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Original poster

Explaining affair to 7yo?

60 replies

Ginname · 01/03/2019 13:30

A couple close to us are breaking up due to an affair. The person who has had the affair is a relative, kids involved. It has been going on a long time and is still continuing. A lot of lies have been told, affecting me and other family members, so the impact is not just limited to the couple and many people are hurt.

I have to decide what to tell my 7yo. Options I can see are:
A: X and y are breaking up as they don't get on/don't love each other anymore
B: X and y are breaking up because X has been going out with someone else
C: X and y are breaking up. If asked, I don't know why, but there are lots of reasons people break up. Discuss some examples including affairs.

Relatives want me to go with A, which is what the kids of the couple breaking up have been told. I am not comfortable about this as I feel sooner or later the truth is likely to come out and it will be clear that I have not been honest. Also my DC is likely to notice that certain family members are not speaking/on bad terms and I feel I need to give some sort of explanation.

B feels a bit brutal and runs the risk of my DC then spreading the news far and wide. But at least it is honest and allows us to talk about why people are hurt.

C is what I am tempted to do, but I feel it may be difficult to sustain as DC likes to ask lots of questions and might ask me to find out why. I suppose I could just say it isn't our business.

If anyone else has dealt with a similar situation I would really like to hear how you handled it. As background, DC is already aware of family breakups and sometimes asks if DP and I will break up, so I need to deal with this in a way that won't make them more anxious. Thank you.

OP posts:
thefirst48 · 01/03/2019 13:32

Why the hell would you tell a 7 year old about an affair?!?

LemonTT · 01/03/2019 13:35

Clearly A. But even more so if that’s what the couple have told their children.

Unless you are out to cause more angst for them and their children.

purpleboy · 01/03/2019 13:36

I don't think you need to fully disclose, and I don't think it will come back to bite you in the ass. A 7yo will probably not understand the concept of an affair. I think it's best to go with A I'm not sure a 7yo will even be that interested.

Lichtie · 01/03/2019 13:37

The truth will come out about santa and the tooth fairy too, they get over it. No need to lay anything about an affair on a 7 year old, or to discuss it in any length at all.

poppingoff · 01/03/2019 13:37

You don't mention the affair. If, in many years to come, your DC does ask, then fine. I'd be very surprised if they felt that you behaved dishonestly. You just say it wasn't appropriate to give them details.

If the actual children involved don't need to know there was any affair (quite right if they are only little), then no way do yours.

auntsarent · 01/03/2019 13:39

If you go with B you’re own DC will likely become anxious about you/DP going out with someone else.

Tennesseewhiskey · 01/03/2019 13:39

Are you joking?

This isn't your relationship. The kids actually involved have been told this. That's what their parents have decided. Why would you tell your kids something different?

I cant believe you think you should get to decide the narrative. Also, a 7 year old, any 7 year old does not need to know the ins and outs of an adult relationship. Even if this was your relationship. There is definitely no need for them to know the details of someone else parents relationship.

Original poster
Ginname · 01/03/2019 13:44

Thank you for the pretty unanimous replies so far. I am not seriously considering B, but I am surprised by the strength of reaction as in RL I know many people who have done this.

Interested in any views on C though. I suppose I don't like the thought of lying hence my leaning to C. Am I just overthinking this?

OP posts:
Tennesseewhiskey · 01/03/2019 13:45

No they dont need to know why some people split up.

purpleboy · 01/03/2019 13:51

A and C could go hand in us depending on how much discussion you need to have. Your slightly overthinking it and I wouldn't put so much thought into it, just start the conversation and see where it goes, if DC isn't interested then don't push it.

Louisianna16 · 01/03/2019 14:05

You stick with whatever the couple concerned have told their children , of course.
I can't quite understand why you feel you need to think about this in any detail at all.

PikaPikaTink · 01/03/2019 14:07

Just say they are breaking up and the reasons are their business. Why on earth do you think your 7 year old needs an explanation as to why?

ComeMonday · 01/03/2019 14:11

Clearly A. There is no need to even put the affair concept in your child’s head. And C is just a backhanded approach to doing A. I honestly think your personal feelings about the situation are clouding your judgment on what’s best for your child.

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/03/2019 14:12

The truth may well come out sooner or later, but your 7-year-old isn’t going to be made a party to it. At most, they’ll just be meeting a new partner of whoever had the affair.

You tell your DC what the couple’s own DC have been told. Which isn’t “lying”. The couple can’t be together anymore because they don’t love each other. This happens to some couples. You very much hope it won’t happen to you and their dad, because you and he are very happy together. That’s all they need to know.

