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Original poster

Sexless marriage

60 replies

somersetdad116 · 05/03/2019 15:45

Im a newcomer here but after a google search about it lead me to this site i thought i would post.

Im a dad to a beautiful 7 year old girl and married to my gorgeous wife for 3 years now and been together 9 years this year. We have a nice house both work and should have everything going for us, we go on holidays and from the outside we look like we are in a great relationship, but there is a massive elephant in the room with us at all times, BUT we are in a sexless marriage.

It was only after googling and doing some research i realised how i may not be alone in my situation, We at best seem to have sex 6-8 times a year and then it is always initiated by me or we have had a argument about the lack of it before hand and it seems to be a chore and not really enjoyed.

I am very open person and will ask my wife what we can do and explain to her just how it makes me feel and that it is almost like we are brother/sister rather than husband and wife i have suggested counciling and maybe seeing doctors. I really do feel so bad as it almost makes me feel worthless i wouldnt say im bad looking and my wife assures me that its not that she doesnt fancy me but my self confidence is at a all time low, even though i have lost weight and got more in shape than ever there is still no interest from her.

I feel bad for even putting this in writing but dont have anyone i could confide in.

OP posts:
dohraymefah · 05/03/2019 21:10

I'm not your wife, because if I was then you'd be complaining of having sex much less frequently than you are... but I am in what is essentially a sexless marriage, and I know it is all down to me. So, whilst I can't speak for your wife, I can speak as a woman who perhaps feels the same way as your wife. I didn't have a big sex drive pre-children. Now my sex drive is absolutely zero. I feel for my husband, but it's like really really not wanting to eat something and the idea of eating it actually makes you feel a little sick. Which sounds so wrong, I know, but it's a mental thing. I still absolutely love my husband, but I don't want to have sex with him. Neither do I want to have sex with any man I meet, or any celebrity I see on television.
As a PP said, there is a big difference between 'I don't know what's happened to my sex drive but I still love you' and 'I just don't want to have sex with you, but Brad Pitt on the other hand...'

Original poster
somersetdad116 · 05/03/2019 21:19

My wife is not on any contraception and when I do up the subject she just says she does want to do it but then just never follows through or there is always some reason headaches etc

OP posts:
Mypiedied · 05/03/2019 21:31

How does he deal with it Doh?

Calzone · 05/03/2019 21:34

I wonder if she would be up for a bottle of Prosecco to relax and a vibrator to get her started.......

.......worked for me. 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

dohraymefah · 05/03/2019 21:37

@Mypiedied He's very understanding. I think he's hoping it will change in the future, as am I. Right now I would say that if I could live the rest of my life sex free but still happily married then that would be perfect. But for DH's sake I hope that my libido returns at some point.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 05/03/2019 21:43

6 to 8 times a year isn't really sexless (in my very aged opinion) although it's not shagging for England either.

If you want more sex than that and she doesn't then you either need to split up and have more sex, or stay together and have sex with someone else. Do you think she'd really object if you had another arrangement on the side? You might find she'd be relieved that the pressure is off.

Calzone · 05/03/2019 21:55

Dohrayme.......prosecco and a vibrator????

bluebell34567 · 05/03/2019 21:55

some medications decrease the libido, too.

ivykaty44 · 05/03/2019 21:57

Could it be that your wife is worried about getting pregnant?

dohraymefah · 05/03/2019 22:01

@Calzone Confused early in our relationship (when sex was still regular) my now DH suggested we get a vibrator just to include in our foreplay. I said no and we never spoke about it again. What can I say, I'm a bit of a prude. My DH is so lucky Blush

Dadaist · 05/03/2019 22:06

I don’t know, but at the risk of some irony - often the answer to rekindled libido is by absolutely confronting the reality - that you are taken for granted, predictable, dependable, self sacrificing and safe, and seeking greater intimacy- which makes you more needy and this can be a huge turn off for very many women. Perhaps try doing something to turn the tables?

