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Relationships

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Original poster

Has anyone ever forgiven their husband for using prostitutes

51 replies

Chargertest · 03/03/2019 08:06

I'm two years post discovery. I can see the effort being put in and I have access to everything so I know he hasn't done it since but I'm still struggling with trust. We have a child together who I know would hugely struggle with a split.
Can you give me your experiences in a non-judgemental 'why did you stay with him way'? X

OP posts:

Shazafied · 03/03/2019 08:17

Sorry op no really advice but this did happen to a friend and ultimately she left the relationship. I couldn’t forgive this personally , sorry x

thefirst48 · 03/03/2019 08:20

Did he use prostitutes whilst in a relationship with you or before he met you?

another20 · 03/03/2019 08:20

Have you had any individual or couples counselling OP - that might be a good place to start?

Goodadvice1980 · 03/03/2019 08:23

Don't use your child as an excuse to stay with a cheating creep who thinks it's ok to buy a woman's body for sex.

Do you want posters to sugar coat and tell you to "stay with him no matter what hun".

He put your sexual health at risk and spunked family money on shagging another woman like she was a commodity. You deserve better - you should demand better x

Babygrey7 · 03/03/2019 08:26

My SIL forgave BIL

They are happy now

Personally, I think he just hides it better now, and only does it on business trips to the Far East (he loves the women there, and thinks they are lucky to get him as a customer as he is nice and respectful....)

So in my experience, you can make a marriage like this work by closing your eyes.

SIL and BIL seem very happy together now

AltogetherAndrews · 03/03/2019 08:30

I could forgive infidelity, but not someone abusing other women, which is what he has done.

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who could treat women that way, he has shown you who he really is and that’s why you can’t get past it, you know deep down what he thinks of women, and that includes you.

katy78 · 03/03/2019 08:31

Having grown up in a household where my parents stayed together “for the children” (me and my brother), let me tell you this route is no picnic. It has had lasted damage on me, which I have carried into future relationships. I have had huge issues with self-respect and self-worth and trust. I watched my mum be disrespected and she stayed, therefore showing me she didn’t believe she was worth more. I have had major issues where when I have been disrespected in relationships and should have ended things, I haven’t.

Please ask yourself, if your child’s future partner used prostitutes, would you want your child to stay?

SeaweedDress · 03/03/2019 08:31

What Goodadvice and Altogether said,

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/03/2019 08:31

Trust can never come back fully once it is broken. The damage has already been done.

You more than your child would like struggle more with a split so you use the child accordingly. You are so afraid of change and the fear of the unknown that you stay and you are really staying for your own reasons here, not the child.

You should not use your child as glue to bind you and your husband together. Do you really want to teach that young person that your relationship was really based on a lie because that is what you are teaching them. Some legacy that is to leave them.

OneMoreVino · 03/03/2019 08:33

I found texts to a prostitute on my ex husbands phone while I was engaged to him. He was working abroad at the time. He completely denied ever meeting her, although the texts led me to believe they did meet in a hotel. He slipped up while drinking and told me he paid her money to leave him alone as he decided to not go through with it after he met her. He completely retracted that when he was sober and reverted to the old story.I chose to bury my head in the sand, not tell anyone and I married him. Unfortunately for me resentment built up, part of that was due to lack of disclosure on the topic and he wouldn’t talk about it as it was ‘done & dusted’. I started feeling different towards him pretty much after I got married. The wedding plans had distracted me completely and it took over my thoughts. We didn’t have kids though.My advice would be to take some time out to yourself. A lot of time! It’s a lot to process. I don’t think it’s something you’ll ever forget however and if it’s anything like me, it’ll always be in the back of your mind and cast a doubt which will forever be there.It’s the lack of respect he had for me that I found to be the killer and wondering what they did together. Sometimes it’s worth fighting for something, but that’s up to you to decide x

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/03/2019 08:35

He values women poorly and that includes you. This is all on him really and its no real surprise that you cannot get past this. The knowledge of what he has done here will simply continue to eat away at you with your child picking up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken, between you and their dad.

