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Original poster

Please help me with my juvenile stupidity

110 replies

owlflight · 05/03/2019 11:20

Last week, I discovered my partner had been using a massage service and keeping it from me. It cost hundreds of pounds when we have been saving very hard for our house deposit. I felt very upset and decieved, especially when he said that it wasn't a secret and that many of friends knew he had been going, but now he said that he had stopped. Stupidly I bought a payg sim phone and began to send him anonymous what's up and text messages to him, advertising the service from the website, to see if he really was still interested. They were all taken from the website, advertising their services, although some of the wording was slightly more suggestive in tone. I wish to god that I never done anything so stupid, because ofcourse none of the 10 or so messages were invited, he saw it as harrasement and went to the police with them. Our relationship has since ended, which although upsetting is the best course of action for both of us. However now I am sick with fear that the police will trace the messages back to me. It would be very easy to do so, also who else would have been bothered to send them in the first place. When he asked me if I had sent them or knew who had, ofcourse I lied and said no.I have never ever ever done anything like this before, or been in any sort of trouble with the law. He didn't tell me what course of action the police would take and I didn't ask. We have not been in contact since and there are no plans in the future to ever have contact again, apart from the sorting out the money over the house deposit, and occasional visits to my daughter who he has become very close to him.
Does anyone who works for the police know if they will go to the phone provider and ask for the IMEI number GPS location etc. I cannot stress how much I wish I had never done anything like this. Please I cannot speak about this to anyone, because they will think I am completely mad, which I think I was at the time. Should I go to the police and confess, I cannot sleep or eat for fear and worry. Please any advice would be a lifeline for me.

OP posts:
pearldeodorant · 05/03/2019 12:32

Completely agree the police wouldn't give a damn. He knows it was you

Original poster
owlflight · 05/03/2019 12:33

Do you really think hat the CPS and police have nothing better to do?

I really do not know...that is why I am asking for help? Thank you for all of you for taking the time to write back

OP posts:
Drogosnextwife · 05/03/2019 12:37

No he's really not an honest person and now should be the time you realise that he's probably been lying to you about all sorts. He didn't go to the police he's trying to scare you. Stop letting this creep gaslight you.

Ohjustboreoff · 05/03/2019 12:37

After your ex made the complaint to the police did you send anymore messages or did you stop?
If you stopped that "if" he did make a complaint the police would have seen this as just one incident and you need two or more incidents to make it a course of conduct that would amount to harassment.
Just thank your lucky stars that you've got rid of the loser and rest assured all the officers that heard his complaint would be pissing themselves with laughter and making fun of him.

saccade · 05/03/2019 12:44

It was like a health and wellbeing therapist who give advice on lifestyle changes, and then massage toxins away. He drove many hundreds miles to go there, which I also didn't understand because we live in London, where everything is available.

Yep, prostitute

SparklyMagpie · 05/03/2019 12:49

Did the cause the split?

And fwiw pretty sure he knew it was you, he wouldn't have gone to the police and explained it

BlueJag · 05/03/2019 12:52

Please don't worry. The police won't question you and even if they did you can explain what you where trying to do because you suspect he was visiting up to no good.
He isn't naive and sounds like you dodged a bullet.
Please don't worry anymore. Just think about the millions of people that need the police for serious matters.
I'll personally would stop all contact with him. Who knows what he is up to.

Original poster
owlflight · 05/03/2019 12:56

I completely stopped..I would never do something so stupid again..I was just so confused hurt, I guess that he seemed to have such little regard for me. He liked to spend large amounts of money on things for himself, which I understand, it's his money, but he never did it in secret like this and then he said 'he had told me', then he said he hadn't, because 'he hadn't had the time', then he said, 'he didn't want to tell me because he knew that I probably not be that pleased about it'...it was all very upsetting, confusing and the final disappointment I guess. I said it was like he was trying to gas light me, at which point he went absolutely mad at me...although I still love him, but not enough to carry on like this. And now of course I think the police will investigate, although the only thing that is getting me through the day is, that they weren't threatening, or hurtful messages, just unwanted, which of course is still a cause distress.

OP posts:
Frecklesonmyarm · 05/03/2019 12:56

Hang on!!! He was going for a genuine well being massage.

You then text him, pretending to be from the place and sent increasingly 'suggestive'.

If I went for a massage and a man who worked there kept texting me and sending me suggestive texts messages, I would possi le complain to the police as well. If he isn't responding it could be harassment.

Why on earth do you think it's ok, to test to see if he wants to go for a spa session or not?

If a man bought a phone to text his girlfriend to test if she want to go for a pedicure or not to catch her put, the words controlling and abusive would be included.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/03/2019 13:03

With a PAYG sim, if you aren't using it anymore then they can't trace it.
Stop believing his lies.
He is NOT an honest man.
He travels hundreds of miles and spends hundreds of pounds on prostitutes.
Get an STI check and be very thankful you found all this out.
Get on with your life and please.... stop worrying about this.
Nothing will happen.

Original poster
owlflight · 05/03/2019 13:04

Exactly...I can see exactly my actions were wrong, that's why I think the police will investigate.

OP posts:
PCohle · 05/03/2019 13:04

There is no reason to go to a very expensive "health and well-being masseuse" miles outside of London. He was absolutely using prostitutes.

