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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice re sex with DH

53 replies

ilovejacquescousteau · 04/03/2019 01:21

Back story. Been married 3 years. I have a very low sex drive. Have had a few marital problems which has probably contributed to lack of said sex drive. Probably have sex every 3 to 4 months. DH has been completely understanding, not pushy, still very loving etc.

We've been getting along much better recently and I was hormonal/horny so I initiated sex last night, early this afternoon and just now. First 2 times. Wow. Just like the beginning hence why I initiated the 3rd time.

I don't know what happened this time around but I hated it. I just laid there for 15 mins plus while he did what he did. At first I was enjoying it and reacting well and then I'm unsure if my mind just switched off and I started to hate it. Cried silent tears until I just couldn't take it anymore and told him to get off me. He has no idea what's happened, very upset etc. He said he didn't notice me not give ANY reaction at all as he was in the moment etc.

Right now I don't know what I'm thinking. I've asked him to sleep in the other room tonight. I know I may be completely over reacting and don't mind if anyone tells me so but in those 15-20 mins I felt so cheap and used and physically felt sick and I genuinely can't even explain why..

Am I just tired? Could I have stopped feeling sexual in an instant? Or should DH have been more aware of my reactions (or lack of) and stopped? I don't know what to think and can't even understand why I'm so confused.

OP posts:
RiversDisguise · 04/03/2019 02:14

I feel very very sorry for your DH, tbh.

You are making him into a villain by making him sleep in the spare room and saying he left you feeling used etc when you initiated sex ffs

You need to stop playing games and set him free.

Middlrm · 04/03/2019 02:34

I don’t think you husband did anything wrong to be honest you initiated sex and when you said stop he stopped so no he shouldn’t have blame.

Maybe he could have noticed but he didn’t

What happened to you in the past to make it this way as you pose some similarities to me In how I can feel and I have just clicked and wonder if it’s anything to do with my ex first time I have spoken to anyone about this but he basically pinned me down when I didn’t want sex even though I would fight beg and cry he wouldn’t stop until he was done , only happened twice in a 3 year relationship but it was pretty horrible ) this was all 14 years ago but as I write this may explain how sometimes I zone out and really just want sex to be over with though most tunes I enjoy it ( always had fairly high sex drive and husband is so gentle and sweet and always checks on me and pretty great at it to be honest ..love that man ❤️)

Ex was a bad relationship hence I got out... but perhaps that had a bigger effect than I ever realised.

I have shared this for the first time to perhaps give you courage to think about where this comes from x

Cornish83 · 04/03/2019 02:38

I think there’s probably some underlying problem that you need to explore with a counsellor. Your husband is being very understanding but you also need to do your bit by getting to the bottom of it and resolving this. Maybe some counselling alone and then together so you know what’s going on and then he can understand too.

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 04/03/2019 02:39

Op perhaps it will help us understand if you share more info about your past, right now DH is being punished for being attracted to you, how would he know you have issues unless you share them. He’s probably feeling like shit now

AlexaAmbidextra · 04/03/2019 02:53

Don’t try to make this into your DH’s fault. He’s done nothing wrong so don’t start to think you’ve been abused by him because you haven’t. I feel very sorry for him tbh. The poor sod must be feeling awful.

MrsTerryPratcett · 04/03/2019 03:12

If you lay there not moving for 15 minutes and then started crying, he should have noticed and I'm amazed he didn't. Enthusiastic consent would be more normal.

But what is going on? Because it sounds like there's some abuse in your past. Thanks

Sadiesnakes · 04/03/2019 03:42

I'd be very angry with you if I was your dh, not even sure you can come back from a rape accusation, only he didn't actually rape you, but basically what your saying.

You sound very unhinged. Get some counseling ASAP.

Cornish83 · 04/03/2019 03:56

OP is it that something had happened in the past to make you feel like this or have you always been put off by sex? Once every 3-4 months for a newly married couple is unusually low even with a low sex drive, could you be Asexual? Do you find other men sexually attractive? Or do you just feel self conscious?

Monty27 · 04/03/2019 04:11

You instigated sex 3 times in one day and now you're crying? Wtf Hmm

Original poster
ilovejacquescousteau · 04/03/2019 04:24

No abuse in the past as far as I'm aware.

I'm not too sure Re the low sex drive. We were fine at the beginning but as we started to have problems the sex dwindled and we've struggled to pick the momentum back up if that makes sense.

