Are all men useless

[Bumblebee27]

Feeling a bit dejected in my relationship at the minute. Don't know it my partner is emotionally rubbish or if I'm just expecting too much so some outsider perspective would be really useful.

He isn't a bad man at all. He's caring and funny and does consider me. But more and more I'm feeling like he doesn't genuinely care about my feelings and things that are important to me. A few examples include how he knows I'm struggling for money but continues to treat himself to purely selfish things (clothing, new car) and doesn't see how this might be frustrating when I'm skint and he earns a lot more than me.

If we have a row I can stew on it for days whereas he'll just carry on as normal, doesn't even bother texting me when he knows I'm upset.

If he has an issue I try and help and offer comfort and support. If I have an issue it's almost like 'get on with it'.

Goes out and does his own thing a lot leaving me and my son at home to occupy ourselves - again no issue with him having hobbies outside of the relationship but in moderation is surely important?

I know some of this sounds petty. Just wondering if men really are very different to women emotionally? Please make me feel better with stories about your rubbish partners x

Be honest, when he says 'I'm worried about you", how do you normally respond. do you give him the casual i'm fine, or do you take the opportunity and actually have a conversation about what is going on. He was giving you the opening and you had his attention, would you normally take it or just avoid the situation. Do you share your financial details with each other or are they separate?

He's not committed to you. He's not 'all in'. He never will be by the sounds of it.

Also, you're not married so he doesn't actually have to give you money or help you financially. And I imagine he has zero intention of that status quo ever changing.

So you'd probably do better on your own, definitely financially, but in other ways too.

I think some men simply don’t have that emotive streak, does he actually know you are short of cash or are you too embarrassed to say because if that’s the case I think you should come to the point and say that paying 50% of bills leaves you short of cash, as he earns a lot more and seems to have quite a bit of spare money, can bills be paid in proportion to earnings, if he says no I think it tells you a lot about how he sees the relationship which is a nice arrangement for him with added benefits, but not a long term family unit

I wouldn't say he is tight or conniving with money at all. I sometimes think he is oblivious to my situation and feelings. I'm sure if I came out and said look I need some help financially he would step up. But I don't want to have to ask,

Omg just ask. A lot of men are clueless and he cannot read your mind. You shouldn't be in an relationship if you are afraid to have discussions with your partner about the concerns you are having.

It's really not clear to me what the financial position is, and how 'fair' (which is often very subjective), but there are a lot of people rushing to judgment.

@user1479305498 I absolutely know if I did say that he wouldn't say no but you're right, I am embarrassed and I don't like to ask him or anyone else for financial support. Yes you can argue that if you don't ask you don't get and I should be able to speak to him openly about this stuff. But sometimes it would be nice if he was a bit more aware of things around him.

Maybe you're just not compatible and/or not wanting the same things out of the relationship. That doesn't mean he's useless. There certainly are a lot of useless men, going by the many threads on MN about them, but they aren't all useless. Mine isn't anyway.

This may sound dumb, but please 'bare with' read men are from mars, women are from Venus.
You can probably pick it up from eBay or a charity shop. I read it almost 20 years ago.
Really easy read and pretty funny, but literally every page relates to most of us, whether we've found a gem or in some cases a big pebble. Just remember though, a large pebble could also be your rock.
I'm definitely not a self help book reader, but my good friend insisted I read it and I genuinely found it really insightful, and helpful.
Men and women are different and often we hit a bumpy road because we both want the other to see it our way.

Someone quoted a lot of stuff from 'Men are from Mars...' on MN recently. It was nauseatingly old-fashioned, sexist tripe.

It’s coming across rather clearly that the biggest issue is money. You mentioned that he covers holidays, home improvements and pays his half. Apparently this isn’t enough, and you are yet to explain why you feel he should be financing your lifestyle..

Sigh, I should have known it would go in this direction. It is MN after all. Half of people saying he's a dick and I should leave, the other half suggesting I'm a money grabber and he shouldn't have to finance my lifestyle.

For the record it's not about money it's about what it represents which is us being a team. I appreciate all the helpful comments. I will be having a frank and honest chat with him tomorrow and see where we go from there.

