Are all men useless

[Bumblebee27]

Feeling a bit dejected in my relationship at the minute. Don't know it my partner is emotionally rubbish or if I'm just expecting too much so some outsider perspective would be really useful.

He isn't a bad man at all. He's caring and funny and does consider me. But more and more I'm feeling like he doesn't genuinely care about my feelings and things that are important to me. A few examples include how he knows I'm struggling for money but continues to treat himself to purely selfish things (clothing, new car) and doesn't see how this might be frustrating when I'm skint and he earns a lot more than me.

If we have a row I can stew on it for days whereas he'll just carry on as normal, doesn't even bother texting me when he knows I'm upset.

If he has an issue I try and help and offer comfort and support. If I have an issue it's almost like 'get on with it'.

Goes out and does his own thing a lot leaving me and my son at home to occupy ourselves - again no issue with him having hobbies outside of the relationship but in moderation is surely important?

I know some of this sounds petty. Just wondering if men really are very different to women emotionally? Please make me feel better with stories about your rubbish partners x

Yes, all men are useless.

All women are evil, scheming wenches who just want a man's money.

All French people wear strings of garlic round their necks.

All disabled people have a wheelchair.

All Italians are in the mafia.

FFS.

Just a thought - but inviting other mumsnet users to slag off men probably isn't going to help you resolve the issues with your man. Talking to him constructively, in the spirit of mutually working on your relationship, on the other hand, might achieve something....

Hi OP what is the status of your relationship? Are you married, co-habiting, dating or what?

Like the PP ... Married? Live together? Is it his son? How long have you been together? Do you work? Does he work?

No, all men are not useless. My DH is wonderful. Stop generalising.

As a pp said, what’s the state of your relationship? Living together?

Do you live together? Is he the father of your son?

I think we all know not all men are useless. OP just sounds fed up.

You can't expect him to not buy things because you might get upset. Nor she he have to stew over arguments just because you choose to.

Woman up. You need to take control of your life, your choices and feelings, not heap blame on him.

Living together, been together two years. My son from previous relationship. Both work.

I'm sorry for the bad wording, I'm not generalising but it is widely accepted that men and women see things differently. I can accept that I do overthink and get overly emotional about things. I have tried to talk to him but it feels like he listens, we'll have a chat but ultimately nothing changes. It feels like he just wants a smiling cheerful partner and when I get down about us he's just like 'ffs what now'

You seem to be separate islands rather than working as a team in your relationship, regardless of whether you were in a relationship with a man or a woman this would cause issues probably so I don't think it is a 'man thing'. I think it is a 'you're annoyed with your significant other and the relationship isn't working as you think it should' thing.

Bumblebee I've just read your latest post.

You sound unhappy in your relationship. Have a think about what you really want. You don't have to settle if you are not happy.

Not only would DH not buy purchases if we were skint, which in the early years we often were but our money is ours; no separate pots. He's a dick!

@Missnearlyvintage I think you've hit the nail on the head with that. The frustrating thing is that I love the bugger to bits and things can be good but yeah right now the relationship isn't working as I feel it should and I'm not sure what to do to fix it.

It sounds like your partner is not fully committed to a family life. That he sees himself as a separate entity to you and your son.

If this is how he has been all the years then he is unlikely to change.

If you live with a partner, with or without children then you share your lives a little more than he is sharing.

That does not mean that neither has independent hobbies/friends, nor should he necessarily provide for your son. However if you join a family then you should be a little more united in your approach to family life.

He seems like a single man living with a woman who has a child with someone else. It does it seem like a family.

I think, and I'm generalising here as there are always exceptions, that men are less invested in feelings and emotions than women. So in many relationships women can find themselves giving more emotionally and being disappointed when they don't receive the same level back. People will come on here and disagree with me, but you just have to take a look at the relationships board on here or talk to people in real life, to see this is quite common in relationships. It's rarely men complaining it's the other way round. Obviously 'all' men aren't like that, but far too many are.

It sounds like you both want different things. Nothing wrong with what he’s doing & nothing wrong with what you want. You’re just incompatible by the sounds of it.

Thanks for you status update OP
How long have you been living together?
How old is your son?
How old are the both of you?
Do you guys split the household bills equally?
Is he benefitting from living with a single mum with a young child?
Sorry to sound intrusive ... Just want a better idea of your situation before putting thoughts out there.

Nope, not all men are useless. Mine is wonderful and I adore him. Also, although we're not married and don't have a proper joint account, all money is family money. We have an account which is used for spending (clothes for our son, if I need anything for the baby, food, etc) which always has money in. No way would he see me without just because he's the higher Earner. Why? Because we're in a partnership, with mutual love and respect.

