Has anyone ever forgiven their husband for using prostitutes

[Chargertest]

I'm two years post discovery. I can see the effort being put in and I have access to everything so I know he hasn't done it since but I'm still struggling with trust. We have a child together who I know would hugely struggle with a split.
Can you give me your experiences in a non-judgemental 'why did you stay with him way'? X

They can find ways around no cash, OP.
Withdrawing cash with purchases at the shops, that'll just show up on the bank statement as the total charged. Without the receipt, you won't know they took cashback.

There's other things they can do, buying vouchers, gift card credit etc. Again, shows on the statement just as purchases.

Cheaters always find a way.

What all children need is a father that respects women

What was the extent of it?

I couldn’t be with a man who thought of women and their consent as something to be bought and sold.

At the end of the day, it's really about whether you can forgive him, as everyone has different dealbreakers in a relationship.

Forgiveness is admirable in some situations, but when your partner does something so bad, effectively gross misconduct, then regaining trust and confidence is really difficult and frequently impossible.

Some people vow to stay in the relationship, but they never forgive. They may just bide their time until the DC are older, or until the financial situation changes.

It's not an easy situation. Sorry you have to deal with it.

It's amazing how men delude themselves, babygrey's bil thinking that the prostitutes are lucky to have him as a client because he is respectful [omg]

We all get one life. Make it authentic not conventional. I sympathise with the issue that you have a child with complex needs. Does that mean though, that you fear that if you split up, he would shirk his 50% of the responsibility there?

Hello OP, I think it might help to separate out your feelings as a partner and feelings as a mum. Finding myself in the same situation, 18 months ago, i have chosen to stay for time being, for reasons to do with my daughters and I absolutely stand by this - it's been the right thing for them. As a partner in absolutely WON'T be ok with what happened, ever, even if he really has stopped - it's not just the trust that's gone, it's the whole way I feel about him that's changed. Funnily enough we still get on well, he still makes me laugh, I still find him attractive and I feel care, concern, interest, etc as before. But i don't want to hold hands or say I love him or gaze into his eyes during sex...he will never occupy that place in my heart again and I know for sure that someone else will one day.
I think it's fine to put your mum role first if you want to and decide to stay for now
Some people can be very simplistic saying leave him immediately when that may be completely wrong for your child. Obviously it would be different if you were terribly unhappy or being abused by your partner but that doesn't sound like the case.

I found messages to a prostitute on my ex DH’s laptop 2 months after we had got married. He denied meeting her and said he felt bad and couldn’t go through with it. (Which was a lie) I didn’t leave him and continued with the marriage although it was very hard. He didn’t even have much remorse I stayed because I had nowhere else to go and family wasn’t supportive.
I would find odd numbers of random women(escorts) on his phone and he would just say it’s from the first time etc ...
Anyways I stopped looking through his phone for a good year and I thought I could trust him, we tried for a baby and I finally got pregnant in July we were both really happy everything seemed ok..
little did I know he was still continuing to pay webcams girls and pay women to send him Snapchats etc ..
I also discovered he was sexually harassing my younger sister for nudes through fake Instagram accounts and private numbers!
He turned out to be a real scum and pervert. I felt sick to my stomach and my whole family was depressed.
So we’ve recently split and I’m now living with my parents waiting for DS to arrive.

We stayed married for 2 years only..
This is my story and I think it’s never ok to stay with a man who uses prostitutes and thinks it’s ok to pay women for any type of sexual pleasure. It shows their character and also could mean they have other deep issues. Stay away.

Lauren you are staying with a punter for your daughters ?

That's some fucked up logic.

It wouldn't be about the infidelity for me. That I might be able to get over. It would be his blatant disregard for women as a whole and his specific abuse of the women whom he paid to masturbate into their bodies, that I couldn't get over.

Men that use prostitutes don't see women as full human beings and I couldn't knowingly stay married to a man like that.

I feel sorry for prostitutes. The things that must have happened in their lives to bring them to where they are...doesn't bear thinking about. And the scumbags that give them £20 for a quick bang - they're an absolute disgrace. So no OP, you won't hear uplifting stories from women who lived happily ever after. You'll hear stories from women like Lauren who won't hold her husband's hand or look into his eyes during sex, yet says it's best for her daughters (who'll hopefully never have to sell blow jobs to scum like their father in order to pay the bills).

On a similar thread a pp had mentioned a website where men review prostitutes, apparently in fairly unpleasant terms. It amazed me that these men - someone's husband, father, brother etc could be so vile towards women. The myth of the 'happy hooker' is just that, a myth.

I'm sorry op but it would be a complete deal breaker for me, knowing that he'd paid for sex. It's abhorrent.
I think it's far worse than a one night stand as paying a prostitute is far more calculated and disrespectful.
Sorry, just my opinion.

*I wouldn't be able to forgive a ons either BTW.

