Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 4 (replacement one)

[changerofnameaspiethread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. Otherwise the thread can be deleted, like Support Thread 4 The Original.

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here
3rd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3463341-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-Support-group-here-Thread-3

wizzy yes, I think that doing stuff on my own has become more fun. I go out a lot, do stuff, have friends locally. He has nothing and no-one, because he hasn’t made any effort to do anything.
A cracking example of this is that I meet with 6 village women every Monday morning, we take it in turns in each other’s houses. It’s my turn tomorrow, P was planning to go fishing but the weather’s not good, so he’ll sit upstairs and read his book. Sad.
We don’t have a marriage partnership anymore, we’re like rather reluctant housemates.

Wizzy well, me doing that has kept me just on this side of sanity.

And that is enough to keep the marriage together for now.

I ws really angry with him for either smothering or ignoring my needs. So, I decided to accommodate my needs myself.

It's mean that I'm less angry, less on his case, so he feels less criticised (anyone else's unable to cope with criticism of ANY kind?) and that seems to have reduced his stress and his traits, slightly.

He touched me earlier. Put his hand on my back as we chatted about our holiday plans.

Chatted.

And he touched me.

First time in months.

Its frustrating, I feel like I am having to accommodate his needs first all the time. But, having explored every other option, I reckon I either do it, or I bail from the marriage.

This all sounds so familiar :(

Mine vanishes upstairs at the first sign of visitors.

Reducing the demands definitely helps- my DH is relaxed around me now, not worrying about what I'm going to want from him.

It's sad though- there is a cost to it!

I just wish they had a great dad

This. X a million.

I have an Asperger's diagnosis, I wasn't completely in agreement with it.. I thought PTSD perhaps, I was looking for a magic pill that might stem some of the distressing thoughts I have, especially around food.. I struggle with many of the same issues above.. noting, hiding from visitors, even if I've known them for a long time. I often get the impression from other parts of the web that Asperger's = an empty unfeeling soul.. which in part made me question my own diagnosis.. I do feel, too much sometimes.. when I'm feeling good, I can be an attentive lover but at other times.. and it can be as simple as needing a shower, I feel a panic deep inside that is impossible to hide.. makes for the most awkward of hugs even.. who knows, I'm cracking on in years.. multiple failed relationships.. all ranging from 6 months to 4 and a half years.. I suppose being able to completely shut yourself off from the world has its place.. as long as it's productive and not just pouring merlot in to your brain until it stops.. (I know, I'm terrible, that's why Ive lived most of my adult life alone)..

That sounds sad, nipper.
I think that understanding yourself really helps. If DH were to say to me "I wish I could tell when you need a hug. I'd hate it if you thought I didn't care" I'd melt in a puddle at his feet.

Don't give up! Find ways of communicating with your loved ones. Help them understand, and try and understand them too.

I went out this morning to try to choose a birthday present for myself. I've tried doing this in previous years but gave up because it made me miserable. And it's made me miserable again today. I have a better understanding of why DH can't do it, in fact it was my wretched birthday last year that precipitated the crisis leading to his diagnosis. It's still making me sad though.

Women are much more difficult to buy for unless they have a specific hobby.. otherwise it's; flowers.. chocolate.. perfume.. bag.. coat.. in that order, is how i usually deal with that problem.

Well the problem, to me, is not that he can't decide what to buy. It's that he can't or won't express affection by celebrating a birthday.

Yeah, DH is all about efficiency.

He can't enjoy something that's in his opinion overpriced.

I actually find men far harder to buy for than women.

Christmas is a joy- he starts early and gets whatever seems good value. While I'm still looking around and wondering what people would like, he's bought vast amounts of good value stuff, allocated it and probably wrapped it.

SalitaeDiscesa same issue here. It upsets me that he doesn't see birthdays/anniversaries/calendar events as an OPPORTUNITY to show affectation, when it doesn't occur to hi to do it spontaneously.

He comes up with a cracker of a present about once every 5 years or so. Other than that - awful.

Nipperless yes. That sounds familiar.

Pickle - yes, mine also sees the price of everything and the value of nothing.

I don't like accepting gifts and giving them is a mixed bag.. what if you spent too little/too much, got the wrong size or colour and make.. it's a mine field.. I tend to buy gadgets for people.

Sorry to change the subject.
I've just blown up in an absolute rage again.
I called him a dick head infront of the kids and threw a metal casserole dish at the cupboard.
The dishwasher has broken. It is not cleaning dishes properly and hasn't been for weeks. After a few weeks of DH systematically continuing to load the dishwasher despite it not cleaning, we had a chat about either:
A) not using it anymore
B) Getting it fixed
He does not want to pay out to get it fixed (no surprise there) so after showing him the dirty cups, he communicated that we would no longer use the dishwasher.

Fast forward 2 weeks.
I've cooked dinner. He starts to clear up afterwards. After dinner I make hot drinks as he is cleaning up and notice my clean cup is dirty. At the same time, I notice he is loading the dishwasher

"What are you doing?"
"Stuff isn't coming out that dirty anymore."
But still dirty.
I open the dishwasher to discover a raw chicken knife with chicken juices on next to our baby's beakers.
I have lost the plot.
I have bellowed "there is a difference between wanting the dishwasher to clean our dishes and it actually cleaning our God damn dishes!!"
I then called him a dick head.
DC1 heard and asked what a dick head was. He has stood staring at me like a crazy woman. I then asked him why he agreed to not use it if hes going to blindly continue using it. He doesn't know. But he still doesn't disagree that it can't be used.

