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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My new bf won’t spend much time with me and my kids

58 replies

Natsc90 · 02/03/2019 18:54

Okay!
So I have been with my new boyfriend properly for 6 months! We were together for a few months and then he went to New Zealand for 6 months so put it all on hold properly till he got home!
Anyway.....I’m struggling! I don’t know whether I’m expecting too much or he’s not giving me enough!

So when we’re together just the 2 of us things are perfect....but then as soon as it’s my weekend with the kids he always try’s to make plans with other people and if he doesn’t have any then he will come and spend it with us but it’s only ever a few hours here and there!
Am I expecting too much for him to be able to spend the day with us or because there not his kids he should have his own life still?

Hope this makes sense 🤔

OP posts:

SparklyMagpie · 02/03/2019 20:20

What is the rush ??

OrchidInTheSun · 02/03/2019 20:23

Just take it slow. Have you had a conversation with your boyfriend about your future? Of course he should get to know your kids before/if you move in together but he's a single bloke who doesn't have children.

I think you need to be clear in your own head if you're looking for a relationship for you or for someone to be your kids' next dad. From your ur post about happy families, it sounds like the latter. I don't think that's the right way to approach a new relationship when you have kids

Hellohappy · 02/03/2019 20:29

What do you mean, who doesn’t want to get back into family life?

Maybe he doesn’t want to be part of your family life at the moment.

snoutandab0ut · 02/03/2019 20:34

Well, for some people ‘family life’ is not what they want. Plenty of people don’t want to marry and have kids or even if they do, that doesn’t mean they want to take on a step parent role. Don’t you want time alone with your children when it’s your weekend with them?

ASurfeitOfDuncans · 02/03/2019 20:37

Help with what? Forcing your new boyfriend into a role he obviously doesn't want? He's telling you how he feels so stop rushing it. He may not want to be a blended or step family ever. It's far too early for that anyhow.

Frecklesonmyarm · 02/03/2019 20:42

OP really. When do you expect him to see his friends and do stuff he wants?

How old are you and how old is he?

Decormad38 · 02/03/2019 20:43

I don’t understand how he can say he loves your kids op? I think you want him to so he’s saying it but from his point of view its a bit soon to be saying that as he’s only just met them.

BumbleBeee69 · 02/03/2019 20:44

he doesn't sound particularly interested in spending time with you guys as a family unit, sorry OP

Bubblegumgal · 02/03/2019 20:45

OP I’d take the comments here with a pinch of salt. MN is so strange when it comes to a single mum’s partner being around their children. I don’t believe in spending a year with someone before introducing to DC to only find out they don’t get on with your child. However, I do think a few hours every other week for a 6 month official relationship is appropriate, even if you were casually seeing each other before. It’s such an important topic though I think you should talk to him about it- how does he see his future? Does he see your children in it? Does he want to do the whole ‘family’ thing? If the answer is yes to all of those, maybe think about building up the time he spends with them after a year.

NotTheFordType · 02/03/2019 20:46

The father of your kids has been grooming you since you were 18.

ukgift2016 · 02/03/2019 20:46

My boyfriend has a great relationship with my daughter. It would be difficult if he wasn't open to my daughter as I have her most of the time.

I understand your frustration as I would be concerned in your position. Best to have a chat with him and see where he stands.

Pishogue · 02/03/2019 20:48

People aren’t being judgemental, they’re just pointing out that this is a comparatively new relationship. You barely know this guy, and you can’t possibly have any idea whether he wants to be a step parent. You may be on the rebound from your marriage, and dying to get back into family life (though I would think very carefully about this), but he is not you, and these are not his children.

Frecklesonmyarm · 02/03/2019 20:50

The father of your kids has been grooming you since you were 18.

Can you explain this because I cant see where that fits in?

ILikePaperHats · 02/03/2019 20:51

I think you've been given a hard time here. I'm a co-parent (ex has them Thurs and Fri nights) with a boyfriend (who I don't live with but have been going out for three years) and no family near by and it's terribly lonely at times especially when my bf is on call or decides he wants to spend his time doing other things while I've got the kids. Weekends can seem so long and it's hard to entertain kids all day on your own with no support. I think you need to tell your boyfriend you want him to spend more time with you and the kids otherwise it's not working for you. Tell him you come as a team!

JayneyMc4 · 02/03/2019 20:57

For whatever reason you only see your young dons for a few hours, why does the bf need to part of that? Let your boys have your attention and feel special, you barely see them as it is why should they have to share you with the bf? Think you're being selfish and thoughtless to your boys feelings.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 02/03/2019 20:58

Op. I am really against the advice that is wrong to introduce the kids unless you have been together for years and he is ready to move in.

You introduce them sooner because you want to know how they get along together. If they don’t, you put your children first and move on.

lifebegins50 · 02/03/2019 21:02

So is your boyfriend in his early 20's? If so it completely natural for him to not want to be "dad" to your 2 children.
I imagine he wants to be without pressures.

Don't force this on him, suspect he is not wanting to be a father figure but likes you.

LovingLola · 02/03/2019 21:05

You introduce them sooner because you want to know how they get along together. If they don’t, you put your children first and move on.

The OPs boyfriend has met her children and has spent time with them. She wants him to spend more time with them. He is not interested in that.

YogaWannabe · 02/03/2019 21:32

And do not get pregnant

She will

Sunshineandflipflops · 02/03/2019 21:52

I also think it’s a very big generalisation to say that someone “barely knows” someone after 6 months. If you spend a lot of time with someone then I think you can get to know someone pretty well in 6 months.
I think every situation and relationship is different but I don’t think introducing your kids to someone after 6 months makes them a bad parent.

Original poster

Natsc90 · 02/03/2019 22:01

I'm new to this relationship stuff! Hence why I came on here for some advice! I don't have a clue!

And for the last time I'm not gunna get pregnant not only because I'm not that stupid but because I can't have anymore babies after I lost our third and nearly died! So yea cheers for bringing that up too!!

OP posts:

averystrangeweek · 02/03/2019 22:15

Perhaps someone who is single and has never had children of their own might be a bit overwhelmed by spending more than a few hours with lively kids. If your not used to it, then it is rather exhausting.

Houseofmirth66 · 02/03/2019 22:33

To be frank, there are occasions when spending time with my own children isn’t that much of a thrill. Taking on someone else’s is a huge leap. You need to give him the time and space to get to know them at his own pace. And don’t suggest to them that he’ll be sticking around in case that doesn’t prove to be true.

wishywashy6 · 02/03/2019 23:01

Maybe slow things down a little. A few hours here and there is ok for now isn't it? Did you have a proper chat before introducing him to your children? About the future/ where you see things heading?

My BF is 10 years younger than me and has no kids. I have 2 (8 and 6). He met mine after we'd been together just over 6 months but we talked extensively first about it.
As it happens he's always really excited to see them, taking time to do things with them and when we're not seeing each other he'll phone up and have a chat with them over the phone. While I don't expect him to dedicate every spare minute to either me or them (I want time with my children for myself anyway!) I would probably be concerned if I felt like he was trying to avoid them.

You really need to speak to him about this as it could just be he feels you should have that time for you and your kids or it may be that he's struggling to adapt to life involving children which wouldn't bode well for the future

Original poster

Natsc90 · 03/03/2019 10:48

I never said I was only seeing them for a couple of hours...I have them 80% of the time! I said he only ever spends a few hours here and there with them!

We have spoke about it and he has said he struggles but loves me and really wants it to work! And does try hard! I think I just need to slow down and realise things are never going to be the same as when they were with his dad

OP posts:

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