Does it always feel like rape if that's what it is?

[Pinkypie22]

Strange question I know, but just wondering if it's just me. I know that I said repeatedly that I didn't want to, among other things. So surely it's technically rape if they continue. I'm confused because I felt nothing. I shed a few tears but didn't have any real feeling/emotion. I didn't feel scared or panicked. Just kind of accepted what was going to happen. Is this weird? Will it hit me at some point in the future? And is it still rape if he was blind drunk? Mayne that's why I didn't feel anything about it.

Motherofcreek I know you are right. He isn't a nice man. I'm trying to keep my son safe. I thought that going to the police would help but it hasn't.

But then he did express surprise after that he had hurt me. So maybe he didn't hear after all

Get wise to that love. He knows he has you questioning yourself.

What happened when you went to the police last time?

You don’t - if you don’t want to - have to go to the police now.

You could simply pack his stuff and lock him out.

No big argument.

I read on here a while ago about a woman with a violent agressive partner who would not leave. I think she started off by ringing 101 and explaining her situation. That he was aggressive and was scared to ask him to leave. She had good support of them and they arranged to come round at a set time whilst he was in and they told him he had to leave and took his key off him. They gave him time to collect his stuff and escorted him out.

Why don’t you try that? You’ve got to get him out.

pinky how are you creating a safe space or your son when his mum is being forced on in the next room?

Because if I make him leave we could end up in an even worse situation unfortunately.

What’s worse than being raped and having your son grow up around this animal?

What would the situation be?

Sweetheart, you're so used to his abusive behaviour that life without him, however difficult, is more frightening to you than being raped.

Tell the police what happened. Tell them what happened last time when you went to them.

You deserve to be safe in your home and so does your son (he's not mentally safe if his mother isn't safe).

Oh OP I have read your other threads - you sound numb and resigned to it given that it has been systematic sexual and financial abuse

Can you call the police and get him out and a restraining order.

@PinkyPie22 after I confronted my assaulter he reacted shocked and confused. It wasn’t something that he would have done sober. But even a drunk version of him is still him. Being under the influence doesn’t remove his responsibility to be a decent human being. He’ll still know right from wrong. Alcohol doesn’t make someone feel entitled to someone else’s body. It doesn’t make them have no regard for consent... that’s him doing those things

A lot of people dissociate after trauma, feel nothing and/or numb. That doesn't mean it wasn't rape, that is a normal reaction (of many normal reactions).
There is an assumption everyone would be scrubbing their skin raw and disgusted/repulsed etc. That's not the case. Some people go the other way and refuse to wash at all. Others carry on as normal. There is no right or wrong reaction But what happened to you was wrong.
I'm so sorry.

Please go and speak to someone regarding emergency contraception. One of the MAPs lasts up to 5 days (but reduced efficacy) and they can sometimes insert an emergency coil for about 5 days after also.

Yes I think I am feeling numb about everything now. Not just this.

Please get some help, Pinky. It will be tough, but better than staying put. Can you face years like this?

Please speak to the rape helpline and speak to Women’s aid, this is not ok but it might take you to get outside of the current situation to realise just how not alright it really is

Yes, I think I've lost all perspective 😞

You have been trained up to think it's normal. It isn't. You and your DC deserve to live differently.

It's confusing because he did it so 'nicely', if that makes sense.

"It's confusing because he did it so 'nicely', if that makes sense."

Yes Pinky this does make sense. He has taught you that this is normal but it is NOT!! Abusive men are very clever at getting their 'victims' to believe that what is happening to them is normal and/or their fault, it;s why so many women stay in these relationships and don't speak out.
Please leave him if you feel you can. In the long run you and your son will be safer and happier. I know that is hard to believe at the moment but trust me you will be.

Yes he is very good at making me believe that I'm the unreasonable one. That I'm crazy, or nagging, or having a go at him etc

DARVO.
Deny
Accuse
Reverse victim and offender

"I wouldn't do that, I love you.
It's all in your head, you're always making stuff up, you're driving me mad
I can't take much more of this, if you loved me you wouldn't keep doing this to me"

That sounds very familiar

Have you done the freedom programme, Pinky? It's shocking how familiar it is.

A friend- exceptionally intelligent, mature, experienced woman- found herself in a relationship that her children had to point out to her was abusive. She was shocked when she did the freedom programme that there had been so many red flags she hadn't known about.

Don't feel bad- just make changes.

I did the online version but clearly it hasn't done me much good 🙄
I think I spotted most of the red flags, I've walked away from other people without a problem. He however is very manipulative and because I had just found out I was pregnant when I realised that his behaviour was a pattern not a one off, I stupidly fell for all the sweet talk and lies and gave him another chance and took him back. Of course I've been giving him chances ever since. And I hate myself for it.

Hating yourself is his tactic! He's encouraging you to feel that way. Yet another reason to bin him off!

Do you want your son to grow up like him?

Absolutely 100% no

I'm logging off for a while. There are things you need to do today. You need medical advice. One step at a time.

It's really hard when you're in a relationship. My ex raped me over and over again. It was his way of 'showing affection'. When I told him I didn't like him doing what he was doing to wake me up, he retaliated. It was all my fault and I didn't understand. It was as though he was using me as an inanimate sex toy, a headless, limbless thing with holes in it which he didn't have to clean.

Women's Aid and the police have been fantastic.

Please start getting some real life support. These abusers are monsters. Nothing will change them. It is who and what they are. Please try not to keep giving. He will keep taking. Have you heard of Grey Rock?

You will get there!