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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me with my juvenile stupidity

110 replies

owlflight · 05/03/2019 11:20

Last week, I discovered my partner had been using a massage service and keeping it from me. It cost hundreds of pounds when we have been saving very hard for our house deposit. I felt very upset and decieved, especially when he said that it wasn't a secret and that many of friends knew he had been going, but now he said that he had stopped. Stupidly I bought a payg sim phone and began to send him anonymous what's up and text messages to him, advertising the service from the website, to see if he really was still interested. They were all taken from the website, advertising their services, although some of the wording was slightly more suggestive in tone. I wish to god that I never done anything so stupid, because ofcourse none of the 10 or so messages were invited, he saw it as harrasement and went to the police with them. Our relationship has since ended, which although upsetting is the best course of action for both of us. However now I am sick with fear that the police will trace the messages back to me. It would be very easy to do so, also who else would have been bothered to send them in the first place. When he asked me if I had sent them or knew who had, ofcourse I lied and said no.I have never ever ever done anything like this before, or been in any sort of trouble with the law. He didn't tell me what course of action the police would take and I didn't ask. We have not been in contact since and there are no plans in the future to ever have contact again, apart from the sorting out the money over the house deposit, and occasional visits to my daughter who he has become very close to him.
Does anyone who works for the police know if they will go to the phone provider and ask for the IMEI number GPS location etc. I cannot stress how much I wish I had never done anything like this. Please I cannot speak about this to anyone, because they will think I am completely mad, which I think I was at the time. Should I go to the police and confess, I cannot sleep or eat for fear and worry. Please any advice would be a lifeline for me.

OP posts:
combatbarbie · 05/03/2019 15:08

This is a lot of hysteria OP, why did the relationship finish?

ShesABelter · 05/03/2019 15:09

The police WILL NOT waste their time on looking into harassment for ten text messages offering a service. NO WAY. My sister was getting stalked. Texts, calls, him turning up outside the house and was told they couldn't do anything until he made a threat. The police WILL NOT charge anyone for harassment.

Calm down!

Also he never went to the police and is was a prostitute. Although the one up page linked to appears not to be.

Original poster
owlflight · 05/03/2019 15:17

The site is dodgy. How did you discover he went there?

I don't know if he definitely went there it was on the laptop browser.
I never use to suffer from anxiety but since being with him and being let I guess with finances and other things I guess I have become increasingly anxious over whether or not I am being told the truth about things. He would also often say some very unkind things to me and then apologise or deny that he had said them in the first place.

OP posts:
Original poster
owlflight · 05/03/2019 15:27

ShesABelter really that is utterly terrifying...and that they really didn't do anything? my messages were absolutely never threatening, just advertising the service, but of course completely unwanted and can still be deemed as harassment according to the law.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/03/2019 15:28

What the other respondents have told you. Please do not worry about any potential harassment claim. He has lied to you repeatedly and has deliberately tried to frighten you re the police as well.

re an earlier comment a poster made to you re your daughter:-

"you need to cut ties between him & your DD. She’ll be sad, but she’ll be safe".

Absolutely. He is no good for your DD aged 8 either.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Some counselling for your own self to unlearn the rubbish that you learnt along the way will be good for you (and in turn your daughter).

Please also enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid.

saccade · 05/03/2019 15:33

He would also often say some very unkind things to me and then apologise or deny that he had said them in the first place.

This is it - he has made you a nervous wreck second guessing yourself.

This is very damaging and abusive, and other posters will be along shortly and have fantastic advice re this.

saccade · 05/03/2019 15:35

Oh my goodness, in fact everything you said: he has done a number on you: please follow Attila's advice, and do the Freedom Program:

I never use to suffer from anxiety but since being with him and being let I guess with finances and other things I guess I have become increasingly anxious over whether or not I am being told the truth about things. He would also often say some very unkind things to me and then apologise or deny that he had said them in the first place.

Miffymeow · 05/03/2019 15:36

OP he didn't go to the police, it was obviously you and he knows that, and was trying to scare you into confessing so he can put blame you and call you crazy etc and all the other things that they do when they have been caught (anything to take the spotlight off himself).

He is a shitty person to spend so much money on this behind your back when you have been saving so hard (even if it wasn't on prostitutes, which I'm sure it was, otherwise he would tell you / go to somewhere nearby... who on earth travels that far to talk and have a massage), and he is not a reliable partner, so you've had a lucky escape from a life with this person.

Even in the small chance that he has gone to the police (almost certainly hasn't), they wouldn't have been quoting all that stuff to him, he's looked that up and told you to scare you. Police won't care about 10 messages, they would just thank him for the report. I knew a girl in university who got harassed by multiple people for months trying to terrorise her and she had to repeatedly report it for a long long time before they did anything, and even then I think they still just thanked her for report to be honest, they have worse things to sort out.

Also, even if they did catch you, they will find out your side of the story, say they are sorry to hear about your awful ex partner, and tell you not to do it again.

Please don't worry OP, we've all done silly things at some point, trust me. I'm sure most people have a story like this one at some point in their lives. x

Milomonster · 05/03/2019 16:16

Please look up gaslighting.

Ok so you are not sure he went. It was open on a browser. What makes you think he’s been messing around then?

I think, for your own sake, you need to establish hard facts. Your anxiety seems to be out of control and I really think you should talk to an absuse charity.

