Unexploded bomb in my head

[Misty9]

That's how I've been feeling all week since i decided dh and I should separate. We've been trying to make things better for years and I just don't want to try any more two dc 5 and 7 who will obviously be confused and upset. I'm planning to talk to dh this evening and, as it's not fair to talk to friends until we've spoken, I guess I'm posting for a handhold and to put my thoughts somewhere.

My heart is breaking at the future we won't have but I can't stay feeling like this for another few years. I'm planning to move out and we will share care of the dc. We almost split up last summer so talked about a bit of this, and dh has always done his half of the parenting. He earns way more than me though.

I feel sick but got to go and have dinner now and then do bedtime etc. Then The Talk.

I'm so sorry you are going through this Misty. ITs awful, but at least you have sat down and spoken now. Get yourself to a solicitor and understand what you are entitled to. Are you still living together now until you can get somewhere else sorted?

Where will the children be staying going forward?

We will stay living together for now at least and the long term plan is for us to share care of the kids by living very close and having good communication. It's just shit but I can't ignore my own needs any more

Misty, Im so pleased it went well and your husband understands, perhaps he has been feeling the same but didn't want to say anything to you.

Let it sink in for a bit before you start the practicalities of splitting finances, house, children's care etc...

I moved out as I felt I needed a clean break, having split 8yrs previously and staying in the home, we got back together, not a good move.

Anyway, do what is right for you.

As it happens this time it was all very amicable and he already knew things were wrong, just didn't want to say. 5 months down the line he has a new GF and im seeing someone...

Ahhh found your thread Misty and just wanted to say I think you are very brave and we’re all rooting for you & hope it can be as painless & smooth as possible. I’m glad H reacted in an understanding way xx

Thanks all. We are letting it all sink in for a bit before doing anything like telling the kids as that feels enormous. We are also talking about trying couples counselling again but that can also be to end well. I've said I don't want to be in the position of having that unexploded bomb in my head again so splitting is definitely on the table - but we haven't ruled out completely a different path. Not sure if that's too confusing...

I feel like I got to the plane door to jump out and then said "f**@k* that's high!" and reconsidered...

We've been together for years so there's no hurry.

Thought I'd update here as we told the kids today. They took it in their strides but I'm sure there will be storms along the way. I'm still planning to move out although getting a bit worried about the dc feeling I've left them. But dh moving out might feel like him leaving them so there's no ideal situation. I'm getting legal advice next week as is dh.

Our plan so far is for me to have dc weds to sat eve, so 3 nights. But I work the least now so don't know if they should have more nights with me?! Urgh. So much to sort out. Slightly gallingly all friends and family haven't been surprised so far!

How are things going for you @Treesa ?

Sorry, @Treesaa

I moved out of our family home when my husband and I separated. My kids certainly don’t think I ‘left them’. My ex and I have 50/50 care and a friendly, amicable relationship.

Do things the way that is right for YOUR family. Don’t let outsiders tell you what can or can’t or shouldn’t be done. That’s exactly what builds resentment between parties.

Thanks @TheStoic - I think the reason I fear that is because it's been a bit of a dynamic throughout, with dh taking control as the main parent a lot of the time. I easily feel there's no space for me... can I ask what pattern of days you had for sharing care of the kids? And did one of you have main parent status for addresses held by others etc?

Dh is in bed with a hangover - which he won't be able to do when I've moved out whereas I was awoken at 5.45am by dd having wet the bed...

Do you really think he should have 505 custody with his drinking problems? I'd be concerned leaving young children alone with him tbh.

If he has the DC more than 50% then you will have to pay CMS.

If you work less hours why are you having the DC for less than him?

I would not 100% agree anything until you have let this sink in. The future can feel very different when one or both of you have a new partner so just consider what impact that might have on the children especially if he has the majority of time with them.

Our pattern is kind of complicated to outsiders, Misty, but it works for us. In a nutshell, I have Sunday night-Wednesday morning, he has Wednesday night to Saturday morning...and we alternate weekends.

I tend to have ‘main parent’ status as far as paperwork goes, but all schools etc these days are used to having two separate contacts for children. We get two sets of school reports, for example.

Child support is based on income and time, so although we have 50/50, he pays a small amount because his income is higher.

Anything is possible. YOU get to decide what your ‘family’ looks like going forward.

Thanks Thestoic that's what we're planning but the other way around as I have Thurs pm and Fridays off work. It's interesting you alternate weekends though- so you have all day Saturday and Sunday with them alternately? So Saturday night is alternated? Food for thought.

madcatlady drinking problems?! That's the first time this year he's been out drinking! I think he's allowed a hangover every now and again!

I do feel a bit uncomfortable with the majority of their time being with dh but am getting legal advice tomorrow so will discuss there. Although if we do the same pattern as you stoic then it would be almost exactly 50/50...

Hi
I did the talk in July and 9 months on we’re all ok. I think it’s a slow process but mentally I feel better. Small steps. Xx

Yes we alternate Saturday + Sunday (and therefore Saturday night). So in essence it works out as 7 nights each per fortnight.

In the nicest way possible, you need to wise up a bit. Yes, it would be lovely if everything could be friendly, but in my bitter experience, once you start getting down to the nitty gritty of a separation, people can turn very nasty.

You need to protect yourself financially. You say he earns more than you? You really need to be the Resident Parent, and I'd be pushing for the kids being with you 5 nights a week, 4 at a minimum, so that he has to pay child maintenance. There are so many things you will need to pay for, for the children, that are more than food & a warm bed : books, school trips, shoes, uniforms, clothes, vaccinations, presents for friends parties....the list is endless. It would be impossible for you to calculate all that you spend, and then demand half from him.

