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Original poster

Male acquaintance apologised for behaviour - forgive or not

70 replies

Runorforgive · 28/02/2019 17:07

I'll try to keep this concise. I had a bad end to a serious 1 year relationship, ex was EA and in the end was violent and tried to strangle me. I have been going to counselling etc and thought I was doing OK and made progress. Ex is in prison for something else so is not a threat which has helped me to recover.

I've been meeting an old acquaintance at a mutual friend's request as they are located overseas. Old Acquiantance (OA) is generally considered to be a good man, he's respected by a lot of people and has always treated me and everyone else I know about kindly and helped them out when needed. He's had a tough time lately, he lost his job and had to relocate back to UK from overseas, his short term relationship fell apart unexpectedly - mutual friend says he was not treated well by his ex as she cheated on him and made him feel rubbish about himself. This has been backed up by a number of people.

I went to meet him last week, all seemed OK at first and normal. Things are usually a bit stilted anyway as I would say we are friendly but don't know each other very well. Like university friends you see maybe once in a while. I asked him how his job search was going and he completely flipped. He started shouting about why did I keep meeting him as it was pointless and grabbed me around the top of my shoulders. It triggered thoughts about my ex who used to shout in my face and point at me so I got upset and told him he was right and I would get mutual friend to contact him instead as I only did it because they asked me to. I was terrified. This man is about a foot taller than me and a lot stronger, so I went into flight mode and walked out in tears.

OA man has called mutual friend almost straight away to say he was sorry, he was having a horrible day and had heard some bad news and he should have just cancelled meeting up. Very regretful about how he treated me and totally beside himself he upset me. Mutual friend says they feel the regret and remorse is truly sincere. OA man has also sent a five page handwritten letter apologising and saying he will work on being a better person and that he hopes I am OK and that he knows he has hurt me. He says he can't forgive himself.

I struggle trusting my judgement after ex, so I am not sure what to do. Should I accept the apology and just tone down the meeting up? Should I run away and never see him ever again? Should I only meet him when other people are around? I am really stuck. It was so out of character for OA man to behave like this but I am also cautious because of how ex behaved and treated me.

Sorry it's so long. Thoughts and advice please.

OP posts:
Clutterbugsmum · 28/02/2019 17:47

He is only sorry because his mask slipped a lot quicker then he normally would.

He was very quick to get his excuses and reasons as to why he acted rather then seeing if you were alright.

Ignore and block as I'm guessing that his 'apology' letter is more about him then you.

And if your mutual friend, keeps bringing him up you may have to lose them as well.

Original poster
Runorforgive · 28/02/2019 18:24

Thank you again, you’re all right. I have started the freedom programme- yesterday online. I have told mutual friend that I won’t be meeting OA man again. I think I will reflect on accepting the apology or not, but regardless will refuse to see or contact him again. If he happens to be at events with lots of people, I don’t know. If it is a big gathering that would be fine as I could avoid him altogether but if it was just a few of us I would have to duck out I think. Not sure about actually replying to him before blocking him??

OP posts:
NothingOnTellyAgain · 28/02/2019 18:29

what is the point of accepting an apology.

will probably be taken as an invitation to further dialogue

don't bother, why should you? just to make him feel better

I'd leave it TBH and well done on freedom prog

MitziK · 28/02/2019 18:29

Oh, I bet the ex cheated on him and made him feel bad about himself.

Just like every other woman who escapes from a violent pig is supposed to have done, according to the abuser and his friends.

He can go fuck himself, along with his flying monkey.

Elizabeth2019 · 28/02/2019 18:33

If you’ve decided not to see him again (good choice in my opinion) then I’d shut the door on communications too. Some people are very effective at persuasion and manipulation- he might make you feel guilty and sorry for him enough to reopen communications. Hopefully not! But it’s a possibility x
Hope you can move on and your friends help keep you away from him in future too x

ElspethFlashman · 28/02/2019 18:33

No absolutely no to replying to him. The message must go through the mutual friend ONLY.

That will absolutely suffice. Feel free to block immediately.

AngelaHodgeson · 28/02/2019 18:38

I'd completely ignore the apology, block him on any social media and delete contact details. If asked about it by mutual friend I'd say "what he did crossed a line and I no longer consider him to be a decent person. I choose not to spend time with people who are violent towards women just because they are having a bad day."

I also wouldn't believe a word of the "ex treated him badly" story either. I wouldn't care who agrees that it definitely happened - they all got their version from him.

Original poster
Runorforgive · 28/02/2019 18:40

Mutual friend has replied to say they have no issue with me ending contact with OA man and will make sure they tell me if he’s going to be at any gatherings. They are very shocked that this happened.

OP posts:
MitziK · 28/02/2019 18:46

I'm more shocked that he's still going to be included in any gatherings, rather than immediately dropped for being a violent prick.

AngelaHodgeson · 28/02/2019 18:54

Yeah, violent prick would be dropped in my circle of friends too. Is mutual friend a bloke?

