Advice re sex with DH

[ilovejacquescousteau]

Back story. Been married 3 years. I have a very low sex drive. Have had a few marital problems which has probably contributed to lack of said sex drive. Probably have sex every 3 to 4 months. DH has been completely understanding, not pushy, still very loving etc.

We've been getting along much better recently and I was hormonal/horny so I initiated sex last night, early this afternoon and just now. First 2 times. Wow. Just like the beginning hence why I initiated the 3rd time.

I don't know what happened this time around but I hated it. I just laid there for 15 mins plus while he did what he did. At first I was enjoying it and reacting well and then I'm unsure if my mind just switched off and I started to hate it. Cried silent tears until I just couldn't take it anymore and told him to get off me. He has no idea what's happened, very upset etc. He said he didn't notice me not give ANY reaction at all as he was in the moment etc.

Right now I don't know what I'm thinking. I've asked him to sleep in the other room tonight. I know I may be completely over reacting and don't mind if anyone tells me so but in those 15-20 mins I felt so cheap and used and physically felt sick and I genuinely can't even explain why..

Am I just tired? Could I have stopped feeling sexual in an instant? Or should DH have been more aware of my reactions (or lack of) and stopped? I don't know what to think and can't even understand why I'm so confused.

You're right shatner I read the rape comment and was so incensed I didn't read properly. dilly I apologise.

I think you’ve had some harsh responses OP as clearly there is an underlying issue with sex for you - but no, your DH didn’t do anything wrong or abusive here. It is a little odd that he didn’t notice you lying still and not reacting, he should have been more aware here and checked you were alright, but as you initiated it and you’ve said he hasn’t been pushy about sex in the past I would give him the benefit of the doubt here.

There is nothing wrong with disliking sex or being asexual, but if I were you I would explore this with a counsellor because it sounds like more than that, it sounds like you have an aversion to it. And being ‘devoid of emotion’ as others have said is not usual. If it transpires that you would rather not have sex in your life that’s absolutely your choice and your right, but that likely won’t work for your husband. If your sex drives are mismatched I can’t see the relationship surviving because you shouldn’t feel like you have to have sex when you don’t want to, but equally he shouldn’t have to give up sex when he wants to have it

I'm sorry but sending him to another room to sleep when he hasn't done anything wrong. That's out of order

OP, perhaps its time to consider separation and eventually divorce. Wouldn't he better off with a woman who is attracted to him? You aren't. You shouldn't feel guilty about this, as its something you clearly don't have any conscious control over. You simply aren't compatible.

I intimated sex with an ex on our last time and cried towards the end. It was because I realised I felt nothing and he was really into it. At that point I knew we were over.

How you feel is one thing. That is down to you. How you behave is another thing and you unfairly took your bad feeling out on your husband. Over sex which is a sensitive issue in anyone’s life but especially yours.

You need to apologise to your husband for your behaviour and take ownership of your problem. Go see a doctor, after this episode you owe your husband that. They will identify if this is a problem that can be solved or not. If not, you need to sort out your responses and behaviour.

I would leave someone who treated me this way because I couldn’t call it anything other than manipulation designed to make me feel shit. Maybe you didn’t mean that at the time. But if you don’t do anything about it you might as well.

You need to talk to your Husband, not to the likes of us strangers here on the web. He probably has no clue what's going on..rescue your marriage now before it's too late.

This sounds like trauma...

I know you feel you were never abused but it's also normal to go through a period of forgetting. Not feeling, feeling used with someone you are close with- I think it's worth counselling.

That is seriously not normal behaviour, and you need some proper help.

Poor bloke must be really really head wrecked. Really nice sex twice in one day then being kicked into the spare room cos he responded to your initiation again.

Bad form OP.

@Kismetjan That's worth considering, but its probably not the case. Not every serious sexual problem is down to past abuse, remembered or suppressed. It seems some women just need strong desire for sex to be tolerable. OP tried sex without that strong desire, and she couldn't stand it. She only feels that with her husband about 3-4 times a year, which is probably going to decrease with time.

I'd feel cheap and used if he didn't notice me not responding at all and crying. Our bodies are not just masturbatory holes for men.

I agree with much of what is said above.you need to get things out in the open. Talk with your H and probably seek some help. Having a low sex drive is often in the mind but sometimes can be a physical problem. It is not something you should be ashamed of and could be remedied but you can't do it alone

@Scott72 it may or may not be, but OP has said she is 'devoid of emotion' on a day to day basis and that sounds like something that could do with being looked at either way.

(Also this was exactly how I felt before memories resurfaced following my DD's birth.)

@itsbetterthanabox She said she was crying "silent" tears. She wasn't actually crying. And I'm sure she wasn't lying there completely catatonic. He think he deserves the benefit of the doubt here. And he was very upset afterwards. He will be extra careful from now on I'm sure.

Is it a low sex drive or are you just not into him??

With my ex I would feel the same way, hated sex and felt guilty/cheap afterwards. Thought it was a low sex drive but actually I just wasn't attracted to him anymore. We ended things amicably.

Why didn’t you go to the spare room? Do you really think he did something wrong and deserved banishing?

Dear OP, This does sound like your feelings of disassociation stem from past trauma, submerged into your subconscious so you can't remember it but certain things can trigger the emotions that belong back there, not now in your relationship with your DH.