Hope the chat helps tomorrow Bumblebee27, if anything it should give you a clearer sense of where you both are in the relationship and whether change is needed/ is possible.

this sounds terrible but your partner sounds a bit like me. I like to spend my money on myself, I've generally always been happy person who likes to have a laugh etc and when my wife went through a low point I found it hard to acknowledge and deal with as I just wanted everything to be ok.

Is there anyone else you can get the emotional support from that you need?

I know my wife talks a lot about her issues with a male friend of ours who has battled similar issues and if it helps her I'm grateful for that because it was something that I struggled to deal with.

@officeworker36 that's a really honest and refreshing post, thank you for sharing. It helps to know that it's not just him lol. All kinds of terrible things go through my mind - some of which have been vocalised here - he doesn't love me, he isn't committed, we aren't compatible. As daft as it sounds it's a relief to maybe consider the fact that he's just a bit silly and selfish. Doesn't mean that he doesn't care, just means that he sees things differently to me.

I think it would be reasonable to sit down and get him to pay more than 50% of the mortgage or rent. Other than that, I think you have unreasonable financial expectations of him. If you're not married, you don't want to become financially dependent on him anyhow.

think it helps sometimes to get a man's independent view. I love my wife very much but we are different people emotionally at times.

We're not always compatible, we don't have much in common (she refuses to watch Game Of Thrones with me and I refuse to watch medical dramas with her 😂) and we enjoy doing different activities. It's a hard marriage at times yes but it doesn't mean our relationship is doomed.

I go out with my friends quite often, maybe once a month whereas she hardly ever goes out. But she has the final say on most family things like holidays etc which winds me up, but it doesn't mean the relationship doesn't work.

Try and seek the support you need from other people instead. You don't have to be everything to each other.

Happy to report that the chat went well. He seemed genuinely shocked by some of my concerns especially those about him not being committed. He bit back with how I need to talk to him if I'm struggling or worried rather than just keeping it bottled up and being miserable. Money wise we haven't made any arrangements yet...I still can't quite bring myself to ask for more monthly payments especially since he's shelled out on other big costs lately but I am feeling better about the relationship in general.
Think we both know we've let things slip a bit in terms of effort but we do love each other and are planning a night away next week to reconnect a bit.

good result, glad you managed to sort something out

How did you support yourself before you met? If he’s paying half bills etc, how are you struggling? It sounds like he does pay his way but you have an expectation that it should be more but don’t want to say so.

Your thread title is offensive and you sound entitled. Given his generosity in paying for holidays and a new boiler why do think you should be entitled to more monthly payments? What exactly are his contributions not covering?

@AgentJohnson since he moved in I've lost all of my single person tax credits, discounts etc (I work full time on low income) so my bills have gone up. Not to mention food costs etc. I am in no way 'entitled' - I just feel (as several other people here apparently do) that monthly costs should be proportionate to earnings. Would you be happy to see a partner struggle if you were raking it in?

I'm very grateful for the things he does do and he knows that.

Some people think it should be proportionate. Others think it should be equal shares. Others think it should all be one pot. There is no right answer. Do you have a mortgage for instance? And once kids come into the mix it is even more difficult.

Presumably you talked about it when you moved in together? What's changed since then?

You sound a bit ungrateful to be honest. Perhaps you should sit down together and work out exactly how much your costs are greater since you moved in together, and get him to contribute to cover this. That would be fair. You need to negotiate this. By the sound of it though you just want him to generously provide for you, without asking. Because he earns more? Because he's the man?

@Scott72 not sure how I'm ungrateful when all I want is exactly what you've just suggested - a fair negotiation thats proportionate to our earnings?

Not to mention the fact I literally said I was grateful for all he does in my last post 🤦🏻‍♀️

I obviously don’t know the rights and wrongs of this situation but I would say as a general observation that some men are not very intuitive about certain matters - particularly if it means reading between the lines. You’re much better off stating explicitly what you want / need from them rather than expecting them to know. My DH is very good, thoughtful but does not pick up on things that I think of as obvious. The idea that “ he should know” is countered by “ why didn’t you say?” Don’t be a martyr.

@SpiritedLondon yeah I think you are bang on with this. I get more frustrated by the lack of understanding than I do the actual situation itself. I sort of feel like he should know but I'm beginning to see that it doesn't always work like that. He seemed quite shocked when I explained my concerns, it hadn't even crossed his mind. He thought everything was ok because he's happy.