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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unexploded bomb in my head

56 replies

Misty9 · 02/03/2019 16:46

That's how I've been feeling all week since i decided dh and I should separate. We've been trying to make things better for years and I just don't want to try any more Sad two dc 5 and 7 who will obviously be confused and upset. I'm planning to talk to dh this evening and, as it's not fair to talk to friends until we've spoken, I guess I'm posting for a handhold and to put my thoughts somewhere.

My heart is breaking at the future we won't have but I can't stay feeling like this for another few years. I'm planning to move out and we will share care of the dc. We almost split up last summer so talked about a bit of this, and dh has always done his half of the parenting. He earns way more than me though.

I feel sick Sad but got to go and have dinner now and then do bedtime etc. Then The Talk.

OP posts:
Treesaa · 02/03/2019 17:10

Oh OP, I'm holding your hand from here. I think you are brave to come to this decision. I'm sorry I don't have much to say, I'm watching your post with interest because I'm thinking of doing the same.

SuziQ10 · 02/03/2019 17:15

Ok. You've reached a decision and that's a good start.
Hand hold Thanks

Original poster
Misty9 · 02/03/2019 17:35

It's awful. I'm sat at the dinner table wondering if this is our last one as a family of four Sad and that they deserve to know this too so they can savour it?! Bloody hell...

Treesaa what's your situation? Flowers

OP posts:
fearfullotsofthetime · 02/03/2019 17:38

Thinking of you OP Flowers

category12 · 02/03/2019 18:12

Why are you going to be the one to move out? Have you had legal advice yet?

Treesaa · 02/03/2019 18:16

@Misty9

So many things have gone wrong with our relationship...lack of affection, little sex, financial matters, his drinking problems. Things came to a head when I told him that I'm considering leaving him. That was November last year. He said that we should try to work on it but I'm so miserable. I don't think we will make it, it's not working .I just haven't summoned the courage to tell him that.

Homer101 · 02/03/2019 18:18

I need to have the chat with my wife . Been putting it off for so long now because of the two kids. But I can’t deal with her spending problems , the debt she’s built up , the fact that we don’t have a penny to our name anymore . The hours she spends playing games on her phone , I could go on.

Best of luck to you . Please let us know how you get on . I hope everything works out well for you all . It might take time but I’m sure it will .
Hope I can build the confidence up that you have to do it myself soon .

BlueEyedBengal · 02/03/2019 18:23

Hand hold. ThanksWine

HollowTalk · 02/03/2019 18:32

Why are you moving out, OP?

Treesaa · 02/03/2019 18:32

@Misty9

Flowers Finally figured how to send flowers lol
crappyday2018 · 02/03/2019 18:33

Good luck OP. This is one of the hardest parts. I promise things get better. Don't focus on what you will be missing as a family when you split, focus on how much happier you will all be in the long run. Two happy homes is better than one miserable one.
I split with my ex of 17 years and, I won't lie, it was horrendous. Nearly 2 years down the line and everyone is happier.

Original poster
Misty9 · 02/03/2019 18:33

Why are you going to be the one to move out? Have you had legal advice yet?

I want to to be honest. I don't like the idea of being in our home on my own (dh hates change so he won't mind as much). I haven't had legal advice yet but will do after talking to dh. Really hoping it can be v amicable...

OP posts:
Redskyandrainbows67 · 02/03/2019 18:34

Don’t move out op!! You need to stay put if you want to get custody of the kids and your fair share of the house

HollowTalk · 02/03/2019 18:42

But you wouldn't be alone if your children were there half of the time.

HollowTalk · 02/03/2019 18:43

Just because he earns a lot more than you, it doesn't mean he has more rights than you now.

I'm concerned that you haven't spoken to any friends - it's not disloyal to your husband to talk about this with a friend.

Is there anyone else involved for either of you?

crappyday2018 · 02/03/2019 18:53

@Homer101 I hope you do too. I put it off for years and regret that. My counsellor did say that there is no point in dwelling on that because some people just aren't 'there yet'. Hopefully you will get there soon too.

category12 · 02/03/2019 19:06

What's diff between being alone in your present home and being alone somewhere else? Are you proposing to leave the dc behind?

Original poster
Misty9 · 02/03/2019 19:12

Although it hopefully won't be a surprise to dh, I'm the one pulling the final plug and it feels unfair to make him move out. There won't be a "getting custody of the kids" issue because we will share care in whatever way is best for the dc. I have talked to one friend who is very supportive. Dh wouldn't talk to anyone. Unless you mean is there another man/woman? No, to both.

He's just finishing bedtime for the eldest and then we will talk. I feel bad because he has no idea I'm planning this tonight Sad
Our home is jointly owned but I suspect we'll sell it to finance two houses.

Oh shit...

OP posts:
Original poster
Misty9 · 02/03/2019 19:14

I don't want to be the one to stay here because it's full of memories we've made together. Maybe that's cowardly.

OP posts:
Redskyandrainbows67 · 02/03/2019 19:19

I really don’t think you should move out.
How on earth do you think it’ll come across to your kids that mummy has left? They’ll think you’ve left them.
Agree with him to separate and then work out how to sell house and buy separate ones. Why do you need to move out if things are so amicable?

category12 · 02/03/2019 19:23

You really need to get decent legal advice before you do anything like move out.

If he's left in the house and doesn't want to sell up, just how amicable do you think it would stay, trying to force a sale? It's easy to say things will be amicable and you'll both do the best for the dc, but it doesn't always work out like that. You moving out won't actually mean he suffers less or there's less change for him, because you will likely need to sell up. You need to be practical and protect your own interests as well, not just leave him the field as such, out of guilt.

another20 · 02/03/2019 20:32

He might be relieved to have the conversation.

PlinkPlink · 02/03/2019 20:40

Handhold and hug OP.

Be brave. You can do this. You have tried but it's just not working. I'm sure you can sort things amicably. Be patient and try to help him understand. I'm sure he'll have lots of q's.

Greenkit · 02/03/2019 20:49

I have just done this after 29yrs, best thing i ever did however hard it was/is.

Dont have small people though as they are all grown up.

I hope things are going well with the talk x

Original poster
Misty9 · 02/03/2019 21:45

Phew. Well, it's out in the open at least. It went as well as it could and we're both letting it sink in before contemplating any practicalities in detail. But we will both get legal advice next (individually). It's weird, it feels like nothing has changed but everything has. He said he understands that our needs are incompatible and he wouldn't want to carry on knowing how I feel. God it's a mess Sad

We don't know when to tell the kids as it'll be confusing for them if nothing outwardly changes for a while. But we need to let them know before telling anyone else Confused

I feel a mixture of sad, relief (that it's out there) and panicky.

OP posts:
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