pity-sex 6 times a year though, that's unfair.

Middersweekly · 05/03/2019 20:40

Those that have said about contraception are definitely right. My labido was practically zilch on hormonal contraceptives. After I had my last child 7 years ago I had a copper coil fitted (this is non hormonal). My sex drive went from nothing to pretty normal/ high after I finished breastfeeding. I knew immediately what had been keeping my sex drive low for almost a decade!

MumsyJ · 05/03/2019 20:48

Hmmm sex is very fundamental. If it isn't there anymore, it only means one thing. I think you know where I'm going with this OP.

Flip

1 2 3