Thanks for the responses, as I said in my OP fully ready for people to tell me I was in the wrong, I just said felt very emotional at that point. I'm also not like this on a day to day, I'm completely devoid of emotion usually, maybe this is a PMT thing.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 04/03/2019 04:30

You have been married 3 years?! And have sex every 3 - 4 months?? OMG! I think it might be helpful to see someone about this. I am not saying you are 'in the wrong', just sad for you both

Monty27 · 04/03/2019 04:33

And then 3 times in one day 😂

SandyY2K · 04/03/2019 06:09

Banishing him to the spare room gives the message he did wrong. He didn't.

If this kind of behaviour continues, you could well find him checking out of the marriage. Over time his feelings will fade and then you'll say you're suprised because you got on so well.

I think you owe him an apology.

NewYoiker · 04/03/2019 06:11

I feel sorry for your husband but I also feel like you need to address your issues. It's not normal to be 'devoid of emotion'

ivykaty44 · 04/03/2019 06:16

Are you taking medication?

grumpyyetgorgeous · 04/03/2019 06:52

I think the real problem here was that you banished him to the spare room and sought comfort from mumsnetters. If you had asked him to stop, tried to explain how you were feeling and asked for a cuddle he could have supported you. Did you feel that he won't/can't support you? Is that part of the issue here?
Sounds like your hormones are very up and down at the moment, this may be worth checking out with a GP.

baileys6904 · 04/03/2019 06:54

How do you feel about sex in general? Do you have a good relationship with it? How has it been with other partners?

To me is sounds like you might have felt guilty or bad that you had felt 'horny' more than once. The fact you say 'horny/hormonal' almost implies that its a feeling that should be blamed on your body, rather than just fancying a bit! I think a counsellor is the way to go, but I also don't think your husband has done anything wrong and I do think a hug and an apology is the way to go. Please try get help, sex should be an enjoyable experi2nce and way of being close to your other half so it's a shame you're missing out on that. Hope all goes well for you

tattooq · 04/03/2019 07:00

What were the problems that led to the sex dwindling? I think it's important to look at the cause rather than the effect. In my case I have no desire to have sex with DP anymore as he has behaved awfully selfishly and he is so critical of me, he will not accept that his behaviour is the cause of my lack of sex drive and the only solution means him putting in work to be a more pleasant partner day to day. So we just aren't having sex while I get my ducks in a row

baileys6904 · 04/03/2019 07:28

Tattoo, just got to say so sorry to hear your tale. I've been there, had some nasty, nasty relationships and started believing that was all I was worth. I flew solo a while and got my mojo back. I now cringe as to what I put up with. Be strong and believe in yourself. Keep smiling

NotTheFordType · 04/03/2019 07:33

"I'm completely devoid of emotion usually"

This really isn't normal or healthy. Are you on anti depressants? As many of them can kill your libido.

Dillydallyingthrough · 04/03/2019 07:39

OP I do feel sorry for your DP, you initiated sex and then made him into the bad guy. I'm guessing in the future he will be very unsure when you initiate sex - you do need to work out what is going on, you say no abuse but could it be how you saw sex growing up? Did your parents give you the impression it was 'dirty' possibly?

@Middlrm I'm so sorry that happened to you, and I hate saying this but that is rape. You clearly didn't give consent. Please consider having some help or talking to someone if you feel affects you Flowers

littledinosaurs · 04/03/2019 07:51

OP you need to speak up earlier if this happens again. Your husband has a responsibility to make sure you're enjoying any sex you're having, but he's also not a mind reader and you have to trust that if he knew how you were feeling he would not want to continue.

Also, I don't think it's particularly uncommon to sometimes feel like stopping in the middle of sex occasionally.

ivykaty44 · 04/03/2019 08:11

Can you somehow rectify this situation? You need to sit and have a long conversation with your partner about what happened. I don’t think your actions were justified, at any point during sex you can stop but to them remove the other person from the bedroom is cruel I’m afraid.

BirdieInTheHand · 04/03/2019 08:21

dillydally calling this rape is really really unhelpful. Shame on you.

ShatnersWig · 04/03/2019 08:25

@BirdieInTheHand Shame on you for calling out another poster because you didn't read properly. @Dilly was NOT calling the OP's situation rape but is clearly responding to another poster who WAS talking about rape (as is abundantly clear from the use of that specific poster's username). Please apologise to @Dilly.

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