He then says he will just wash "his" crockery through the dishwasher. I've then had to go on to explain that none of the crockery is fucking his and I've thrown the casserole tin in a rage at the cupboard and bent it.

I'm turning into a mad woman.

He is undiagnosed but definitely on the ASD spectrum. Don't know how long I can live with this shit, but darent leave him to parent/run a household without me either. I know I can't go on like this though.

I've had to empty the dishwasher and re-wash everything before I start work.

He is making life so much harder than it need to be. Is it me?

No, it's not you.

It's the thousand tiny pinpricks of not-seeing what you mean, not communicating, not getting it that slowly smother the emotional connection and the ability to work together.

The emotional connection died a while ago. I've just been trying to keep things civil and pleasant when we are with the children. We have a great time as a family when we are having fun. But that is just one small element of our week and not quite "real life" as such. We can't work together as a team to run our household at all. The problem is that he rebels and can't seem to help it so I am better to say nothing.

It is all so complex.

He is not the same person in public as he is at home either as he seems to go from Mr dependable and helpful to Man-child at home.

I guess he has left me no choice but to pay for someone to fix it if he is going to continue using it anyway. I guess that is one way showing him the consequences of going against what we have agreed and risking the health of everyone in our home.

Today I've had DH ( no diagnosis but I very strongly suspect he is ASD as did CAMHS) agreeing with DS (adult, diagnosed ASD plus other stuff) about things DH and I had discussed today (!) that DS did that was was not acceptable.

DH agreed with DS and sidelined and rebutted me. . Reason? "he didn't do it just now"

But we'd discussed this and agreed DS general behaviour every day wasn't OK. Including what he did, again, tomight

But he's done it every other time, had done it less tha. 10 mins earlier and we'd discussed this today and we agreed to say x if he did it again!

But when DS did do it again, DH said that !

I'm fuming, so fucking angry, but so resigned as its 40 years of this shit with DH and 20 years with DS.
And no one outside listens, because I cope so well and help them both and ASC won't do anything unless we evict DS so only then will they step in as he's then he's a vulnerable adult.

I don't know what to do, as DH has now gone back on everything he's said previously.

DS is a bully, abusive particularly to. Me but to both of us.
I can't live like this any more
"

As I'm over 60, maybe I should tell ASC I'm a vulnerable adult whose being abused by DS? Tried in the past to get a Carers Assessment when DS was first diagnosed aged 17,they said we didn't meet the threshold ( probably because I held it all together, oh so well)

Its a tough page for me to read. Im not alone! That combination of utter focusedness (is that even a word?) even when its to the detriment of others, stinginess and then spending loads of money on their things, lack of connection and then being pawed, no knowledge of what other people would like even though you'll have lived with them for years. And years of utter loneliness. Im giving you all a hug. I know we dont do that on mumsnet but i dont care

No, it's not you, it's not us.

It's also not them - in that it's not deliberate.

Doesn't make the hurt and exasperation any less difficult to live with. I listed all the things DH did/does which the law would say is citable as unreasonable behaviour in a divorce. There were more than a dozen.

In a NT man it could be seen as being abusive, certainly the way finances operated here would be. But, he's not MEANING to be controlling about money, he just wants to do it alone incase I mess up. Annoyingly, he is better at it than me.

Still, it's not acceptable in a marriage. And, it's not going to change. And that is very, very difficult to tolerate. If I tell other people about it they'd say "that's abuse, you have to leave" - but, it's nuanced, it's not abuse, it's just him managing stuff the way he thinks is best.

Father's Day looms. What does one get a man who wants nothing because it is a waste of money - but, you absolutely don't want your kids to learn that you don't need to be able to choose gifts and be thoughtful and grateful in life?

I would suggest making/crafting something.. it can be free/cheap. A painted rock sticks in my mind.. painted bright blue, with seagulls and balloons... "You Rock..".. but it's not in my possession anymore..

Have any of you tried think about boundaries? They are very different in our type of marriages.

You look at an issue and decide whose problem it is. Then you address the problem if it is yours.

So take the dishwasher. The problem is that dishes are being put in the malfunctioning dishwasher, and may make the family ill. Whose problem is that? Yours because you don't want the family to be ill. How can it be fixed? Pay for it.

Then he has a problem- you spent money fixing the dishwasher. But it's his problem. He has to decide what to do.

If what he does is sulk and grumble about it- you get to decide if that is a problem for you or not.

My life got much easier when I started solving my problems unilaterally, and ignoring anything that wasn't my problem.

Does that make any sense?

Great advice @picklemepopcorn.
To be fair, I would have preferred to avoid getting the dishwasher fixed for a while until we have saved a little more money so the answer I thought wss not to use it.

DH then created a problem by again, using it. I guess that becomes my problem again through worry of us getting ill? So it brings us back to getting it fixed straight away?

I like that way of looking at things. I would prefer to spend the money than risk us getting ill.

It really helps with those feelings of being trapped and powerless. Our world was boundaried by his needs/wants/preferences. He tended not to think of mine where we didn't agree because of course I was wrong. I however constantly thought ahead to avoid things that would bother him. Now it's much more equal.