Explaining affair to 7yo?

[Ginname]

A couple close to us are breaking up due to an affair. The person who has had the affair is a relative, kids involved. It has been going on a long time and is still continuing. A lot of lies have been told, affecting me and other family members, so the impact is not just limited to the couple and many people are hurt.

I have to decide what to tell my 7yo. Options I can see are:
A: X and y are breaking up as they don't get on/don't love each other anymore
B: X and y are breaking up because X has been going out with someone else
C: X and y are breaking up. If asked, I don't know why, but there are lots of reasons people break up. Discuss some examples including affairs.

Relatives want me to go with A, which is what the kids of the couple breaking up have been told. I am not comfortable about this as I feel sooner or later the truth is likely to come out and it will be clear that I have not been honest. Also my DC is likely to notice that certain family members are not speaking/on bad terms and I feel I need to give some sort of explanation.

B feels a bit brutal and runs the risk of my DC then spreading the news far and wide. But at least it is honest and allows us to talk about why people are hurt.

C is what I am tempted to do, but I feel it may be difficult to sustain as DC likes to ask lots of questions and might ask me to find out why. I suppose I could just say it isn't our business.

If anyone else has dealt with a similar situation I would really like to hear how you handled it. As background, DC is already aware of family breakups and sometimes asks if DP and I will break up, so I need to deal with this in a way that won't make them more anxious. Thank you.

I would tell my child that they had split up I.e. they won’t be married anymore but they will still be mum and dad to the kids. Dad is moving to another house and his children will see him there ( assuming that’s the case ).

When child asks why, I would say “ well we don’t know all the reasons because it’s not any of our business. Why do YOU think that asuots split up? “

That gives you a chance to correct any wild misconceptions in a general way.

Eg I felout with Emma because she borrowed my pencil without asking - usually adult break up over very big problems that they have tried to fix for a long time but couldn’t.

Eg Sophie said her dad left because she was naughty and didn’t tidy her room - adults split up because of adult problems, it’s NEVER the kids fault.

Etc etc

A with the addendum: "and x fell in love with someone else".

What the fuck? Why does a 7 year old need to know that, especially when the kids whose parents this is, dont. And what if the person having the affair isn't in love.

It's simple. They aren't together anymore and the reasons and their own business. No kids need to be brought into this or have a right to the information.

@pocketsaviour yep it’s shit. We actually found out at my school parent’s evening. I wish I’d been the kind of kid to lash out and punch but I just internalised it all and felt like I hadn’t been enough. It’s hugely affected my sense of self worth and ability to accept love from a man. The shame that comes with it and feeling like you’re a bad kid or fodder for playground and family gossip for something that was never your fault is just utterly devastating.

I find adults that tell their kids about something like this utterly despicable. Yeah, my Dad has an affair but that kid’s Dad intentionally humiliated an innocent child who was trying to forget about the shit that was happening at home at her hobby and blamed that child for his own little bitch of a daughter’s nastiness, brought about by his own gossiping and telling a child inappropriate things. My Dad was/is a lot of things but he wasn’t sadistic and cruel.

Do not expose a child to adult issues. Affairs are complex and the notion that people can go off and love another person could leave your lo insecure.

@ShadyLady53

It’s hugely affected my sense of self worth and ability to accept love from a man.

Get yourself on the Stately Homes thread on this board. It really helped me to stop normalising my childhood and accept that actually, yes it was crap, and I needed to do some work to help me build better boundaries, stop apologising for everything, etc.

Only since I've been on here have I realised some parents inability to say 'no' or 'thats not your business' to their children!!

FGS it's A - if your DC start questioning further you just say it's between them and nothing to do with us. You can tell them when they are older and understand adult relationships if they ask.

The part of your post I am most shocked by is that you would consider willingly causing pain to the children of the couple (you know, the children it ACTUALLY affects). You give the same response as the couple have as otherwise your child will tell the kids no matter how much you think they won't and how mature you think they are because they are 7! With no grasp of the hurt their words could cause.

A the reasons why are none of their business.

@pocketsaviour thanks, I will take a look over there x

@TennesseeWilliams

I did! I needed to make sense of the fact that I was spending Sundays with my father and his OW. I needed to make sense of the past however many months and years where he'd been spending more time with her than his family.

It let me not see the OW as the enemy. It let me see a valid reason for why he left. It made more sense to me as a 7 year old.

I was relaying a personal situation which may or may not apply in this situation. OP can decide whether that's the right option or not without you asking me 'What the fuck?!'

PlinkPlink the ops kids are not the kids who may spend time with an ow.

Those kids may not spend time with ow. No kids need to know an affair was involved.

Kids do not need involving in adult issues. Especially when its mot even those kids parents.

Or D: X and Y are splitting up and it’s none of our business why.