O4FS · 03/03/2019 08:36

No.

He’s the father of my daughters. I do not want a man who thinks it’s ok to buy a woman’s consent to be a major influence in their lives.

Not do I want my sons believing it’s ok to do so.

We deserved better.

NeverStopExploring · 03/03/2019 08:38

I haven't been in your situation but isn't having access to everything and needing to check exhausting? I couldn't stay with someone I didn't trust for my own mental wellbeing. Whether you decide to stay or go make sure you look after yourself

reallemonade · 03/03/2019 08:43

My mum stayed with my dad even though he cheated on her. She stayed with him for herself, not the children. None of us wanted to experience their sham of a marriage. Sorry

category12 · 03/03/2019 08:49

After two years struggling with it, it's really ok to call time. You've tried.

Living together without trust is hard, and it's not actually worth it. Your dc would adapt.

omalleyalleycat · 03/03/2019 08:50

Depends whether it was before your relationship or after? If after then he has cheated and no I wouldn't forgive him. It's almost worst than a one night stand as he has consciously made a decision to go out and seek sex with someone else and then paid them for it! Not to mention the risk of sexually transmitted infections he has put you in? - condoms don't prevent everything! I think he's selfish. Also many prostitutes aren't there out of choice and could have been trafficked (extreme I know) and he's fuelling this despicable crime by using them?! There would be no going back for me sorry x

limpbizkit · 03/03/2019 08:50

I feel for you. This is a horrible discovery. I agree with others thatcitckindcof shows how he views women and sex. I often find this kind of sex is quite addictive to men. Hard to believe he can just stop it. What are his other behaviours like generally? How does he treat you? I do understand you feeling like you can't leave because of your child. It's not an easy thing to do. Sadly like others have said the only way you can probably survive it is by playing naive (I did this with my DH porn obsession) because all the checking up on it drove me crazy. But he does have redeeming features and I decided to overlook it and let it go. That said its very different to using prostitutes especially whilst commited to you. Sad you feel trapped really. My advice is a bit crappy but I do have sympathy for you. I hope you find the solution that's right for you

MamaDane · 03/03/2019 08:51

Ew no. Men like that are disgusting.

Don't blame you if you want to leave him.

NorthernRunner · 03/03/2019 08:57

No I couldn’t.

I realised that no matter what, he had that in him and it would never go, he would just get better at hiding it. I wanted children and couldn’t bring myself to have children with him. I started lying to cover his actions and realised that would be my life if I stayed. I left and it was both the greatest pain but relief I have ever felt.

Many years on I have a wonderful husband and a lovely dd with another on the way.

You have tried, but this kind of infidelity isn’t something you can just forget, I don’t think you can anyway. It’s more than just sex, it’s the enjoyment of the violation of women.

AnyFucker · 03/03/2019 08:57

Does not compute

Men who use prostitutes are literal scum

Bumblebee27 · 03/03/2019 08:58

Very personal choice op. If you ask questions like this on here the vast majority are going to tell you to leave but only you know the ins and outs of your relationship and whether or not it is worth saving.

I'm not excusing cheating of any kind, it's never ok. But I've known couples come back from it and work through the issues that made them stray in the first place. It really will involve a lot of soul searching for you.

ColeHawlins · 03/03/2019 09:06

I don't believe that men who use prostitutes are likely to just stop.

So there's ongoing STI risk to consider.

Tardigrade001 · 03/03/2019 09:07

Yes, the first time.

SandyY2K · 03/03/2019 09:46

Access to everything means nothing when he could easily have a secret phone, which many cheaters do.

It would be incredibly stupid of him to leave evidence you could find.

Original poster

Chargertest · 03/03/2019 10:35

I've got access to all bank accounts. He hasn't been able to use cash in the last two years, so I can see all transactions. Far from an ideal relationship but it was one of the 'must haves' in order to give him another chance. Our child has some fairly complex needs so there's a lot to weigh up in terms of the decision.

OP posts:

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