Also, even if he is friendly now, be prepared for a giant U turn, when he gets a Girlfriend. My ExH paid maintenance on time, until a new woman came on the scene, who had 2 kids of her own, who she wasn't getting maintenance for : he suddenly stopped paying, as she had his ear. It's amazing what men will do, for a Partner who is servicing their dick. Harsh, but true.

If he has a Pension, you need to get recompense for that in any settlement. If you leave the home, and set up a new one, you need some sort of payment to recognise the fact that you have to furnish a whole new house, and he doesn't (costs thousands).

You really need to look out for yourself here, and not be a walk over. In 10 years time, when you both have new Partners, you'll regret it if you didn't get the best outcome for yourself. Especially if he is able to treat the kids to things, like holidays, whilst you are struggling to get by.

The one thing though that struck me, is you said that even though he works longer hours than you, he does most of the childcare? I don't understand this. Why?

ccgirr thanks, it's good to hear from the other side and that it can be okay!

huskylover thank you for the long post. In the nicest possible way though, you really don't know my husband. He's autistic and doesn't have a nasty bone in his body; cold maybe and definitely lacking emotion, but not nasty. He has no intention of meeting anyone else (this is his 2nd divorce) and the children really are his world (part of the reason our marriage suffered). Of course we don't know what's in the future for either of us but we do know we will always be linked by our dc and their needs will always be paramount for both of us. When I say he does the majority of childcare, he works flexibly so is home almost straight after school and he nearly always gets up first in the mornings as I struggle with mornings . He's also just much more focused on the kids when we're all hanging out and it's too easy for me to step back and do chores he really is a bit obsessed with the kids! Ds in particular has always been his special interest I think (ASD related). I appreciate the advice but I will endeavour to balance what's fair with what I'm entitled to re pensions etc. Wrt CMS, it shouldn't apply as we'll be 50/50. Thus far all costs for another house are coming out of joint funds...and we haven't stopped using the joint account yet. Baby steps.

Anyway, I've spoken to dh and we're going to try the pattern you do stoic so thank you for that.

I hopw you all get there soon & find happiness.

I have been on my own with DC for 6 years now without even wanting to 'date'
It is an amazing feeling to be happy with yourself & DC.

Urgh. Feeling a bit drained and crap tonight. Saw solicitor and it's all likely to be as we've agreed in principle though spousal maintenance will likely be paid due to difference in earning capacity. I've discovered I'm not entitled to any benefits under universal credit (would have been eligible for tax credits under old system) so it's gonna be tight. And my salary isn't enough for rental costs...sigh. there's ways around the latter issue but it's all a reality check.

Ds also said his heart is a little bit damaged at bedtime this is so shit but it is the right decision. I'm having to carry everyone's emotions as well as my own, especially as dh doesn't do emotions let alone emotional support!

Huge hugs Misty.

Will reply properly later as just waiting for counselling xx

Hugs to you @Misty9.

I'm a few months further on than you are. The split with my ex was instigated by me, after a long period of me trying to make things work, but I think he'd felt the same for a while but hadn't had the balls to say so (and didn't want to work on things when I did). It has been pretty amicable though, to be honest.

The kids and I are still in the house, he rents somewhere fairly nearby. He has agreed to let me stay here at least until youngest starts high school in 17 months, simply because we made a massive move 18 months ago and feel that we can't uproot them again for the time being, particularly with the changes that the separation have brought. All bills are being paid out of a joint account for now, and he has agreed that we can supplement his income with our joint savings - I sacrificed my career for his/the kids, and started retraining for a new one early last year so he's agreed I can continue with that. At some point we'll need to get proper financial/legal advice, but for now things are pretty good.

He has the kids every Saturday/Sunday night, and just has them from after school until tea time on a Tuesday. It seems to be working well - the kids enjoy spending Saturday with me, then they go to his for tea and bed on Saturday, all day/night Sunday, and then get dropped off in time for the school bus on Monday morning. I will eventually be working from home in the main, so should have more flexibility, hence being the main (5 nights) carer.

The kids have adjusted well to the arrangement too. There was a period of adjustment, and it was hard at the time, but it has settled down and has become a new 'normal' now. I would advise counselling for yourself, and maybe the kids. I did this, and have found it invaluable for making things work.

We did amicable. Split in October. All hearts a little bruised but we are keep on keeping on. We sold the house to finance 2 separate places. I did divorce papers & financial order. We share DD - I have her 4 weeknights and he does 1 (because I wfh and he has to be in the office 8 - 5pm and neither of us like DD to be in childcare if we can help it). We do 1 day and night each over the weekend or something different if we need to! He took DD all weekend the one before last to go see his family.

We've both been adult about money and other decisions and have come out the other end without tearing each other to bits. It can be done!

It is painful irrespective of how it is ending but it does get better. Telling my DC was the worse day of my life but they have adjusted. Still some rough times but they are rare..generally we are very happy. It is good to hear of a kind man..not enough of that on MN so people do post with warnings because abusive men do not react well to the lack of control via divorce.

Did he have DC with previous marriage? I think of he has remained amicable with previous wife, it bodes well.

Thanks for all the virtual hugs - I need them! Slightly falling apart here and only just kept it together in work today...

No, no kids with his first wife. He said I should have seen one divorce as a warning sign he doesn't do marriage very well! I'm feeling quite angry with myself that I put my career on the back burner quite so much and that my safety net is going. Also a bit bitter that materially dh's life won't be affected much but mine really will. He's being a bit cold about discussing money so I think mediation might be the way to go.

In other news, I've got a house and have a moving out date. So much to sort though. Sorry for not replying to individual contributions - I hope all.of you going through similar are coping okay. My head is a mess but I do have a really supportive friendship group luckily.

How are you doing @Misty? X