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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does it always feel like rape if that's what it is?

57 replies

Pinkypie22 · 04/03/2019 23:22

Strange question I know, but just wondering if it's just me. I know that I said repeatedly that I didn't want to, among other things. So surely it's technically rape if they continue. I'm confused because I felt nothing. I shed a few tears but didn't have any real feeling/emotion. I didn't feel scared or panicked. Just kind of accepted what was going to happen. Is this weird? Will it hit me at some point in the future? And is it still rape if he was blind drunk? Mayne that's why I didn't feel anything about it.

OP posts:

Colabottle10 · 04/03/2019 23:25

Yes. That is rape. There are no right and wrong ways to feel about it.

You said no, they didn't stop.

I hope you are in a safe place.

kingfisherblue33 · 04/03/2019 23:27

I think rape will feel different if you’re being raped by your partner or a stranger.

If you said repeatedly you didn’t want to, you were raped.

If he is blind drink, it’s still rape.

(You can’t use being drunk as an excuse for committing a crime. ‘I’m sorry I murdered him, but I was a bit pissed!’)

Could you go to the police and report your rape?

newtlover · 04/03/2019 23:27

well, you know it was
you are coping the best way you can, and right now that'a shutting off any feelings
I'm really sorry this has happened to you and you should get some support in real life

IM0GEN · 04/03/2019 23:30

Yes it’s rape. Not technically but actually.

A crime is still a crime, even if the perpetrator is drunk or high. Otherwise drunk driving or stabbing someone when you are high wouldn’t be a crime , would it?

Many women feel frozen or blank afterwards, it’s a kind of coping mechanism. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. The feelings may catch up on you, sometimes random things will trigger it.

Would you consider talking to a counsellor or going to Rape Crisis ?

Have you been to a doctor ? Do you need the MAP and an STI check ?

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. But you have done the right thing to post here for advice and support.

azulmariposa · 04/03/2019 23:32

So sorry that this has happened. Yes it is rape. Even if he was drunk.
Please get help. I know you may think that you didn't feel anything, but it will kick in.

FamilyReferee · 04/03/2019 23:37

You don't even have to say 'no' repeatedly. The minute you say no just a single time, and they ignore you, it is rape. It can even be rape if you don't say no, depending on what is going on. Consent should be positive & present in action & word.

Original poster

Pinkypie22 · 04/03/2019 23:40

I thought about reporting it to the police, but I've been there before and unfortunately it's not an experience I would like to repeat. I have also considered the MAP but was unable to go and get it today. Tomorrow might be too late, need to Check how many days it's effective for.

Thank you for all the support.

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AutumnCrow · 04/03/2019 23:42

72 hours but the sooner the better.

Original poster

Pinkypie22 · 04/03/2019 23:57

In which case I will be too late by the morning

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SonataDentata · 05/03/2019 00:32

Isn’t there a different brand of morning after pill that you can take for longer, I think maybe even up to a week after sex?

AutumnCrow · 05/03/2019 00:35

Yes, if you can get to a sexual health clinic or walk-in, there are more options than from an OTC pharmacy.

AutumnCrow · 05/03/2019 00:39

P.s. Google and ring ahead to be sure.

So sorry btw 💐

Meandwinealone · 05/03/2019 00:56

Everyone deals with things differently. No one can tell you how you might feel. But feeling numb or nothing initially is not unsurprising.

Every reaction is highly personal. Don’t feel bad about your reaction one way or the other.

Original poster

Pinkypie22 · 05/03/2019 09:22

Thank you everyone. Ilk probably wake up one morning furious about it

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 05/03/2019 09:28

Yes this was rape.
And it will probably hit you hard at some point.
Please contact Rape Crisis and get some specialist counselling to cope with this.
Right now you are numb and in shock.
You will need some support.
And definitely report it to the police.

GregoryPeckingDuck · 05/03/2019 09:35

Take has three elements

Penile penetration
No consent
No reasonable belief in consent

Feelings are not relevant.

GregoryPeckingDuck · 05/03/2019 09:36

It’s also perfectly valid to feel the way you do, not everyone responds the same way.

Bubblegumgal · 05/03/2019 09:40

It doesn’t always feel like rape. If it’s a partner that does it often we will try to justify the situation to ourselves to protect the image we have of them (and to protect them) ‘he was drunk’ ‘maybe he didn’t hear me’ ‘he just misjudged the situation it’s not that big a deal’ ‘maybe I’m remembering it differently’ etc etc.
I think the fear comes in when it’s a stranger, or when you feel like your life is under threat.

Motherofcreek · 05/03/2019 09:49

pinky you were raped. You know you was.

You have a son with this animal. You need to leave if only for the sake of your child. This the not normal behaviour of a good father or husband.

Hi behaviour is escalating. You’ve posted about him before. You need to leave before he damages your son and for your own safety.

Dig deep Pinky. This man is not going to change.

ChakiraChakra · 05/03/2019 09:51

oh lovely.

It can feel all sorts of things. Human psychology and the survival instinct are powerful things.

I had a similar sounding experience. I didn't even realise it was rape until years later and #Metoo and consent were being discussed widely. In fact I still have trouble believing that it was, because I eventually said yes (after 10+ times saying no and realising he really wouldn't go home and I really couldn't get him to, so better to consent than be forcibly raped, right? That's what my young and naive mind thought ) At the time I didn't feel scared and thought (stupidly) that his actions were because we were falling wonderfully in love and embarking on a new relationship together.

Original poster

Pinkypie22 · 05/03/2019 10:09

I'm starting to wonder if he didn't realise, if I wasn't clear enough. Because he is so used to getting his way and talking me round to unprotected sex, perhaps he just assumed i had reluctantly agreed again.

Motherofcreek I tried to get him to leave and I have reported everything to the police. (Other than this as it hadn't happened at that point). He basically blackmailed me so i had to let him come back 🙁

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picklemepopcorn · 05/03/2019 10:19

Oh Pinky, I'm so sorry.

Don't wonder if he didn't realise. He didn't care. If he had cared he would have realised. He chose not to. He knew he was going to have sex with you regardless of whether you agreed.

Please get help. Please.

Bubblegumgal · 05/03/2019 10:40

@Pinkypie22 you’re not alone. I was the same, better to try and explain it all away as being ‘normal’ rather than face the scary truth. Over time I came to the realisation that no excuse that I could come up with in my head would take away from the fact that it happened & as a pp said it wasn’t that he didn’t hear you, or was too drunk...he just didn’t care (about your autonomy or consent)

Motherofcreek · 05/03/2019 10:50

Pinky love, it doesn’t matter if he didn’t realise. You can’t honestly want to stay with a man who gets so drunk you have to worry that’s he is going to over power you and force his penis inside you again.

With out this he was horrible. With this new act of degradation he has just taken it to a new level. You are not a piece of meat to have sex on. He knew what he was doing. He didn’t care.

He has ground you down to the point you are confused and questioning what is acceptable. This is not a kind man. He has violated you.

If he did this to a friend who was staying over he would be in a jail cell. His drunk excuse would simply not stand.

Please don’t hang on to a relationship because you hanker for the good old days. He raped you love. He has already assaulted you.

On a serious note and I’m not trying to scare you, you have a responsibility to keep your son in a safe space. This man isn’t safe. There maybe a time in future you could be asked by social services why you continued to allow this man around your child. Don’t let this man put you in that position. You and your child are worth more.

Original poster

Pinkypie22 · 05/03/2019 10:52

Bubblegumgal I think you are most likely right. It generally feels like he only cares about himself in most situations. But then he did express surprise after that he had hurt me. So maybe he didn't hear after all.

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