Go out and find yourself, do something for you, stop pining (easier said than done) and be more authentic about what you need from a relationship. Stop being so ashamed- because intimacy is absolutely essential for most people-and 6-8 times a really just going through the motions. You also have to get your confidence back - because it will also stifle any chance you have. I know it’s a bit shit that a cycle of low self esteem, neediness and sadness produce ever more distance and a vicious cycle - but it is what it is.
I’d say find a path to self improvement- and be ruthless with yourself and stick to it. It will stand you in far better stead either in your marriage or your next relationship. Good luck OP.

LonelyDadNeedsHelp · 05/03/2019 22:24

OP I can't offer much advice, but I'm in a similar situation to you so I really can sympathise. In my case, we've not had sex since conceiving our three year old. Apart from TTC our children, we've had sex twice in the last 10 years. I could only dream of 6-8 times a year.

I used to try initiating, but the constant rejection caused so much pain I gave up. I do my fair share at home, and I've tried everything, candlelit baths, date nights, massages, weekends away, you name it. Nothing made any difference.

Like you, we have a nice home, happy family life, a good life. From the outside friends and family must think we live a wonderful life, but little do they know.

We've only discussed it briefly and she told me she has no interest in sex at all. She refuses to go to counseling. She said I should find a sex worker, but I'm not sure if she was serious, and it's not something I want to pay for.

It won't get better, I've pretty much given up hope. But I don't want to split our family up, that would be devastating for so many people. So I've been thinking for some time of finding someone else to have sex with, it's just not that easy (seriously, I don't understand how so many MN DHs find OW so easily).

@dohraymefah, I hope you don't mind me asking, but how would you feel about your DH finding sex elsewhere? Would it upset you? If it's something you could live with, would you rather he told you or would you rather turn a blind eye as long as he's discreet? I don't blame you or my DP, you can't help how you feel, but I can't help wanting sex.

Summerdreamss · 05/03/2019 22:30

Last month I split up with DH for this very reason. I finally admitted to myself it would never be enough and I'd always need more.
It's still raw but think it's for the best for us both

rosinavera · 05/03/2019 22:41

Placemarking

Scott72 · 06/03/2019 00:09

She said I should find a sex worker, but I'm not sure if she was serious
I guarantee she wasn't being serious.

But I don't want to split our family up, that would be devastating for so many people. So I've been thinking for some time of finding someone else to have sex with
Divorcing her would still probably be the right thing to do. She's not happy either I bet. But finding someone to have sex with, even if you could, wouldn't be a good idea. She may not want to have sex with you, but she wouldn't be happy with you having sex with anyone else while you're still married. She'd use this against you.

Calzone · 06/03/2019 08:04

@dohraymefar

Just give it a go.

Honestly, I know you don’t feel you want to have sex......I was in the exact same situation but things are so much better now and I cannot imagine not wanting to have sex with dh.

Maybe just start with some wine and a massage.
Build up with a vibrator.

Tell dh you don’t think it will necessarily lead to sex but you are trying.

m0vinf0rward · 06/03/2019 08:48

OP I've been in your exact position with my ExW. I had to get out to save my sanity but not before I found out she was cheating and messaging loads of guys. Sorry to say if it's got to this stage it's probably a dead loss, unless she really commits to trying which by the sound of it...she's not. Get out with your dignity intact and find happiness elsewhere. I don't bear my ex any badwill...I think k we'd just run the course of our marriage. Both of us are much happier now.

dohraymefah · 06/03/2019 09:12

@LonelyDadNeedsHelp if DH came to me and said that he was so desperate for sex that he was looking to go elsewhere then I wouldn't be impressed. It's probably my zero libido talking, but I can't see how sex is that important a thing that you'd seek something so intimate from some random. I wouldn't stay with him if I found out he was having an affair or paying for sex elsewhere.
However, if I thought he was struggling like you clearly are then I would be trying my best to build my drive back up. A year or so after our first child was born I said to him 'Apparently the more you have sex, the more you want it, so we could try having sex every day to see if it improves my libido?' and he said 'if you want, but it's fine.' So I left it as is because clearly his sex drive isn't that high either.