AF unfortunately logic is a pretty useless instrument in real life. You see the world in black and white, I don't - its complicated. My daughters have benefited big time from not being made homeless, not having to leave their schools and start somewhere new and not having to know a single thing about this dirty, depressing story that has zero to do with them...
So yes I'm proud I've kept my cool and kept their lives on an even keel, after a lot of chaos they went through with their own dad. I'm proud I've not cracked up and put my own pain and humiliation before their need for a stable life. Women like you screaming LTB seem to think kids will automatically benefit just by the correct punishment being handed out to some stupid bloke, even if it turns the kids' world upside-down. Rubbish. The three of us will be leaving later this year and our new life will be good because of the time I've taken.

@Lauren850 you sound very brave in that you have taken your time to plan exactly how you will begin a new life with your children in a calm and calculated way, rather than a hysterical breakup in the moments when you aren’t thinking rationally. I’m pleased to read you have decided to leave him in the end. My dad didn’t treat my mum with respect, with alcohol abuse and cheating. She stayed (and is still with him). I’m now an adult and have had major problems with self-worth and self-esteem (which have had horrible consequences in my relationships), which I attribute to watching my mum allow herself to be treated like a doormat, and not believing she was worth more. I know if she left she would have been OK but she felt it was too hard to leave “due to the young children”.

That's a drip feed and a half Lauren that you are leaving him. No mention of that in your previous post, just the fact you are still fucking the punter with no eye contact.

Why did you say you were staying for your daughters then ?

Lauren850 I know exactly how difficult a decision you have had to make, and I applaud you for putting your DC ahead of your (most probable) knee jerk reaction regarding your situation. You know your DC better than anyone, and I have no doubt that you made the best long term decision for you and them as a unit. Don't let anyone else try and tell you otherwise. for holding on for their best future.

OP forgive prostitute use? No. There is too much selfishness, misogyny and deceit on his part, if you were partners at the time. No excuse, I think it's disgusting on all of those levels. But life is complicated and you often can't just walk away. Whatever, I'd prefer to know the truth, and him admitting it (did he?) would go a long way towards any decision.

Unlike you i was trying to answer the OP who sounded as if she might want to stay for sake of her child. I said I've stayed in similar circumstances and am not ashamed, despite abuse from people like you. And actually I don't have a problem with fucking him, sex is only a big deal if you feel stuff for someone and invest the sex with meaning. If not, it's just an enjoyable physical experience. As I said before, I'm proud of how I've handled this and since you're so judgemental of me, I'd like to know how you'd have handled this better?

I haven't "abused" you Lauren, I save that description for your punter husband

Thank you Gaolbird, what you've said is really lovely and brought a tear to my eye.

AF - but you sort of have as you are very sneery and scathing. Obviously people like myself and the OP have already faced a lot of shame and humiliation so this touches a raw nerve.

I think having sex with a prostitute is essentially rape, so there would be no papering over the cracks for me and carrying on. It would be a total, immediate and irreversible deal breaker. You will sacrifice your self respect, self esteem and your very soul if you continue with this sham. I hope you find the strength to leave.

Having seen it from the other side as a former sex worker I struggle to believe that someone who has visited a prostitute on more than one occasion won’t ever do it again. If you truly believe that you can continue your marriage checking his phone/ laptop/ bank thoroughly enough for nothing to slip through for the rest of your life then go for it. The second you let your guard down though he’ll do it again. I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

The shame is your husband's, Lauren. However, I will never accept there is a grey area where users of the sex industry are concerned, and for me that includes the women who shield them from the consequences of their actions.

I can understand your dilemma as I have been there myself over the last 6 years. Please read my posts for background.. I sadly tried to get over this abuse and it is abuse. I made excuses for him to myself and family and friends to justify staying with him. Tried to convince myself it was an addiction ( it isnt its a choice) kicked him out early on after I had severe breakdown. At this time to deflect my own feelings I became obsessed with tracking him and 'researching' what he was doing even after dumping stuff to bedsit 10 minutes later he was calling escorts. Sadly the digging around led me to secrets that I would not wish on anyone second phones hook ups family money etc. He denied it all the gaslighting minimising and denial led me to be become severely mentally and physically ill I lost four stone and was diagnosed with dissacotiave fugue. But I still took him back played the pick me dance and tried to be the forgiving and loving wife. What did he show/ give me? Continual disrespect genial warts total lack of trust. Shit sex life he used to look above me with eyes flickering as though reliving a film. The whole situation carried on and became my normal! Until one day a lightbulb went off. I was exhausted with it all being about him. The wasted energy I could have directed on myself. So I made a plan started saving money behind his back and started acting like I was on my own. But it had to be over whwn I was ready. I had to accept he was not my friend or my lover or even worth it. I was 46 and nothing special but suddenly single was amazing I had lots of offers and support that I had built up 'waiting to go'.
Dont be me. Get out healthy and with dignity. I have seen more filth that I would need in 10 lifetimes. You will be ok in time but make plans so if you want to leave you can. The fact you are posting shows you are weighing up wether it worth staying. At 48 I met an amazing guy who adores me getting married in August you can have a happy ending if you free yourself x