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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Male acquaintance apologised for behaviour - forgive or not

70 replies

Runorforgive · 28/02/2019 17:07

I'll try to keep this concise. I had a bad end to a serious 1 year relationship, ex was EA and in the end was violent and tried to strangle me. I have been going to counselling etc and thought I was doing OK and made progress. Ex is in prison for something else so is not a threat which has helped me to recover.

I've been meeting an old acquaintance at a mutual friend's request as they are located overseas. Old Acquiantance (OA) is generally considered to be a good man, he's respected by a lot of people and has always treated me and everyone else I know about kindly and helped them out when needed. He's had a tough time lately, he lost his job and had to relocate back to UK from overseas, his short term relationship fell apart unexpectedly - mutual friend says he was not treated well by his ex as she cheated on him and made him feel rubbish about himself. This has been backed up by a number of people.

I went to meet him last week, all seemed OK at first and normal. Things are usually a bit stilted anyway as I would say we are friendly but don't know each other very well. Like university friends you see maybe once in a while. I asked him how his job search was going and he completely flipped. He started shouting about why did I keep meeting him as it was pointless and grabbed me around the top of my shoulders. It triggered thoughts about my ex who used to shout in my face and point at me so I got upset and told him he was right and I would get mutual friend to contact him instead as I only did it because they asked me to. I was terrified. This man is about a foot taller than me and a lot stronger, so I went into flight mode and walked out in tears.

OA man has called mutual friend almost straight away to say he was sorry, he was having a horrible day and had heard some bad news and he should have just cancelled meeting up. Very regretful about how he treated me and totally beside himself he upset me. Mutual friend says they feel the regret and remorse is truly sincere. OA man has also sent a five page handwritten letter apologising and saying he will work on being a better person and that he hopes I am OK and that he knows he has hurt me. He says he can't forgive himself.

I struggle trusting my judgement after ex, so I am not sure what to do. Should I accept the apology and just tone down the meeting up? Should I run away and never see him ever again? Should I only meet him when other people are around? I am really stuck. It was so out of character for OA man to behave like this but I am also cautious because of how ex behaved and treated me.

Sorry it's so long. Thoughts and advice please.

OP posts:

Wenttoseainasieve · 28/02/2019 17:12

Never see him again. What right has he to do that to you?! WTF

youaremyrain · 28/02/2019 17:14

Never see him again! How awful! You are either the sort of person to physically assault a smaller person than you, or you are not. Regardless of "having a bad day"

ChakiraChakra · 28/02/2019 17:17

I would accept the apology AND be very clear that I would not be seeing him again.

That is a clear and healthy boundary.

(I'd also think that the story about who abused who in his previous relationship was reversed)

ChakiraChakra · 28/02/2019 17:19

And to be clear, I would block him, and I'd be VERY cross if my friend tried to guilt or manipulate me into changing my mind. I'd be prepared to block them too if they did that.

forumdonkey · 28/02/2019 17:22

Wtf?!! He put hands on you, he's lucky you haven't called the police. I think you saw the real him and I'd tell him to fuck off. Tell your mutual friends exactly what he did too.

Hope you're okay

ohfourfoxache · 28/02/2019 17:23

You could forgive him, but there is no fucking WAY you should see him again. And if your mutual friend tries to pressure you into seeing him again then I’d block them too

pallisers · 28/02/2019 17:23

I would ignore the apologies and never see him again. It is not your responsibility to make him feel better about his aggressive and appalling behaviour. You are not his therapist. Tell your mutual friend that you don't really care much for the apology - it doesn't really change anything and you won't be seeing him again.

Debruary · 28/02/2019 17:24

Sack him off.

A bad day is not being your usual chatty self, or at a push, a bit snippy with someone. Not shouting in someone’s face, or putting your hands on them.

And frankly, if your mutual friend is aware of what happened, they shouldn’t be encouraging you to see them again either.

SlinkyDinkyDoo · 28/02/2019 17:25

No seeing him again at all. Ever.

Original poster

Runorforgive · 28/02/2019 17:25

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. I am ok, have had counselling session (routine one that was booked before this happened) which helped. It was just so out of kilter with everything I have seen or heard about this man.

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/02/2019 17:26

Nope. NEVER.

Pishogue · 28/02/2019 17:26

Whether or not you are prepared to accept the apology is entirely down to you and I would give yourself quite some time to recover from the shock of an assault, because that's what it was, OP but as pps have said, either way, I would make it perfectly clear I never wanted to see him again, and that he should be very grateful I didn't report it to the police.

He didn't 'upset' you, he assaulted you.

Pishogue · 28/02/2019 17:27

Well, he's shown you who he is now. Whatever anyone else thinks they know about him is irrelevant.

SlinkyDinkyDoo · 28/02/2019 17:28

Oh and boo hoo he can't forgive himself. Rest assuredhe wants your forgiveness to alleviate HIS guilt.

His behaviour is not normal, not acceptable and he doesn't deserve any more of your time and company.

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/02/2019 17:28

Never see him again. This is not something you have to agonise over. And view this as an opportunity to respect yourself and put firm boundaries/consequences in place.

No fucking way.

SleightOfMind · 28/02/2019 17:28

Why would you ever want to see him again?
What a horrible thing to do to you. Anyone would be very shaken by this, let alone someone who has only recently escaped a violent relationship.

Take care of yourself and don’t feel pressured into pretending this is ok.

IvanaPee · 28/02/2019 17:29

Accepting the apology is neither here nor there.

Don’t EVER see him again!

twattymctwatterson · 28/02/2019 17:31

He's an abuser. You just saw the real him.

minieggmunchers · 28/02/2019 17:34

OP, I really feel for you. What jumps out to me is that you need to take time for yourself here. Never see this man again, but start to look at a pattern. If you feel you are attracting a number of unsuitable men, think about why. I was in a similar position to you and it hit me that each one got worse than the last! I kept thinking why but finally realised it was because of unresolved co-dependency issues which stem from childhood. The more I have researched the stronger I have become. You have to forgive yourself first....then learn to like yourself.... and I hope your counselling is helping with this. It isn't easy to look at yourself in this way, but maybe worth a thought? Big hugs. x

katmarie · 28/02/2019 17:35

Do you want to see this person again? Out of genuine wish to see him, not obligation? If you don't then walk away. Trust your gut.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/02/2019 17:36

You have been given some excellent counsel and I hope you take heed of this.

Following on from minie's excellent post too I would also suggest that you enrol yourself onto Womens Aid Freedom Programme. This is for those who have been in abusive relationships. Consider too what you have learnt to date about relationships when you were growing up.

Butterymuffin · 28/02/2019 17:37

So he hasn't actually sent this apology to you directly, but via your mutual friend?

I don't see why you would feel obliged to give him any more of your time.

NothingOnTellyAgain · 28/02/2019 17:40

It's a nope from me.

You're not v friendly anyway you're losing nothing.

I would have been v shaken as well that is normal reaction to bigger man being v aggressive out of blue.

PoshPenny · 28/02/2019 17:42

Accept the apology but don't see him again unless it's unavoidable within a large group of people? It's really really good you're having counselling to move on from the ex and you were able to talk about this recent incident with them.

Haffdonga · 28/02/2019 17:47

He is generally considered to be a good man, he's respected by a lot of people

and that's exactly how abusive men get away with it. Nobody except their partners ever see the reality behind the good man mask. You're more attuned to it now you've been through it and it's great you're putting up healthy boundaries.

Whether to accept the drivelling poor me apology or not should be based only on whether it makes you feel better to move forward.

(But I really hope you don't forgive him for your own sake. Sometimes the most effective response is to say nothing at all.)

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