Craftycorvid · 28/02/2019 19:00

Run, OP, and keep going with the Freedom Programme. Glad you have a supportive counsellor. Flowers

AnyFucker · 28/02/2019 19:03

I wonder why his previous relationship broke down ? Hmm

Original poster
Runorforgive · 28/02/2019 19:03

Mutual friend is a bloke but it’s not normally him that would organise gatherings. He will ask if OA man has been invited when they are being organised so he can give me prior warning. At first mutual friend was a bit dismissive but now is more in line with thinking on here. Have blocked him now and won’t bother responding to the apology. I have to go out now but thank you everyone for the sound advice.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/02/2019 19:12

His immediate reaction of apologising via your friends is downright manipulative. No doubt it was to get some of his own story in first, but also an attempt to keep up his good guy image - which might even have worked with some, since even these believed in his "remorse"

I also expect his ex partner's story would be very different to his, but PPs are quite right that it's not until you're in a relationship with such types that the real person shows

Personally I'd never contact him in any way again, whether through the friends or anything else. Frankly you're worth much, much more

Moralitym1n1 · 28/02/2019 19:34

I also expect his ex partner's story would be very different to his

So do I.

fblake · 28/02/2019 20:33

I wouldn't see him again. There's no excuse for that behaviour. You've been through enough already ☹️

eddielizzard · 28/02/2019 20:55

He did that because deep down to him that IS acceptable behaviour. What made it clear that it wasn't and that he had to apologise is your reaction. That he apologised to your friend first speaks volumes. He thinks he can act how he likes around you. Don't go back for more because that would condone his behaviour and he'd take it as a green light.

Show him that he can't. That you aren't to be pushed around and that's the end of it. You owe him no acceptance of his apology, and you have no obligation to see him ever again.

7yo7yo · 28/02/2019 22:49

A respected abuser.
Abuses in secret, had a polished, carefully crafted exterior.
You’ve seen the true him, now believe it. This is what he’s really like.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/02/2019 23:06

Mutual friend is a bloke ... At first was a bit dismissive but now is more in line with thinking on here

I'm sorry but I don't like the sound of that at all, any normal person would be very naturally horrified at what happened rather than "dismissive" about it

You might want to be very cautious with this "friend" ... Hmm

Mrsmummy90 · 28/02/2019 23:15

Well done for blocking him, that was completely the right thing to do. You were being nice and he assaulted you. He's lucky you haven't reported him!

Why does your mutual friend want you checking up on him anyway? He's a grown man and not your responsibility.

humpydumpybumpy · 28/02/2019 23:20

What a bastard! 'I'm having a bad day, so I'll assault someone'???? That rings the regular abuser bell.

Agree with other PPs, his ex's story will be completely different to his.

Also bet he would never take out his 'bad day' on a man!

Never have anything to do with him again, OP. Hope you're ok, that's sounds like it was very scaryFlowers

ChoccyBiccyTastic · 28/02/2019 23:22

I'd have called the police. I wouldn't have hesitated. You NEVER have to put up with someone assaulting you. As for forgiveness, frankly, he can go and fuck himself.

I don't totally understand why you were meeting up with him in the first place. Just because some mutual friend abroad told you to? Why was the contact going through this mutual friend? And you say that this mutual friend is fine with you dropping contact as though you need his permission. WTF is going on, OP?

Original poster
Runorforgive · 01/03/2019 09:41

Thanks again, I really needed the sanity check yesterday - I knew I could rely on Mumsnet!

ChoccyBiccy mutual friend was worried about OA man as he had been through a bad time and asked me if I would mind meeting him for a coffee to see if he was OK. OA and I have got on OK when we've met before so I agreed but the contact to meet has been between me and OA man, not via mutual friend. If I'm honest I think mutual friend may have been trying to set us up so I am now a bit wary of mutual friend as well, although he seems to have realised that he may not know OA man as well as he thought.

Mutual friend is generally OK, he helped me to go to the police when ex had strangled me when our relationship ended, he knows I don't want any more of this in my life and so has basically agreed with (rather than agreed to) how I have said I will react to this. So not permission given, but more supportive.

OP posts:
Pishogue · 01/03/2019 10:10

If I'm honest I think mutual friend may have been trying to set us up so I am now a bit wary of mutual friend as well, although he seems to have realised that he may not know OA man as well as he thought.

That had occurred to me, as it wasn't clear to me what you were supposed to be doing for the violent bastard Mutual Friend was responsible for you seeing. OK, his relationship ended and he moved back from overseas, but you hardly know him, so I was unsure why it was your problem to succour. (And what that violent freak was shouting about -- something like why did you keep meeting him because it was 'pointless'? Were you supposed to have fallen into his arms by now, or something?)

Which, combined with Mutual Friend's somewhat muted and dismissive response to the assault, is making me underwhelmed with his behavior too.

Imagine how horrified and guilt a normal person would feel if they had set up the meeting between two people they're supposedly friends with where one of the people violently assaulted the other with absolutely no provocation? You would be turning yourself inside out with guilt that you had been involved in setting up the arrangement, not just saying 'Oh, well, I'll let you know if he's invited to any parties you might be going to.' Hmm

Debruary · 01/03/2019 10:13

Everything you say about ‘mutual friend’ makes them sound worse tbh

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