I sincerely doubt he has actually contacted the police. He will have just googled harassment legislation eg www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/discrimination/taking-action-about-discrimination/taking-action-about-harassment/ He has just worked out it was you and is trying to panic you.

Even if he did contact the police they are very unlikely to spend time looking into this. If, miraculously, they do and work out it was you, they will probably discuss it with you and tell you not to do it again - especially if you are remorseful, as you obviously are.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/03/2019 13:05

He was going for a genuine well being massage
NO HE WASN'T!!!!!

IncrediblySadToo · 05/03/2019 13:14

The police really will not be interested in tracking down a pay as you go sim from Argos over 10 messages.

Really they won’t.

Something weird is going on. You’ve done the right thing leaving him, but you need to cut ties between him & your DD. She’ll be sad, but she’ll be safe.

Original poster
owlflight · 05/03/2019 13:15

The other thing is when something that inspired him, he has always in the past shared that joy with me yet suddenly this was all happening in secret...I think that's what made me go crazy upset with it all. Would it not be better do you think do go to the police myself, i don't know how many more days I can carry on for waiting for a possible knock on the door.

OP posts:
maximumcarnage · 05/03/2019 13:17

The police won't care, seriously. These days they wont show up to peoples homes when they are in the process of being burgeled let alone anything else. Worse case scenario they do find out it's you? They will just caution you, at worst. So don't worry about it, put it behind you and move on with your life. Meet someone who is going to make you happy and not run off behind your back and rack up hefty bills for a massage...or sex...or whatever it is he actually paid for.

AnnaFiveTowns · 05/03/2019 13:19

The police would not waste any time with this. He's been googling and found legal jargon to make it all sound plausible; he knows it's you. Thank God you're rid of him now.

AnnaFiveTowns · 05/03/2019 13:21

Oh and please don't believe that he was just going for a massage!

WhoKnewBeefStew · 05/03/2019 13:21

I very much doubt he’d have reported a massage place he frequented to the police... he’d pretty much be saying ‘hi mr plod, I’ve been paying for sex and now I’m reporting them for texting me’

Op throw away the sim and never ever see him again - he’s a slim ball

Original poster
owlflight · 05/03/2019 13:22

Thank you so much for your thoughts on this
He drove all the way to Liverpool from London, that's also what I couldn't understand, but equally now I can't believe why i did what I did either. I know the police service are very stretched, but I thought for Harrasement claims they do take these things very seriously. i am sick with worry with it all, but I do feel better for now not being with him anymore.

OP posts:
Patroclus · 05/03/2019 13:26

The police really, really wont be interested. Just burn the sim card if you're that worried. Dont think you've even done anything illegal. As for him soliciting, the police would be a lot more interested in that if he wanted to make a thing of it.

HollowTalk · 05/03/2019 13:27

I don't understand any of this. He drove hundreds of miles for a massage? Why would he do that? What's his explanation? He could have got anything he wanted within a five mile radius.

I wondered whether he had some kind of fetish but someone willing to indulge that could be found easier in London than somewhere else.

I've no idea why you started to text him but I wouldn't worry about the police. Haven't you heard about all the crime going on now? You sent a few messages to someone asking if he wanted a massage. You didn't threaten him. He could've blocked your number after the first message. It's interesting that he didn't.

I can't imagine his conversation with the police. "I was driving hundreds of miles for a massage and I've had texts from the massage service asking if I want to go back again." Well, yes, that's such a huge crime. He'd be laughed out of the station.

It's obvious (to us) that he didn't go to the police. He has guessed it's you. He's trying to get you to admit it so that he has the upper hand.

Dump him now, OP.

maximumcarnage · 05/03/2019 13:28

You have a serious guilt complex don't you? Reminds me of my childhood. The whole family went into a supermarket to buy some groceries one day which included one of those hot roast chickens. Anyway turned out they hadn't actually charged for the chicken. When mum realised she wanted to go back into the store to pay for it. No one else did so they just sat in the car and devoured the chicken. She felt so guilty about it she refused to eat a single bite.

Don't be sick with worry about it, I know it's easier said than done but you have nothing to worry about. Last I check the death penalty had been withdrawn and I am pretty sure public lynchings for unwarranted texts have also stopped. Have a gulp of stiff whisky, and move on with your life.

IncrediblySadToo · 05/03/2019 13:32

Seriously, stop worrying. It’s 10 texts to your ex. That’s all. They aren’t going to give a toss. They aren’t going to piss about finding a pay as you go phone sim to sniff you out for trying to see if your weird ex would take the bait from a massage service.

They have FAR bigger fish to fry than you.

Just keep your DD well away from him. Well away.

Get yourself tested.

Frecklesonmyarm · 05/03/2019 13:37

NO HE WASN'T!!!!!

I know he wasnt and you know he wasnt.

So from the ops point of view either

A, she genuinely believes it was a therapeutic massage, I which case her behaviour is bat shit crazy. Sending suggestive texts and pretending they are from a woman just trying to do her perfectly legal job?

Or

B, She knows it prostitutes, which is why she sent suggestive messages. To try and get him to reply. If she knows it prostitutes she knows full well, he is unlikely to have reported this to the police.

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