You sound miserable and he sounds like a knob. Have a chat, if things don't change, id seriously consider leaving!

Please don't get me wrong, he has done things for the 'family unit' - paid for holidays and home improvements and so on. He's not completely useless lol.

I just feel we are on different pages in some areas and for some reason I find it very hard to talk to him about sensitive things like money. I think we do lack communication and I'm not sure why. But yeah I feel thoroughly miserable atm and really not sure how to improve things because when I do try and talk to him very little seems to get resolved.

You're not expecting too much.

For reference, I also live with my partner and my DD who is not his. I'm skint lately, I've had a rough patch with my business and health. He's by no means a high earner as he's working hard to get a business off the ground himself. But he's never once hesitated in stepping up and supporting us all. He only takes days off for 'family time' at the moment as that's most important to him.

They're not all useless but your DP sounds like he is.

@bumblebee27**

My initial reply was going to be a simple yes they are! However judging my some of the other replies id be generalising (when just joking/ letting off steam!).
On a serious note I do feel that men and women view things differently and maybe on different levels emotionally sometimes. I feel similar to you at present in that love dh to bits and in some ways things are good however I feel things aren't quite right and aren't happy with some aspects. Like you however I wasn't sure if I'm being unreasonable/ needy and wanting too much so thank you for posting as am sure some of the posters will offer valuable advice and useful perspective

Are you sure he see you as a family unit?
This is why I was asking could he be benefitting living with you?
Are bills paid equally?
If he pays rent, mortgage, utilities, home improvements what more do you want then?
He may assume you have child maintenance coming in from the child's father.
If he pays his way as above ... Then yes you are being very selfish in begrudging him clothes and car he has bought with his hard earned cash ... However, if he doesn't pay as listed above ... Then he's using you to save money and spend on himself and he doesn't see you as someone that he wants a future with just a stop gap.
Your ages are also relevant ... If he's under 40 and doesn't pay his way ... Then your not the one he'll be settling down with.

He is over 40. Has plenty of his own money so it's not like he needs me to pay his way. We split bills pretty equally which sometimes feels a bit unfair as he earns a lot more. But he does pay for things when we go out, holidays, big expenses, recently had a boiler breakdown and he sorted all of that.

I wouldn't say he is tight or conniving with money at all. I sometimes think he is oblivious to my situation and feelings. I'm sure if I came out and said look I need some help financially he would step up. But I don't want to have to ask, I don't know why he can't see what's under his nose. Same with my feelings. He can see im unhappy but doesn't seem to want to do anything to help. He'll often say 'I'm worried about you' but if I try to have a conversation it feels like nothing gets resolved.

Please don't get me wrong, he has done things for the 'family unit' - paid for holidays and home improvements and so on. He's not completely useless lol

I dont know, although better than nothing, they dont seem particularly supportive things. I mean the holidays great but I bet he really enjoyed that. And everyone pays for home improvements.

Does he say "you're skint at the moment, I'll buy that stuff that DS needs" or "if i pay for that this month, you can afford to go and trrat yourself".

Money is such a difficult subject - particularly in a situation where he is not the father. There have been times we've had to talk about money and Ive been veru conscious of implying DP should be paying for DD. But he doesn't see it as that.

You dont have to make it all about money - the constantly going off and not spending much time as a family unit is a good place to start.

OK so far so good as that in he's not using you.
So I take it's a rental home?
You're right splitting equally doesn't work if one earns more than the other ... There is a benefit there for him sort of ...
Ask him to split the bills as a percentage of what you earn ... For instance ...
Of you earn £35k and he earns £120k ask him to split the bills proportionally to that earning ratio ... If he refuses he doesn't care about you ... It is plausible it hasn't occured to him ... But if you tell him, which you must, he's not a mind reader and that financial dynamic still does not change ... Then he's not in this for the long run.
As for the arguments ... It's a good thing he doesn't fester.

I wouldn't say he is tight or conniving with money at all. I sometimes think he is oblivious to my situation and feelings. I'm sure if I came out and said look I need some help financially he would step up. But I don't want to have to ask, I don't know why he can't see what's under his nose. Same with my feelings. He can see im unhappy but doesn't seem to want to do anything to help. He'll often say 'I'm worried about you' but if I try to have a conversation it feels like nothing gets resolved
He's not oblivious. Nobody could be. He's just happy with the status quo. You need to talk properly and make him listen and if he won't you and your son deserve better.

To give you an idea ... My partner and I don't really know where we are with our relationship ... However, he's buying me car for work with no expectation of being paid back ... When people care about each other money doesn't factor in.