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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My new bf won’t spend much time with me and my kids

58 replies

Natsc90 · 02/03/2019 18:54

Okay!
So I have been with my new boyfriend properly for 6 months! We were together for a few months and then he went to New Zealand for 6 months so put it all on hold properly till he got home!
Anyway.....I’m struggling! I don’t know whether I’m expecting too much or he’s not giving me enough!

So when we’re together just the 2 of us things are perfect....but then as soon as it’s my weekend with the kids he always try’s to make plans with other people and if he doesn’t have any then he will come and spend it with us but it’s only ever a few hours here and there!
Am I expecting too much for him to be able to spend the day with us or because there not his kids he should have his own life still?

Hope this makes sense 🤔

OP posts:

OrchidInTheSun · 02/03/2019 18:56

Why do you want a man you barely know to spend his entire weekend with your kids?

ElspethFlashman · 02/03/2019 18:57

I mean, there's no great mystery here.

He doesn't want to be around your kids. He has no interest in them. He's never going to want to be a family with them. Easy peasy.

HollowTalk · 02/03/2019 18:57

I have to say if I were young and childfree I wouldn't want to spend weekends with someone else's children.

LL83 · 02/03/2019 18:57

He is your boyfriend, you're dating. I wouldn't expect him to spend too much time with kids unless you were looking at moving in together.

Have you been together 6 months since New Zealand?

Grobagsforever · 02/03/2019 19:01

Ditch him. He's not interested in getting to know your kids.

YogaWannabe · 02/03/2019 19:04

Maybe he just has more respect for your children than you clearly do.

Stop having g men you barely know around your children.

Hellohappy · 02/03/2019 19:09

I don’t blame him really.

OpiesOldLady · 02/03/2019 19:10

Sounds like as it's your weekend with your children, he wants you to have time with them. Do your children usually live with you?

Could also be that he's just interested in a quick fuck and doesn't want the responsibility of other people's children.

NWQM · 02/03/2019 19:13

To be honest your description sounds very appropriate for a new relationship. He prioritises you when you are free to prioritise him. He respects your time with your children and uses that to see other people. Trouble is you aren’t happy and it doesn’t really matter what we think if it isn’t doing it for you.

Singlenotsingle · 02/03/2019 19:14

It takes time, and he hardly knows you yet, never mind get to know your children. And it doesn't sound as though he wants to anyway.

crappyday2018 · 02/03/2019 19:15

Maybe he thinks you should be spending quality time with your kids on your own..... which is what you should be doing.

Original poster

Natsc90 · 02/03/2019 19:19

Thanks for you comments! Well some of them!
I should of said we were seeing each other for nearly a year before he went to New Zealand....we said if we still felt the same when he got back that’s when he would meet the kids not before because we didn’t no if it would work out and we always knew he was going!

Yea he says he loves my kids and loves spending time with them but yea it’s only a few hours on a Sunday really!
But I never looked at it as in the way some of you have said!

OP posts:

Sunshineandflipflops · 02/03/2019 19:21

My exh is still with the girl, sorry woman he had an affair with, a year later. On his weekends with the kids they sometimes meet up with her and do stuff but mostly he spends time with them and I assume she does things most 28 year olds want to do (which isn’t spending time with your older boyfriends tweenagers).
If I thought she was there all the time on his weekends I’d have issues with that. The kids need quality time with their dad and hey can’t have that if his girlfriend is constantly there as his attention is elsewhere.

OrchidInTheSun · 02/03/2019 19:22

OP: "We were together for a few months and then he went to New Zealand for 6 months so put it all on hold properly till he got home!"

Also OP: "I should of said we were seeing each other for nearly a year before he went to New Zealand"

OrchidInTheSun · 02/03/2019 19:24

And yes, your children need time with you, not with you and your boyfriend.

Original poster

Natsc90 · 02/03/2019 19:35

Sunshine and flip flops!
Yea that’s a good point! As he is younger than me!
Ive just come from a marriage where I was used to spending all my time with him! I have to get that out my head tho as there not his kids....he loves me not my kids!

Orchidinthesun
Yes sorry abit confusing! We were seeing each other for nearly a year before he went but got properly together a few months before he went away and was together while he was away but was also seeing if the feeling were still there as 6 months is a long time!

So basically I need to keep the 2 separate until we’re thinking of living together?

OP posts:

LovingLola · 02/03/2019 19:38

How old are your children?

Original poster

Natsc90 · 02/03/2019 19:41

I have 2 boys which are 5 and 9

OP posts:

ASurfeitOfDuncans · 02/03/2019 19:45

Stop trying to get him to play Happy Families with you.

Original poster

Natsc90 · 02/03/2019 19:49

Surely happy families is the end result tho?

Who doesn't want to get back into a happy family life?

OP posts:

ASurfeitOfDuncans · 02/03/2019 19:52

*Surely happy families is the end result tho?

Who doesn't want to get back into a happy family life?*

Someone who you just started seeing and who may not want to be a step parent. You just got out of a marriage, why not take some time out before trying to jump into yet another setting like that, explore what it was that caused the marriage to break down, focus on your kids rather than another man figure/nuclear set up.

LovingLola · 02/03/2019 19:54

And do not get pregnant. For all your sakes. Especially the boys.

ASurfeitOfDuncans · 02/03/2019 19:55

And do not get pregnant. For all your sakes. Especially the boys.

Oh, that'll be next!

Catalicious · 02/03/2019 20:06

They're not his family. HTH.

Original poster

Natsc90 · 02/03/2019 20:09

My marriage broke down because I fell out of love with him! We were together since I was 14 and we just grew a part! We tried everything to make it work and where together 14 years so....."falling pregnant" isn't something I do!!

Both my pregnancy's were planned so I'm not going to fall pregnant! I'm not that stupid!
Shit some of u are judgmental!

Literally needed some help and you lot have made me feel worse! Cheers!!

OP posts:

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