Please, please, please don’t even hint to your children that the other father may have had an affair. They will tell the children involved, they won’t be able to help themselves.
I found out about one of my dad’s affairs because a child in my class told me. Similar situation, my dad had been having an affair with the other child’s auntie, that child’s Mam and dad had discussed it in front of him. I was devastated and humiliated. I didn’t understand, and I was too young and scared to go home and ask my mam. It played on my mind for years, I wasn’t mature enough to properly comprehend the information.

Your children don’t need to know the details, and to be honest I don’t imagine they’ll be that interested.

It is shocking that you would even consider telling a SEVEN year old about an affair. For god's sake, where is your common sense?

Seriously OP! What do think you will achieve by not singing from the same hymn sheet? Are you going to swear your child to secrecy or are you going to risk them blabbing and confusing these kids even more?

Think it through woman! This is not about you and your moral compass, this is about the emotional well-being of young children. There will be plenty of time for your child to find out what a shit your relative is later.

DD has no choice in getting the warts and all truth about her Dad because the shit assaulted me in front of her. I’ve had to explain him terminating contact as some people aren’t very good at accepting the extraordinary privilege of raising a child. And yes you’ve guessed it ‘the gift that keeps on giving’ has excitedly announced to DD that she is going to be a big sister. To a sibling she will have no contact with because her father has limited contact with her to three pre recorded Skype recordings per year. Oh and he’s living in Vietnam to escape paying maintenance for the last 9 of DD’s 12 years.

However, we win because Mr Toxic isn’t in our lives!

I get the anger and frustration but think about the kids, keep it short and keep it simple.

It's most likely a case of don't offer too much information until asked.

If really pressed for it, I don't think I'd mention affair or cheating, but rather that one person doesn't love the other anymore. Or loves someone else more. And the other is angry.

In any case, I imagine that for a 7 year old, the most important question will be whether their parents can also split up (if you're together).

You don't tell them about the affair they are 7yo.

Even my 14yo ds doesn't know that his dad and I split when he was 1 due to dads ONS.
He just knows we didn't want to be together.

Even now he's realised his dads a waste of space twat and will bailey announce it - I would never tell him.

I would go with a, when the child is older you can tell them the truth. It’s not lying - it’s just avoiding sharing unnecessary information with them that isn’t even age appropriate.

Oh tough shit if you are uncomfortable, it's not about you. What if one of your kids blab to the affected children? I cant believe that you are that stupid you needed this to be explained to you. Fgs it's not about you.

Age appropriate. Always.
I fear you may be projecting your own frustrations in this situation, which is completely understandable.
However, least said soonest mended.

My DB has left his wife of nearly 40 years for another woman.
My kids are over 10.
We told them that uncle and aunt my are getting a divorce and we wouldn't be seeing aunts anymore, then have talked about uncles girl friends
TbH they just aren't that interested in the ins and outs of adult relationships.
No need for details basic facts are enough.

A.

Option A is not a lie.

X doesn't love Y anymore (because Y has been having an affair)

Y clearly doesn't love X anymore (if they did they wouldn't be having an affair).

You don't need to go into the details of why they don't love each other anymore. They just don't.

I think it will inevitably cause a bit of.anxity about the state of your marriage, but just reassure. A detailed explanation of what went on is not going to help anyone!

I'm sorry I find this very odd. Does a 7 year old need to know why? If they ask just tell them you don't know - its really none of their business and the kids involved are a priority - your child should not know something they don't know. Sounds like you are over invested in this relative's relationship/marriage.

You don't need to lie to your DC, but neither do you need to tell them the whole truth. You say a version of the truth. They didn't love each other 'enough' to stay married, so they have separated. That is the truth.

This is nothing to do with you. It's option A

IME adults over-think this stuff in ways which kids just don’t.

I knew about family’s affairs when I was growing up, and I had friends whose parents had affairs both during their marriages and who left partners for OM in one instance and then came back some months later.

The kids all just chattered about it because someone had told them, but none of us attributed all this heavy emotion to the idea that adults do.

You just tell the kids that x and y aren’t together any more. Given that many people split these days they won’t really care why, and the family rift is likely to heal over time anyway.

And even parents who tell their children about their mum or dad’s affairs are doing them no favours. So let’s say that mum tells little Johnny that daddy has left to be with another woman. Daddy then tells little Johnny that he left because mummy wasn’t very nice to him and new woman is. How confusing is that going to be for a child?

My cousin left his DP for another woman a few years ago. From what he says his DP was emotionally abusive. I don’t know. I don’t condone him having had an affair, however her subsequent reaction towards her own dc, I.e. letting them have a relationship with his parents while they were supportive of her, and as soon as they re-established a relationship with him I.e. their own son, her telling the youngest that she shouldn’t have a relationship with them any more because they’re friends with her dad hasn’t impressed me either. Being an injured party doesn’t give you cart Blanche to drag the kids into the bitterness as well,and on that basis I’d be inclined to think that there is some truth in the allegations that she’s emotionally abusive.