My new bf won’t spend much time with me and my kids

[Natsc90]

Okay!
So I have been with my new boyfriend properly for 6 months! We were together for a few months and then he went to New Zealand for 6 months so put it all on hold properly till he got home!
Anyway.....I’m struggling! I don’t know whether I’m expecting too much or he’s not giving me enough!

So when we’re together just the 2 of us things are perfect....but then as soon as it’s my weekend with the kids he always try’s to make plans with other people and if he doesn’t have any then he will come and spend it with us but it’s only ever a few hours here and there!
Am I expecting too much for him to be able to spend the day with us or because there not his kids he should have his own life still?

Hope this makes sense 🤔

I don't expect my partner to play dad to my kids, they already have a dad but I also wouldn't want to feel like he's only interested in me without them.
He's planned days out with them, comes to watch my little boy play football, reads them a bed time story amongst other things. I've never asked him to do any of this but it's reassuring to know he enjoys the family time just as much as the time we have alone.
If you've spoken about it and he says he wants it to work then slowing things down and giving it some time is probably the best way forward. You need to keep talking and communicating about it so that you are both on the same page with things. You also need to decide what you're happy to accept long term. In the short term this dynamic may work but I personally couldn't plan a future with someone who couldn't accept my children

I think that sounds like the right approach. A few hours getting to know them but giving you time to spend time on your own with them sounds perfect

So you were seeing him for almost a year then he went to New Zealand for 6mths? And you jointly decided that if you both felt the same way about each other on his return, you'd start seeing each other again?

Did he head off to NZ cos he wasn't happy with things? Was it a spur of the moment decision? Or was it something he had planned before he met you? Or a job posting?

You have children & want to get him involved in their life. He's got the freedom to go off to NZ for 6mths. It might be that despite his feelings for you, he's not cut out to be a stepdad.

Failing that, I might have got it round my neck, he was unsure of the situation after a year, his time away made him realise his feelings for you however he respects your time with your children & enjoys the time you have together so doesn't want to rush into seeing them too much.

Have you thought about whether he wants to take on the role of stepdad and not have any children of his own?

He's younger than you.

He could face pressure from his family for setting with an older woman with children who can't have any more.

Unless he definitely doesn't want his own kids, this won't work in the long run.

Love isn't always enough to take on someone else's kids and give up the chance of having your own.

We have spoke about it and he has said he struggles but loves me and really wants it to work

I think what he's saying is quite clear. He loves you, but, understandably not your children, who are all but strangers to him, and you seem to be falling very easily into the assumption that he will step into your ex's role and act as a father to your family, when I think he's signalling that this isn't something he envisages, not yet, or not really, or not at all, possibly.

He's trying to consider it, because he loves you, but it's not how he thought of his future.

I think it's just right how it is now. What's the rush? It's ideal that you get time with your own family and he gets to do his own life / social life stuff. Why the big rush to be spending whole weekends together? It's too much too soon. Chill out and let things develop at their own pace.

Op... that is the problem of being a single parent... no matter how responsible you are or have been in the past there is always a good number of people who assume you are where you are because you are bad at making decisions. It just takes a few posts for someone to assume you fell pregnant accidentally, are getting a cocklodger or are living out of handouts.

My advice is to get this in the lone parent category to get less judgements and more realistic advice.

There is NOTHING wrong with wanting a new family, I would say however that if he is not prepared yet to join you in this exhilarating and sometimes heartbreaking journey of raising kids in a blended family setting, he is perhaps not the right person for you and your kids.

My god some of you really are horrible on here arent you? You all must be very bored with your lives, I hope you dont take that attitude with people in real life situations. I dont actually have any advice OP Im just disgusted with the horrible judgemental attitude on this post. Load of perfect little princesses hiding behind a screen on their high horses.