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/03/2019 14:15

I had a friend when I was in primary school whose mother told her far too many things about the relationships of adults around her that she didn’t need to know and, looking back, I think it was completely wrong of her and makes me feel sad for my friend. A small child doesn’t need to carry the weight of adult emotions and complexities.

fruitbrewhaha · 01/03/2019 14:18

The only reason you want to tell your child what happened is so you can turn them against the cheating relative, and also in he hope that your DC spills the beans to the children involved.

You are clearly upset about what this person has done but do not tell your child or anyone else about it. The couple splitting up need to co parent their children and you stirring is going to make this transition even harder.

I know you have already been dragged into it, but keep out. Just tell your child they are splitting up, no further details are needed

RhymingRabbit · 01/03/2019 14:18

And what if your child tells their children what they've been told? Do you want to add to their pain and distress?

There is absolutely NO need to discuss an affair with a child EVER. And if It does get back to the children who It ACTUALLY involves, it can cause irreparable damage to their relationships with their parents, their self-esteem and their ultimately their ability to firm relationships. I honestly can't understand why you think this is about you and your child?

Picklypickles · 01/03/2019 14:21

My mum cheated on my dad with my now stepdad when I was very young. I found out in my mid twenties (from mum) that mum and dad were still together when she had started seeing stepdad. I was very shocked and pretty hurt, but I didn't ever question why she hadn't told me this as a child. I knew it wasn't anything I needed to know back then, I wouldn't have understood and it would have made my relationship with stepdad even worse than it was. In all honesty I wish she hadn't ever told me the truth.

Lizzie48 · 01/03/2019 15:06

Clearly A. Why on Earth would you tell your 7 year old that they broke up because of an affair? Why would they need to know??

MrsBertBibby · 01/03/2019 15:09

C! With a side order of "it's not really our business"

I agree lying isn't ok, but you really don't need to tell a 7 year old stuff that they'd likely repeat to their cousins.

PlinkPlink · 01/03/2019 15:16

A with the addendum: "and x fell in love with someone else".

It's what my mum said to me when my DF had a long term affair. They split. She made it very clear that it didn't mean he loved me any less (comforting at the time but his actions later said different).

Don't lie to kids. They're not stupid. I think the best you can do is A.

ShadyLady53 · 01/03/2019 15:18

As a child whose parent had an affair what made it worse was knowing that other children knew about our private family business and I was actually teased “your Daaaaddd had an affaaaaaaairrr!”. It was humiliating. When a child said this to me at a hobby and I burst out crying the child’s father said, “So? It’s true! She’s not done anything wrong. If you want to get upset with someone get upset with your father but don’t be trying to make my child look bad by crying for attention.”

Your child does not need to know about the sexual and romantic lives of other adults. It baffles me to think that there are parents who think it’s appropriate to discuss the intimate reasons for which adults end relationships with children. It’s not.

Wait and see if the child asks and then answer a very simple version of A. “X and Y have decided not to live together anymore as they are both happier apart.” If the child asks more, “I’m not sure sweetheart, it’s a private grown up matter between them and it’s not really any of our business”. End of.

LaughingCow99 · 01/03/2019 15:19

Oh get a grip. Can't believe you feel it's necessary to go into any detail at all. Ridiculous

Auntiepatricia · 01/03/2019 15:22

For goodness sake OP, he’s 7. Affairs are a huge and very adult issue. Don’t burden him with that at this age. He would have no clue what to do with it and honestly, children shouldn’t be dragged into the nasty world if being an adult. They are not entitled to private details of adult relationships, truth or not.

Just tell him A. Also the truth and more than enough information to put on young shoulders.

pocketsaviour · 01/03/2019 15:30

@ShadyLady53

I've been there :( It's shit isn't it.

My dad had continual affairs throughout my childhood and early teens.

As I got older he actually started using me as cover. So we'd go to an activity such as a sports club, he'd set me up playing matches with the other juniors, then he and his current OW would "go for a cigarette outside" aka a shag in her car 🤢

Worst time was when my mum had (for probably the 10th time) told him to leave. He was gone for about 10 days before the OW realised what a shit he was and threw him back. My mum invariably let him back.

At school the following week my best friend asked me "Did your dad come back then"
I said "Yes he finished his job" (this was the story my mum had told - that he was away on business)
She smirked and said "My mummy says actually he left because he was making babies with someone else"

I punched her in the face 😳
(Thankfully she forgave me and we were inseparable for the rest of primary)

OP I would go with A. Because it's the truth, right? They're not getting on and have fallen out of love.

Are you worried about the cheating party bringing new partner to family events etc? In that case just wait until a few days before the event and tell DC "So Uncle Bob has a new girlfriend, her name is Sheila, and she's going to come to Grandma's birthday meal. It'll be interesting to meet her, right?"