Your DH did nothings wrong and I think rather than banishing him to the spare room you need to have a heart to heart ASAP explaining it's not his fault. I don't necessarily agree he should have noticed you were becoming upset just because you were lying still. Sometimes it's nice to be submissive to your loved one and that's ok, but in this case it wasn't ok for you and he deserves an explanation of what was really going on in your mind.

I Agree with others it's not normal and very sad to be 'devoid of emotion', and this needs to be explored with a professional therapist. Did you feel like that when you got married? Surely you felt love then or why did you marry this kind man? Please seek help through your GP who can refer you to a qualified therapist though you might have to arrange this privately through BACP who have a list of therapists in your area.

If you’re confident you’ve never been abused and there’s no historical reason for your reaction, I think you’re actually experiencing the end of your relationship.

You mention marital problems turning you off sex in the first place which sounds to me like you never put them behind you and forgave each other properly. If they’re still affecting your sex drive months or years later, then you’re clearly not over it.

Your 3 times in one day episode sounds like failed hysterical bonding. You sense the relationship is ending, so enter into hysterical bonding but because you’re not actually 100% sold on the idea of the relationship continuing, you check out during the 3rd time and push him away.

Your husband in this instance has done absolutely nothing wrong, this is all about you. Trying to blame him for ‘not noticing’ you weren’t into it after you initiated it is absolute bullshit. You’re looking for an excuse there to justify your piss poor behaviour and I imagine that attitude isn’t doing your marriage any favours. Instead of communicating that you were uncomfortable like a normal adult, you decided to use it as some weird ‘test’ to see if he’d somehow sense your discomfort, then when he failed you banish him which is not only unfair but also incredibly manipulative.

You owe him an apology and a frank discussion about how YOU are checked out of the marriage at this point.

I think you have a backstory with some personal issues you have not mentioned - I suggest go speak to the GP for counselling.

TBH if I was your husband I'd be thinking of leaving you. You sound unhinged and dangerous to be around. What if you had actually phoned the police in an emotional moment...you could land him in serious trouble for something he hasn't done. You say you love him yet punish him for shit going on in your head. I'd not put up with that...he deserves better than this.

I second counselling OP, the issue sounds emotional rather than physical. Nobody here can reasonably say you must have been abused. There are a number of reasons you could feel the way you feel.

Do you think that the sudden leap to sex after a gap where you felt sure he loved you because he was so great about it, might be the issue? Perhaps now sex has happened you are worried subconsciously that he won't accept it/might want to leave if you stop again. Or perhaps you felt the love was conditional before, and now feel he likes you better if you're having sex and have cheapened it in your mind as a defence. Perhaps you have some lingering opinions on sex being dirty that made how much you enjoyed the first two times feel 'cheap' . By painting him as the bad guy here are you really hoping it will result in him demonstrating how much he loves you and reassuring you it's not about sex etc...

Regardless, I think it would be wise to acknowledge the issue sounds like it's yours. Can you not apologise to your DH, reconnect and tackle this together. He isn't responsible for whatever emotional issues you're having. I would be wary of your treatment of him, because it comes across fairly poorly. I'd apologise, talk properly about it, sleep in the same bed if you can and reconnect (hold hands, hug etc). Explain how you felt, ask for his support with seeking counselling and work on it as husband and wife before it's too late to do so.

Thanks for all the responses, you've all given me a lot to think about.

Re the spare room; I actually was going to the spare room. I wanted space and was also ashamed and embarrassed about my reaction. DH offered and then went.

The not having any emotion; I grew up in a house where emotion wasn't openly shown, no hugs etc. So on a day to day I'm not very touchy feely if that makes sense. Which is why I was so taken aback by my own tears.

The point about a last bonding moment could be true. We started having problems and that's when the sex started to dwindle. I thunk I just thought oh I'm really not enjoying this and couldn't wait for it to be over. But then a pp said it's not uncommon to switch off that way, is that common for others?

Re past abuse; again I have no recollection. My childhood didn't have much emotion but it wasn't horrible. I know my parents love me, they just showed it in other ways.

I apologised to DH this morning. He fully accepted it but a pp is right, I have no idea how this will affect us or him next time or the future.

I know there were other things asked but I'll reread and answer anything I've missed on my break.

I've asked him to sleep in the other room tonight became I actually was going to the spare room. I wanted space and was also ashamed and embarrassed about my reaction. DH offered and then went after many posters pulled you up on this being unfair to your DH.

Either way, you sound like you have a bloody lovely and understanding DH but you're not being fair to him and probably haven't throughout the marriage. He won't keep it up much longer if this goes on. You need to really investigate what YOUR issues are and work on them pronto.

The not having any emotion; I grew up in a house where emotion wasn't openly shown, no hugs etc.

I get you. I grew up in a family which didn't approve of any negative emotions. If I was sad I was told "No you're not" or "Don't be silly". Our feelings were not validated - they were inconvenient and troublesome. Even displaying happy feelings (dancing around, laughing loudly, skipping) was not tolerable if it was "too much" and we'd be told "You're making a show of yourself and I'm embarrassed for you."

I would really encourage you to seek therapy - with a proper therapist, not a counsellor - who can help you learn to feel your feelings and express them in appropriate ways that are fair to you and the people in your life. The Stately Homes thread on this Relationships board might also be useful to you.

I wouldn't worry too much about the possibility of past abuse trauma. Sex is an extremely intimate act and with what you've said about your upbringing, it sounds more like an aversion to intimacy rather than sex itself. When we have sex we are vulnerable and our emotional barriers are down, and that can be a hard thing to handle sometimes.