Original poster
owlflight · 05/03/2019 16:38

Miffymew thank you so much for taking the time to write such a well thought out, clear and rational reply. I feel better for reading these words and those of the people before who took time to write their thoughts. I still obviously hugely regret what I did, it was a stupid and silly thing to have done but maybe I think I am almost certainly better off without him although still very raw from it ending last week. Many thnks everybody. I am also sorry for anyone who has received unwanted text messages and worse. It is a very stupid and cowardly thing to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
owlflight · 05/03/2019 16:39

Milomonster He definitely went, he told me as such.

OP posts:
combatbarbie · 05/03/2019 17:00

He definately went, he told me as such unless you physically saw him with the police, he's gaslighting you.

Again OP, why did the relationship end.....? It may give us something else to help you see how wrong this relationship was.

tattooq · 05/03/2019 17:19

That advert you posted is 100% a prostitute, hence the reference to a 'discreet' house and 'gentlemen'. Honestly OP he hasn't been to the police, he is just trying to scare you because he knows you sent those messages. Prostitutes won't send suggestive messages for fear of the John getting caught by their wives, so it was obviously you who sent them. Please stop worrying, the police won't do anything about it because a few texts does not make for a prosecutable harassment case.

Frecklesonmyarm · 05/03/2019 17:23

What do you think he told the police? 'I have been to a hooker now she is harassing me?'

OliviaBenson · 05/03/2019 17:34

Why do you believe him so easily Op? He didn't go to the police. Just because he said he did- he's lying!

He used prostitutes and he didn't go to the police. He's trying to scare you.

The police won't show up at your door.

I think you need to go to counselling to work through all this. You need to see him for what he is, a lying manipulative abuser.

Gina2012 · 05/03/2019 17:36

Your ex is a lying twat

Do not believe him - he is playing you for a fool

You have done nothing wrong - the police will never contact you about the texts

Stay away from your ex and DO NOT BELIEVE HIM

PCohle · 05/03/2019 17:39

Why would he even go to the police anyway?

If I was getting weird texts offering sex from an unknown number I'd reply "sorry you must have the wrong number" and if they carried on, block the number. I wouldn't waste the police's time with it!

He's talking shite.

HappyLife21 · 05/03/2019 17:47

OP, the only reason that advert says it’s not a sexual service is because she’s not supposed to be advertising.

If it were not sexual why would she specify ‘mutual respect’ and ‘gentlemen’ and a ‘discrete house’?

IM0GEN · 05/03/2019 17:49

OP, how often did he go to Liverpool for this service and how much did it cost? Because you mention it was a lot of money and you were spending all your own money on what you thought was for your future.

Cam you say more about this?

Patroclus · 05/03/2019 18:00

Have a look at what private investigators get away with tracking people. Much more serious stuf than sending some fake suggestive texts, but still legal.

Dont speak to the police (i.e ring them yourself). Theyy will have no interest in this, but in general just dont cooperate with the police with their 'going in for a chat' shit unless they actually arrest you for something or if you are a witness/ have information you want to give.

Dancingtothemusicoftime · 06/03/2019 09:10

Dear OP, please, please stop worrying. I was a police officer and I absolutely assure you that he is gas-lighting and manipulating you. He is not a good man, he is a liar.

The police are massively over-stretched - many of my friends are still serving and barely know which way is up, such is their work load and the pressure on the service.

As many others have already said, he has googled that information- his story has not one shred of credibility and you are well rid of this Walter Mitty.

If you haven't done so already, chuck the phone away and move on with your life. There will be no knock on your door from any police officer - he didn't go to see them and is simply seeking to terrify you as he recognises your vulnerability. What a nasty shit he is!

And even if there were the remotest possibility that he had gone to see them (he didn't), just exactly would he have said?? 'Err, Officer, I've had a few unsolicited messages from services offering massage and I feel harrassed?'Come on OP, he's lying and he is simply trying to deflect as he knows you have sussed out his use of prostitutes!

Forget him, keep your DD away from him, and do make sure your money is safe - I assume he has no access to your accounts?

Original poster
owlflight · 06/03/2019 14:51

Dear all thank you so so much for replying and todancingtothe musicoftime for taking the time to explain things to me. The reassurance is greatly needed and being listened to. I have today visited the bank to closed our joint account. I feel worried and stupid but your last message does make great sense to me. We, my daughter and I are going back to stay with my mum for a bit ,and think about a different future for us. Thank you again for your help, thank you.

OP posts:
Dancingtothemusicoftime · 06/03/2019 23:07

I think that's really sensible, OP - time with your mum and DD will give you space to think and plan a different future.

Please, please don't be swayed if he tries to reel you back in - he is a manipulative tosser and you and your daughter deserve infinitely better.

Come back to the board if you need more support - there is an Army of mumsnetters on your side Thanks

donajimena · 06/03/2019 23:20

If it helps, my friend who is being harassed by her ex can't even get the police to take it seriously (its very genuine too) they have promised to come and take a statement but that was 3 weeks ago. I'm not blaming the police. As has been said they are overstretched.

curly45 · 06/03/2019 23:47

If it's any reassurance for you, my ex did far, far worse stuff than that and I even had proof it was him. All the Police could do was issue a PIN (Police information Notice) where they basically warned him that if there were more incidents, they would look to take it further. It had to reach several months of very unsettling incidents to even get to that point so I wouldn't worry about a few text messages.