Rathkelter · 06/03/2019 09:30

Have you considered doing something together that's completely unrelated to sex? Clearly family life looks likes it's ticking along just fine but it could also be rather humdrum and mundane. Maybe she's bored of routine - aren't we all - but for her, she really does need some extra spark in her life which then might rekindle your relationship with each other as adults. Could you pay a babysitter and do a massage course, cookery course, join a choir or a club of some sort, whereby you spend time together on a focussed activity and see another side to each other? No pressure to have sex at all but you might start bring really enjoying each other's company again.
I often can't be bothered to have sex because it's always the same. I should do something about it too!

deydododatdodontdeydo · 06/03/2019 09:50

My libido has dipped a lot in recent years. I still "phwoar" at DH, but I'm just not in the mood for "it" more than about once a month.
Not on birth control, not worried about getting pregnant (have always used condoms, for over 20 years).
I think it's just the stress of daily life.
For DH, he can have the most stressfull week and be even more in the mood for sex as relief.
For me, I can't be in the mood for sex with stressful things going on in my life.
And nothing super stressful, just everyday stuff.

LonelyDadNeedsHelp · 06/03/2019 09:57

@dohraymefah, I appreciate your response. I get that if you have low libido it's difficult to imagine wanting and needing sex so badly.

The thing is, people in sexless relationships don't want sex and intimacy with a random person, they want to enjoy it with their partner, and when they are refused again and again and again it hurts. It makes you feel empty and less than human. I've basically shut down a part of myself as a coping mechanism, although I know that's not healthy and can't last forever. I can understand why people seek sex with a random person because I'm pretty much there myself, for me it's because I just want to feel alive again.

It's not a popular view on MN, or life in general, but I do feel if one party unilaterally and permanently withdraws intimacy from a relationship, they shouldn't expect fidelity/celibacy. She decided she wants a sexless relationship and that's what she's got. Of course the conventional advice is to leave the relationship, but that will destroy lives and destroy the family. We couldn't afford that and it's not something I want to do.

In your case it sounds like you would try and you have tried. If my DP had said what you did about the more you have it the more you want it I would have been so happy. Sadly, she has not made any effort whatsoever. In your case, if it's something you would like to rekindle, don't just leave it at that. Talk to him again.

OP, I'm sorry I have hijacked this, I'll try to keep quiet now. Talk to her if you can, but if it's the elephant in the room that might not be easy. If talking isn't comfortable ask her if she'd go to counseling with you.

Summerdreamss · 06/03/2019 12:02

Lonelydad I think alot of this goes on more than we are aware off. Yes sex outside a marriage is obviously frowned on, however I understand completely why it happens.

user1479305498 · 06/03/2019 12:05

OP, has anything gone on in your lives that could have triggered this.? In my case a few things did, menopause for one, finding out about an old emotional affair/infatuation totally by chance and discovering a huge secretive porn habit. To be honest whilst I do care a great deal, don’t think he is unattractive, somehow the combination of all these killed my libido stone dead and it’s expected that I will still feel100% the same I think because I didn’t leave. Can you pinpoint when it went downhill because I could, and yes if you don’t want it, the thought of it actually makes you tense. I do try but I can’t in all honesty say it’s something I feel I ‘need’ . Thing is, it’s not just him, I honestly think I would feel the same with anyone, maybe I am wrong, not sure!!

Hopoindown31 · 06/03/2019 13:08

It's probably my zero libido talking, but I can't see how sex is that important a thing that you'd seek something so intimate from some random.

It's not important but too important to do with a random?

ShatnersWig · 06/03/2019 13:14

It's not a popular view on MN, or life in general, but I do feel if one party unilaterally and permanently withdraws intimacy from a relationship, they shouldn't expect fidelity/celibacy. She decided she wants a sexless relationship and that's what she's got. Of course the conventional advice is to leave the relationship, but that will destroy lives and destroy the family

One partner can declare they never want sex again. The other partner either accepts it or leaves. You think if you went out and starting shagging other women that won't destroy lives or the family? If so, you're on cloud cuckoo UNLESS your partner actively indicates they have no issue with you going elsewhere. Unfortunately that almost never happens.

I'm sorry but you have two options - you leave or put up with it. But I can bet your bottom dollar if you go for option B you'll be back here again in a year, or two, or three. Your marriage is DEAD.